


Young Blood

by motteme



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: F/M, Hanbin is Jiyong’s and Chaerin’s kid, I am bad at tagging this one, Jiyong struggles a lot, M/M, alternative universe, and I just love my boys so much, but so does Seunghyun, but there will be cute stuff of them too, double b is only a side pairing, gtop are in their mid forties
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2019-08-24 04:19:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 104,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16632797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motteme/pseuds/motteme
Summary: Jiyong (45) has been married for years now - he loves his wife Chaerin and his son Hanbin, but he also has a secret. Ever since he was young he knew that he fancied men and not women, but thanks to his homophobic surroundings since he was young, he never had the chance to come out and live the life he wanted and love someone with his whole heart without pretending.Seunghyun (46) is someone in a similar situation - married with a child, but on the contrary he did came out and lost his child to his, now, ex-wife.What will happen if they meet one day?





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Another story I have been working on - something different. This was supposed to be another one of my oneshots, but as we all know I'm bad at keeping stories short.
> 
> I just wanted to write a story where Jiyong and Seunghyun are already a bit older - just because you're not a teenager anymore doesn't mean you can't fall in love deeply or find the one for you, it's never to late to love.

„I’m gay. “

Looking back, this was definitely not something he had planned. Not that he would have planned any of this anyways, but sometimes the universe played cruel jokes on you and you just had to do one thing – brush of the dirt, swallow your pride and just live on. Sometimes that was the only way you could deal with it and Jiyong knew, that technically he should just swallow that bitter pill and not make a big deal about it, but growing up the way he did – he just couldn’t accept it; no – he could accept it, but all the pain he experienced over the past forty-five years flashed in front of him and punched him in the face.  
His knuckles turned white from gripping his chopsticks as hard as he did, but he didn’t care about that – all he cared about was his seventeen-year-old son, Hanbin, sitting in front of him, staring down at his bowl of rice, biting his lips nervously. The room was filled with awkward tension and Jiyong held his breath – he knew that however he and Chaerin would react, would could either be heaven or hell for Hanbin.

He gulped. 

Jiyong couldn’t even look at Chaerin, too afraid that she might read something in his expression, something he couldn’t hide, something that would give him away that he had his own small confession to make – so he stared at Hanbin, his stare growing hard.

  
“Hanbin, no matter who you love – you are still you. It doesn’t change a thing.”

  
Chaerin’s voice cut through the silence pulling Jiyong out of his trance like state. Did Chaerin really support him? Did she really not mind about their son being gay? – or did she only say that to reassure him right now and then subtly giving him a third degree whenever it would come up again.

  
Jiyong grit his teeth. It felt like someone was chocking him, he couldn’t breathe. This was too much for him – the walls felt like they were pressing down on him, coming closer – he needed to get out.

  
Without a second glance, Jiyong stood up and bolted out of the door – front door slamming shut behind him a few seconds later. He distinctly heard Chaerin’s voice calling for him, but he didn’t care – he needed a moment to collect his own thoughts about all of this. Jiyong didn’t want to say anything he might regret later to his son – especially when his confession carried so much meaning with it. It could mean the end of their happy family life, it could end so much – Jiyong knew that he wouldn’t reject his son, how much of a hypocrite would that make him? Denying someone the happiness he knows he always wanted to feel – but that didn’t mean that he was ready to have that conversation.

  
When he finally slowed down, Jiyong realized that he was in the middle of the park not far from their home. He was so lost in his own mind he hadn’t even realized where he was going. Jiyong slowed down and wrapped his jacket tighter around his slim frame. He really should have thought that one through before he bolted like that – Chaerin was gonna kick his ass when he came home later, he already knew and Hanbin probably thought that he hated him now – that’s just great. Way to go, Jiyong. But at the same time; he desperately needed to get out to collect himself.

I’m _gay_.

Jiyong still remembered the first time he heard the word gay. He was only six years old and he didn’t know that such a small word, could ruin so much – at least during the time when he was young. He still remembered the despise he heard in his father’s voice.

 _Those dirty faggots_ , he had said. Abominations of god, he said.

  
Back then, he didn’t know what gay meant, it was only ten years later when he realized that he wasn’t as attracted to women as he should be. He couldn’t understand the eagerness guys his age had to get their hands on a pair of breasts – okay, they were pretty to look at, but they didn’t really move him to want to hump a girl’s leg like a crazy person like the rest of the guys. Instead, he couldn’t help himself but look at other boys whenever they were changing after gym, the way their muscles would move and shift, hard nipples after taking a cold shower – he felt his breath hitch whenever he thought about it. After that realization he felt like he had committed a crime. It was eating him alive and he didn’t know what to do against it – he prayed constantly, hoping that he could get rid of the gayness somehow – but he quickly realized that that wasn’t how it worked.

  
Girls it was, then.

He started to go out with friends more often – flirting with girls and buying them drinks and once he had reached a certain level of tipsiness, he didn’t mind as much anymore. Touching them got easier when he was drunk, though going down on girls was still alien to him – he did it anyways. Apparently, he was also really good at it – at least that was what the girls kept on telling him, before he flipped them over and fucked them from behind. It was the only way he could enjoy it – when he didn’t have to see their round curves as much, the way their breasts would move at each thrust and he could also muffle their moans, which helped when he was thinking about something completely different.

  
Years went by like that and before he knew what happened he was getting married to his best friend Chaerin, who he more often than not had slept with – not because he was that much into her, but because he still had needs and she was probably the only one he could ever see himself with for longer than a wild night in bed. Jiyong had always dreamed about having a family – and he knew even back then that he would never be able to have that if he was with another guy. Biologically it was impossible and seeing the way gay people were treated, he highly doubted that there was a legal chance either. Which is why he simply tried not to think about it, but fast forward a couple of years, his own son confesses that he is gay. How much of a fuck you is that from the universe?

  
Jiyong had sat down on one of the benches, his mind was still racing which is probably why he didn’t realize that he was crying – not until someone stopped in front of him and held a tissue in front of his face.

  
“You okay?”, the stranger looked down at Jiyong and he felt his breath hitch, much like when he first saw other men changing after gym class – he quickly took the tissue and dried his tears.

  
“Yeah, just a long day.”, he didn’t have to tell a stranger the truth, why should he? But said stranger seemed to sense that it was more than a long day and Jiyong carefully looked up at the other man. His hair was neatly combed back, the hair at his temples were already grey, but that only added to the man’s charm. He was tall, so much Jiyong could tell, and his face was probably the most beautiful Jiyong had ever seen. Strong yaw, thick eyebrows, piercing gaze and high cheekbones – the soft smile exposed the dimples he had, too. Jiyong bit his lip – this man was too beautiful for his own good.

  
“I’m Seunghyun.”, the stranger extended his arm and Jiyong shook his hand.

  
“Jiyong.”

  
A faint smile crept on his own lips.

  
“Now, that we aren’t strangers anymore Jiyong, you want to talk about what really is bothering you?”

  
Jiyong really didn’t know what moved him to tell Seunghyun the truth, but it felt good to let it all out. He never had dared to tell anyone about his own sexuality – not even Chaerin, who he considered his best friend – how could he? She was his wife, she would be hurt the most if he ever came out to her so it was like Jiyong was coming out the first time to anyone, much like Hanbin had done earlier. He finally understood the nervousness Hanbin must have felt as Jiyong watched the stranger, waiting for him to say something. It was like pulling a rubber band apart – the tension becoming stronger and stronger within him, before it finally snapped and Seunghyun opened his mouth.

  
“To tell you the truth, I know what it feels like to live inside that box you call marriage when you aren’t interested in the opposite sex. I lived that life, too for a couple of years so I admire your strength when it comes to your marriage.”

  
Jiyong gaped. Did he understand correctly?

  
“And when it comes to your son, I think you really should put your own personal problems aside and show him that you love him and that you won’t hate him for who he loves, but I think you know that already.”

  
Emotional whiplash finally hit Jiyong real hard and the tears started to flow again – he knew that he would be able to support Hanbin no matter what, but the fact that someone who had been in the same position as he had found him and understood him, that was something completely new. He had never met anyone else that was gay, at least not openly and it felt weird to finally have someone like that in front of him – someone who didn’t even look like he was gay, but then again – what did gay look like? Hanbin was gay, too and he didn’t look any different. Seunghyun was gay and he was not only dashingly handsome, but manly. Too many emotions at once hit him – relive that he finally confessed someone his own sexuality, happiness that this stranger seemed to accept him, and it was as if the weight he had carried for the past forty-five years finally was being lifted off his shoulders.

  
Seunghyun quietly handed another tissue over to Jiyong, who thankfully took it. They talked for some more, not something as revealing as Jiyong’s first confession, but words of encouragement – which Jiyong desperately needed right now. Seunghyun also gave him a few tips, that he should think about the things he would have wanted his own parents to say him if he had ever come out to them and that helped. He tried to put himself into Hanbin’s shoes, which was easier than he thought it was and it gave him the final strength he needed to get up and go home – back to his son who was probably freaking out by now.  
Jiyong was ready to leave, but he didn’t want Seunghyun to disappear just like that, too. The only problem was that he hadn’t taken his phone with him when he had left as abruptly as he had, meaning he couldn’t even save Seunghyun’s number – he asked for it anyways and felt a smile creep on his lips when Seunghyun simply handed over a business. – Lawyer Mr. Choi. For some reason Jiyong thought that was all too fitting for the other man.

  
“If you ever feel like talking again, just call me.”

  
And with that, Seunghyun bowed – a polite smile on his lips, and left, leaving Jiyong alone again.

  
His walk home was surprisingly easy – he felt like he was walking on air, his steps light and he had a newfound strength in him, telling him he could do it, that he could be the father Hanbin needed right now. To be the supportive father he never had when he was younger.

  
Even as he walked back inside their house and Chaerin greeted him with a scowl on her face, he knew he still could do it. Helping Hanbin was the most important thing, and he needed to be there for him. Jiyong didn’t want Hanbin to suffer the same way he had when he was younger, the way he was suffering even now.

  
“What the hell was that, Jiyong?”

  
He opened his mouth to say something, but Chaerin stopped him.

  
“No, I don’t want to hear it. You better talk to Hanbin now and you better support him or otherwise I will kick you out – no negotiations.”

  
He felt his mouth go dry – did Chaerin really felt so strongly about this? Was she really an alley or was she only trying to protect their son? He nodded and walked off to Hanbin’s room.

  
All of a sudden, he felt the nervousness coming back, his heart was beating frantically inside his ribcage and he felt the palms of his hands getting sweaty. God, was that how Hanbin had felt when he was coming out to them? Jiyong felt even more of a jerk now, but there was no coming back from it now. He quietly knocked on the door – Jiyong didn’t wait for a “come in”, he knew Hanbin well enough by now that once he felt like he had to hide, he wouldn’t come out that easily again.

  
Jiyong pushed the door open and his heart broke when he saw Hanbin. His eyes were puffy and red from crying and he held onto his blanket as if trying to shield himself away from all the evil monsters under his bed, much like he did when he was just a kid. God, he still was a kid to Jiyong and he would always be – it made him hate himself even more.

  
“Hanbin?”, his voice was soft and low, but Hanbin still flinched at the sound of his voice. Another stab to the heart. Jiyong couldn’t watch the fear in his son’s eyes so he quickly walked over to where he sat on his bed and hugged him as tight as he could. His arms wrapping around his son who was now just as tall as he was and held him close.

  
“I’m so sorry.”, Jiyong felt his own tears come up as he felt how stiff and tensed Hanbin still was. He carefully let go of Hanbin, but still held onto his shoulders as he looked at his son.

  
“I’m so sorry for behaving like that, Hanbinnie.”

  
He took a deep breath.

  
“I want you to know that I support you, no matter what. I don’t care who you love – it’s none of my business after all, I just want you to be happy – that’s why I reacted the way I did.”

  
That wasn’t a complete lie.

  
Hanbin still looked at him with confused, big eyes.

  
“It’s just that…when I was growing up, back then – gay people weren’t treated nicely. They were treated as if they were the spawn of the devil. Even if there were only rumours that someone was gay, they would target that person and do unspeakable things to them and even my own parents believed in those things. They kept on telling me that being gay was a sin, that you could go to hell for it and all that crazy stuff you usually hear from people who are too closeminded for their own good.”

  
He took a deep breath again.

  
“When you told me you are gay, I was afraid that those things would happen to you, too – that they would bully you and treat you badly, that they would even hit you or do worse to you, that they would do things to you that I had seen when I was younger, I-“, Jiyong bit his lip. His voice was getting shaky and he quickly shook his head. No, he wanted this to be something good. Something Hanbin would remember later in his life and smile back at that memory.

  
“I just realized that things are no way near as bad as how things were back then – I was just being an overly protective parent. I am glad you were so brave to come out to us – to your mother and me, it must have been hard to keep it a secret all those years.”

  
“”I-I thought you hated me.”, tears were swelling up in Hanbin’s eyes again and Jiyong immediately brushed them away with the sleeve of his shirt.

  
“No matter what happens, Hanbin – I could never hate you. You are my son and I love you and I am proud of you.”

  
“You really aren’t just saying that because Mom forced you to?”

  
His features grew soft at that – did Hanbin really fear that?

  
“No, Binnie. I am supporting you, because I think there is nothing wrong with you loving another man. It is your love life, not mine”, he bit his lip at that, “-and I want you to be happy, there would be no happiness in your life if I would force you to be with a woman, now, would there?”

  
Hanbin shook his head.

  
“See?”

  
A smile finally spread over Hanbin’s face and he pulled his father into another hug.

  
“Thank you.”

  
Jiyong only smiled.

  
“No, thank you for trusting us enough for telling us.”

  
After a few moments he felt someone behind him, hugging the both of them – it was Chaerin and she was holding back tears as well, while smiling at them brightly. The family sat there for a while, simply holding each other close, before Hanbin got a bit uneasy with having both of his parents hugging him as tightly as their did.

  
“Uh, mom? Dad? You can let go of me now.”

  
“Absolutely not, do you know how rare it is for you to let me hug you?”, Jiyong tightened his arms around his son’s shoulders and hugged him tighter.

  
“Dad, no-“, but Jiyong simply held onto his son who was vehemently trying to get away from his father. Chaerin had let go a few moments before and was now watching both of her men being stupid – loud laughter of the parents filled the room as Hanbin finally ripped himself free from his father’s hug.

  
“You are terrible! The both of you-“, Hanbin pointed at them with fake bravado, before giving in and smiling at them.

  
“Now, now – who’s hungry?”

  
Chaerin didn’t even had the chance to ask them to get up and into the dining room, before both men were up and running through the open door of Hanbin’s room.

  
She shook her head; both her men were still small children by heart.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

After that day, Jiyong spend more and more time thinking about what had happened. What had happened between him and Hanbin – what his confession had triggered, and he also thought about that almost fateful meeting with Seunghyun. The conversation he had with Hanbin and Seunghyun were enough to shake up the walls he had built up over the years – he had created a mask which he had worn so well he almost believed it was his real face, but the way Seunghyun had looked at him, the way he made him feel like there was another way, another path he could choose for himself, it was enough to complete throw him off balance and it made his heart ache.

  
It aches everytime Chaerin looked at him with a warm smile on her lips, it ached when she hugged him and held him close, when she scooted closer to him when they were watching a movie late at night and it ached when she kissed him. Over the years he had grown used to being affectionate towards Chaerin – he was affectionate by nature, but now all these small gestures made his heart ache and his stomach twisted uncomfortably.

  
Chaerin must have realized something was wrong – she read him like a book afterall, but he just brushed her efforts of trying to get him to talk to her off. How could he tell her about this revelation? How could he tell his best friend since childhood and now wife that all the years of their marriage where built on this one, big lie? It would shatter her heart in a million pieces and he loved her too much to hurt her like that. Even though they had been together for a very long time, her eyes still sparkled whenever he had told her he loved her, she was still telling him how her heart was skipping a beat whenever she saw him again after a few days apart, because of work. How could he possibly break her like that? It left a bitter taste on his tongue whenever he though about it – but then again not as bitter as when she kissed him full of love and told him she loved him.  
Today was another one of those days where he was lost in his own head, thinking about weather or not he should tell Chaerin and possibly ruin the family they had built. What would happen? Would they be able to stay friends? Would Chaerin hate him? Would Hanbin hate him for pulling their family apart like that? These thoughts plagued him all day and all night and he had trouble sleeping.

  
The nausea didn’t help either and was especially bad today – a few days after Hanbin‘s confession Hanbin had sheepishly admitted that he was already dating someone and that his boyfriend was actually the reason why he finally had enough courage to tell Jiyong and Chaerin. They had been together for a few months already and Bobby had really wanted to meet Hanbin‘s parents.

  
Jiyong felt bad for reacting like he was right now – he should be happy that his son found someone who he wanted to be with, who wanted to be with him as well, someone who appreciated him, but he couldn’t keep that nasty voice at the back of his down.

  
He was jealous. Jealous of his own son being able to live the life he had always craved, to be with someone who he truly loved. He knew it was wrong and he hated himself for that, but there was no denying. Especially not since that wall had broken down, the only protection he had had over all these years was gone – and it left him vulnerable.

  
Nevertheless, he was still Hanbin‘s father and he didn’t want to be one of those parents that would hate their child and treat them badly only because of his own struggles. He had suffered from parents like that all his life and he had sworn to himself he would be a better father than that.

“Hanbin, please sit down you’re making me nervous and it’s not my boyfriend who is coming over.“, Chaerin joked as they watched Hanbin pace around in their living room. He was a ball of bursting energy and just couldn’t sit still no matter how hard he tried.

  
“I know it’s been centuries since you brought home your first boyfriend or girlfriend, but this situation is stressing me out! Bobby is even more nervous than me about this, okay? I am the calm one and-“

  
Jiyong had to stop his son right then and there, a fond smile on his lips.

  
„Hanbinnie, if he is even more nervous than you are then he must be really serious about you – you only get nervous like that when you are madly in love with the person you are dating, which further means that he doesn’t have anything to fear from us.“

  
He walked over to his son and pulled him into a light hug, Chaerin joining her boys immediately.

  
The change in Hanbin‘s tensed posture to relaxed was almost instantly, his shoulders dropped and the tension bled from his back.

  
“Thank you, dad.“

  
“You know I-“, the doorbell rang and Hanbin tensed up all over again, darting out of the room and half shouting half mumbling something about getting the door on his own. One moment Jiyong had his arms full of his son, the next he stood there – hands extended – hugging air.

  
“Our boy got it bad, doesn’t he?“, Chaerin stood next to him with a big grin on her face.

  
Well, she wasn’t wrong.

 

* * *

* * *

 

  
It turned out that Bobby was indeed even more of a mess than Hanbin had been. He had brought flowers for Chaerin and bowed in ninety degree almost toppling over as he introduced himself. Jiyong smiled as he realized Bobby was blushing madly, his eyes always darted back to Hanbin as if trying to make sure he didn’t fuck up breathing. It was both endearing and adorable as it was almost sad – at least he felt bad for Bobby who, even though he looked as if he could carry both him and Chaerin on his shoulders, acted like a scared bunny which was sitting in front of a pack of wolves. Some of the tension broke when he simply pulled Bobby into a hug, patted his shoulder and asked everyone to gather in the dining room for dinner.  
During the first few minutes the atmosphere was still stiff and awkward, but especially Chaerin tried to lighten the mood, by talking about all those embarrassing moments of Hanbin‘s childhood – now it was Hanbin‘s turn to blush madly and hide his face in his hands while whining out a long drawn “mom“. Bobby seemingly relaxed as he chuckled while listening to their stories, earning glares from Hanbin, but he simply took his hand under the table.

  
By the time they were eating dessert they all talked animatedly – especially Bobby. It was adorable to see a guy like him, gush about all the great things Hanbin does – Hanbin is really good at writing poetry and he is amazing when it comes to languages and a total genius when it comes to music!

  
Jiyong felt something inside of him shift – the jealousy he had felt at first disappeared and got replaced by fondness and happiness. Somewhere deep down he had feared that this Bobby guy wouldn’t be interested enough in their son and only hurt him – fears every parent had who only wanted the absolute best for their child – but seeing how absolutely smitten Bobby was with Hanbin and Hanbin was with Bobby it was easy to tell that those two fit together like a glove.

  
“So now tell me, where did you two lovebirds meet?“, Chaerin‘s voice was soft but still full of mischief.

  
Both Hanbin and Bobby blushed.

  
“Well, uhh..“

  
“Hanbin stared at me in the gym.“

  
“I did not!“ Chaerin started to cackle.

  
“You totally did!“, both of them blushing even more, “I was working out and you just wouldn’t stare at me – be happy that you are this adorable!“

  
“But you were the one who approached me, I didn’t do a thing! I-!“

  
“-boys, please.“

  
Jiyong had watched the almost domestic scene between the two boys – Bobby always having a fond smile on his face as Hanbin sulked about getting exposed like that. It showed him what could be daily routine soon, at least if Bobby came around more often. It also reminded him of what he craved and the bitter feeling came back. No. They weren’t exactly bitter anymore, it felt more like longing. Jiyong bit his lips and looked down on his plate, pushing the vegetables around, trying to keep his emotions in check. He felt the slight burn in his eyes and forced himself to calm down – there was no way in hell he was going to cry right now. He took a deep breath, before slowly rising from his seat and starting to put away his dishes.  
“I‘ll be outside for a moment, I don’t want to smoke inside.“

  
He quickly excused himself and walked out of the dinning room, through the living room, outside. The night was still fresh, but a hint of spring was already in the air and Jiyong took a deep long breath, before lightening up his cigarette.

  
Another deep breath.

  
Another drag fromm the cigarette.

  
He watched the birds fly above his head, how the branches of the trees in their garden danced in the wind and felt the cool breeze on the back of his hand. It was a peaceful moment – a peaceful moment at least on the outside. On the inside he was torn. He was happy for Hanbin, so fucking happy, but the ongoing pressure inside of him made it hard to pretend that he was okay.

  
No.

  
He wouldn’t dare to sacrifice his family for his own sake. He couldn’t be this selfish, not when Hanbin finally felt save enough to confess, not when Chaerin still looked at him like he was made of gold – he just couldn’t leave them behind like that, he just couldn’t be the reason this family fell apart.

  
He threw the cigarette bud on the ground and stepped on it.

  
Another glance at their backyard and he walked back inside.

 

* * *

* * *

 

  
The rest of the evening went by rather quickly – they all talked some more, drinking a few glasses (non alcoholic, that was) and fell into an easy rhythm. When it was already getting late, Jiyong pulled Chaerin aside, asking her to join him in the kitchen to clean up the mess to leave the kids some privacy, before sending Bobby off for good. Chaerin closed the door behind them and walked straight up to Jiyong, crossing her arms in front of her and stared up at him.

  
“What the hell is going on with you?“

  
Jiyong froze.

  
“What?“

  
She scoffed. Wrong answer, apparently.

  
“Jiyong, don’t play stupid – I have known you almost my whole life, I know when something is going on with you. Something big and you aren’t telling me – you know that you can talk to me, right?“

  
Jiyong felt sick.

  
This was one of the situations he had feared. That Chaerin would notice something was going on and confront him – she had never been the one to avoid fights, or unpleasant conversations. If there was something going on, she was the one who would put her foot down and want to talk about it. Jiyong had always admired that, but right now, he loafed it.

  
“I don’t know what you are talking about.“

  
He quickly turned around and placed the dishes into the dishwasher – Chaerin was still standing behind him, he could feel her eyes glaring daggers at the back of his head.

  
Jiyong felt a hand at his left biceps and got turned around – face to face to his wife. Her eyes had lost their hardness and were now filled with warmth and worry. She looked fragile, breakable and Jiyong felt like giving in. He hated making Chaerin worry like that, but what should he do?

  
“Ever since Hanbin came out a few weeks ago, you have been acting weird. What is going on?“

  
Jiyong opened his mouth to say something – but what? He closed his mouth again and sighed.

  
„I think I just needed some time to get a grasp of this whole situation. It‘s just that, when I was a kid – you know this – my parents weren’t exactly supportive of gay people. You know how they treated them back then, I guess I was just afraid that Hanbin would get treated like that.“

  
He breathed in and out again.

  
“I was just worried that Hanbin would end up with someone who would only use him, or play a cruel prank on him, but after meeting Bobby, I am sure that Hanbin found someone good.“

  
Chaerin visibly relaxed. Her shoulders dropped and a warm smile spread on her full lips. She took Jiyong‘s face in her hands and kissed him – he couldn’t do anything but to return the kiss, pulling her closer. He placed his hands on her hips and deepened the kiss – he had made a decision. He would never give this up, even if he had to play pretend. Which meant that he would show Chaerin his love and make her feel it as well. He would be there for Hanbin and not ruin anything.  
Chaerin gasped as they pulled apart, her cheeks flushed and a pleasant grin on her lips.

  
“What‘s gotten into you?“, she looped her arms around Jiyong‘s neck, pressing her body against his, her soft boobs pressing against his chest.

  
He simply smirked.

  
The mask was back on.

  
He could do it.

* * *

* * *

 

 

  
They all had send off Bobby eventually – Chaerin smirking as she saw the slightly red lips of the boys and their blushing faces. Hanbin immediately ran up to his room and slammed his door shut, trying to hide away from the embarrassing moment of his parents nearly catching him making out with his boyfriend. Since they had already cleaned up the kitchen earlier, there wasn’t much to do anymore and they decided to go to bed – by the way Chaerin was throwing glances at him every now and then, there would be no sleeping anytime soon and the mischievous grin Jiyong had perfected over the years was back. The married couple walked up to their bedroom, closing and locking the door behind them and Chaerin‘s hands were on Jiyong immediately. She pulled him closer, he soft curves pressing against his body. One hand was caressing his body, the other one was at the back of his head, pulling the short hair. Jiyong sprang into action, into his role – he took her hands away from his body and walked her backwards until she hit the bed with the back of her legs and fell onto it.

  
It helped that women, or at least Chaerin, were submissive. He could do whatever he wanted or saw fit with her and she would love it. Jiyong took her shirt and bra off within a matter of seconds and kneaded her boobs, touching the soft skin of her stomach, before reaching down to her pants – pulling them off. A few moments later and they were both naked, Chaerin already flushed red and panting as Jiyong kissed her down her neck and pushed her into the mattress, spreading her legs. He closed his eyes, to enjoy the moment as he kissed down her body and pulling her thighs further apart, making enough room so he could fit in between.

  
Jiyong made sure to please his wife, as he always did – too scared that she might suspect something if he didn’t perform well. Chaerin was panting heavily and breathing hard by the time Jiyong was done – her thighs falling to the side, totally exhausted, but turning around and pushing her soft ass against his hardness. He pushed himself closer to her body, hand on his dick and pumping himself into hardness before thrusting easily inside. She was wet and tight and as he closed his eyes, he sight deeply and started to move. Jiyong pressed his body against her soft back, skin against skin, his hands on her hips to hold her in place.

  
The tightness around him pulled a low groan from his lips, but that was all it did for him. It felt nice, sure, but it wasn’t toe-curling like his friends all said it would be like. It wasn’t mindblowing or earth-moving. It was pressure against his erected cock, but that was all that it was to him and all that it would ever be – at least to him, but he had signed up for this live when he asked Chaerin to marry him, he signed up for this live when he got Chaerin pregnant and when Hanbin was born.  
Chaerin’s soft moans started to grow louder as Jiyong increased his thrusting – he grabbed her by he hair, at the back of her head, and pushed her further into the bed, muffling her moans effectively. All of a sudden, images of naked skin and muscles flashed before his inner eye – flexed, defined muscles who belong to a man.

  
Immediately, Jiyong felt like he couldn’t breath – adrenaline shot through his body and he gripped Chaerin‘s, thrusting harder into her. It was as if liquid electricity was shooting through his body and it made his head spin. The images started to move in his mind – broad hands touching him at his chest, playing with his nippled and sucking at his neck. It was as if these images in his head had a direct line to his dick and he just couldn’t hold back anymore – he pressed closer to the body underneath of him, leaning down and bitting at Chaerin‘s shoulder. But the images just wouldn’t stop; he saw a person with dark eyes and an intense gaze pressing him down, an ever present smirk on his lips as he kissed down his body, leaving lovebites on his stomach and on his thighs, before they got pulled apart and lips wrapped around his aching dick.

  
Jiyong couldn’t hold back his moans, he could already feel his orgasm and Chaerin tightening around his cock, reaching her own high didn’t, didn’t help either. His mind was going wild as he continued to fuck into his wife – the face in his fantasy finally materialized and he could see the same dark eyes and thick eyebrows, he had seen a few weeks ago, the same high cheekbones and soft lips.

  
Seunghuyn.

  
As Seunghyun started suck on his cock in his fantasy, it was too much. He thrusted one last time and came with a low growl on his lips into Chaerin – his whole body was shaking and his breathing was ragged and his head was still spinning. Jiyong had had many orgasms in his life, but this one was more intense than he had ever felt. He pulled out, nearly whimpering and his whole body was covered in a thin layer of sweat. Jiyong sat back on the bed, letting him fall onto the soft material right next to Chaerin, still breathing hard.

  
He was still coming down from his high, as he felt soft brushes against his forehead. Jiyong lazily opened his eyes and saw Chaerin, looking at him with a besotted and exhausted smile on her face.

  
“Wow, what got into you, Jiyong?“

Jiyong couldn’t answer her and simply pulled her into a hug, covering the both of them with a blanket. She curled up, using Jiyong‘s chest as her pillow and falling asleep nearly immediately.

  
Jiyong, on the other hand, couldn’t even think of falling asleep – his heart and mind were both racing and he felt like he was getting sick. It wasn’t something new to him that every now and then he helped himself with images of men to fuck Chaerin, but it was the first time that someone he knew was part of his fantasy and it had never had that much of affect on him, either.

Why was Seunghyun different?

Why did he had such and effect on him?  
  
He thought back to the moment he met him – it had been one or two weeks already since that day and sure, he had thought about the other man, but mostly it had been platonic thoughts of maybe forming a friendship with him. – or maybe not?

Jiyong had to admit that Seunghyun was awefully good-looking. Seriously, awfully good-looking.

  
Shit.

  
He felt his pulse speed up at the thought of the other man.

  
Jiyong shook his head – no. Just an hour before he had decided that he would stay with his wife and son and not end it all by coming out. With that decision, he had also decided that he would never contact Seunghuyn, he was too much of a reminder of this truth he had been able to repress all these years and he wasn’t going to break now.

Then again – a small fantasy about another man he would never ever see again, couldn’t hurt, right?

 

His mind wouldn’t shut up for the rest of the night.

 

* * *

* * *

 


	2. two

“What do you mean you’re not going? I have been looking forward to see this exhibition ever since the museum announced it months ago and you said you’d go see it with me.“

Jiyong was in a bad mood ever since the incident of him thinking about another man while having sex with his wife – which probably was understandable – and the fact that work was being extremely annoying lately didn’t help either, but now Chaerin also didn’t want to go to the Murakami exhibition and that small little detail made everything seem so much worse. It also set off the alarm bells in his head – did Chaerin not want to go with him, because she already suspected something had happened with him? Did she know he had thought about someone else when they had sex? Impossible. Then again, women had the both impressive and frighteneing ability to always know when something was up or if someone tried to hide something from them.

“Darling, I am sorry, but I really need to finish writing this paper and hand it in and you know I love you, but if you drag me to another one of your art exhibitions I might smother you with a pillow.“

Jiyong grumbled. He knew that Chaerin liked art, but that was it. Like.   
She didn’t understand how much more it was than just pretty pictures to look at, she didn’t understand how Jiyong could sometimes get lost in a painting and stare at it for ages, because it consumed him and wouldn’t let him go – it was almost as if the painting was pulling him in. Whenever that happened Chaerin would just sit back and groan, complaining why they were taking so long to look at only one stupid painting.

“Okay, fine. Then I’m going alone, have fun with your paper, honey.“, he tried to not sound too pissed, but he really liked going to exhibitions with company – it just made the memory so much richer. To share great art with someone who was as interested in art as he was – thinking about it, Jiyong came to the conclusion that maybe it wasn’t that bad that Chaerin didn’t want to go with him. She wasn’t an art nerd, like his son called him from time to time, like he was.

He quickly ended the phone call and went back to the report in front of him – Jiyong was an architect of the leading firm in Seoul and he still needed to look through their next big project. It had taken ages until they finally had the ‘okay‘ to start planning this building – the old building that had been torn down had been causing more problems than anticipated and Jiyong had been that close to say ‘fuck it‘ and quit – but he hadn’t and now he was the one who’s idea would be finalized. It was a weird feeling to see something you have drawn on paper and worked on for a long time to get built – the first time it had happened Jiyong had actually cried when he saw the finished building. His colleagues and friends still teased him about it today.

Anyways, going to the Murakami exhibition alone it was.

 

* * *

* * *

 

  
Friday afternoon rolled around and Jiyong finally had the time to go to the exhibition. The past few days he had been swamped with work – always coming home late at night, only to get up early again and slave away at the office until late again. It was a welcomed and much needed distraction and a promising beginning of a weekend filled with nothing but free time. Jiyong really needed that break.

The exhibition had opened two weeks prior, meaning that there were many visitors – young and old, from the most different backgrounds and Jiyong felt at ease as he disappeared in the masses. He paid for the ticked and slowly made his way through the museum, taking his time as he looked at each of the paintings and reading more about Murakami himself. Jiyong felt how all the stress from work slowly started to ebb away – his mind getting filled with bright, big images instead.   
Going to different exhibitions always helped him as well, when it came to finding inspiration for a new project – it helped with finding new possibilities, seeing things from another perspective. Each painter, each artist had their own way of seeing things, a different perception. Jiyong felt like a flower that was close to wilting, finally getting the much needed refreshing water – his inner petals starting to bloom again.

The room was filled with background noises; people snapping pictures of their favorite art piece, pointing out things to their family and friends – whoever they had come with to this exhibition – and the sound of people carefully shuffling from room to room. It was calm and relaxing, exactly what Jiyong needed.

All of a sudden, he felt a presence step into the room – he couldn’t describe what it was exactly, but he felt the pull, the small tug inside of him and he slowly turned around, looking through the room. His eyes wandered from person to person – sometimes lingering in a place a moment longer than the other – until he finally saw what had caused this feeling.  
Not too far away, maybe three meters – right next to one of the huge paintings of Murakami, was Seunghyun. Jiyong sucked in a breath – the last time he had seen the other man he had noticed that he was really good looking, but his emotional meltdown hadn’t allowed him to really, truly look at the other man and this newfound fact made him feel all tingly and light.

Seunghyun wasn’t looking at him, but Jiyong saw his profile clearly. His thick eyebrows, forehead, the neatly coifed hair with the grey – nearly white, padges right at the side of his temples, the almost cute looking nose and his soft looking, cat-like lips. He was studying one of Murakami’s paintings, looking closely at every detail with a glimmer in his eyes Jiyong had never seen in another person’s eyes when looking at art before. Much like the pull he normally felt when seeing a painting he liked, he felt the same tugging pull inside of him and before he could stop himself he walked up to Seunghyun.

The other man was still looking closely at the painting, as Jiyong stopped right next to him. He didn’t dare to break this moment of Seungyhun soaking in the effect the painting had on him – Jiyong knew all too well how consuming it was.   
But his staring must have been obvious, because only a moment later Seunghyun turned his head to the side and looked at Jiyong – a beautiful smile on his lips, the side of his mouth tugging into a smirk as he realized who he had in front of him.

“Jiyong?“

Jiyong immediately felt his heart skip a beat as his name left the other man’s lips and he couldn’t stop himself from returning the smile. All the background noises disappeared, fading away.

“Hey, Seunghyun.“, his own voice was small, almost shy and so different from his normally irascible personality. Jiyong bit his lower lip, trying to distract himself from his weak knees and sweaty hands.

“It’s good to see you again, how have you been?“

„I’ve been good.“

Just having sexual fantasies about you.

“It’s been a while –“, the nervous feeling in his stomach getting worse, “ –I’ve been terribly busy with work for a while now and after the incident with my son, things were a bit complicated.“

Seunghyun looked at him with a warm smile, nodding his head in understanding.

„You know, I am not mad that you didn’t write or call – it was just an offer the other day, you don’t have to explain anything. I know that everything can be a bit overwhelming sometimes, maybe it just wasn’t the right moment – you never know.“

Jiyong was quiet for a moment – just the other day he had given himself a prep talk, that he wouldn’t contact Seunghyun and that he wouldn’t persuade a friendship simply because he already felt that this man could become dangerous. Yet, here he suddenly was in front of him – as if the universe wanted Jiyong to meet Seunghuyn – or vice versa.

“Well then, I hope you enjoy the rest of the exhibition – take care.“, Seunghyun smiled at him one last time, before he turned around and walked out of the room. Jiyong stood still, his mind racing. He didn’t want Seunghyn to disappear again like last time. But he really didn’t want to give in to this temptation either. But maybe he was just being paranoid, because he had never met another gay man his age? Maybe the pull he felt was just the need to have someone like him who understood him and who he could turn to if things got bad again? Maybe this was just the universe offering him a small present that could help him stay with his family, a lifeguard that would help him if he felt like drowning? His heart was pounding so fast and he felt the tingling feeling in his legs, the nervousness, the uneasy-feeling, telling him to run after Seunghyun, but his mind told him not to do it.

Fuck it.

For forty-five years he had done whatever his mind had told him – just this once he wanted to live for himself and have someone that truly understood him by his side.

So he ran.

He darted out of the spacey room, running to the entrance of the museum where he had bought his ticket and bolted out of the door – continuously looking around, his nervousness getting worse and worse as he simply couldn’t find the other man. Right at the entrance, he casted one last look across the hall – still looking frantically – before he stepped outside. It was still rather cold – it was only the beginning of march after all – and he pulled his jacket tighter around his frame, his eyes still looking for the other man, but nothing. Jiyong ran down the street, just going where his gut told him to go, steps getting faster until he was out of breath and needed to stop for a moment.  
But then it hit him – he still had his phone number.

He quickly reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and fishing out the businesscard Seunghyun had given to him a few weeks ago. His heart had already been beating fast from running down the street but it felt like it was imploding when he dialed the number, praying that the other man would pick up the phone. He was so lost in that moment, that he nearly jumped as he heard a phone go off behind him – Jiyong immediately turned around, almost stumbling back as he saw Seunghyun standing just a meter away from him with a smirk on his lips and holding up his phone for Jiyong to see.

What a sly bastard, Jiyong thought with an endeared smile on his face.

“I take this as you want to stay in contact?“, the smirk never leaving his lips as he lowered his phone and started to type away – apparently saving Jiyong’s number in his phone. Jiyong quickly ended the call and put his phone away – the blush was almost reaching down to his chest, he could feel it.

“Well –“, he stumbled over his words, “ –its not everyday that I find someone who loves Murakami’s work as much as I do and by the way you were looking at it, almost like you were going to ask it to marry you, I can tell tha you are pretty taken by his work.“

“So you were watching me, is that what you are trying to tell me?“

Damn this bastard.

“I was observing! Staring and observing are two totally different things!“ Jiyong and Seunghyun both knew that that was a big lie, but Jiyong was already blushing – blushing! Grown men don’t blush and certainly not when another man is teasing them. Jiyong felt even more embarrassed now and it got even worse when Seunghyun whole-heartedly began to laugh. He laughed with his whole body, hand in front of his mouth trying to muffle it a bit and shoulders shaking from laughing so hard. Jiyong couldn’t help but stare, again. Those dimples really looked good on Seunghyun.

“Okay, okay. I’m already stopping teasing you even though you look really cute when you are blushing like that – how does a cup of coffee sound? I know a small café here in the neighborhood that’s really good, sounds good?“

“That depends..“, Jiyong was in a playful mood all of a sudden.

“On what?“

“If you’re going to try to badly charm me more or if you’ll finally start behaving like a grown-up.“

Seunghyun immediately fake-gasped, hand placing on his chest in an pretended-offended manner. He stared at him and it almost looked like head stunned the other man into silence, staring at Jioyng with wide eyes.

“Badly charm you? Excuse you! I am the most charming person you have ever met!“, Jiyong’s Pokerface was already crumbling and a god damn giggle broke through the silence between them.

“Alright, alright Romeo. Lead the way.“

Seunghyun only joined the laughter and pulled Jiyong after him.

* * *

 

  
In the end, they spend the rest of the afternoon together at the café – which Jiyong had to admit was absolutely amazing. It was rather small and not on one of the busy mainstreets, but on one of the side alleys Jiyong never had bothered to visit. It wasn’t a traditional Korean café either – there were posters of many old American stars, mostly Club 27. Kurt Cobain, James Dean, Amy Winehouse, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jean-Michel Basquiat, but also other great artists like Marlon Brando, Charles Chaplin, Frank Sinatra, the list went on and on and to his big surprise, Seunghyun knew all of them and their movies and music – sure, many people knew about them, but not many people inside of Korea. Jiyong had always had great interest when it came to American or European musicians and actors – the style was just completely different than what he was used to from Korea, or Japan.

During the whole afternoon there was never one moment of uneasy silence between them, they got along well and it was as if they had know each other way longer than a couple of weeks – they had chemistry and it had clicked and Jiyong couldn’t help himself but feel a happiness inside of him he had never felt before. He felt at ease.  
Even with Chaerin, who he had know mostly all his life, he had never really felt this at ease with it was almost weird – to feel calm and happy like this in the presence of someone else. Over the years, Jiyong had learned to be the one who was there for himself whenever he felt like no one around him understood him. Actually having another person to talk to about everything was almost overwhelming.

But if he read Seunghyun right, the other man was greatly enjoying their conversation, too. He spoke animatedly, gesturing with his hands and listening closely whenever Jiyong was the one talking. It was so refreshing and nice, Jiyong totally forgot about looking at his phone or how late it was already – he only realized that time had been flying by when he looked outside and it was already getting dark. Hastily, he took out his phone, realizing he had various missed calls from his wife and a ton of messages.

Seunghyun must have read his face.

“Your wife?“, his voice didn’t sound bitter, but not overly enthusiastic either.

“Yeah, I better call her back before she calls the cops or something.“ The joke didn’t seem to lighten Seunghyun’s mood, but Jiyong tried to ignore it. He got up quickly, excused himself and stepped outside to call his wife.

The line beeped only once, before Chaerin picked up.

“Jiyong, where the hell are you? Do you have any idea how late it is already?!“

“I’m sorry, darling. I met a friend at the gallery and we went out to get coffee and-“

“Who?!“, Jiyong gulped, his voice suddenly unsure.

“Seunghyun, I met him a few weeks ago. I’m sorry, I should have called I know, but we started to talk and I didn’t how late it was getting. I’ll come home soon – okay?“

Chaerin huffed at the other end of the line and hang up.   
Oh oh, he was in so much trouble.

Jiyong went inside again, suddenly filled with guilt and shame as he walked up to Seunghyun, who was paying for the drinks they had. This little gesture made him feel even worse – he only met up with Seunghyun and he already felt guilty. Was it really the right decision to exchange numbers?   
Jiyong was still lost in his mind as Seunghyun walked up to him – smiling warmly at him before opening the door for him to let him pass through it.   
It was stupid and only a small gesture, much like him paying for his drinks as well, but it made his stomach turn and twist and not in the bad way. Even his cheeks felt warm again as he passed through the door, Seunghyun shortly behind him.

“One last cigarette before you go back home?“

Jiyong took the cigarette Seunghyun was offering, accidentally brushing against Seunghyun’s warm hand and Jiyong hated himself for how much he noticed accidentally brushing against Seunghyun’s hand, because the places he touched Seunghyun tingled and Seunghuyn’s hand was so warm and nice to touch.

He quickly took the cigarette and lightened it.

“Does that mean I will get to see you more often?“

Jiyong bit his lip.

“Seunghyun, you know that I am _married_ , right?“

“I know, doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you again.“

He breathed in heavily and exhaled the cigarette smoke again. His stomach was still filled with butterflies, but he pushed that fact to the back of his mind, not wanting to get lost in this moment right now.

Jiyong shook his head lightly. “I don’t want to lose what I have and I am not stupid, I know how much you have been flirting with me all day so if you want to see me again you have to promise not to try anything or to push for anything more than friendship, because that is all I have to offer.“

Seunghyun bit his lip, his eyes darting between Jiyong and the ground – seemingly thinking real hard about what Jiyong had just said to him. He almost thought that he had scared Seunghyun away with what he had said, but Seunghyun finally spoke up.

“I’m not going to lie – you are an extremely extraordinary person, Jiyong and falling for you could be the easiest thing in the world“ – Jiyong’s heart was going crazy – “but if you only offer your friendship and nothing more, I will still gladly take it. You are amazing and I would be insane to let something like you go completely and not have you in my life.“

He really didn’t know what to say, but could only bite his lower lip and nod his head – otherwise he might have said something in return which he would regret. Seunghyun must have seen something in his eyes, because his face changed from slightly disappointed and hurt to gentle.

“Okay, thank you Seunghyun. You are really a great man as well and I am really happy that I met you.“  
  
Jiyong couldn’t read the expression on Seunghuyn’s face at that moment – had he hurt him with what he had said? He really hoped he didn’t. Then again, Seunghyun had been in the same situation as Jiyong had been years ago, he surely must remember what it felt like.   
They smoked their cigarettes in silence and Jiyong felt the uneasy feeling in his stomach as Seunghyun threw the cigarette bud on the ground and stepped on it.

Seunghyun looked up again – this time he nodded, more to himself as if confirming something in his own mind, something he didn’t dare to say out loud and after a second he smiled at Jiyong again.

“I really look forward to be your friend, Jiyong and I’m sorry if I made you feel uneasy today that wasn’t my intention at all.“

“No, you didn’t make me feel uneasy at all. I just thought that I should be honest with you right from the beginning so there won’t be and misunderstandings between us.“  
“Thank you for that, otherwise I would have tried my best to make you fall in love with me.“, Seunghyun chuckled – obviously intending it to be a joke, but Jiyong still felt his heart ache. Just like the other man had said, it would be so easy to really let himself fall in love with Seunghyun, but Jiyong was married and there was no way he was going to throw it all away – he just couldn’t hurt Chaerin and Hanbin like that, no matter how tempting Seunghyun was.

 

* * *

 

  
As he finally got home that night, Chaerin was already waiting for him – arms crossed in fron of her chest and fire in her eyes. It took more than half an hour of apologizing and explaining everything again and again until she seemed to finally have calmed down. After all these years, Chaerin still got jealous way too easily when it came to Jiyong and he really didn’t know why she was behaving like that. They had been married for over twenty years by now, together even longer and he had never given he a reason to be jealous. When Jiyong was in a relationship he was faithful, no matter what. At least he really hoped things with Seunghyun would calm down from now on, otherwise he didn’t know what could happen.

No, he would stay faithful and it wasn’t like he didn’t love Chaerin, he did. It was just a different kind of love, but that didn’t meant that they wouldn’t be able to uphold this family.

 

* * *

 

  
But staying true to his words got progressively harder the longer he and Seunghyun were in contact. It started with a message a day, Seunghyun asking Jiyong if they wanted to meet up for coffee, because Seunghuyn really needed to vent some of his frustration caused by work to someone else but his his dog Charlie or his sister and a few weeks later they started to meet up almost daily during lunch since their work places were only about ten minutes by car apart.

Seunghyun, on the other hand, had stayed true to his words. He had stopped with the flirting and obvious invitations he had done when they first met, the only thing that still remained the same was that Seunghyun adamant to pay for their food and drinks. It didn’t matter that as a top architect he probably earned as much as Seunghyun did as lawyer, but he still wouldn’t let him pay. It was nice, the attention he got. Normally he always paid for dinner, because, as a man, it was expected that he paid for dinner and if he’d ever let Chaerin pay it would be considered as rude.

But it always reminded him of the ‘what could have been‘s.

He didn’t say anything though and it also seemed like Seunghyun was enjoying it as well, so why change anyhthing?

The only problem Jiyong had was, that Seunghyun didn’t even need to flirt with him to make him blush or stare at him, he still felt that invisible pull everytime he met up with Seunghyun, just like it had happened at the gallery. Seunghyun could be talking about some Norwegian artist and his love for design and chairs and Jiyong would be completely charmed.

Everytime before Jiyong met up with Seunghyun he told himself he wouldn’t give in like that, not let himself enjoy this small moment of peace, but everytime he lost.

Which meant whenever he went home, he was plagued with guilt. Especially when Chaerin walked up to him with a dazzling smile on her lips and kissed him. He knew he was crushing on Seunghyun and he knew that it would develop to something more since he really didn’t want to give up the friendship he had with Seunghyun – he was too selfish for that.

Most of the time it was a balance act between enjoying his time with Seunghyun and being almost high on positive emotions and pretending that his wife Chaerin was the cause of it. The stronger the pull towards Seunghyun got the more he felt like he needed to compensate. Seunghyun would treat him to another dinner at his favorite restaurant and he would come home and fuck Chaerin on the kitchen counter. Seunghyun would invite him to another exhibition and a drink afterwards and he would come home with flowers and chocolate to Chaerin. It wasn’t the right thing to do, Jiyong knew, but it was the only way he knew how to help himself in this situation.

 

* * *

 

  
“Why don’t you wear the dark grey suit, the Chanel one? You bought it the other day and still haven’t worn it, this would be the perfect opportunity for it, don’t you think?“

“That might be true, but I also don’t want to dress up for him to think I am trying too hard, you know?“

“Jiyong, please. You are one, if not the best architect in your firm. I highly doubt that he will think that you are trying too hard.“

Jiyong groaned. His boss had called him just a few moments before to let him know that he wants to talk to him in person the day after tomorrow – meaning, the next Monday, and Jiyong didn’t look forward to it at all. Whenever Youngsuk wanted to talk to someone, it almost always ended in tears or someone getting fired and Jiyong really didn’t want to lose his job.   
Normally, Chaerin was the one who helped him pick an outfit during moments like this, but she had plans with her girlfriends today. Meaning she wouldn’t come home any time soon and probably spend way too much time on new clothes and expensive drinks, which is why he called Seunghyun instead, but the other man wasn’t much of help either.

“Seunghyun, you really aren’t making this easy for me-“

“Why are you complaining? I don’t know what most of the things look like you have in your wardrobe so don’t bitch at me for not knowing what looks good on you!“

Jiyong stopped in his tracks for a minute. Seunghyun had a point.

“Hmm, hold on for a second I’ll put you on speaker.“, he placed his phone on his nightstand, walked over to his wardrobe and picked out the outfit he had in mind. The wardrobe was a walk-in one, a huge mirror on the inside of it as well – perfectly suited for what he had in mind. He quickly picked up the phone again and turned off the speaker.

“Alright, hold on for another second.“

He stepped in front of the giant mirror and snapped a picture of his outfit, making sure to pose a bit to show off the new Chanel jacket. Jiyong had wanted to buy it ever since he saw it on the runway, but even if he earned a lot of money, it still had been rather expensive and it had taken time until he was able to buy it.   
He tapped away on his phone, opening line in the progress and sending the image to Seunghyun, waiting for his response. He wasn’t disappointed.

“Jiyong, you’re incredibly unfair. You told me not to flirt with you and then you look this incredible in a god damn suit?“

“Does that mean I should wear it on Monday?“, he couldn’t suppress the giggle.

“Uhm, yes?!“

“Okay, then I will wear it on-“

“Dad? Who are you talking to?“

Jiyong stiffened. Crap. When did Hanbin come home? He quickly ended the call and tugged away the phone, trying to not act suspicious, but by the way Hanbin was looking at him he knew that he had been caught.

“I was talking to a good friend of mine.“

“Uh-hu. Really. A friend? Then why did you end the call like that?“  
Double crap. He felt his cheeks reddening.

“Because you startled me! Who taught you how to sneak up on me like that, I swear you are sometimes like a ghost – one second nowhere to be seen, the next you are right next to me – and why am I the one getting interrogated? I heard you talk on the phone until god knows when last night, I really don’t want to know how high your phone bill will be this month. You and Bobby talk a lot, don’t you?“

Now it was Hanbin’s turn to blush and he wordlessly left the bedroom.

One point for Jiyong, about one trillion for Hanbin.

 

 

* * *

 

Seunghyun [14:37]

Rude, just hanging up on me like that.

  
Jiyong [14:38]

Oh shut up, Hanbin straddled me – not my   
fault that my son is a ninja or something.

Seunghyun [14:42]

Haha, who knows. Maybe you were Bruce   
Lee in your last life and you always beat up  
bad guys? Would explain why Hanbin has   
ninja tendencies.

Jiyong [14:46]

Okay, whatever you say Chewbacca.

Seungyhun [14:49]

: (((   
When will you finally stop with that stupid nickname

  
It had stared a week ago – Jiyong and Seunghyun had met up in one of the bars they sometimes went to to have a drink or two and as always Seunghyun was the one in charge to get their drinks, meaning he had to get up from his place, push the chair back and go to the bar. Much to his demise the sound the chair made when getting pulled over the hardwoodfloor recembled the sounds Chewbacca made way too much – hence the nickname was born.   
Seunghyun had complained all evening long, but Jiyong hadn’t stopped calling him that – he only stopped when Seungyhun had threatened him to call him Princess Leia from now on and that was something Jiyong really did not want. Even though the nickname princess seemed nice – but no.

Jiyong [14:53]

Never.

Seunghyun [14:58]

Okay, Princess.

  
Jiyong grinned. Seunghyun could be such a moron sometimes.

 

* * *

 

  
The meeting with his boss ended without tears and without him getting fired – Jiyong felt like an idiot for freaking out like that in the end. Seunghyun had been right, there was no way in hell Yang would fire him just like that, it was actually the contrary. Yang had informed him that he would be the one send off to New York City in a few weeks to attend an important conference. He had also been asked to present his new project in front of the committee – to expand their business, Yang had said. Jiyong wasn’t too sure if that was the actual reason why Yang was sending him on the trip, but he wasn’t going to complain. A whole week in New York where he only had to attend to meetings, one at the beginning of his trip and one at the end of his trip, sounded like a lot of free time.

Jiyong [09:34]

Guess who is going on a trip to NYC

Seunghyun [10:23]

For real? That’s sounds amazing,  
when are you leaving?

Jiyong [10:45]

In two weeks, it more sounds like   
Going on vacation than anything else.  
Can’t wait to see everything there!

Seungyhun [10:48]

Make sure that you visit MoMA,   
it’s been a while since I last visited,  
but I am sure you’ll love it!

Jiyong [10:52]

Thank you, I’ll make sure to send you   
some pictures!

Seunghyun [10:55]

Can’t wait!

 

* * *

 

  
A few days later, it was a Saturday morning, Jiyong got woekn up by Chaerin who was animatedly talking on the phone to one of her friends. She had went outside the bedroom and onto the balcony, but Jiyong still heard her happy chattering through the open door.

“ – oh really? Yes I can’t wait! I will make sure to tell him. See you soon!“, she ended the call and went back inside with a bright smile on her lips.

“Good morning, sleepy head. Guess who just got invited to Soojoo’s and Xin’s birthday party in a week.“, Chaerin sat down on the bed next to Jiyong – leaving a short kiss on his forehead. He was still half asleep, yawning as he sat up in bed and tried to rub away the sleep from his eyes.

“One week?“, he yawned again, “ – you know I can’t come. I’ll be in New York for that meeting for a week.“ He stretched his limbs, trying to wake up a bit more – his brain was still fogged up with sleep.

“New York? Why didn’t you tell me anything about it!“

Jiyong froze – hadn’t he told her anything about it? He thought back to Monday morning, when he had the meeting with Yang. He had been so thrilled about the trip, he remembered that. He had texted Seungyhun immediately about it, the second he stepped out of the office he had already opened their line chat and send Seunghyun the messag. Did he really forget to tell his wife about it? He knew that he informed Seunghyun, but –

“I had a meeting with Yang on Monday and he told me that I was the one who needed to go, did I really not tell you anything about it?“, normally, Jiyong always told Chaerin everything that happened. Especially if he had to go to another country for a few days, because Yang send him off to god knows where again to represent their firm. Jiyong felt a feeling sinking in – he and Seunghyun had been talking so much about everything. That was something he normally did with Chaerin, not to that extent, but still.

“I didn’t even know you had a meeting with Yang. Why didn’t you tell me?“

Jiyong got hit with guilt. He really needed to get a grip.

“I’m sorry, darling.“, he rubbed his face with his hands, frustrated. “Work has been a pain in the ass lately, I’m sorry, I should have told you sooner.“

Chaerin didn’t look happy with that, but she cuddled up next to him.

“It’s okay, Jiyong. Just make sure to tell me next time, okay?“

“Okay.“

Jiyong didn’t try to think about it too hard, he simply had forgotten about it. No big deal. And it wasn’t a big deal either that he had talked to Seunghyun about it, before he had told his wife. It must have simply slipped his mind, that’s all. He didn’t need to worry about a thing – or did he?

 

 


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out so much differently than originally planned. 
> 
> Hope you guys like it.

“ – and make sure to call me once you arrive in New York, okay?“

“Yes, dear.“

“And you are sure you have everything you need?“

“Yes, dear.“

“Did you take your –“

“Chaerin, I’m forty five, not seven. And it’s not the first time I’m traveling either. I know you mean well, but I packed everything. I went through the list two times, just to make sure I have everything I need to bring with me.“

Chaerin sighed loudly – her arms were crossed in fron of her chest. Jiyong had started to pack earlier this day and ever since then his wife had wanted to make sure he packed all the right things. She had even prepared a list for him, just to be absolutely sure that he had packed all the necessities.

“I know, I just worry that you forget something. Remember out trip to Italy a few years ago? You forgot your passport of all things and you had to take another flight because of that. I just want to make sure you have everything with you.“

Jiyong was putting the last pair of socks into his suitcase, closing it and zipping it up while he listened to what his wife said. He couldn’t help but smile at the memory of that day. It had been the first major family trip to another country in a while and he had been so excited that he only packed half of his stuff – much to the frustration of Chaerin and Hanbin.

“I know, I know – but look. The passport is already in my wallet and safely packed away in my Briefcase, you don’t have to worry about a thing this time.“

“I know, I just dislike it when you have to go on a business trip for so long.“

“I know, darling, I know. I will make sure to make it up to you with a present when I get home – how does that sound?“

“Sounds good to me, but it doesn’t lighten my mood now, does it?“

He moved the suitcase off of their bed, placing it on the ground and looked at her with mischief in his eyes. “Do you want me to cheer you up?“ Jiyong stepped closer to Chaerin, who was standing in the doorframe that lead to the hallway, trying not to smile. She pretended to think hard about what he just had said, even looking up at the ceiling while bitting her lower lip.

“I really don’t know how you could possibly achieve that right now.“

Jiyong shook his head – his wife sometimes was unbelievable.

“Seems like I have to show you – “, with that, he pounced forward, lifted her up and slammed their bedroom door shut behind her and carried her to their bed. Her happy laughter echoed through the room as he jumped on bed with her.

Life sometimes was better than he deserved, Jiyong thought as Chaerin pulled him closer – already opening the first few buttons of his shirt and kissing him roughly.

 

* * *

 

  
New York was so different from Seoul, yet it strangely felt familiar, too. Sure, the language was a different one and the people looked different, but overall it had the typical traits every major city across the globe had. Tall buildings, people nearly running you over and way more angry taxi driver than necessary. It almost felt like home.  
Jiyong arrived in his hotel late at night – he was dead tired from the hours-long flight he had suffered through. His boss had thankfully made sure that he was seated in the first class, which sadly didn’t help at all when the person next to you was snoring loudly for hours on and your back started to protest after the first one and a half hours. His tired limbs carried him to his room – he dropped his luggage near the entrance and groaned loudly as he felt some of the tension leaving his lower back and shoulders. Fatigue and jet lag caught up to him sooner than he appreciated it and after a warm, long shower he let himself fall face first into his bed. Jiyong had felt so excited about seeing some parts of New York, but now that he was here all he wanted to do was sleep, eat something and sleep some more. He really didn’t know how he was going to be able to sit through two hour long meetings – one of them already the next day, starting at half past seven. What kind of monster scheduled a meeting that early? He groaned and dived his head even further into the soft pillow underneath his head. Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

  
Sadly, Jiyong was right about the meetings dragging on for hours and hours. He hadn’t slept very well the night before so staying awake and present was harder than originally planned. His mind kept on wandering – one second he was thinking about where he would eat that night, at the hotel or a restaurant? The next moment he was wondering if Hanbin had passed his math exam and if he was doing well all around. He and Bobby seemed to be really happy these days.  
He finally snapped back to reality – just in time, since a few seconds later he was asked to start his presentation. At least that woke him up a bit – it wasn’t like he hated to talk in front of people, but the fact that he was representing YG as a whole, made it just that much harder for him and added the much needed adrenaline to his blood to stay awake.

After twenty minutes he was done and very pleased with himself. As far as he could tell, the other people in the room had liked his presentation – even the grumpy looking old man who had been seated across from him had a small smile on his face.  
He sat back down – the next presentation starting already and Jiyong’s mind began to wander again. A quick glance at his watch told him that two and a half hours had passed already and that he would have so suffer for at least another hour. Maybe his boss really did hate him?

Jiyong looked around the room, trying not to be too obvious of course, to find something to entertain him – but nothing. Another glance at the watch – did time even pass? It had only been two minutes since he last checked and if this was going to continue like this he would certainly go mad. Not knowing what else to do he carefully fished out his phone – it had been on silent the whole time, thank god it would have been more than just embarrassing if his phone went off in the middle of this meeting, especially since it seemed like Seunghyun had decided to bombard him with cute pictures of his dog Charlie on line. Jiyong couldn’t help but smile. Some of these pictures were absolutely adorable and not only because of the cute dog, but also because of his owner. Jiyong slowly scrolled through the pictures. The first one was Charlie looking straight at the camera with a happy face – tongue hanging out of his mouth and tail wagging. In the next picture Charlie had apparently jumped onto Seunghyun’s chest and decided to take a nap – the picture was taken from the side so Jiyong could easily see the other man’s big smile as Charlie cuddled up against him. The third picture was a selfie – Seunghyun smiling brightly at the camera, while his dog looked up at him and licked his cheek. They had apparently decided to make a midnight walk – it was dark around them and in the background Jiyong recognized a familiar scene. They were in the park where Jiyong had first met Seunghyun.

(Seunghyun)

Midnight walk with the little one,  
Hope you arrived safely in NYC!  
How is it going so far?

(Jiyong)

Seems like you guys are having fun,  
did he wake you up??  
I’m sitting in the middle of a meeting  
And I just want it to be over : ((

(Seunghyun)

Yeah, he jumped on my chest and demanded  
That I take him out for a walk right this instant..  
What time is it in NYC right now? 10 in the morning?  
Please don’t die on me, Charlie would be devastated  
and I would have to find someone new to complain to

(Jiyong)

Sounds harsh, give him a treat from me :b  
Pff for that comment alone Charlie should  
bite a hole in your favorite pair of shoes,  
besides you won’t find anyone better  
than me, being my friend is an experience!

(Seunghyun)

Aww, vain much?? Y’know what? I’ll train  
Charlie to only bite holes into your shoes as  
revenge! How does that sound? B)  
But I have to confess, you’re one of a kind.

Jiyong couldn’t help but to smile brightly – Seungyhun and his friendship had somehow developed into constantly annoying and teasing one another and if Jiyong was being completely honest with himself he knew that what they did could be seen as low-key flirting. But Jiyong simply had decided that that wasn’t the case – why complicate everything when it could be easy?  
The small flutter of excitement he felt whenever he saw his phone light up and he read Seunghyun’s name didn’t mean anything at all either. It was normal to get excited whenever friends decided to call or text you and Seunghyun wasn’t going to be an expectation.

  
Jiyong couldn’t possibly put in words how much he looked forward to his free days – work back at home had been a pain in the ass lately and after that hellish meeting the day before he could really use some time off. But where to go first? He didn’t feel like staying in bed all day, even though his body was still suffering from the jet lag. Jiyong decided to simply check out some of the cafes close to the hotel, maybe do some shopping, too – he had promised both Chaerin and Hanbin a present after all. What kind of father and husband would he be if he didn’t bring a souvenir?  
Finding something for Hanbin was relatively easy – he had been a basketball fan ever since he was a little kid and finding merchandise for his favorite team was astonishingly easy in New York. Finding something for Chaerin, on the other hand, was not as easy as he had originally thought. He spend the majority of his day running from one boutique to the next, trying to find the perfect present for his wife and after looking for something for his wife, he finally settled for a knee-long Chanel coat that was just as eccentric as she was. Jiyong knew she would love it.

He also got a few presents for Seunghyun – he had been the one sending him a long list of exhibitions and other things he just needed to see after all, it just felt fair to get Seunghyun something as well. As he had been running through the different shops, he also passed a Yves Saint Laurent store. During all this time Seungyhun and he had been friends, Seunghyun had always worn neatly tailored suits and never something even close to casual. Okay, to be fair they mostly ended up meeting each other during lunch breaks when Seunghyun just had stepped out of the court room so there was no way in hell he could dress up in more casual attire than a suit. Maybe that was why Jiyong couldn’t hold back and buy something different for Seunghyun. He wanted to know what the other man looked like in a plain longsleved shirt or jumper, sue him. Besides, that deep, wine-red jumper with round neck just was so damn fluffy and soft Jiyong just needed to buy it for him. The silver Yves Saint Laurent cuffinks and the matching tie was just a must, too.

The fourth present just kinda happened as well. He was just on his way back to the hotel, when he walked past a huge comic book store and saw all the Star Wars merchandise – it was more of a gag gift than something serious and Jiyong left the store with fluffy Chewbacca slippers for Seunghyun and matching Star Trek shirts for Hanbin and Bobby. His family and friends were all closet nerds, himself included, and it was the perfect gift for all of them.  
By the time he went back to the hotel he was carrying way too many bags and he was totally exhausted. He carefully placed the bags near the entrance as he toed off his shoes and immediately stripped out of his clothes and took a quick shower. Jiyong couldn’t wait to finally have a moment of peace – running around all day was exhausting and he really could use some alone time.

Only now, he wasn’t so sure if he actually liked being alone in the huge hotel room. Back at home, he was so used to having someone around – be it Hanbin or Chaerin – but here in New York? Jiyong fished out his phone and checked the time. It was half past six in the evening, which meant that it was around half past eight in the morning on a Sunday in Seoul? Was that too early to call? Chaerin would most likely still be asleep and Hanbin as well, he took after his mother when it came to sleeping in. Maybe he should call Seunghuyn instead? He hadn’t been able to talk to him properly since Thursday and Jiyong really missed talking to him – the other man always managed to cheer him up no matter what mood he was in and they always found interesting topics to talk about or goofed around when talking to each other. Jiyong smiled, talking to Seunghuyn was what he really needed to cheer himself up right now.

Without a second thought he dialed the other man’s number and waited for him to pick up.

“Morning Jiyong“, came the tired, deep voice from the other side of the line, followed by a long yawn.

“Morning Hyung, I didn’t wake you did I?“

“No, no don’t worry. I wasn’t even asleep yet. I came home maybe an hour ago? I just took a quick shower to freshen up a bit, I was about to lay down for a while before you called, but I’m awake. How is New York treating you? Found anything interesting already?“

“New York is great so far, the only thing that was annoying was the meeting, but you already know about that one. Uh, I managed to do some shopping today – it’s amazing how many different stores they have here. I found something for Chaerin, Hanbin, Bobby and even for you –“

“You got something for me?“

“Obviously, you recommended so many great things to me I just had to get something for you as well.“

“Jiyongie, you really didn’t have to.“ Jiyong blushed at the nickname.

“Oh shush – it’s my pleasure, the only thing I like more than giving out gifts is receiving gifts.“

“I’ll remember that for the future.“

“You better! But anyways, how come you only came out an hour ago? Did your sister drag you out to drink again with her and her sisters?“, Jiyong smiled at the mental imagine of Seunghyun sitting between his sister and a bunch of other older women, all of them talking about god knows what while poor Seunghyun couldn’t do anything but sit there like a good boy. He got up from the bed, where he had been laying until that point, and started to wander around the hotel room.

“Uh, no. Actually ..“

“Actually, what –? Too embarrassed to talk about it? Come on, Hyung, I promise I won’t laugh.“

“Okay, well – I went on a date.“

Jiyong stopped in his tracks, good mood suddenly disappearing.

“On a date?“, his throat suddenly got dry and his stomach twisted uncomfortably. It was silent for a moment before Seunghyun answered.

“Yes, last night actually.“

“Oh?“, he bit his lip – unsure what to say right now, “how did it go?“

Did he really want to know? Jiyong didn’t know – Seunghyun was an attractive man after all, Jiyong should have expected that he would find someone to date sooner or later. Why should he stay single, it was not like Jiyong was interested in him or available that is, it shouldn’t matter to him who he dated – they were friends only. The only thing that he could possibly be concerned about was if the man Seunghyun had spend the night with was any good – yeah, that was probably why he felt uneasy about the idea of Seunghyun meeting someone. The fact that he only heard about it now and not before the date took place was what annoyed him and because he didn’t know the man, for all he knew, that man could be a total creep and Seunghyun deserved someone better than that.

“It was good, well – I only came home in the morning so it must have been good right?“, Seunghyun joked – apparently trying to lighten the mood a bit, but failing.

“Well, it does sound like you had fun – what’s his name? Where did you meet?“

His heart was pounding loudly.

“His name is John and he’s a bit older than I am, but very nice – we met at the Film Festival. We went out for drinks yesterday and uh – well. It was nice.“

“Nice.“

“Yeah, nice. Why? Is it bothering you?“

“No – of course not! You can meet whoever you want, I’m glad you find someone to spend a good time with. Are you going to see him again?“

Please say no.

“Yes, maybe. He’s interesting and it’s nice to spend time with him.“

“Well, uh – then congrats!“ – his voice sounded shallow, even to his own ears – “You know what? I have to go now, promised Chaerin I’d call her. Have a nice day, bye.“

He quickly ended the call, not wanting to hear anymore about that John guy and how much fun it was to go out for drinks with him and spend the night with him. Jiyong gnashes his teeth – why the hell was it bothering him so much? This went beyond caring about a friend’s well-being and he knew it. No, ending the call was the right decision and he really should call his wife and ask about her day, not Seunghyun’s. He was married, god damnit. He kept on slipping and this wasn’t good. He wanted to stay friends with Seunghyun, but that meant that he needed to stop this feeling of jealousy – it was obvious that Seunghyun was going to meet other men, they weren’t dating after all. Jiyong had made that crystal clear at the beginning of their friendship and he needed to respect Seunghyun and his decisions. Why should he stay single? Just to please Jiyong, who had chosen to stay with his wife? That was just absurd. Seunghyun deserved to be with someone who was committed to him, someone who wasn’t afraid to be with him.

That didn’t mean that those annoying feelings inside of him would just stop to exist. The jealousy had already settled deep in his stomach, pulling and biting at his insides and showing its ugly face.

Jiyong shook his head, irritated. He really needed to snap out of it and behave like a rational thinking adult and not some love sick teenager that just heard their crush was seeing someone else. Seunghyun wasn’t even a god damn crush, he was his friend and nothing more – and he certainly never would be anything more than just that. He quickly walked through his hotel room and walked over to the minibar, taking out the first thing he could grab – in that case, a small bottle of Jägermeister – and quickly downed half of it. The burning feeling down his throat felt good and soon a sense of warmth spread through his stomach, almost eliminating the unpleasant feeling.

Almost.

He took another gulp from the bottle, emptying it successfully and throwing the empty bottle into the bin. Jiyong already felt the affect the alcohol had on him, but he felt like getting drunk today so why not? The next day was a Sunday anyways, if he wanted to he could nurse a hangover all day in bed and hate himself then. He took out another Jägermeister and some other drinks, throwing them onto his bed, along with a few snacks, and turned on the TV.

“Stupid John.“, he threw himself onto his bed, leaning against the head of the bed and sulked. He stubbornly watched TV, trying really hard to ignore his current state of mind and the nagging feeling of jealousy that seemed to get even worse the more time passed.

For fucks sake, what was this – a badly written k drama? Jiyong wasn’t going to be so pathetic and sulk over this – just that he was and it was annoying him. He knew he was being inefficient. He knew it and that was annoying him even more. What was he getting mad over anyways? That Seunghuyn was happily screwing some guy he didn’t even know?

Another bottle of Jäger was almost empty and now Jiyong felt the alcohol for sure. His limbs were getting all tingly and loose and he was getting slightly dizzy – not too much that it was unpleasant but just enough to feel the light buzz in his bones. The only problem with alcohol and Jiyong was that alcohol always had the annoying side effect to get him horny, which now meant that he was alone in his hotel room, horny and jealous because Seunghyun was seeing another man.

What was so good about that John guy that Seunghyun had to spend the whole night with him? Jiyong didn’t know and it was driving him nuts. Did they have sex? Jiyong scoffed, they were adults and spend the night. Obviously something happened between them – he wasn’t that naïve. But still. It nagged at him that Seungyhun dopend the night with someone else. Had the sex been good? How did it feel like to have sex with another man anyways? Did Seunghyun top or bottom? His thoughts were going wild and he couldn’t stop the blood rushing south – he already felt himself growing hard at the thought of Seunghyun naked in bed.

But now he got curious, too. What did gay sex feel like?

He had watched a few porn videos a long time ago and the two guys in the video seemed to enjoy themselves very much – but did it really feel that great to get fucked in the ass? He moved around on his bed, pants getting tighter the more he thought about it. Great, now he was really curious about it, but he couldn’t just stick his fingers in there and try his luck – or?

No – Jiyong shook his head. He didn’t have any kind of lube and just using spit wasn’t sufficient enough and he really didn’t want to hurt himself while doing it. He sighed loudly and let himself fall back onto the bed, frustrated.

Great, he was stuck in his hotel room with nothing to properly fuck himself with and right now he really, really wanted to know what it felt like and –

Wait. On his trip to find presents for Seunghyun and the others he had passed one or two sex shops as well and if he remembered correctly, one of them was even open 24 hours. Was he really that desperate? Jiyong looked down on the forming tent in his pants and groaned even louder. Yes, he was – besides, when would he ever have the chance to explore his body like that again without having someone around to catch him? It was the perfect opportunity and he wasn’t going to let it slip past him just like that, plus right now he had the right amount of slightly drunken courage to do something as possibly stupid as that. He got up from the bed, put on a jacket and twenty-five minutes later he was the proud owner of a bottle of lube and two differently sized dildos – one of them even vibrated.

But now that he had laid out both of the objects on his bed and stood in front of them awkwardly, he wasn’t so sure of himself anymore. Was he really going to shove something up his ass in the middle of this hotel room? Then again, the painfully awkward trip to the sex shop would have been totally unnecessary if he really didn’t at least use the toys.

Fuck it.

Literally.

He took another gulp of alcohol, his courage back on track. He was really going to do this, he was really going to use theses toys on him – but now that he actually had the toys his arousal wasn’t there anymore. Jiyong needed to get in the mood again – which was relatively easy, hopefully. Jiyong wasn’t really thinking rationally, he was drunk and wanted to do this no matter what.

He opened the fly of his pants and shimmied out of them, his shirt following shortly afterwards same as his socks and briefs and made himself comfortable on the bed, phone in his hand and already dialing Seunghyun’s number. He didn’t have to wait long for him to pick up.

“Jiyong? Hey, are you okay? I tried to call you again you were kinda weird before you ended the call, are you sure you are fine?“

“Yeah, I’m sorry – there is just a lot going on right now and to be honest I am curious about something, would you mind answering a few questions?“

“Sure, what do you want to know?“

“It’s about gay sex.“

Jiyong heard Seunghyun inhale sharply.

“Uh, yeah sure – what do you want to know?“

“Well, uh, basically – how does it work? I mean, I get the thing about anal sex, but does it actually feel good and do you need to consider something? Lube is a necessity, right?“

“Well, you have to prepare yourself – or your partner – first, you can’t just shove it in, but – Jiyong, why do you want to know about this all of a sudden?“

“I told you, I got curious that’s all.“ He carefully spread his legs a bit – just talking to Seunghyun on the phone about this excited him already, he could feel the blood rushing into his cock. Jiyong held the phone with his left hand and grabbed his hardening cock with his right one – easier that way – and carefully massaged the tender skin, moving his hand up and down his shaft, feeling how it was swelling up and growing hard. His hand slipped downwards, while he widened his legs again to have better access to his balls – he grabbed them, playing with them just the way he liked it. Enough pressure, not to little and not too much to be painful – just the right amount of it. Jiyong had closed his eyes and blindly reached for the lube – he opened the bottle as quietly and best as he could with one hand, he didn’t want to get caught by Seunghyun. He spread the cool gel on his cock, shivering slightly at the temperature change and bit his lip – making sure not to make any noises.

“How do I prepare myself?“

Jiyong’s eyes were still closed and he could see all too clearly how Seunghyun reacted – he heard the cough from him, he was probably trying to cover up the embarrassment he probably felt, but Jiyong didn’t care – his dick was hard and he wanted to know, preferably listening to Seunghyun’s voice while doing it.

“Well, you have to make sure your partner is relaxed and you start with one finger.“

“One finger?“

“Yeah, you lube it up and press against the rim and put it inside – it’s a bit weird at first but the weirdness will pass and you will get used to it.“

Jiyong reached between his legs, carefully massaging the space between his balls and rim – fuck that already felt good. He went further down, his finger catching at his rim and he did as Seunghyun had told him, pressing in carefully – the angle was a bit odd, but that wasn’t going to stop him from trying. He sat up on his knees and put Seunghyun on speaker, placing the phone next to him on the bed as he balanced himself on his arm while reaching through his legs and shoved one finger inside again. It was easier this way, even though if he wasn’t queit used to the angle.

“Okay, what then?“

Seunghyun coughed again.

“You move your finger around until you are used to it, if you feel like you are ready you put the second one inside. Make sure to spread your fingers a bit – you need to stretch and losen up your muscles, just relax and then you continue with the scissoring motion.“

Jiyong bit his lip, adding the second finger. There was a slight stretch, but nothing too extreme – it still felt weird though. Normally that was the place things were pushed out, not in, but he really didn’t want to think about that right now, even though the feeling right now still was similar – not the same obvious. He listened carefully to what Seunghyun was telling him to do and the more he stretched himself, the better it felt.

But not good enough to make him moan out loudly.

“Seunghyun, I have a question – I watched porn a while ago and the bottom really seemed to enjoy it, but I really don’t see how this is supposed to be as good as he made it seem?“, he tried to keep his voice as steady as he possibly could, “I mean, is there something I don’t know?“

Seunghyun was silent for a moment.

“You don’t know about the prostate, do you?“

“Prostate?“

He heard a soft, deep chuckle from the other end of the line.

“Jesus, you really don’t know about this?“, Jiyong scoffed – how should he know about this?

“Okay, well – when you put your fingers inside, until you can’t get inside any further to your last knuckle, tap around for a bit – there should be a hardened gland, crook your fingers downwards a bit you will know when he you feel it.“

He wet his lips, his breath slightly shaky.

“Okay.“

Jiyong carefully shoved his two fingers further into himself – touching and probing around the walls of his tight channel. The sensation was starting to get more and more pleasant, thinking about Seunghyun doing these things to him was helping as well, but he couldn’t seem to find it.

“Seunghyun, I don’t think I –“

He didn’t know what he did differently, but this time he finally felt the hardened gland Seunghyun had been talking about and immediately tapped against it – his thighs started to shake and twitch and he couldn’t hold back the moan that ripped through him. He pressed against the spot again and his vision went blind for a second – Jiyong felt pleasure shooting through his core, making his toes curl and he continued to press against that spot. He shoved his face into the soft comforter of his bed, trying to muffle his moans, but from the gasp coming from the phone he guessed Seunghyun had heard him already, but Jiyong didn’t care right now – let Seunghyun listen, he couldn’t care less right now.

“Jiyong, are you –“

But Jiyong didn’t even really listen – the only thing he that mattered was Seunghyun’s deep voice in his ears, his fingers in his ass and the maddening pleasure that spread through him like wildfire. He blindly reached over the bed, finally grabbing one of the dildos, pulling out his fingers and quickly lubing it up and placing it at his entrance – the toy was definitely bigger than his fingers, but Jiyong needed to have more inside, he wanted to feel the stretch and the pull and the feeling of being filled.

He hissed loudly as he pushed the toy inside – it didn’t hurt too much, but he needed a moment to collect himself, to let the burn pass.

“Jiyong, can you hear me? Are you okay?“

“Yes, I’m more than just okay –“, a deep groan escaped his lips as he finally pushed it all the way inside of him, “ – the toy is just bigger than my fingers.“

“Toy?“, Seunghyun’s voice sounded breathless and rough and it made the feeling of the plastic toy inside of him so much better and he couldn’t help but grin – fuck this was so good. He quiekend his pace, making sure to aim at the sensitive bundle of nerves that made him go blind with pleasure. The room got filled with breathless pants and curses from Jiyong, the wet noises of him pushing the toy inside and pulling out again over and over again – Seunghyun was still on the other end of the line and Jiyong nearly toppled over as he heard him curse. Shit, this was hot.

“Fuck, Seunghyun I –“

He leaned back on his knees, successfully fucking himself on the toy – the change of angle made it so much better. Before, the toy merely brushed against the spot that made Jiyong moan out loudly, but now he could catch it at an even better angle and with every push another wave of ecstasy rolled through. He was breathing hard, panting, groaning and moaning and his other hand finally grabbed his dick. Jiyong’s cock was rock hard, precum already making it all wet and glisten – he didn’t even need lube anymore to jack him off. He was so hard and the more he pressed and thrusted into him the deeper his pleasure was going – this was different from simply jerking off, this was coming from deep inside. It was as if something was building up inside of him, he could feel it –

“Jiyong –“, Seunghyun’s desperate voice reached him and just like that, he finally came. Waves of pleasure wrecking through him as he came in thick spurts onto his own chest and comforter. His thighs were trembling madly and he couldn’t hold back the desperate moans, calling out Seunghyun’s name over and over again, milking himself dry and fucking himself through his orgasm until it finally got too much to handle and he collapsed onto the bed.

His harsh breathing was the only sound in the room.

That, and the beeping noise of his phone.

Seunghyun had ended the call.

 

 


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one got longer than planned scene wise - I only wanted some of the scenes to be shorter and start with the following plot, but now I think that this chapter was necessary anyways.
> 
> Hope you guys like it and thank you so much for leaving such nice comments, I really appreciate them!

Jiyong jolted awake – one second he was still in deep slumber, the next he was wide awake, heart beating furiously in his chest. He looked around, confused, not sure what had woken him up so suddenly, until he realized that his phone was ringing.

It was Chaerin.

“Hello?“

“Don’t you ‘Hello‘ me, Mister! I called you so many times and you never picked up! What where you doing all this time?!“, Jiyong groaned as soon as he heard his wife’s voice – his head was pounding and the room was still spinning, he still felt the effects of the alcohol last night and he severely regretted drinking so much. What the hell had he been thinking?

“Sorry, Chaerin. I was really tired after shopping for presents yesterday, I must have fallen asleep – I only now woke up.“

That’s right, he went out to buy presents the day before – running from A to B and back to A just to find the fitting gift for his family and friends. He had gotten something for Chaerin, obviously, for Hanbin and Bobby as well – those two could be counted as one by now – and then for Seunghyun as well and –

Fuck. Seunghyun.

Jiyong sat up straight, his heartbeat knocking against his ribcage – had he seriously done what he thought he did last night? A cold sense of dread washed through his body and as he slightly shifted from left to right, he felt how sore he was – he could feel the ache and pull in his muscles in his lower back. Panic grabbed him and he couldn’t shake it off anymore, it got only worse when he pulled aside the blanket and the toys he had bought resurfaced again.   
Oh god, what had he done?

Chaerin was talking to him over the phone, but he wasn’t really listening to what she had to say – too distracted by the sheer embarrassment and angst caused by the memories that haunted him now of what he had done the night before. What the hell had he been thinking calling Seunghyun of all people while getting himself off like that – he could have just googled how to do it, this was the 21st century after all, god damnit.

“Chaerin, I’m sorry but can I call you back later? I’m not quiet awake yet and I really want to take a shower – is that okay?“

His wife huffed at the other end of the line, but eventually muttered a quick “fine“ before ending the call. Jiyong immediately looked through his phone – after he had called Seungyhun the first time, Seunghyun had called him again. Twice. He had even send a few messages, asking him if he was alright and if he was angry at Seunghyun for something. But after the second call? Nothing.

Shit. Jiyong was in deep trouble – how the hell should he approach Seunghyun now? Just ignore the whole fiasco and pretend like nothing happened? No, he really couldn’t do that – he would die of embarrassment when he met the other man the next time. Was there even a next time? Maybe Seunghyun had been so grossed out by what he had done that he decided to end their friendship for good? It made Jiyong’s stomach twist uncomfortably – as much as he was embarrassed, the fear that he had lost Seunghyun was worse. He needed to properly apologize as soon as possible. A quick glance on the clock told him that it was five past noon already, meaning that it was five minutes past two in the morning in Seoul – early Monday morning.

(Jiyong)

Hey Seunghyun,

I hope I don’t wake you up with this message, but I truly wanted to   
apologize for what I did last night – I was completely wasted and   
lonely, but that is no excuse for it either.   
I’m so embarrassed you have no idea – I’m so sorry.

Please don’t be mad or disgusted, I’m really sorry.

Are we still friends?

  
As soon as he hit send he was a ball of nervous energy, he paced around in his room while he had tossed his phone on his bed. He needed to distract himself somehow, he couldn’t just sit here and wait for Seunghyun to wake up and read his message and –

His phone vibrated, a call was incoming.

His pulse went through the roof.

Seunghyun was calling him.

A thousand thoughts shot through his head in the span of two seconds – why was Seunghyun calling him if it was that late at night in Seoul? Didn’t he have to be at work the next day? Why was he calling him in the first place? Was he that mad that he wanted to shout at Jiyong? Was he going to laugh at him? Was he going to humiliate him for what he did? Was he disgusted? Why didn’t he just text back with whatever he had to say?

With shaky fingers he pressed the green button, accepting the call?

“Hello?“

“Jiyongie –“, Seunghyun’s slurred voice came through the line, dragging out his name and giggling at the end.

“Seunghyun – are you drunk?“ It was completely unnecessary to ask, since he could already tell by how he had pronounced his name and the way he just wouldn’t stop giggling as if he just heard the funniest joke on the planet.

“Yess and – I just can’t stop thinking about your last call.“, he hiccuped, “You sounded so cute moaning my name like that.“

Jiyong felt his blood shooting to his face and admittedly to other places as well. What the hell was he talking about? Cute? Why wasn’t he disgusted by what Jiyong had done – shouldn’t he feel terrible about it? Why did he sound so pleased?

“Seunghyun, you’re drunk you don’t know what you’re talking about. You should –“, his words got cut off as he heard someone starting to talk to Seunghyun. It was another man – voice relatively deep and it sounded as if he was trying Seunghyun to convince to go to bed. What was going on?

“No, John – I still wanna talk to Jiyongie. I can’t just end the call like that –“, Jiyong tried to listen carefully to what was going on, to follow the conversation, but the voices were muffled. Almost as if Seunghyun had dropped the phone on something soft – couch? Bed? He couldn’t tell, but it was annoying him, especially when he heard Seunghyun saying his name again. Jiyong was about to say something again, to get the attention back, when the phone got picked up and someone else started to talk to him.

“Sorry, Seunghyun is really drunk and needs to go to bed now. He will call back tomorrow.“

And just like that, the call ended and Jiyong was feeling as insecure and left alone as before. He had wanted to clear the air between him and Seunghyun, but apparently Seunghyun had been drinking with that John guy – another date perhaps? It shouldn’t have hit him as hard as he did, but he felt the familiar ache in his chest as he stared at his phone. Seunghyun was on another date with that John guy and it was already late at night, god knows what they had been up to again. He didn’t even want to think about it, but the thoughts came and wouldn’t leave again. Seunghyun was spending the night with another man and it was hurting Jiyong.

His slightly drunk self could deal with this – his drunk self had no problem with acccepting the fact that he had been jealous, but his sober self? The day before, before he started to drink, he had denied the fact that it hurt him, because he liked Seunghyun. He had told himself that it wasn’t like that, that he only liked Seunghyun as a friend – and nothing more, but now? His drunk self had shown him how unplatonic his feelings and thoughts about Seunghyun really were and he had been okay with it – hell he had been so drunk that he had even been okay with having one sided phone sex with Seunghyun, but now? Another wave of nausea hit him hard – this time it wasn’t jealousy, but the sinking feeling of realization that he had caught feelings that were more than friendly towards the other man. The other man who was now seeing someone else and it really shouldn’t bother Jiyong, he was married, but then again he knew that he also had been lying to himself for a very long time and right now he hit rock bottom, because he realized that he couldn’t run away from it any longer. He liked men – he liked Seunghyun, but he was married to a woman, to Chaerin. Chaerin who had been there for him through all the ups and downs during the past thrifty-ish years. The woman who he trusted with his life, who had always picked him up no matter how hard he fell, the woman who had made it possible to be a father and who had given him the most beautiful gift someone could ask for – Hanbin.

It made him sick. The nausea started to get worse – the lingering hangover had already made him feel bad, but the realization that he was fucking things up majorly made everything so much worse and he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. How could he let it go that far? What would he do now anyways? Should he continue pretend that everything was fine and stay married? Should he come out to his wife and hope for the best? What would happen with him and Seunghyun? Would he leave Chaerin only to be alone?

Jiyong spend the next hours in bed, crying until his eyes were red and swollen, until his head was spinning and pounding again. He felt weak and exhausted afterwards, his limbs heavy and he didn’t want to move at all, but he knew he had to. Eventually he dragged himself out of bed and into the shower – the hot water helped him calm down and eased the pain in his back. Afterwards, he drank a lot of water — dehydration after nursing a hangover and having a mental breakdown was a bitch.

He sat back down on his bed, freshly showered. He looked around the hotel room, trying to figure out what to do next. Jiyong might have calmed down from his breakdown, but he still had too many questions – what was he supposed to do now? Was he really willing to let go of everything he had build up at home?

Jiyong needed help and he knew that.

He picked his phone up again, scrolled through his contacts and called the only person he knew who would never judge him, no matter what. It wasn’t going to be pretty, no matter what – his heart was already pounding away in his chest and his fingers were shaking. Was he really going to come out for the very first time in his life? Would he really make that step? His mind was screaming at him, telling him not to do it – to just ignore everything and go back to his family after this trip was done, to continue living the life he had lived up until now, but his heart just wasn’t in it. His heart told him to finally, after forty-three years, act on how he felt. It was similar to living in a cage – he had always watched his step, watched how he behaved, that his eyes didn’t linger too long on someone, on another man. It had been a nightmare when he grew up, when he was still figuring himself out.

No, he had to do it. Even if it was only one person – he didn’t feel like he had the courage to do more than that, this small step alone was hard enough for him.

“Hello?“

“Hey, SooJoo. Do you have a moment to talk?“, his voice was already shaking. He cleared his throat, trying to swallow down his nervous feelings.

“Sure, what’s wrong? Are you okay, Jiyong? You don’t sound good, did soemthing happen?“

Jiyong had to surpress the panicked laugh – it was almost hysterical. Had something happened? How about, his whole life was about to change? How about, he was probably going to lose his family? The majority of his friends? How about, all the things he had build up over the past twenty plus years was about to crumble down and fall to pieces? How was he going to explain all of this?

“You could say that, yeah – uh, I don’t know where to start to be honest. It’s just, I have been thinking so much about all of this and I guess I’m just lost and I could really use some help, some guidance and –“

“Jiyong, breath for a second! You’re rambling and talking so fast I can’t understand everything – okay? I have enough time to listen to whatever happened and you don’t need to be so nervous, you sound like you’re about to cry.“

He shakenly inhaled and exhaled.

He could do this.

“Okay.“, he paused for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts and not word-vomit at SooJoo.

“I’m not sure where to start, still. Uhm – you know that I have a new friend, right? Seunghyun?“

“Yes, you told me about him more often than once, you guys really hit it off it’s cute.“

Jiyong smiled bitterly.

“Well, he kinda made me realize a few things – a few very personal things.“

“Uh-huh?“

“You have to promise me that you won’t hate me or tell anyone about this, okay?“

“Jiyong, come on tell me what’s going on.“, she chuckled, obviously amused by her friends nervous behavior. “What, did Seunghyun make you realize you’re gay or something?“

She obviously meant it as a joke, to losen Jiyong up a bit and distract him from whatever he was going through, but it only made him more nervous – his face flushing red and feeling as if someone suckerpunched him. His silence stretched awkwardly between them and he heard SooJoo gasp.

“Wait, for real?“

Jiyong couldn’t reply – his lower lip was already quivering and tears blurring his vision.

“I’m so sorry, I –“

“Jiyong, baby, no! Don’t apologize! Oh god, I’m so sorry for joking about this –“

He couldn’t hold himself together anymore, he was embarrassed and the tears just wouldn’t stop coming – he tried to stop, biting his lips, to stop the hiccups, but it didn’t really work. Instead, he cried and cried and it was so relieving to finally have someone who knew the truth it was frightening and freeing at the same time – he didn’t know what to say so he continued to cry.

It took him several minutes to calm down – SooJoo waited patiently for him to calm him down, talking to him in a soothing voice, telling him over and over again that this wasn’t a reason to be scared – not with her. They had met at the same time when Jiyong and Chaerin had met – back in middle school. The three of them had hit it off right from the beginning and had spend a lot of time together. SooJoo and Chaerin were his best friends and they were almost like sisters to him. Okay, Chaerin not so much – obviously, but he really considered SooJoo as his older sister. After a few more minutes he was finally able to speak with a normal voice again – he still felt weak, but SooJoo helped him a lot.

Especially when he tried to figure out what to do.

“ – you know, you don’t have to know everything right now, right? I mean, you just figured out you like men – or at least Seunghyun. It would be a mistake to just dive head in first like that while you’re still emotionally so vulnerable.“, he wanted to protest, but SooJoo already knew what he was about to say, “ – and no, this doesn’t mean you are ignoring it. I only mean that you should take your time to really think about what you want. I know this all must be confusing and scary, but I promise you that I will stay by your side no matter what, you are my little brother and I love you and that won’t change no matter what, okay?“

Jiyong felt like crying again, but this tie for a complete different reason.

“Thank you, Soo.“

“Anytime, Pooh.“

Jiyong cringed at the old nickname. God, his friends were terrible he really needed new ones.

 

* * *

 

He didn’t do much for the rest of the day or for the next day either – he was stuck in his own head and spend way too much time thinking about his situation and about what SooJoo had said. Jiyong knew that he wasn’t ready to give up the family life with Chaerin and Hanbin like that, but he also knew that he needed to tell them. He wanted to finally break out of that cage, but that was easier said than done.

In the end, he came to the conclusion that he was scared – he finally understood why Hanbin hadn’t said anything to either of them, the whole thing could scare the shit out of you. Jiyong still needed time to find the courage in him to actually confess it to his wife and son. The only problem he had now was that he really didn’t feel like talking to Chaerin right now – it was too much of a reminder of all the things going on right now and he didn’t need more stress, but him not really talking to Chaerin maid it so much worse.

He sipped at his glass of scotch, inwardly cringing at the fight he just had with his wife over the phone – he had told her that he was tired and needed some time on his own, telling her that he would be back in a few days anyways so she shouldn’t make such a big deal out of it. Wrong choice of words – Chaerin had almost exploded; she accused him of so many things, of him neglecting her, not being there for her, even of him cheating. From a third persons point of few it made sense that Chaerin was behaving like she did – in some form Jiyong was cheating on her. That’s what it felt like for him at least.

Jiyong let his head drop into his hands and closed his eyes. The bar he was in was rather empty in the moment, but there where still some background noises – the quiet chatter of the other people in the room, glasses coming in contact with the tables or the bar, the sound of the coffee machine going off or faint sound of music being played. Jiyong smelled the faint smell of alcohol and cigarettes as he deeply inhaled, and sighed. He wasn’t happy, not at all.   
Seunghyun hadn’t contacted him since the drunken incidents between them and Jiyong was too much of a coward to call him again – Seunghyun probably didn’t want to talk to him anyways, plus there was a high chance he was with that John guy again and he really didn’t want to hear that man’s voice ever again. Another sigh left his lips and he downed the rest of his scotch, already signaling the bartender that he wanted another glass.

“Tough day?“

“More like tough week, month even.“, he sadly smiled at the bartender who had a comforting look on her face.

“Wanna talk about it?“

“I’m not sure if you want to hear it, it’s pretty personal.“

“You don’t have to talk about it if you are uncomfortable with it, you just look like you really could need someone to talk to right now – and I’m someone who you, most likely, won’t ever see in your life again. Sometimes talking to complete strangers is easier than talking to close friends or family.“

That made Jiyong think back to the day when he met Seunghyun a few months ago – he had been sitting in the middle of the deserted park and Seunghyun had just walked up to him and he had immediately opened up to him and it had helped him a lot – why shouldn’t he give another stranger another shot? Maybe she could even help him out?

He sat down his glass and sighed again, rolling the glass between his fingers.

“I guess you’re right.“ – another gulp from the glass – “Ironically my problems started with a situation like this – me, talking to a stranger. My son came out to me and my wife as gay and I kinda panicked and needed a moment for myself. Being gay isn’t easy in Korea, you know? That was something I realized from a very young age on, but it has gotten a little bit easier ever since. The reason why I freaked out so much was, because I actually like men as well, but I never came out to anyone and it felt like a punch in the gut that my own son would have to face these struggles, but it was also a grim reminder that I am not straight either – it kinda threw me back to the time when I first figured out I was gay and had to pretend that I am not.“

“Anyways, I needed a moment to be alone and went to a park that is near my house and I was crying and felt like shit, but then all of a sudden this man, Seunghyun, walked up to me and talked to me and cheered me up. Turned out he went through something simuliert – being gay and married to a wife. He got me out of my own misery about my son being gay, by telling me I should think about it from my son’s point of view and that’s when I decided that I would be the father I would have needed when I was young. I don’t want Hanbin to suffer. I want him to be able to come home and feel at ease, I don’t want him to fear me and we even talked it out and everything is going well, he even has a boyfriend now and they are very cute.“

“I’m sensing a “but“ coming, am I right? Otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting here.“

“Exactly, the problem now is that Seunghyun and I got close – really close, we write almost every day and send each other messages and it’s so good to spend time with him and when we first started to meet up more often I told him not to flirt with him because I’m married and he accepted it, but a few days ago I called him and turns out he was on his way back from a date – the next morning – and I just, I got so jealous even though I have no right to be and then it got even worse, because I got drunk and kinda ended up doing something really stupid and embarrassing.“, Jiyong stopped for a moment, his cheeks already heated up by just thinking about it.

“Oh god, what did you do – you are beet read.“

“Well I kinda went out to get some toys you know and I called him again and asked him how sex between two guys work and, well, you know –“

“ – oh god, did you jerk off or soemthing while he was explaining it?“

The redness form his face spread down to his neck by now for sure – this was embarrassing to the point that he wanted to just run out of the bar and never come back here.

“Yes, and the worst part is that he only hang up after I was done and then when I woke up again I was so embarrassed and I messaged him, apologizing for what I did and instead of messaging me back, that idiot calls me back! He was piss drunk too, but our conversation got cut short, because he was with that stupid John guy again and –“

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.“  
Jiyong shut up immediately.

“Back to the moment you called him – he didn’t hang up immediately, but only after you were done? And he flirted with you at the beginning of your friendship? Are you sure he isn’t into you even though go told him you aren’t interested back then?“

Huh. During his meltdown he hadn’t really thought about what Seunghyun might be feeling – he had only asked himself why the other man hadn’t been disgusted by him, that was him. His brain hadn’t made the connection that Seunghyun could possibly like him, too.

You sounded so cute moaning my name like that.

His eyes widened at the realisation – did Seunghyun really like him back?

“I have another question, just to see the full picture – what did he say when he called you after you wrote him? I know you said that other guy was with him, but what did he say to you?“

“He said that he couldn’t stop thinking about the call“, his fingers were getting shaky, “that I even sounded cute saying his name and then when John tried to get him into bed, he kept on complaining, saying that he wanted to talk to me.“

Jiyong had stared at his glass while he spoke – he was still blushing madly, while talking about this and the fact that he was slightly tipsy didn’t help either – but as he finally looked up, he looked at the grinning face of the bartender.

“Sir? I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but that man you’re talking about? He’s got it bad for you – the only logical explanation for him dating that other guy is that he respects you so much that he accepted the fact that he can’t have you and right now he is probably trying his best to get over you, using that John. But you’re phone call probably made him realize how much he actually wants you – otherwise he would have hanged up sooner and not call you back, drunk, and tell you how cute you sound calling out his name.“

“But why hasn’t he called me back, yet?“

“Probably because he is embarrassed, too and also scared that he just messed up something between you guys – try to see it from his point of view. The guy he likes is married to a woman and told him off already, which is why he tries to concentrate on someone else, but as soon as that happens his crush has more or less phone sex with him and he’s getting thrown back to where he starter emotionally wise. He’s probably trying to ignore his feelings right now as best as he can, licking his wounds and trying to move on. I think if you call him again, he will definitely pick up.“

He moved his glass between one hand to the other one, bitting his lower lip.

“Are you sure? Because this could affect my family a lot – me choosing to be with Seunghyun instead of my wife.“

“If you still want to be with your wife – wholeheartedly – then you should be happy that Seunghyun isn’t calling you, but from the way I see it and how miserable you look I think that you really like him and I also think that you should try it. You don’t have to separate from your wife right away, you could try to see if Seunghyun is really interested in you and then talk to your wife – I know that is a dick move, but this situation is terrible to begin with. The other alternative is, which is probably better in relation to your wife – speak to her first and see what happens. If you guys really separate you can concentrate on Seunghyun fully without feeling guilty about everything. This way, it’s probably harder to find the courage to do it, because there is the possibility that Seunghyun doesn’t want you, but if that’s something that concerns you I want to tell you something – I know it sounds cheesy, but we only have this one life. Sometimes it’s better to what our heart has to say to us than what is logical. Even if this Seunghyun guy isn’t the right one, he made you realize that you are gay and now that you are truly aware of it, it won’t get away that easily anymore. It will always be in the back of your head and I’m sure that there will be someone else you fall for – or who will fall for you and that would put you into the same situation again in which you are now. Of course, it’s your decision and I’m not trying to push you into it either, just really think about this and take your time if you need it.“

Jiyong nodded, deep in his thoughts and absently staring straight ahead. Deep down he already knew what he had to do, or what he really wanted to do, but there was still something holding him back.

He ordered another drink and more time to truly reflect on all of this.

* * *

 

It’s Thursday and Jiyong finally walks out of the second meeting – he is tired, his back hurts and he really could use some sleep. He hadn’t been able to sleep properly ever since talking to the bartender – he had tried to fall asleep several times, but his thoughts always kept him awake and he couldn’t stop thinking about Seunghyun. Why hasn’t he called him? Was he really scared or even embarrassed? Jiyong missed him. He missed him desperately and he wasn’t scared anymore to admit that fact – he missed Seunghyun, their almost daily talks, their sometimes idiotic messages. He even missed his terrible jokes and his childishness. He missed him so much.

The meeting had dragged on almost all day and as Jiyong arrived at his hotel the sun was already setting. That would mean it was already day time in Seoul – but Seunghyun was probably at court, which meant that Jiyong would have to wait until late at night to call him. His flight would depart the next day at 6 am, if he called him an hour before it would be around 7 pm and Seunghyun would be hopefully at home already.

Jiyong went to bed right away, his suitcases already packed and ready for the next day. He was nervous – he still didn’t know what to properly say to Seunghyun, but he guessed that saying the truth would be the best thing to do right now. But what was the truth? He liked him – more than a friend and he would talk to Chaerin as well.

He halted for a moment.

Chaerin. He had totally forgotten about his wife in this scenario. Damnit.

He couldn’t ask Seunghyun out until he talked to Chaerin first, he couldn’t do that to her – they had been friends for so long now it would break his heart to cheat on her like that. Jiyong dragged his hand over his face. Okay, new plan – he would have to talk to Chaerin frist, before he could talk to Seunghyun, which meant that he would come out to his wife tomorrow.

It should make him feel anxious and nervous, more than talking to Seunghyun, but it didn’t. Sure he was scared how she would react, but possibly getting dumped by Seunghyun was so much scarier than anything else right now.

Jiyong also had to think about Hanbin – how would he react to all of this? He hoped for the best – Hanbin knew how shitty it was to come out to your family, but would he accept his own father being gay as well? He thought back to how much he had hurt Hanbin when he first came out – he still felt terrible about it, but Hanbin had seemingly forgiven for it and smiled so much brighter whenever he would hug his son or ruffle his hair. No – Hanbin wouldn’t react badly. It would be hard for him to have his parents separate, but he would probably understand him better than Chaerin.

He rolled onto his side, pulling the covers further up his body – the nervousness was still there and his stomach twisted whenever he thought too deeply about it, but the fact that his son wouldn’t cast him out made him calm down. The only thing that would be worse than Seunghyun denying him, would be Hanbin denying him. His own flesh and blood – his son. He wouldn’t know how to life with himself if his little boy would hate him for something he had no control over.

No, Hanbin knew that there was nothing one could do to change their sexual orientation and Jiyong deeply believed into his son. In some way they would have an even deeper bonding that they already had – they could talk about all the issues and struggles gay people faced and Jiyong could openly show him thtat he knew and understood all too well what Hanbin was going through. It made him smile a bit.

Jiyong couldn’t wait to start that part of his life.

 


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I know it's been a while, but I am slowly getting back into writing (this fic). I'm switching between updating Young Blood and La Douleur Exquise (my other on-going GTOP fic), while I also write some different fics (not published yet, I will wait to publish them until they are finished so they wait between the updates won't be just as long haha). 
> 
> Also, I'm kinda sad that the fandom is so small/dead right now. I know, a lot of things are going on right now so it's hard..anyways, I'm not leaving. Hope you guys like this chapter! Leave a comment if you did!

The flight back home was nerve-wrecking, to say the least. On the bright side, it was a non-stop flight – meaning he would arrive at Incheon in about 15 hours and would be home two hours later, thanks to rush hour and what not. Jiyong couldn’t help but plan out how he would start this whole conversation he was going to have with Chaerin – should he start right away, telling her there was something they needed to talk about? Should he make her sit down on the couch in the living room? Should he built up the conversation or just blurt it out?

With a faint smile on his lips he had to think back how Hanbin had told them. It wasn’t that long ago, but it felt as if a life time had passed since then. His son had taken a seat like he always did, but he had been quiet and nervous. Looking back Jiyong should have sensed that something was off, but he had brushed it off. Chaerin and he had just been talking about wanting to meet up with Youngbae and Hyorin a few days later, when Hanbin had just blurted it out like that.

Chaerin had reacted in a positive way back then, unlike he had. Jiyong still cringed at the memory – what would it feel like if Chaerin did the same? Just got up and left him alone? He could still kick himself in the ass for how he had reacted back then, he had hurt Hanbin and that was the last thing he had wanted. The only positive side-effect his bad reaction had was that he met Seunghyun for the first time – devilishly handsome, sweet Seunghyun.

Who he still hadn’t talked too.

As much as his heart told him to just call the other man and confess, his brain told him to wait. He needed to clear things up with Chaerin first, before he could even think about starting something with Seunghyun – that much he owed her. They had been friends for so long now, he couldn’t even remember a time when they hadn’t been close. It seemed like she had always been a part of his life and he wanted to do this right, no, he needed to. He needed to be sure that he wouldn’t lose his best friend once he confessed and he didn’t want to do that when he was fucking another man already.

He just hoped that he wouldn’t be too late to confess what he was feeling for Seunghyun when the time came around – that John buy was like a thorn in his side, a painful reminder that someone could just walk along and whisk Seunghyun away from him even before he could call him his own.

Whatever, he shouldn’t think about that now. The first thing he needed to do was talk to his wife and child – to come out. Jiyong had to chuckle humourlessly at that thought. How often did it happen that a forty-something year old man, who had been married for years and marked as a playboy during his adolescence came out as gay? Now that he thought about it, probably more often than he thought. South Korea definitely still wasn’t the best place to come out as gay – he wasn’t blind to the hate queer people received in his home country – but it was so much better than thirty years ago.

The flight attendances signalled the rest of the staff that the flight was about to take off and Jiyong leaned back in his seat, trying to calm his nervous stomach down. He closed his eyes and finally was on his way home.

 

 

 

The flight had dragged on for so long, Jiyong had felt as if he was going insane – he had always hated long distance flights, but this one was so much worse than all of them combined. His hands were cold and sweaty and a light tremble never left. When they finally touched the ground again Jiyong felt he was sitting on hot coals – if the staff wouldn’t have glared at him like that he would have jumped right out of the window of the plane and it got even more unbearable when he took the train back home.

The excitement he had felt seemingly evaporated once he stood in front of the entrance of their house, though. A sudden wave of panic washed through him and his knees felt weak. What if they hated him? What if they both would just kick him out and never speak to him? What would he do then? Jiyong quickly shook his head – No. Neither Chaerin nor Hanbin would react like that – Chaerin and he had talked about Hanbin coming out to them so many times by now, about all the injustice queer people face and what they could do to support him and Bobby better; there was no way she would hate him for being something he had no control over.

And Hanbin? Well, Hanbin knew all too well how nerve-wrecking it was to come out to your family. He would understand for sure.

Jiyong didn’t know how long he stood in front of the entrance door gathering all his strength for what was about to come, but he finally stepped through the door frame, dragging his suitcase with him and closed it again.

“I am home!”, he toed off his shoes right at the entrance, but no reply – was no one home? No, that couldn’t be it. It was Tuesday evening and Chaerin always made sure to be home when Jiyong returned from a business trip much like he always did when she was away. It was tradition and she certainly wouldn’t break it.

“Hello? Anyone home?”

He finally heard some rustling and faint footsteps approaching him and he could hear from the way the person dragged his feet that it was Hanbin and he had to smile immediately – he had missed his little boy so much, too while he was away and he couldn’t wait to show him all the presents he has bought for him and Bobby and –

Jiyong stopped in his tracks as he saw Hanbin – bloodshot eyes, hair a mess, and tear tracks on his cheeks. It felt like a punch in the stomach and Jiyong was by his son’s side within a second, hugging him tight and brushing away the falling tears.

“Hanbinnie, what’s wrong? Why are you crying did something happen?”

“Did you not check your phone on your way home?”

Shit, what had he missed? “It’s still in airplane mode, I think – I haven’t checked. Binnie, what’s wrong? Where is your mom?”

Hanbin started to cry again.

“There was an accident.”

He hick-upped.

“She’s at the hospital.”

 

 

 

The drive to the hospital felt like a blur – as if he was in trance. One second he was still holding Hanbin in his arms, the next they were walking into the building – Jiyong holding Hanbin’s hand tightly; he hadn’t stopped crying ever since he told his father what had happened, but Jiyong somehow managed to stay put – he needed to, breaking down wouldn’t make the situation better. That didn’t mean that his heart wasn’t pounding like crazy or that he felt like having a breakdown as well.

Clinical white light and the smell of narcotics greeted them as they made their way to the critical care unit and Jiyong’s heart was in his throat as they finally reached their destination. Harin’s room – with Chaerin glued to the side of her bed and crying her heart out as she was praying that her sister would wake up. It was as if someone took a hammer and smashed his heart into a million pieces – he had always been a soft-hearted person and seeing Chaerin cry had always hurt like hell, but nothing prepared him for the gut-deep sobs and cries. Her eyes were bloodshot, much like Hanbin’s, and her makeup was a total mess. Her nose was just as red as her eyes and as she finally looked up and saw her husband something broke in her, Jiyong could tell. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out and she started to cry again.

Jiyong never let go of Hanbin as he walked up to his wife and held her tight, pulling both of them against his chest. It hurt so much to see his family this broken and it hurt even more when he finally dared to look at Harin – Chaerin’s little sister. She was only a couple of years younger than Chaerin was and when they all first met all those years ago she had always wanted to hang out with the three of them – Chaerin, Jiyong and Youngbae, but they had been at that age where they didn’t like to play with the younger siblings. It all changed once they grew up and Jiyong started to see her more and more as his own little sister. They all had so many memories together and the thought of losing her for good scared him shitless. He didn’t even dare to think about what Chaerin must be going through right now – their father had died when they were little and their mother had passed away ten years ago. Harin was the only relative she still had that wasn’t Jiyong’s family or their own.

Time passed, but they continued to hold onto each other – at least until one of the nurses came into the room and told them that the visiting hours were over and that they needed to leave. Chaerin couldn’t break away from her sister and Jiyong had to drag her away in the end and more or less carry her to their car. Hanbin had been silent on the whole ride home, passively staring out of the window.

When they reached home, Bobby was sitting at their doorstep looking equally as wrecked as Hanbin did, but still – it was sweet of Bobby to come over and be there for his boyfriend and he couldn’t help but smile a bit. Hanbin had found one of the good ones that was for sure.

Jiyong spend the rest of the night holding Chaerin, rubbing her back and kissing her forehead – he didn’t know how else he should handle this situation, how to comfort her. He faintly remembered how things had been when Chaerin’s mother had passed away – things had been different then. Chaerin and her mother never were close; it was always Chaerin and Harin even when they had difficulties during their teenager years – Chaerin would always back her up, be there for her and threaten everyone that dared to harm her little sister. It was as if Harin was her firstborn.

His mind started to wander – how would he react if something like that would happen to Hanbin? It sent an immediate wave of sheer panic, nausea and deep sadness through him. He couldn’t even think about such a scenario.

Chaerin fell asleep within minutes – she was completely exhausted and Jiyong carefully tucked her in and wiped off her remaining make-up. He had way too much practice in that – whenever they got drunk, Chaerin was the first one to fall asleep at random places and years ago she had told him that he should please wipe it off otherwise her skin would break out the next day.

When he was finally done, he checked in on Hanbin and Bobby – he knew that he shouldn’t disturb them, because they could be up to god knows what, but as he didn’t hear anything from his room he knocked carefully and stepped inside. The two boys were cuddled up in bed with Hanbin sleeping peacefully on Bobby’s chest who continuously brushed through his hair.

“Sorry, I couldn’t get up when you knocked.” Bobby sheepishly looked over to Jiyong as he pointed at his sleeping boyfriend and Jiyong had to smile.

“Don’t worry it’s okay.”, he kneeled down next to the bed and brushed over Hanbin’s cheek. “How is he holding on? I have to say I have never seen him like this.”

“He’s hurting, but he is also strong. This mess is terrible, but I am sure he will make it. He has been so strong all the time – whenever I feel troubled, because of my mother he is there for me and I will do anything I can to be there for him now.”

Jiyong looked at his son’s boyfriend for a moment, before he patted his head and stood up again with a warm smile on his lips. “You’re a good guy and I’m happy that Hanbin has a boyfriend like you. I don’t know what’s going on with your mother, but I hope it will pass soon – I bet your parents are proud of you.”

Bobby’s smile suddenly vanished and he looked as sad as Jiyong felt. “Well, my mother doesn’t know I’m gay and she would kick me out once she knew and disown me. I can’t say anything about my father – he left when I was little without an explanation.”, he looked up with tears in his eyes. “But hearing something like that from you – I can’t even put it in words how much that means to me, thank you, Sir.”

Jiyong’s hear painfully tugged – Bobby was such a sweet kid, how could someone just leave him like that? He walked back over to him and stroke his hair, much like he always did with his own son whenever he had felt sad. “You don’t have to thank me, but I am glad that I can do at least that for you.” He looked back to the sleeping face of Hanbin and then back to Bobby. “You can call me Jiyong by the way, ‘Sir’ makes me feel even older than I already am.”

“Okay, I will. Thank you Jiyong.”

They both chuckled lightly.

“Good night, Kid.”

“Good night, Jiyong.”

He closed the bedroom door behind him and sighed deeply. The heaviness of the whole day was finally sinking in and he felt tired – his mind was blank, his head hurt and he just wanted to sleep for a week, but he needed to go to work in a few hours and his suitcase was still unpacked. Shit, he really had thought that his return home would play out differently, but with Harin in the hospital and Chaerin barely holding on, there was no way in hell that he could come out now. It was a shit situation, but if he did it now Chaerin would feel even more alone than she probably did right now and he just couldn’t do that to her. Not when she might lose her little sister – Jiyong quickly pushed that thought away and the tears that swelled up in his eyes again. No, Harin was going to be fine. She had to. There was no way that she wouldn’t wake up – she always had been a strong girl and had grown up into an even stronger woman, she was going to make it.

The silence in the apartment was defeating and Jiyong needed to do something, anything to keep him occupied now. He knew that even though he was jet legged and felt tired as hell, he wouldn’t be able to sleep right now. His mind was torn between being blank and having too many thoughts at the same time and if he didn’t do something he would bounce off the walls for sure.

With heavy feet he dragged himself to his suitcase that had been carelessly thrown to the side and picked it up – Chaerin was fast asleep in their bedroom and he didn’t want to disturb her, which was why he decided to unpack everything in the living room. Dirty clothes in one pile, fresh clothes another and a third for all the presents he had bought during his trip. His fingertips slowly moved over the thin, but soft fabric of the wine-red jumper he had bought for Seunghyun – he really missed him right now and he didn’t like that at all. His wife was going through a hard time and there was a possibility of him losing someone he thought of as a little sister and all Jiyong wanted right now was to be held by Seunghyun, cry his heart out and just have that tall, sweet man by his side who would make sure that he was alright.

Tears started to fall from his eyes, rolled down his cheeks and fell onto the jumper. Right now, he was the man in this household, the man that needed to be strong, that needed to be there for his wife and kid when times got hard – but who would look after him? Who would hold him and make him feel better, would take off his mind? He didn’t blame Chaerin – how could she? She was certainly suffering more than he was in this situation, but that didn’t mean Jiyong wasn’t hurting, too.

He sat back down on the couch, leaving the piles on the foot of it and fished out his phone. It was still switched to airplane mode. A few clicks and the notifications started to go crazy – missed calls and texts from Chaerin and Hanbin, sent hours ago and it made Jiyong’s stomach twist.

There were also a few messages from SooJoo, asking him if he already talked to Chaerin or not – he ignored them. He would answer her when he didn’t feel like jumping out of the next window thanks to all that stress that had happened the last thirty-six hours.

He looked through his notifications and had to smile through his tears when he realised Seunghyun had messaged him.

 

Seunghyun [16:34]  
  
Hey Jiyong, you are probably on your way back home right   
now and most likely won’t see this message until later today,  
but I just wanted to apologize. You called me back when I was  
drunk out of my mind and I wanted to say, yes of course, we   
are still friends – at least if you still want to? I don’t remember  
what I said when I was drunk, just that John took away my phone  
and was angry with me when I woke up with a terrible hangover.

Anyways, I hope you arrive safely at home.   
Wanna grab lunch sometime this week?

Tears were still falling when he dialled his number – it was late, far too late, and Jiyong knew that he shouldn’t bother Seunghyun right now, but he needed him right now. He needed to hear his voice and talk to him so badly it was the only thing that kept him sane right now. Jiyong knew that that was probably selfish – hell, Seunghyun probably had to be in court the next day, but he really needed someone to talk to right now and Seunghyun was the only person he wanted to be close to right now.

After the second ‘beep’ Seunghyun picked up the phone.

“Hello?”, his voice was deep and thick with sleep and Jiyong wanted to kiss him.

“Hello Seunghyun.”

“Jiyong, is everything okay? You sound like you’re crying did something happen?”, the older man sounded wide awake now, no trace of sleep in his voice, but panic and Jiyong felt like he was going to laugh – if something happened? If he was okay? Nothing was okay and he couldn’t even open his mouth properly before he started to sob – deep gut-wrecking sobs.

“Seunghyun-“, he was breathing shallowly and fast, trying to calm down, but it didn’t work, “-I’m sorry, I know it’s late, but I just – I need someone to talk to.” His voice was thin and shaky and he knew he must have sounded like he was having a panic attack or something, but Seunghyun didn’t seem irritated – instead, he tried to calm him down, spoke to him carefully.

“What happened? Do you want to meet up? You really don’t sound so good right now and I’m worried.”

“You have work tomorrow, you need to sleep and –“

“Jiyong, I am already awake and knowing you are having a hard time won’t let me sleep anyways. I wouldn’t be offering this if I wouldn’t want to and right now I just want to make sure that you are okay.”

Jiyong swallowed thickly, brushing away some of the tears.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, let’s meet up.”

“Do you want me to pick you up? You don’t sound like you should be driving right now.”, Jiyong had to smile at the concern in Seunghyun’s voice and his chest suddenly felt warm. This was what he needed right now and Seunghyun was being his wonderful sweet self without him having to ask for it.

“No, it’s okay. I will take a cab – should we meet at the place where we usually eat lunch?”

“Sounds good to me, see you in twenty minutes?”

“Okay, see you.”

 

 

Thirty minutes later, Jiyong finally arrived and stepped out of the cab. Wind was blowing harshly in his face, but it was welcomed – he knew his cheeks were red and that his eyes were swollen from all the crying, but he didn’t care right now, all he could think about was Seunghyun.

Seunghyun who was already sitting on the bench in front of the restaurant where they usually ate – wrapped up in a thick coat and scarf. He looked tired, but his face lit up when Jiyong showed up next to him.

“Hey there.”, Seunghyun immediately reached for a pack of smokes and offered one to Jiyong, who gladly took one – inhaling the nicotine calmed his nerves, but having Seunghyun next to him was a whole new level of relaxation. He felt all his worries and fears melt away by just looking at the other man. Jiyong was still standing, while Seunghyun was looking up at him and Jiyong had to bite his lips at how cute Seunghyun looked right now – almost like a puppy.

“So, you want to tell me what’s going on?”

“My sister-in-law had an accident.”, he exhaled the smoke, dragging his feet across the ground, “-and I’m being honest it’s not looking good.” Jiyong could feel the panic and sadness rise again and the hand that was holding onto the cigarette was starting to tremble again. “Harin, Chaerin’s little sister, is like a sister for me, too. We all grew up together more or less and – and Chaerin, I have never seen her like that. Hanbin isn’t doing good either, but he has Bobby who is there for him, and I need to be there for Chaerin, I know that, but it’s just-“, he had to stop talking. Tears spilled again and he started to cry so hard he couldn’t form a sentence.

He tried to speak up again, to tell Seunghyun that he really needed someone to hold him right now and be there for him, when he got pulled into a tight hug. His cigarette fell to the ground and he went limp in his embrace. Strong arms wrapped around his body and his face rested against the broad chest and Jiyong couldn’t hold back anymore. He held onto Seunghyun, his hands tugging at the material of Seunghyun’s shirt and he let go. He cried and cried and cried and Seunghyun continued to hold him, stroke his hair, his back, and muttered soothing nothing’s in his ear. Or at least Jiyong wasn’t paying close attention to what Seunghyun was saying exactly, all that mattered was that he was being held by the man he had fallen so deeply in love with. His intoxicating smell didn’t help either and soon Jiyong started to nuzzle his face against Seunghyun’s chest and neck and let his hands slip under the other man’s coat. His cold hands rested on his back and he felt a shiver run through Seunghyun’s body, but the other man didn’t say anything, just continued to hold him.

After a while, Jiyong finally calmed down enough to the point that his sobs had stopped and his tears had dried, but he just couldn’t let go of Seunghyun just yet, he needed a little bit more time. He was getting lost in his arms, his scent, his everything and Jiyong couldn’t remember when the last time was that an embrace felt this good. It was like coming home after a long day at work, only to find out that the love of your life had already prepared dinner for you and was waiting for you with warm hugs and kisses. It felt like a warm summer day when you are lying underneath a tree with your favourite book in your hand. It felt like cuddling up in front of a fire place in the middle of winter with thick blankets and hot chocolate.

“The sun is rising..”, Seunghyun’s voice was low, a mere whisper and Jiyong could feel his lips moving against the shell of his ear. He was getting sleepy and he was close to nodding off.

“Mhm..”

“We should get you home.”

“Mhm..”

Jiyong felt Seunghyun move – arms still around his body as he shuffled him towards his car and sat him down in the driver seat. A whine escaped him when the comfortable warmth that was Seunghyun’s body left him and he heard him chuckle. “I can’t drive the car if you hold onto me like a koala, Jiyong and you really should get some sleep.”

He knew he was right and he hated it – but as Seunghyun carefully fastened his seatbelt he had to smile again. The other man’s face was so close he could count the long eye-lashes if he wasn’t so damn tired. His eyes grew heavy as Seunghyun started the motor of his car and drove off.

It felt like seconds had passed as Jiyong was being woken up by Seunghyun carefully shaking his shoulder – his head was still heavy and he was so sleepy he nuzzled his face against Seunghyun’s, sighing happily as he heard the other man chuckle. “Come on, sleepy head. You need to get home.”

“Don’t wanna..”

“Believe me, you do. You need to sleep. It’s like five in the morning and if I remember correctly you said you need to get up at seven so that leaves less than two hours of sleep for you.”

“I would already be asleep if your rude ass didn’t wake me..”

“Jiyong, you can’t sleep in my car.”

Seunghyun chuckled again when Jiyong made annoyed whining noises like a little kid and dragged himself out of the car – his hair was a mess and he had lines on his face from sleeping on the hoodie of his jacket. His eyes were bloodshot and all in all he felt terrible body wise – even his neck was stiff. He yawned soundly and stretched – the bones in his shoulders and back moved against one another, popped loudly and Jiyong swore this felt better than anything else in that moment.

“I assume I won’t see you later today at lunch?”

“Probably not, I will be taking a nap in my office most likely, sorry.”

“No worries, after the night you have that is more than just understandable.”

Jiyong smiled at Seunghyun again and Seunghyun smiled back. It was the first time that Jiyong detected some kind of sadness in his smile. He sighed, how badly did he wish to just confess to the other man and hopefully make that sadness go away, but he just couldn’t. Not yet. If he confessed now it would only add so much more stress to his current situation – especially since he didn’t even know if Seunghyun liked him back or not and there was still that stupid John. Were they still seeing each other? Were they dating? Was Seunghyun in love with him?

He slightly shook his head, a sad smile forming on his lips as well. There was just too much going on right now and he didn’t have the strength to open that can of worms right now. He needed to focus on the small, happy things in life right now until things finally calmed down again and one of those happy things was Seunghyun being there for him when he needed him to be, even though there was still this remaining awkwardness between them from their drunken phone calls.

They both simply pretended it didn’t happen and right now that was the best solution for it. Jiyong’s head started to hurt from all this – why couldn’t life be simple? Why couldn’t he just be with Seunghyun and everything would fall into place? Maybe it would fall into place eventually, though? That was at least what he was hoping for – he was hoping that Harin would wake up and that Chaerin would find someone to be happy with. He hoped that his wife and son would accept him the way he was without abandoning him and he hoped that Seunghyun would be his someday.

God, how much he wanted the other man to be his boyfriend.

“I will write you once my sleeping schedule isn’t completely fucked so we can meet-up again. Is that okay?”

“Okay. Please look after yourself and if you ever feel like talking again, just call me and I will be there.”

“Only if you promise me the same thing. I feel bad about just dumping all my problems on you like that, I want you to be able to just unwind when you’re with me, too. If there is ever something that is bothering you, tell me – okay?”

Seunghyun looked like he was about to say something, but he simply nodded and took a step back towards his car.

“I really should get going. I have a court meeting at nine and Dara will chop me into pieces if I fuck up this case.”, he smiled tiredly at Jiyong. “Good night, Jiyong.”

“Good night, Seunghyun.”

Jiyong watched as the older man got into his car, fastened his seatbelt and looked at him one last time before driving off. It shouldn’t feel this bad, but it was as if all the warmth he had felt was slowly leaving him again. He slowly walked back into the building and pressed the button in the elevator to get to his level, when his eyes landed on his reflection in the mirror. He looked like death personified, but what caught his attention was the thick scarf around his neck. When had Seunghyun given it to him? While he was asleep in the car? Heat immediately rushed to his face and he couldn’t help but smile dumbly at that cute gesture of the other man.

Maybe Seunghyun really did like him, too. Maybe there really was hope for the two of them. Maybe, someday, he really could build a future with the other man like he secretly dreamed of. It wasn’t that his family didn’t feel like home or something – that was not the point. He loved his family and was so grateful for the opportunity of being a father and a husband to such wonderful people. But he really wanted – no – needed to live this other side of him, the one that had been buried for decades now, freely and truly, fully love someone and he would be patient and push through whatever bad thing that was thrown at him, if that meant that someday it could become reality.

Or maybe, his brain was just totally exhausted and all the thoughts that he was having right now were just wishful thinking of his sleep deprived brain. He carefully hang up his coat and scarf, toed of his shoes and changed into something more comfortable and slipped into bed next to Chaerin, who was still fast asleep. He looked at the clock next to his bed and shuddered as he saw the time – it was already 5.37 am. Less than one and a half hours of sleep and he needed to report to Hyungsuk first thing in the morning about his business trip to New York City.

God, he was so screwed. No amount of coffee could possibly make him survive this day. At least he had been thoughtful during his stay in New York and finished all the paper work and presentations he needed and even memorized all the important bullet points.

Whatever, if he survived today he could survive everything.

He cuddled himself deeper into bed and pulled the blanket tightly around his shoulders as he closed his eyes. Not even five seconds later he was fast asleep, with a faint smile on his lips.

 


	6. six

The next few days were hell all over. Jiyong constantly was either at work, at the hospital – making sure that Chaerin was alright and if she needed anything, or at home whenever Bobby wasn’t around to be there for Hanbin, though the other boy more often than not slept over. The only instances when he wasn’t allowed to was when his mother was getting suspicious and he needed to come home right away – he tried not to think too much about that. As much as he wanted to help Bobby as well, Jiyong had enough on his plate already, and since the kid was still a minor there really wasn’t anything he could do. The only thing he could do was welcome Bobby in his home with open arms and try to cheer him up as well like he already did with Chaerin and Hanbin, but that certainly didn’t help him relax or unwind.

The more time passed, the more he missed Seunghyun. Even though they started to meet up regularly for lunch breaks again, Jiyong felt himself craving more than just that. Their little dates were back to being strictly platonic and that wasn’t what he wanted – not at all, but that was another one of those instances where he couldn’t do anything but wait for it to pass and work towards the things he wanted to achieve.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t the only thing he could do – he could still make Seunghyun smile at him as if he was the creator of all happiness in this world and these small moments were enough to make him move forward for now. One of these moments had been when they met up two days after their little hugging session in the middle of the night – Jiyong had finally had the time to organize all the presents he had gotten for his family and for Seunghyun.

Obviously his family was the first to get their presents – it was right after he came home from his first day of work. He was tired to the bone, barely awake, but as he saw Hanbin, Chaerin and Bobby sitting at the dinner table with no one saying a word or looking at each other he knew he had to act. It wasn’t much, but Bobby had helped a lot. The kid was hyper and happy by nature so when he got the matching shirts for him and Hanbin, his son couldn’t help but break out into a huge smile that even reached his eyes and he started to laugh at his goofy boyfriend that had started to jump around the living room with his new shirt and pulled Hanbin out of his chair to take lots and lots of selfies with him in their shirts. It was like balm for the soul when he looked over to Chaerin and saw her smile as well – there was still sadness in her eyes, but the smile was warm and honest and that was at least something for the moment. When he walked over and presented the long Chanel coat to her she simply stared at it for a while, gaping at it with her eyes darting between him and the coat, before he carefully lifted it and hugged it tightly to her chest and kissed Jiyong on the lips. 

He tried to be as loving as he could while kissing her, but it was hard when the only person he wanted to kiss was Seunghyun and when he didn’t feel like that about his wife anymore. But he still tried. She needed this right now and if one simply kiss could help her out of her depressed state he would do it.

It was completely different when he gave Seunghyun his presents, though. While he knew that the presents he had picked for his family would be a success he had no idea if Seunghyun would like his. Maybe the jumper he had picked was nothing Seunghyun would ever wear and the cufflinks were tacky in Seunghyun’s opinion? Maybe the tie was actually hideous and Jiyong’s taste was simply terrible and what about the Chewbacca slippers? Would he think it’s funny? Would he like it? All these questions ran through his head as he handed Seunghyun the paper bag filled with presents for him – his heart was going crazy and he nervously played with the ring on his finger.

But it all melted away when he saw the huge smile on Seunghyun’s face and the happiness sparkling in his eyes as he touched the soft fabric the jumper was made out of, or when he marvelled at the gravure on the cufflinks and the immediately changed the tie he was wearing to the tie Jiyong got for him. Jiyong tried to hide his wide smile behind the back of his hand, but failed miserably when Seunghyun unpacked the last present and made a sound of joy so loud all the other people in the bistro glared at them – but he didn’t care. Not when Seunghyun was cackling at the Chewbacca shoes. Moments like that stole his breath away and made him feel like he could conquer the world if he only tried to.

Seunghyun gave him the strength he was lacking, the strength he needed and it was so unlike any other relationship he ever had – platonic or romantic, it didn’t matter. They weren’t dating, not yet – at least that was what Jiyong was still hoping for would eventually happen, but Seunghyun just had this ability to cast away all his fears and helped him see the world in a different light and he sincerely hoped that he had the same effect on Seunghyun. The other man was always sweet and nice to him, but Jiyong sensed that he was holding back – what exactly he couldn’t say just yet, but there was something underneath the surface that would eventually come up and Jiyong was equally thrilled as he was terrified of what that could be. The more time passed the more he thought that the thing that Seunghyun was holding back was his affection for him – Jiyong wasn’t blind he saw the way Seunghyun was sometimes looking at him when he thought he wasn’t aware of it, or felt his lingering touch at the small of his back whenever he held the door open for Jiyong. He also noticed his behaviour – while he wasn’t actively and openly flirting with him, Seunghyun still treated him differently than his other friends, something he realized quickly when he met Daesung – who happened to be a co-worker of Seunghyun and one of his life-long friends by now.

Seunghyun was sarcastic and teasing by nature, that much he knew already and he couldn’t help but laugh as he teased his friend and annoyed him as a punishment for tagging along – something that made him all warm and giggly, too, but back to the main thing; Seunghyun mostly acted like a typical guy having fun annoying his younger friends. He might be past forty by now, but that didn’t stop him from slapping the back of Daesung’s head playfully or teasing their new intern Seungri relentlessly. It was all in good spirits, though, and it was never evil and his friends and colleges knew, but he never really did that with Jiyong. When it came to him, he quickly saw how soft and sweet he was. He would still tease him – obviously, that was just Seunghyun’s nature – but there was something painfully endearing about the way he did it to Jiyong; or maybe Jiyong was just so head over heels in love with him that he thought he would see the difference between the way Seunghyun treated him and how he would treat the rest of his friends.

It was confusing, but he didn’t mind. What he did mind, though, was Seunghyun seemingly had a harder time opening up than Jiyong had. For Jiyong, opening up to him was easy – he had helped him through two dilemmas already and continued to support him, but Seunghyun? Jiyong sometimes had the feeling that he was using the other man and he hated it – he wanted to be there for him, too. To be able to cheer him up and give advice when needed, he wanted to be the one that knew him best – but maybe it wasn’t the time for that just yet. After all, Jiyong hadn’t been completely honest with Seunghyun, too and Seunghyun seemed to be one of those people that could sense that.

In the end, he tried not to think about it too hard – damn, there were a lot of things he didn’t want to think too hard about these days and that was everything but relaxing. He needed some fun, something he would enjoy – maybe he and Chaerin both. It was been two weeks since the accident and while Harin’s condition got better and better, she still wasn’t awake and that was unsettling.  
Jiyong typed away on his laptop when he suddenly had an idea what could cheer his wife up – there was the annual film festival and while that wasn’t something she would be necessarily interested in, the festival also offered various other branches as well and they always offered different types of food, music and if he remembered correctly they was also a ballet play and if there was something Chaerin loved it was ballet. When she was a little kid she had even dreamed about it becoming her profession, but over the years she had also developed a thing for marketing so that was the end of her childhood dream – didn’t mean she didn’t enjoy it anymore. Jiyong had lost count of how many times she had dragged him to see different plays and while Jiyong was a man of culture, he just couldn’t quite get into it – he loved the costumes and outfits and was always impressed by the stage set, but that was it.

One phone call later and he had managed to get tickets and a few days later the both of them found themselves walking through the busy streets of Seoul on their way to see the play. Chaerin was in good spirits today – her sister was slowly starting to react to the treatments she was receiving and while she hadn’t woke up yet, it was a sign of improvement. She was also wearing the new Chanel coat Jiyong had gotten for her and did her hair up in an extravagant hairstyle and used her favourite makeup to complete the look. Jiyong had made sure to shower her in compliments – while she was anything but insecure about her appearance, hearing you looked good always was a nice thing.  
Too bad that Chaerin didn’t return any of the compliments – Jiyong tried to ignore the faint sting he felt, but he knew he shouldn’t make a big deal out of it. Men didn’t get compliments for their outfits and if they put effort into looking good – that was something for women, which he did support. 

Women still had it so much harder than men in Korea and if he could at least make his wife’s day a bit better by giving her compliments, he would do it.

It still ruffled his feathers.

Whatever, he would simply wear a nice suite and cologne tomorrow when meeting up for lunch with Seunghyun and do his hair up all nicely and the other man certainly would compliment him. Hopefully – well, at least Seunghyun always did on random occasions when Jiyong wasn’t even trying to look good. For example just last week when he had stumbled out of a three hours meeting and was practically starving to the point where he just shoved a whole dumpling into his mouth – smearing sauce everywhere, Seunghyun had still to compliment him on how good it was to see him smile again and even asked him if he had put on a facemask or something because his skin looked super soft and healthy. (He didn’t want to admit it, but he had indeed taken one of Chaerin’s face masks and dear god these things worked wonders.)

“Okay, we have twenty more minutes until the play starts – I’ll go to the washroom real quick, you need anything?

“No, I’m good. I’ll wait here, okay?”  
Jiyong nodded and made his way to the washrooms – he had no idea how he was going to survive two and a half hours of this, but he really needed to stay awake. He hadn’t slept much the night before and he felt the lack of sleep kicking in – he splashed some water on his face and forced himself to wake up a little bit and it helped. At least for a few minutes.

He made his way back to where he had left Chaerin and when he finally reached her he saw someone standing next to her – he didn’t recognize the man at all. Maybe a colleague? 

“Oh, you’re back!”, Chaerin smiled brightly at him as she pulled him in next to her and linked their arms together, “See who I just ran into! This is John Lee, he used to work with me a few years ago for some time and is a total sweetheart. John – this is my husband Jiyong!”

Jiyong felt something snap inside of him – John? He knew he shouldn’t feel petty, but he couldn’t help himself. It was probably ridiculous that he didn’t like the man simply because he shared the same first name as the man Seunghyun was seeing, but his mood decreased rapidly and he only managed a cool smile. “Pleasure to meet you.”

He couldn’t help but throw dirty looks at him as John continued to talk to Chaerin. There was no way this John could be Seunghyun’s John – right? He tried to remember the voice from the phone call, but he couldn’t recall it at all and it was driving him nuts. What if this guy really was the John Seunghyun was seeing? Jiyong felt a sudden wave of rage roll through his body – wonderful, now he had a face to imagine whenever Seunghyun would mention John.

“- actually I am waiting for my date. He stepped out for a second for a cigarette and organized some drinks for us – he should be back soon.”

“Oh, you have a boyfriend? Why didn’t you tell me! What’s his name? I bet he his handsome, you always have such sweet guys!”

Jiyong started to feel uneasy. So this John was gay, too? And was here with his date? This was getting ridiculous to the point that Jiyong felt like crying. What if his date was Seunghyun? What if he was here with him? He didn’t know how he would react if he would have to see the two of them together, he didn’t even want to think about it – it already hurt his stomach.

“Oh, here he is!”

“Jiyong? Is that you?”

Shit.

The other man walked up to the three of them with two glasses of wine and a big smile on his lips, but Jiyong couldn’t really return the smile as much as he was happy to see Seunghyun, he really did not want to see him with his date. The room suddenly felt too full and his knees felt weak – what was this? Was the universe testing his patience?

“Hey, Hyung. It’s good to see you.”, he forced a smile on his lips.

“You guys know each other?”

He saw John looking at him and panic flooded his senses. Seunghyun might not remember the phone calls they had that clearly, but if he remembered it correctly John had been there when Seunghyun had called him back and started to talk about how good and cute he sounded while moaning out his name. What if he connected the dots and realized that the ‘Jiyongie’ Seunghyun had talked about that night was him?

“Yeah, we are friends. Remember when I went to the art gallery a few months ago and stayed a bit longer? Seunghyun was with me that day.”

“Oh, now I remember! Jiyong has mentioned you a few times, I’m sorry – my memory is a bit selective nowadays with all the stress that’s going on. It’s a pleasure to meet you!”, Chaerin was smiling sweetly at him and then at John. “-I see, you still got good taste. He’s so handsome!”

Jiyong had to bite his lip to stop himself from blurting out ‘he is indeed’. Instead, he tried to maintain his façade, but he knew he was failing, because one look from Seunghyun in his direction and he knew the other man could see right through him. He didn’t say anything though, which Jiyong was grateful for.

After a while they made their way over to their seats – they were even sitting next to each other and now Jiyong was one hundred percent sure that the universe was testing him, because he and Seunghyun ended up next to each other in the middle while John and Chaerin sat both at the other sides of them. Soon the play started and the room dimmed to the point you barely could see your own hand – the only thing that was illuminated was the stage. His heart was still beating way too fast and he just couldn’t calm down – this whole evening was just comical. Here he was sitting with his wife and the man he was in love with, who was here with his date.

Did that mean that Seunghyun and John were indeed serious? Did that mean that Jiyong already lost his chance with Seunghyun? He didn’t want to let that thought consume him, but he felt tears swelling up in his eyes, which he tried to blink away.

Chaerin thankfully didn’t seem to notice anything – she was way too engrossed in the play to notice anything besides that; you could probably set off a time bomb next to her and she wouldn’t look away from the stage.

Jiyong was ready to get up and excuse himself to the bathroom, when he felt a warm hand carefully stroking the back of his own and his eyes snapped over to Seunghyun, who was already staring at him with worry in his eyes. It feel wrong – oh so wrong, but Jiyong couldn’t stop himself but slowly intertwine their hands in the safety of the darkness. He averted his gaze though, staring at Seunghyun would be too obvious and he didn’t really see if John was looking at the stage or not. The older man seemed to have the same idea and started to watch the play in front of them – his hand never leaving Jiyong’s; he even continued to stroke draw circles and other patterns on his skin with his thumb and Jiyong immediately felt better.

John could suck it – there was no way Seunghyun was in love with him. No way – if he was he would be holding hands with him and not Jiyong; especially not like this. They weren’t just holding  
hands - Seunghyun continued to caress Jiyong’s skin with his fingertips,  
squeezed his hand affectionately and gently rubbed his thumb over his knuckles  
and Jiyong had a hard time controlling his facial muscles, because he wanted to  
smile so badly, but needed to suppress it. It would be more than just a little  
bit odd and suspicious if he of all people would smile like that during a  
ballet play. They only had to stop holding hands when the play was about to end and the lights got turned on again – Jiyong tried not to be too sad about it and instead concentrate on the fact that he just had held hands with Seunghyun for two hours. It was laughable, really. Since when did you get this excited about merely holding someone’s hand? Jiyong certainly couldn’t remember a time of his life where he ever felt this giddy about it.

But the giddiness quickly died down as they walked out of the building – it was already dark outside and the cool air tickled Jiyong’s face. He reached down his pants to fish out his cigarettes and offer one to Seunghyun, but as he turned towards him he saw John standing close to Seunghyun and his hand would brush against the small of his back every so often, while he talked to Chaerin about the play. He hated that he noticed such a small gesture, he hated that such a little tedious thing had such an impact on him, but he couldn’t help himself. Jiyong took a few steps back – Chaerin always hated when he smoked; for the past twenty-ish years, ever since she found out he smoked, she would voice her disapproval. After the first decade, you learn how to completely ignore criticism like that even if she only meant well.

He lightened the cigarette and inhaled the smoke – his back turned to John and Seunghyun; he didn’t want to see that. It would only kill the illusion of him having a chance with Seunghyun.

Smoke curled around him as he continued to take drags from his cigarette – he was trying so hard not to think about the other man and his date that he nearly jumped out of his skin as someone showed up next to him; it was Seunghyun – cigarette package in his hand.

“Got a lighter?”

Jiyong quickly patted down the sides of his pants and held up the lighter high enough so Seunghyun could lean forward into the flame and light his own cigarette. He knew he shouldn’t stare like that, but he couldn’t help himself – just like in the car a couple of days ago; Seunghyun’s face was so close and the way his lips wrapped around the cigarette really should not make him feel the way it did, or the way his eyelids slightly fluttered when he inhaled the first intake of nicotine.

“Thanks.”

“Never a problem.”

The small smile was back on his lips.

“I think your wife feels neglected, don’t you think?”, Seunghyun’s voice was playful and his eyes sparkled with joy as if he knew the world’s biggest secret, but wouldn’t tell you – under no circumstances.

“Well, if my wife does then so does your date.”, he took a harsh drag from the cigarette, “but from the way I see it they get along well so I don’t think it’s a problem. Don’t you like talking to me?”

This time Seunghyun was the one, who couldn’t stop smiling, but there was that sadness in his eyes again – it was better masked this time than the last, but Jiyong still could see it edged into the depths of his eyes. He bit his lip – he really wanted to openly talk to Seunghyun about everything. It felt like something was burning under his skin, trying to break through and out to the open, but it was still too early.

“I think I like it just a little bit too much to be honest.”

Jiyong felt like he couldn’t breathe – it was as if someone knocked the air out of his lungs. Had he heard just right? His heart was knocking against his ribcage and he felt head rush through his body.

“I promise, you’re not alone in this.”

He didn’t know how he had managed to find his voice and speak up, but the way Seunghyun looked at him once the words had left his mouth were worth more than all the gold and diamonds in the world combined and now he felt like he couldn’t breathe – oh, how badly did he want to grab Seunghyun by his stupid ears, drag him down and kiss him senseless. Why was life so unfair?

“Hey, you two! Ready to grab some drinks? John here told me that he knows some good places around here that isn’t completely invaded by teenagers where we could grab some drinks – wouldn’t that be nice?”

It was as if someone spilled a bucket full with cold water over his head – Jiyong broke out of the trace, stopped staring at Seunghyun and instead turned to his wife; his heart beating furiously for a complete different reason now. Shit – had she seen something?

“Sure, why not. I could use a drink.” Or ten. Jiyong didn’t dare to turn back to Seunghyun – if he did he would certainly give himself away. Thankfully it seemed like neither John nor Chaerin had paid much attention to them while they smoked and Jiyong finally took a deep breath after unconsciously holding his own breath.

“Okay, then let’s go!”, Chaerin grabbed his hand and pulled him along.

He could feel Seunghyun’s gaze burning into the back of his skull.

He forced a smile.

 

Fast forward two hours later and Jiyong did neither know where exactly in Seoul they were or how they got there or exactly how many drinks they had – all he knew was that tequila always made him happy and that right now he didn’t have a single worry in the world. They had run into some of John’s friends, which kept that guy mostly busy (which Jiyong thought was one of the best things that could have happen) and now the shots kept on coming with John buying round after round for them, Chaerin was somewhere on the dance floor with a bunch of the other women they had met and laughing her heart out and screaming whenever one of her favourite songs came on and Seunghyun? Well, Seunghyun wasn’t much of a dancer, which was why he mostly remained at their table nursing on his own drinks.

That might have been disappointing for some, but not for Jiyong – at least not in this case, because right now Jiyong was the perfect amount of drunk where he didn’t care how weird he looked while dancing, he just danced. Moving his hips to the beat, letting his hands roam his own body and a bright smile on his lips – he wasn’t in his twenties anymore, but that didn’t stop people from trying to hit on him. He always declined, pointing at his ring finger and ignored everyone – well, besides Seunghyun; who had been staring at him ever since he started to dance. If he looked closely, Jiyong could even see the way he bit his lip or licked his lips whenever he made a daring move and it turned him on more than he would like to admit.

Something that he didn’t like though was how John seemingly had started to stare at him as well. He didn’t like the man at all and it made his skin crawl whenever he would catch the man’s hungry gaze – but one look at Seunghyun and everything was forgotten again.

 

Time passed again and Jiyong felt like he needed a break – he looked over to his wife; Chaerin had taken a seat and was animatedly talking and laughing with two other people Jiyong didn’t recognize, but he didn’t care right now. Chaerin was having fun and after what she went through, she deserved it. His head snapped back to where Seunghyun had been sitting for the past hours and pouted when he saw the other man wasn’t there anymore – had he gone out for a smoke? John was sitting with some of his friends so it wasn’t as if they had left together.

Good.

He quickly downed the last of his drink which he had left on the counter a while ago and then made his way over to the bathroom, peed, washed his hands, looked for Seunghyun and went outside when he couldn’t find him. It was quite hard to walk completely straight by now, but he still felt secure enough in his steps to go up the stairs without having to hold onto the wall for better leverage. The night was even colder now that he stepped outside form the overheated club, but in his drunken state Jiyong didn’t care – all he cared about was finding Seunghyun right now and he started to look around. There wasn’t anyone standing around in front of the entrance of the club and as the bouncer ushered him away he understood why – they tried to keep the area in front of the club clean, which made sense somehow. He looked around again and was close to calling Seunghyun on the phone when he finally found him. The older man was smoking a cigarette in one of the side alleys – it was poorly illuminated by the streetlamps on the main road, but Jiyong would recognize this man everywhere.

It was only now that his drunken brain registered that the jumper Seunghyun was wearing the one was he had given to him as a present from New York City. He made a couple of steps forward, until he collapsed against Seunghyun’s broad chest, his nose buried deeply in the crook of his neck. Instantly he started to inhale his scent and it made his head spin again and he silently cursed at himself when he felt his dick twitch in his pants. Shit, he had it so bad for this man and it got only worse when said man grabbed his hips so hard he could feel the imprints of each finger on his skin. A high-pitched whine escaped his lips and he before he could get control over his own body, he was thrusting his hips forward – pushing the forming erection against Seunghyun’s leg again and again and it was only a matter of seconds before he was fully hard and aching.

All of a sudden he felt like a horny teenager again who just couldn’t stop growing hard at the very thought of having their crush close – shit, how long has it been since he was this hard, especially this fast?

“Seunghyun-“, he didn’t recognize his own voice, this was so unlike him he never sounded so whiny and needy when horny. Jiyong’s voice had always been on the thin, high side of the spectrum, but this? He felt the shudder that ran through Seunghyun’s body and smirked. “Seunghyun.”, his voice was breathy and more a moan than anything else and he felt drunk of the adrenaline rush that kicked in when he saw the pure desire in Seunghyun’s eyes – it made him ache so much more.

He looked closely at the other man and realized that he was holding back – he was standing completely still, biting the insides of his cheeks and had his eyes pressed close tightly now, but Jiyong didn’t want that. He wanted Seunghyun to look at him – to feel him and he thought he had finally won the other man over when he suddenly got pushed back until he hit the wall on the other side of the alley and Seunghyun stumbled backwards – back to the other wall.

He was panting heavily and Jiyong could see the painful erection tenting in the other man’s pants.

“Jiyong-“, his voice was low and fuck Jiyong wanted to jump him, “- you are married. You said yourself that this wasn’t going to be more than friendship and you are drunk. We can’t do this.”

Seunghyun held onto the wall behind him, trying the regain some of his sense, but Jiyong was having none of it. Within seconds he had his arms thrown around Seunghyun’s neck and his tongue in his mouth – it was messy and wild, but so incredibly hot Jiyong felt like he could cum in his pants then and there. He got pushed back again – Seunghyun grabbed his wrists tightly and bullied him back against the wall. His tongue pushing against Jiyong’s, his lips sucking at his and his hands digged almost painfully in his ass and Jiyong went to town against his thigh – fucking his hips forward, dragging their aching cocks against one another; the friction was maddening.

But just like before, Seunghyun suddenly pulled back again as if burnt. He had a wild look on his face – pupils blown wild and hair a mess – and before Jiyong could say anything Seunghyun ran off and left Jiyong alone in the alley with his erection throbbing painfully.

Jiyong was so drunk he didn’t give a single fuck anymore and just jacked off in the alley – there weren’t any people around and it was dark and when he came all his cum splattered against the dirty wall anyways – but his orgasm made him weak in the knees and he felt light-headed as he stumbled down the stairs back into the club again. His mind was still clouded and he realized all too late that someone had grabbed his wrist and pushed him against the wall, shoving their tongue down his throat.

His body went from pliant to rigid and as fast as he could in his state he pushed the person away, but the other person didn’t stop and as Jiyong’s eyes finally adjusted to the dimly lit area he saw that it was John.

Fucking, John.

That creep had been throwing looks at him all night long and he had sincerely hoped he would leave him alone, but as John continued to shove his tongue into his mouth and started to grope him through his clothes he got proven otherwise. Jiyong struggled again and as he still didn’t let go of him, he simply bit down as hard as he could and felt a twisted sense of victory when John screamed in pain and let go of him – he moved quickly; grabbing him at his shoulders and threw him backwards.

The metallic taste of blood was lingering in his mouth and Jiyong gagged in disgust – what the hell had this asshole been thinking? Suddenly Seunghyun and Chaerin were in front of him, asking him if he was alright, but all he could see right now was John a couple of feet away from them, holding his hand over his bleeding lip and he snapped.

“What the hell was that? Isn’t Seunghyun good enough for you, you creep?”

Jiyong was ready to throw fists right now, but Seunghyun was in front of him again and effectively blocking the view and Jiyong got quiet again – Chaerin was saying something and brushing off the blood from the side of his lip, but he wasn’t really paying attention to her. Everything happened so fast now – one second they were still inside the club, loud music blasting and the air thick with smoke – and the next the three of them were standing outside the club. His ears were still ringing when he finally came back to his senses.

He looked up and saw Chaerin standing close to Seunghyun, holding his hand and talking to him.

“I’m so sorry – you’re such a nice man, I don’t get why John would do that.”

Seunghyun absently nodded.

“Don’t worry, we weren’t really serious or a thing anyways-“

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting – I mean, I know Jiyong is quite a catch-“, she winked at her husband, “but John must be blind and stupid for trying to make moves on another guy when he could have you. I mean Jiyong here is such a sweet husband, we have been together for almost twenty years and he is still as much of a gentleman as he was back then – I am hundred percent sure you will find someone as well.”

Jiyong felt his stomach twist again and the alcohol was spinning in his system. This was too much – he could only train his eyes on the ground, desperately trying to stay calm and not freak out, but the nausea got worse from second to second and –

The next thing he knew was him emptying the insides of his stomach into the nearest trash can. It had been years since he last had thrown up after drinking alcohol and it was the first time it happened out in the open and not in the somewhat safety of a toilet stall and if the whole situation right now wasn’t shitty enough then it was now. His body felt weak and tired and switched constantly from feeling too hot to feeling too cold and he felt so embarrassed.

He was forty-five, damnit, not some nineteen year old that got plastered on their parents peach schnapps or something – he should know his limits and he really thought he had, but with the emotional stress it all went downhill. 

Strong arms wrapped around him as he was done with throwing up and he faintly heard his wife’s voice saying something to Seunghyun, but he couldn’t hear it anymore. His legs weren’t cooperating anymore and the last thing he thought was how nice it was to be in Seunghyun’s arms again –

Then everything turned black and he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weeeeh, next chapter done!
> 
> Not gonna lie, I'm trying to get this one done fast so I can like finally say I actually finished a multi-chaptered fic..let's hope I can stick to uploading at least once a week or sometimes even twice. It should be easier now that I more or less found a rythm and enjoy writing again.
> 
> Hope you liked this one!


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually kinda proud how fast I manage to update this fic! I think I finally found the perfect length for my chapters - it's easier to write 6k words, but with more chapters for me than write less chapters that are even longer (which is also why it takes like years for me to update LDE). Anyways, I hope you guys like this one - it's a bit emotional, but you will see what I mean when you read it. 
> 
> Please leave a comment and tell me what you thought!

Jiyong groaned. 

 

He hadn’t even opened his eyes just yet and his head was already throbbing and he had a bitter taste on his tongue. Jesus, how much did he had to drink the night before? All he could remember was going out with Chaerin to see the ballet play, running into Seunghyun and John and holding hands with Seunghyun - after that, everything got a bit hazy and after the third drink everything was black. 

 

His whole body hurt - his limbs were heavy, his head was still spinning a bit and his back was killing him, too. How did he survive drinking so much during his twenties? It was almost insane tho think back to those times when he used to drink every second day and was out partying with Chaerin and Harin and Youngbae and now he drank maybe once every other month a little bit too much and he would fall into coma more or less for the next three days. 

 

The sunlight was already falling through the curtains and tickled his nose - normally he loved the sun and the warmth, but right now he tried to hide under the blanket and glared daggers in the general direction of the sun. 

 

His foggy mind vaguely realized that there was movement in the flat already - he reached over to where Chaerin always slept and he frowned; she was already up? How long has he been sleeping already? 

 

Jiyong took his time when he rolled around, too afraid to move too fast and throw up - when he finally managed to turn around and linseed at the clock on his nightstand he needed a moment to focus on the numbers on the clock - 02:12 pm. 

 

He let himself fall back with a groan - it was so late already, but he felt like someone knocked him out with a bat and wronged him out or something. Had he really drank so much? HIs mind wandered back to the night before, but there was nothing he could remember after the third drink and he knew that it wasnt just three drinks he had because there was no way he was this hangover if he only had three drinks. 

 

Jiyong prayed to evrey single god he didnt make a fool of himself the night before, or started to hit on Seunghyun or something - that would be the worst scenario. 

  
  


It took him about another twenty-five minutes until he finally rolled out of bed and dragged himself into the kitchen; Chaerin looked over at him with a worried look on her face.

 

“Are you feeling better?“

 

Jiyong let himself fall into the chair closest to him and buried his face in his hands. 

 

“Not really, but I dont really remember much - please dont tell me I made a fool of myself, because everytime when I had a blackout when we were younger I did some stupid shit.“

 

Chaerin walked over to him and carefully combed through his hair, massaging his throbbing skull and Jiyong groaned pleasingly as he leaned in on the touch. 

 

“Well, you didn't do something stupid, but John kissed you and you bit him so hard he bled when he didnt stop and I think you had all the right to do that.“ 

 

Jiyong tensed up - he had done what? He carefully looked up at his wife, searching for anger, betrayal or anything else, but he couldn’t find anything but a warm smile on her lips and a bit of worry in her eyes. “You and Seunghyun went outside for a moment or two to smoke a cigarette and when you came back John just kinda randomly walked up to you, grabbed you and started to kiss you. Seunghyun was next to me that moment and we immediately tried to get him away from you, because you were too drunk to get him away from you and then you bit him and he let go.“

 

His stomach twisted. That guy had done that to him? He was suddenly glad he didn't remember much from the night before anymore. 

 

“You were pretty out of it afterwards - we went outside right away and in the end Seunghyun was the one who had to carry you to the cab and then up the bed, it was actually kinda cute because you were all pliant and clingy like you always get when you are drunk.“ Chaerin was laughing now, still looking at him, before she turned around and grabbed the food she had prepared for him. 

 

“Here, get some food into you and wake up, there is coffee, too. We can talk after you took a shower and brushed your teeth.“ She stroke his cheek and kissed his forehead. 

 

“I‘ll go buy some groceries for tomorrow now - Hanbin is out with friends and since it‘s Saturday I guess he will be out for a while so you can have some time for yourself now.. See you later, babe!“

  
  


“Wait,  tomorrow? Do we have something planned?“

  
  


“Oh, right. You were too drunk to remember, probably,, but I invited Seunghyun over for dinner tomorrow! I feel so bad for him - he went out with his date and John just went for another guy. He said it was fine, because he and John weren’t that serious anyways, but I still want him to have a nice evening with friends, plus he seems really nice! John tried to call me this morning, but I didn't pick up and I won’t. I can‘t stand it when people cheat especially not when it's such a nice guy like Seunghyun.“ 

 

Jiyong felt like a small part of his soul left his body and he felt all the blood drain from his face - he couldn’t explain it, but he had the sinking feeling that he did something stupid again last night. Something that could hurt Chaerin if she knew, but he couldn’t remember anything anymore. 

 

Memories of that damn phone call flashed up on his mind again and he felt sick - why did he always lose all senses when he drank? He started to push around the food on his plate, making a few bites as he hummed goodbye as Chaerin left. 

 

The door fell shut and he let his chopsticks clatter on the plate. 

 

He needed to know what happened. 

 

Five minutes later he finally had his cellphone in his hand and dialed Seunghyun‘s number, praying the other man would pick up and help him make some sense of all of this mess that was his foggy memory. 

 

“Hello, Jiyong.“ 

 

“Hey, Hyung - how are you?“

 

“I think I should be asking you how you’re feeling - I mean you threw up on the sidewalk and passed out. Are you okay? How bad is the hangover?“

 

“Wait, I did what?“

 

Seunghyun had the actual nerve to laugh. 

 

“So, Chaerin wasn’t lying when she said you tend to have blackouts when you drink a bit too much - I guess you don’t remember much from last night?“

 

“Ugh, not really, I remember the ballet-“, and holding Seunghyun‘s hand, “- I remember us smoking a cigarette-“, and wanting to kiss him so bad that moment, “- and I remember maybe the first three drinks, but after that? Completely blank.“

 

Seunghyun was quiet for a moment, before he answered. “Well, maybe it is for the better..“, there was some shuffling at the other side of the line and Jiyong suddenly felt the uneasiness again. 

 

“Seunghyun..“

 

“Hm?“

 

“Did we..did we do - something? I really don't remember and if something happened, please tell me - even if it is uncomfortable. I just want to know what exactly happened.“

 

“Well, there is something that happened, but I‘m not sure-“

 

“Seunghyun..“, his voice was warning. 

 

“Okay, okay - well, when we walked back inside, John suddenly grabbed you and started to kiss you. You tried to push him off, but you were too drunk and end up biting his lip until it bled. You were pretty out of it after that and I had to carry you to bed, but that was all that happened.“

 

Jiyong sighed in relief - he knew how he got when he was drunk and he didn’t trust himself at all when it came to Seunghyun, but thankfully nothing had happened and he felt like something that had lodged deeply inside of him, finally loosened up. 

 

“Huh, seems like we had a lot of fun?“, he chuckled lightly, trying to lift the mood a little bit. 

 

“Well, you drooled on me when I carried you - that doesn’t really sound like fun to me.“, Seunghyun tried to keep the amused tone out of his voice, but Jiyong still heard it. 

 

“Oh, fuck you.“, he was laughing now - feeling a lot better than just half an hour ago. 

 

“So that‘s how you thank your friend who carried you from the club to the cab and from the cab to your bed? I‘ll remember that, Kwon. If you are ever drunk like that I won‘t carry you to bet.“

 

“Oh, I am already shaking with fear! What would I do without you!“ - he tried to ignore the ‘maybe not cheat on your wife‘ at the back of his head, but it still left a bitter aftertaste. 

 

“Yeah, yeah - hey as much as I‘d to continue talking I have to go for a walk with my dog; Charlie is already looking at me as if he is ready to pee on the carpet and I really don‘t feel like scrubbing that old thing. See you tomorrow?“ 

 

“Yeah, yeah.“, he was still smiling, “See you tomorrow, Seunghyun!“ 

  
  
  


The next day came all too quickly - Jiyong spend the rest of the day nursing his hangover, curled up on the couch and got no sympathy from Chaerin by the time she started to prepare some of the food for the next day - banging around pots and pans and Jiyong ended up fleeing the scene and curling up in his bed with as many pain killers as he could find. Hanbin came home before dinner and wouldn’t stop talking about Bobby and what he and Bobby did that day and that June was there too and Bobby and June were totally awkward and that Jinan probably had a crush on June, but did not want to accept it and - 

 

As much as he loved his son, after the third sentence he couldn’t keep up anymore and simply smiled and nodded and hoped the pounding in his head would finally stop and that Hanbin wouldn’t notice that he wasn't paying attention anymore. 

 

He didn't.

 

But Chaerin did and smiled sadistically at him after dinner, telling him that he would be the one doing the dishes now and Jiyong didn't have the strength to put up a fight and simply did. 

 

The hangover was finally gone the next day, but he still felt tired. Hanbin would be out all day again, because he accompanied Bobby to one of his basketball matches and would come home late again - he still had school the next day, but Bobby promised it wouldn’t get later than ten thirty so it was alright. He even promised to drop him off to make sure he got home safe.

 

Chaerin didn't let Jiyong set one foot even near the entrance to the kitchen - she even threatened to throw crush his favourite vinyls he had started to collect years ago and that made him shut up. 

 

He didn't know how he should feel about the development of his wife befriending his crush - it made this whole situation so much more complicated on one hand, but a lot easier on the other hand, too. The thing that would make this all even harder was the fact that he had a giant crush on Seunghyun and he was scared that his wife might notice his change of behavior when Seunghyun was around and he wasn’t completely shit-faced. 

The more positive aspect of this was that once Chaerin really got to know his friends he could get away with spending more time with Seunghyun without her getting moody or angry - he shouldn’t overdo it though, because then things would get suspicious and he really didn't want to risk it. 

 

Besides, there wasn't really something between Seunghyun and him yet - at least not really. It was a weird thing in between and he knew he shouldn’t but he felt a rush of happiness spread through him when Chaerin had mentioned that he and John ‘weren’t that serious anyways‘. It meant that he still had a chance to win Seunghyun over in maybe a few weeks or months, once the situation with Harin finally calmed down and things relaxed a little bit. 

 

It was around four in the afternoon when he sat down on the balcony to smoke and think things through a bit - Chaerin was still in the kitchen, blasting music and singing along while she cooked dinner, which meant that Jiyong would have enough time for himself again.

 

He recalled the events of the past few months - it wasn’t really necessary, but it calmed his nerves a little bit. 

 

Seunghyun and him had met about five months ago for the first time didn't see each other for a couple of weeks and really started to grow close about four months ago - back then, Jiyong had explicitly told Seunghyun that he wouldn’t be able to offer more than friendship and Seunghyun had been okay with it and it had worked all well and good to the point where Jiyong realized that he fell for Seunghyun anyways, even if he wasn't really ready to admit it fully - which had been about two and a half months ago. During the following two months he had been more or less successfully ignored this stupid crush of his, but then that trip to New York happened a few weeks ago and fucked him over big time. 

 

As far as he knew, Seunghyun didn’t recall the events of the phone call (at all) - or he was gentleman enough to not mention it, because he knew how terribly embarrassed Jiyong had been afterwards. The thing that still bothered him was that John and Chaerin seemed to know each other and even if Chaerin said that she didn't pick up the phone there was still the off chance that John might say something to her - he just really hoped he did not. 

 

That left him to think about him and Seunghyun again - Jiyong was sure about his own feelings for the other man by now; his heart started racing, his tummy did flips and spread butterflies when he saw him and he never grew tired of talking with him or being close to him - but what about Seunghyun? Did Seunghyun really like him? If he was being as critical as he can (which would maybe help him in this situation a little bit) it was hard to tell; Seunghyun had flirted with him at the beginning of their friendship, but backed off as soon as Jiyong told him he wasn‘t available - and yet there was this something luring underneath. 

 

Jiyong all too vividly remembered the first phone call, when he heard Seunghyun‘s breath hitch at the other side of the line and how he didn’t simply hang up, but only waited until the very end to end the call. Or when Seunghyun called back and told him how cute he sounded moaning his name like that - that couldn’t be just platonic feelings, right? 

 

Or when Jiyong was having a meltdown after coming home and Seunghyun got up in the middle of the night to hold him, or how he continued to make compliments or how he held his hand during the ballet. All these things seemed so clear to him, but how did John fit in the picture? Had John been his way of occupying his mind while Jiyong was still with Chaerin? Maybe he really did like Jiyong and had just used John to get over him - Jiyong hoped it was like that in some twisted sense, and not because Seunghyun had fallen in love with John. Especially now that he talked to him, he thought it was almost weird how calm Seunghyun was - if it were Jiyong and his partner would have kissed someone else the night before, he would have certainly went berserker and wouldn’t sound so well put together so maybe,  _ maybe _ Seunghyun really did like  _ him _ and not that John idiot. 

 

If he really did then Jiyong sincerely hoped that Seunghyun would be able to just wait a little bit longer - that he would wait for him and that it wouldn’t hurt too much until he was free and could shower Seunghyun in all the love he carried in his heart. 

 

Until then, he would have to act and be strong and not give in. 

 

The doorbell rang and Jiyong flicked aside the cigarette butt. 

 

Time to put on a show again. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


When Seunghyun first walked into their apartment, Jiyong couldn’t help but feel a bit self-conscious - was is outfit okay? His hair? Should he have freshened up a bit? All the thoughts he usually had when seeing his friend hit him like a ton of bricks; but he tried to not let it show. Instead, he was polite as always, but tried to keep a little bit of distance between the two. He knew it irritated Seunghyun and it stung, but it was the only option he had. It didn't help at all that the older man looked absolutely ravishing. He was wearing a well-tailored suit - the shirt was a tight fit and made his mouth go dry and the pants hugged his legs and ass so well and all Jiyong could think was how he wanted to grab him and kiss him senseless. It also made his heart ache fondly when he saw that Seunghyun was wearing the cufflinks and tie he had gifted to him - and Seunghyun saw that Jiyong saw and  _ notice _ and even had the nerve to  _ smirk _ at him. 

 

Seunghyun was fighting dirty and suddenly he was glad that Chaerin was with them because otherwise he wasn't sure what he would do - probably climb him like a tree. 

 

Eventually the three of them found themselves sitting at the dining table - food was already served, the wine Seunghyun had brought opened and conversation going. Jiyong was being rather quiet for his standard, but he just enjoyed the moment - all things considered this was oddly domestic and when he heard both people he held dearly to his heart laugh, he had to smile as well. 

 

“-I still remember the first day of school; Hanbin was such a wild kid when he was little, always jumping around and running in circles, but he got so shy when he went to school for the first time. It was both endearing as it was a bit sad, I was so scared that he wouldn’t get along with his classmates, but he found a few friends and everything went well and now he is still friends with most of them.“ Jiyong had to chuckle lightly at that memory, while he was twirling his wine-glass. 

 

“I know what you mean, I remember it like yesterday as well when I dropped my son off on his first day - it broke my heart, he was so painfully shy as a kid and it was so hard to let him go. But he came back home with a huge smile on his lips and stickers all over his face so it all worked out in the end.“

 

“Oh, I didn't know you had a son! How old is he? I bet you are a great father, you’re so sweet and caring-“, Jiyong looked up from his plate, eyes trained on Seunghyun with concern. He knew that his son was a touchy subject for him - he hadn’t seen him in years thanks to his ex and even though he always smiled when mentioning him (which wasn’t often because talking about him hurt) he could see the pain in his eyes and every time he saw that look on Seunghyun‘s face he just wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be alright.

 

He had the same sad look on his face as always. 

 

“He‘s seventeen right now, but his birthday will be soon.“, he nervously played around with his chopsticks, “- and to be honest, I am not a good father to him. I used to be married and I confessed to my wife that I was gay shortly after his first day of school - needless to say she didn’t took it well and ended up filling a restriction order and she won. I haven’t seen him in ten years now - I tried to meet up with him in secret, to pick him up from school and bring him home, small stuff like that, but all the teachers knew about the restriction order and they all wouldn’t get me close to him.“ Jiyong felt his heart twist and eyes water - he had to blink away the tears. Seunghyun had told him bits and pieces every now and then, but him talking this openly about his son was new and he had to bite his tongue and pull himself together not to break into tears. His wife wasn’t doing much better - she had reached over to Seunghyun‘s hand and quickly offered a tissue when she saw Seunghyun‘s tears. 

 

“I‘m sorry, this is awkward - I shouldn’t be crying like a baby and-“

 

“No, Seunghyun. You are a good father - this is your son you are talking about. I can't even imagine what that must feel like. Hell! What is your ex thinking! Why would someone be so cruel and do that to you - he is as much as your son as he is of your ex-wife.“, Chaerin was furious now, he could tell - she had a tendency to get angry when she had to cry. 

 

“Well, the restriction order ends in a few weeks when it‘s his eighteenth birthday. I‘m planning to meet him then, though I have no idea how he will react - if he even wants to see me at all. I don’t know what my ex told him about me - for all i know he could think I am a monster - so I‘m torn between being scared and being excited.  Don’t even know if he will recognize me, it‘s been so long.“, Seunghyun cleared his throat, “I just hope he won‘t get angry and just leave; I want to explain everything to him, that I didn‘t abandon him and that I didn‘t had a choice and I hope he will give me a second chance and be the father he always needed.“

 

That was it - Jiyong felt the tears fall and quickly excused him to grab some more tissues; Chaerin had already used up all the napkins on the table with Seunghyun and he needed a moment to breath. He doubted that Chaerin would react the same way Seunghyun‘s ex had, but it still was a bit too close to his own reality and seeing Seunghyun hurt like this, hurt too much to just sit and watch like that. He felt Seunghyun’s eyes on him when he got up and left, but he couldn’t force himself to just sit there - what would his life be if he wouldn’t have Hanbin in it? He quickly went to the bathroom and splashed cold water in his face, dried it off again and went to grab some tissues. No, he didn't even want to think about that.

 

He came back with a box of tissues and placed them on the table, right in front of Seunghyun who gladly took them - his tears had more or less stopped for now and he was talking to Chaerin in a lowered voice, his eyes darting between her and Jiyong every now and then. 

 

While they talked, Jiyong made himself useful and started to clean up the table. They had long stopped eating and had started to drink the wine instead. The balcony door was open and a fresh breeze freshened up the room, clearing out the smoke from their cigarettes - this was literally the only time Chaerin was okay with someone smoking in their apartment; when they cooked fancy food and had people over, otherwise Jiyong always had to go outside.

 

They fell back into easy conversation once all the tears had finally dried - Seunghyun started to talk about a new case that he was going to lead and that he spent more time at the police department nowadays than his own office, which left him with way too much work and too little free-time. All his colleagues envied him for getting such an important case, but at the same time pitied him as well, because really - no one wanted to be stuck in their office for sometimes sixteen hours straight. Jiyong had had the honor of having to listen to Seunghyun complain about this new case for a week straight now and as much as he was in love with him, he had his limits. 

 

Jiyong only realized how late it was getting when the front door got opened and someone shuffled inside - it was Hanbin. One quick glance at the time and Jiyong had to smile - Bobby had stayed true to his words, it was 10:28 pm and Hanbin was home. His son shyly lurked inside the living room where the three of them were sitting, waved a bit awkwardly before he hid in his room - probably to text Bobby or call him goodnight. These two were practically attached at the hip these days and it was painfully adorable.

 

He couldn’t help himself but to look over at Seunghyun - would they be like Hanbin and Bobby? Going on dates, watching movies, going shopping, holding hands and cuddle up in bed late at night? Would they spend so much time together as well? What was Seunghyun like when he dated? Was he romantic? Was he a prude or kinky? 

 

He shook his head - now wasn't the time to think about something like that. 

 

It was getting late and Chaerin excused herself, saying that she needed to get up early, because of her meeting at seven-thirty. She said goodbye to Seunghyun and goodnight to Jiyong, telling the both of them that it was fine if Seunghyun stayed a bit longer, but that they should keep it down - they both nodded and decided to sit down on the armchairs near the balcony door with two wine glasses and cigarettes. The music was only a background noise by this point, it fit perfectly. 

 

Now that they were alone, Jiyong felt himself relax - his tensed shoulders dropped down and he rolled his head from side to side to work out a few of the kinks; he hadn’t even realized how tensed he had been all evening long and when Seunghyun looked at him with on raised eyebrow all he could do was smile sheepishly and take a zip from his wine glass before he twirled it around. He knew he shouldn’t, but the wine is making him mallow and pliant and Seunghyun is just too mesmerizing not to stare at - his hair is neatly combed like always, but looks extremely soft in the dimmed light and Jiyong has to bite his lip when he sees the crow-feet in the corner of his eyes form when Seunghyun smiles at him - and those dimples. 

 

He takes another sip from his glass, trying to collect himself. He keeps on forgetting that he is supposed to keep his distance. 

 

Jiyong crosses his legs, Indian style, and lights up a cigarette. 

 

“Chaerin told me about what happened the other night - about John and then you told me again yesterday, but it's still hard to believe.“ 

 

“What? That a man can find you so attractive they just want to throw you against a wall and make out with you?“, Seunghyun is smirking at him - teasing, and Jiyong feels a flush creep on his cheeks and ears. 

“No, you idiot. Someone going on dates with you and kissing someone else - I mean, what was he thinking? You are such a sweet man and you look like you stepped out of a fashion magazine all the time - I mean, who would want anyone else if they could have you?“

 

Shit, wine always makes him not think about the things he is about to say and he knows he hit a nerve when Seunghyun stares at him with a hard look for a couple of seconds, before he reaches for his own pack of smokes and lights one. 

 

“Well, I don't know what he was thinking, but I talked to him about it yesterday-“

 

_ Oh? _

 

“He apologized for the incident and we talked for a long time and to be honest I think it was partly my fault as well. I was neglecting him, showing affection to someone else and not giving my full attention to him. He told me he really liked me, but he also knew that I wasn’t available - at least not on an emotional level and he wasn’t looking for a simple friends with benefits kind of relationship, but for a real relationship.“, his eyes were glued to Jiyong again and once again he felt like he couldn’t breath. By now he must either be blind or stupid or both not to read the signs - Seunghyun hadn’t paid any attention to John, because of  _ him _ \- because he liked him so much that even when he tried to find someone else, he couldn’t. His body temperature suddenly increased and he felt the blood rushing through his veins - happiness spread through his body and he wanted to jump Seunghyun, kiss him senseless and tell him how much he liked him, how much he meant to him and how much he wanted to be with him.

 

“Like I said, I can‘t blame him for ending things like that and actually I am kind of happy that he spoke to me about it, because it made me realize a couple of things - things I have been trying to ignore for a long time now, but seeing how things are evolving lately, I think it is time to move on from that.“

 

Wait, what? 

 

A sudden wave of panic washed through his body and he tightly held onto his wine glass with one and his cigarette with the other hand. 

 

Was Seunghyun saying what he thought he was? 

 

“The truth is, I hate this situation - liking someone who I can‘t have no matter what I do, because I am not someone who willingly destroys someone else‘s relationship. I am better than that and I hate it when things get ugly - I like my life simply, which is why I normally try to avoid messy situations like this, but this time - I just couldn’t stay away. I met this person, this incredibly talented person - he has a heart of gold and a smile so bright the sun would be jealous - and at the beginning I thought that maybe things could work out, but no. He is taken and I don‘t want to mess with that - it‘s just so hard to accept, because we are good friends and spending time with him feels unlike any other friendship or relationship I ever had. He‘s like sunlight to me - he heals me when I need him to, but burns me at the same time and I don‘t know what I should do.“

 

There was a thickness in his throat that wouldn’t budge and Jiyong had a heart time speaking up - he was scared. He didn't want to lose Seunghyun - what should he do?

 

“What if he just needs a bit more time to sort things out? Maybe he actually wants to be with you, but can‘t just yet, because the circumstances won‘t allow it? Maybe he actually lov-“

 

“A ‘maybe‘ won‘t be enough.“

 

Jiyong felt like someone just stabbed him in the heart - his own voice was jittery and thin and he was so close to crying again. He watched as Seunghyun drank the last of his wine, tossing it back and then placing the glass on the small table between them, sighing. 

 

“The problem is that I have been in the exact same situation before - I liked someone, but he was married. He didn’t tell me about it, I had to find out the hard way - I was invited to one of those fancy galas that are being held each year by one of our clients and I saw him there, I even got introduced to him - him and his wife. We never spoke again after that night and even though I didn't fall for him as hard as I fell for the person I like right now, it still hurt like hell and I really don‘t want to know what it will feel like if the man I fell for now, breaks my heart and I am sure he will - not because he is evil or wants to see me suffer, but because his heart is too soft and he wants to be there for everyone - but himself. I think he has lived his life the exact way people expected him to and now he is too caught up in his own head and in the way he is used to things, that he just can‘t come out and I don‘t blame him I know how terrible that situation is - but I just can‘t keep on watching him playing pretend and breaking my heart over and over again, so I think a little distance will do him and I good.“

 

Seunghyun flicked the cigarette butt into the ashtray and Jiyong felt as if someone just stomped on his heart and kicked it into the trash - it wasn't like he didn't understand Seunghyun, fuck he did. He couldn’t blame him - they had been friends for months now, months in which he had been sure he would never seen the other man as anything more than a friend (or at least didn't want to be more than friends) - it would be selfish to just expect him to stay like that and have a crush on him forever; but that wasn’t what Jiyong was asking him to do anyways - he just needed a couple of weeks or so until Harin woke up. 

 

“Seunghyun, please I-“, he had never heard his voice so wrecked as it sounded now. 

 

“Just a little bit longer, until Harin is awake and-“

 

“Ever thought about what would happen if she never woke up, though? Obviously that‘s the least I wish for to happen - for her sake and for everyone else - but what if that‘s how things will end? This is a shit situation, I know, but I also know that people in this situation hold onto on to every little excuse just to stay a little bit longer and you know what happens then? They end up staying - they end up staying and I get my heart broken again. I‘m sorry, Jiyong, but this time I don‘t want to get my heart broken and I know that you could be my worst heartbreak so please, if you do have some feelings for me respect my decision and let me go. I still want to be your friend, but give me time to move on from you. You don‘t remember it, but you kissed me that night and it made me fall for you so much more. I reached my limit, I just can‘t have you be all over me, flirt with me and kiss me when you‘re drunk and then play husband for Chaerin. She‘s an amazing woman and she is lucky to have you and I wish you all the best, but please don‘t do this to me.“ 

 

Tears were falling freely again and Jiyong couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything at all but to stare at Seunghyun and watch him go. The older man gathered his belongings and brushed away the tears that had collected in his eyes and all Jiyong could do was watch him go - he was breathing heavy and shallow. 

 

Was this really happening? Was that really it? Did he just completely mess up his chance with Seunghyun? Was he right? Did Jiyong just look for excuses instead of living his own life? 

 

Way too late did he realize that the front door had clicked shut and that he was alone in the living room. Suddenly the heaviness of the whole situation kicked in and he started to sob, gut-deep and ugly crying - he pressed his hand against his mouth and bit the insides of his cheeks, trying to muffle the noises and not wake up Chaerin or Hanbin by accident. He quickly got up and ran to the bathroom as quick and silent as humanly possible - the bathroom was thankfully located at the other side of their apartment and was far enough away that no one would wake up even if he cried loudly. 

 

His vision was blurred with tears and he nearly ran into the doorframe on his way to the bathroom, but as soon as he was inside, he closed and locked the door and turned on the shower - letting the water fall down on him as he sat down in the shower stall fully clothed. He didn't give a shit that his clothes were getting soaked up or that getting out of them would be awful and that it would be suspicious the next day - he didn't give a single shit anymore. He just let all of his pain and worry and everything else he had bottled up go and cried it all out until there were no more tears, but even then he couldn’t stop. The water had cooled down to an uncomfortable temperature, but even that didn’t motivate him to move - instead he just sat there, still crying and letting the water wash them away. 

 


	8. eight

Jiyong felt as if he was on autopilot. 

 

He got up in the morning, ate breakfast, kissed Chaerin goodbye, went to work, ate lunch, worked some more, drove home and went to bed. It’s all the same. The same routine every single day and while Hanbin always managed to make him smile, there was still that gaping hole in his heart that he just couldn’t fill - no matter what he tried, Seunghyun was missing. At first, he tried to act as if nothing bothered him - he understood where Seunghyun was coming from, understood the hardships he was going through, but fuck it all - he needed Seunghyun right now more than ever. His heart hurt and he spent all his breaks crying in one of the toilet stalls, it got so much worse during lunch breaks, too - because Seunghyun no longer met up with with him for lunch. They had talked a handful of times in the last three weeks, but nothing that could be worth mentioning. Jiyong had tried again and again to contact him without being annoying, but the older man would often just brush him off or told him he was busy with work - which Jiyong knew wasn’t really a lie, because the new case was time consuming, but he also knew that if he really wanted to, Seunghyun would make time for him and the fact that he didn’t, but instead tried to avoid him at all costs, hurt. 

 

When they finally met up, Jiyong was the happiest person on this planet - he couldn‘t stop smiling, couldn't stop the giddiness that’s bubbling up in his chest, and just wanted to run to Seunghyun and hug him - but he quickly sobered up when Seunghyun was standing in front of him. There was no quick hug, or any other sign of him wanting to greet Jiyong like they always did - instead he took a step back and just nodded his head and it killed Jiyong - he was treating him just like any other colleague and he couldn't believe Seunghyun was able to just brush his own feelings off like that. Or maybe he just moved on already? What if he was one of those people that could just move on like that? What if his feelings were back to being strictly platonic? Did he lose him completely already? 

 

Jiyong tried to stay strong during that lunch, he smiled and told stories about things that Seunghyun had missed, about what Hanbin was up to these days and some things Jiyong knew would interest Seunghyun - and they did and they talked and it was going great - just that it wasn’t. Not really. Not in Jiyong‘s opinion. He wanted Seunghyun to smile at him like he used to, wanted him to compliment him on the outfit he was wearing. He even wanted to hear those terribly flirty dad jokes Seunghyun always made - he missed the flirtiness of their relationship and it made his heart ache so much more it was almost unbearable. 

 

The only thing that kept him going, kept him close to Seunghyun and made him want to meet up with the other man was the hope he still had inside of him that they would actually work out - that they will be happy together some day. He could already see it clearly - waking up in his arms, kissing him whenever he felt like it, grabbing his hand while watching a movie or making out like teenagers on the couch after a long stressful day at work. He would give him space if he needed it, but Jiyong had fallen hard and he was willing to fight for this love, fight for Seunghyun.

 

But with Seunghyun‘s absence everything seemed to get so much harder and Jiyong just didn’t know how he could pretend that he was alright when he really wasn’t. That alone was stressful enough, but it got so much worse when Chaerin started asking questions - he has been so carefully not to slip, not to act out of the ordinary, not to show how much he was hurting on the inside, but Chaerin wouldn’t be Chaerin if she didn’t knew Jiyong like the back of her hand - they have spent so many years together it would be weird if she didn’t realize something was off, but still; Jiyong had hoped that she wouldn’t say anything that she would just brush it off as too much stress at work or something and just let him wallow in self-pity. 

 

Jiyong knew he was in trouble as soon as his wife walked in with that look on her face - she used the same look on Hanbin ever since he was a little kid when she knew that he had fucked up but didn't want to admit it and it worked every single time. 

 

It also worked on Jiyong before; he just hopes he won’t crack this time. 

 

He was sitting in the armchair near the balcony - a thick blanket wrapped around his frame and eyes trained on the window, watching as birds fly by and clouds push themselves forward. She sat down next to him and didn’t say anything for a long time and it was making Jiyong feel all kinds of uneasy. 

 

“You know you can talk to me about everything and I won‘t judge you, right?“

 

Her voice was soft, but fierce at the same time. 

 

Jiyong could only nod. “I know.“

 

“Then why won’t you talk to me? Something has been eating away at you for a few weeks now and I‘m sure I even heard you cry under the shower a couple of times - don't try to pretend that didn't happen, okay? I heard you and it hurts - I love you, Jiyong and whatever you are going through I want to be there for you and help you like you always do for me. I know you were raised to always be the strong one, to be the one in charge and be the man of the house and all that bullshit, but that’s not healthy and I really wish you would open up about what is going on inside your head these days. I worry about you - I worry about you so much and it kills me that I only can just sit here and watch you hurt.“ 

 

Jiyong took a deep, shaky breath - he had to close his eyes for a moment, because all the unresolved feelings suddenly came crashing and he just couldn‘t bottle them up any longer - but what should he tell Chaerin? What should he say? Should he really take that step - that fucking frightening step - and confess to her? Should he really do that? Jiyong tried to think rationally about this, tried to weight out the pros and cons. Harin was still in hospital, but the more time passed, the more strength came back to Chaerin and the more she was shining in her old colors. But what would happen if he confessed now? Would it throw her back into the miserable state she was in a couple of weeks before? He coudln‘t do that to her. He just couldn‘t.

 

He took her hand in his, played with their rings and tried to think of what he should tell her - and it clicked. It's probably morally not the best thing thing to do, but it was the only thing he could use more or less right now; besides, it still hurt so much to even think about it and even though this whole mess with Seunghyun made everything so much worse, he hadn’t forgotten about Harin. How could he possibly forget about her?

 

“It‘s just -“, he stumbled over his words, nerves getting the better of him, “-this whole thing with Harin. I know how much you are hurting - she is your little sister for Christ’s sake - and I try everything to be there for you, to give you hope and help you get through this. I also do this for Hanbin whenever Bobby needs a break or can‘t be here. I‘m here for both of you and I love doing that, it‘s my most favorite thing to do, but the past weeks have just been so stressful and I just can‘t hold it in anymore. You are right, my parents did raise me like that - to be the man, the strong one that never crumbles and it hurts so much, because I still have that voice in the back of my head that stops me from asking for help, from reaching out.“

 

He was crying once again and he faintly wondered when he became such a cry baby or if he always had been one and Seunghyun just brought it out in him. He felt pathetic, asking for help like this - but it‘s true. He never learned how to ask for help, he always suffered in silence - bottled up all the feelings and pretended they weren’t there at all just to make it through the day, week, month, year. You name it.

 

Jiyong suddenly felt a soft touch on his cheeks and realized that Chaerin was cradling his face. “My poor darling.“, her voice was soft and it made Jiyong weak - the wall he has built around him, the one that was trying to keep everything a secret crumbled and he let go. Chaerin was there, wrapping her arms around him tightly  while he sobbed into her chest - up until now it was the other way around; Chaerin crying on Jiyong‘s chest, but now things were different. He felt her soft touch on the back of his head while she hummed a soothing melody and it helped, it helped so much to be held like that after such a long time; it was not like when Seunghyun held him though - when Seunghyun held him he felt like the world could explode any second and he still would be save; but this? This still felt good - it felt like hugging your best friend.

 

Chaerin didn’t let go of him as she carefully pulled him up and into the direction of the bedroom - he was still crying while Chaerin pulled off his pants and helped him change into more comfortable clothes. He was still crying when she joined him in bed, sleeping clothes on as well, and pulled him into a hug again. It was only six in the evening on a Thursday and Hanbin wasn’t even home yet, but that didn’t matter. Nothing mattered right now, but the warmth Jiyong was feeling in his chest while he was being held and he sucked it up like a sponge - he needed this kind of affection, he needed it so much. He has been deprived of it all his life now and finally he is getting a small dose of it, but it was not enough - Chaerin was not enough; or at least she was not the one Jiyong truly needed and it fucked him up, because this was Chaerin. The woman that was with him through thick and thin, the woman that he has spent half his life with and she isn’t enough. He feels like an ungrateful brat, but that‘s how things are for him and he realizes the quicker he accepts it the better it is for everyone. 

 

Jiyong fell asleep quickly that day and even though Chaerin was the one holding him, Seunghyun was the only one on his mind. 

  
  
  
  


Days passed again and Jiyong still felt like he was still acting on autopilot - the only thing that had changed was that he didn’t have to pretend as much as before. When he was sad he cried, when he felt lonely he walked over to Chaerin and hugged her, if he missed Seunghyun too much he tried to occupy his mind with drawing sketches for their new project and it helped - at least a little bit. 

 

He still sent Seunghyun a ton of messages - asking him about random things which he knew Seunghyun liked, asked him if he wanted to meet up more regularly again for lunch and even though Seunghyun most of the time still said no, the times he didn’t show up started to decrease. Some days Jiyong would just sent him a picture of where he was sitting, alone, with the menu in his hand - asking Seunghyun what he should pick to eat and not even ten minutes later Seunghyun would just wordlessly take a seat in front of him and order for the both of them. It was a start, he told himself, a little one, but still a start and Jiyong started to smile more often again. 

  
  
  


The only person who really knew what was going on with him and inside his head was SooJoo. Now that Seunghyun didn’t have as much time for Jiyong as he used to, he spent more time with his best friend - it made him feel better that he had a save place where he could rant to someone without being judged, where he didn’t have to watch every single step he was making or every word he was saying. She was also great in giving advice, giving him the much needed confidence boost when things were going down the shitter again. Today was one of those days again:

 

“I just don‘t get it - we met up yesterday and we talked about so many different things and it almost felt like how things were before he decided to leave me hanging like this, and now all of a sudden he is not answering his damn phone again? What is he, a twelve year old that is too full of himself to answer the damn phone?“

 

Jiyong saw how SooJoo tried to mask her laughter with a stuffing more noodles in her mouth and Jiyong flicked a piece of vegetable at her. “I‘m serious! He acts like a child sometimes, I swear. How is this man in his mid forties by now?“

 

SooJoo nearly choked on her food as she finally gave up and started to laugh. “Oh, and you are so mature ‘Mr.Lets-throw-food-at-my-friend-for-laughing‘, huh?“

 

Jiyong scoffed and started to dig into his food. “You really aren‘t much of a help, you know?“ He continued to ignore her laughter - but after a few more seconds he felt his resolve crumble and a small smile tugged at his lips. 

 

“See, even you have to smile a bit! I think you have to understand his point of view as well, Jiyong. I mean, you guys met  _ months _ ago and apparently he has been pining after you since the very first moment - you can’t expect him to be in love with you for months while you are still with Chaerin. I know it is a shit situation, but especially after he mentioned that he went through something like that before, I can really understand why he pulled away from you.“ 

 

Jiyong munched on his rice - it suddenly tasted like ash and he placed the chopstick on the table. 

 

“I know I am being unfair - I just need a little more time and yes, I know that was exactly what Seunghyun said about ‘ _ always looking for an excuse _ ‘, but I am not looking for an excuse. I really do want to be with him, but I know that I can‘t just throw that at Chaerin right now. Call me stupid, but I feel like things with Harin will get better soon and then I will be able to talk with her.“

 

SooJoo looked at him skeptical.

 

“What?“

 

“Are you sure you will be able to talk about it with her once Harin is awake? I mean - imagine the scenario: Harin wakes up - finally, after so many weeks, and Chaerin is all happy and thrilled her baby sister is awake again and then you suddenly come out. Don‘t you think that that will ruin her good mood, too?“

 

Jiyong suddenly felt small.

 

“The way I see it, there is no ‘ _ perfect moment _ ‘ for this. Because no matter what you do or how well you try to plan it, there will always be the final result of hurting Chaerin‘s feelings and I ask you now - what do you think is better, being honest with her and telling her how things are right now, or waiting until you and Seunghyun fucked or whatever to make her feel even more like all of this was a lie to her?“

 

He sometimes hated his friends - really. Why did SooJoo have to be so logical about this? Jiyong played with his ring and sighed - he knew she was right, but coming out to his wife like that scared the shit out of him. 

 

“Besides; you said that you will wait until Harin is awake to come out, but what if she never wakes up? Will you stay with Chaerin until the day one of you guys die?“

 

“Seunghyun said the same thing and it wasn’t really an outcome I had thought about, because to me this whole Harin-is-in-coma thing is still so surreal even though it has been weeks by now.“

 

He reached for a pack of smokes and lighted a cigarette, rubbing the palms of his hands over his eyes and sighing again. 

 

“Shit, I really do have to come out - don‘t I?“

 

“No one is forcing you, Jiyong. If you don‘t feel like you can come out then don‘t, but then you have to live the life you live now; without Seunghyun in it.“

 

He sighed again. This was making his head hurt. He didn't want to hurt anyone. Not Chaerin, not Hanbin, not Seunghyun - but real life sadly wasn‘t a fairy tale where everything just magically worked out if you just wished for it hard enough to happen and that realization was slowly setting in. He had to make a choice and the sooner he did it the better it would be for everyone involved. It didn’t change the fact that he was scared shitless and fear had the powerful ability to paralyze you and just not move on from the situation you are in. It sucked, but that’s how humans worked.

 

But something inside of him finally moved into place - he could feel the change. It was hard to explain, but that small part of him that always rebelled against the norms of heterosexuality and how he was supposed to live his life had grown bigger and bigger over the past few months and now it had become so big that he felt as if he couldn’t breath if he didn’t came out. It felt different from when he came back from his business trip - back then, he was still insecure, but running high on the butterflies in his stomach. He hadn’t been ready back then, but he was now.

 

There must have been something in the way he stared at his food or looked, because when SooJoo looked at him he knew that she knew. 

 

She carefully reached over to his hands and squeezed them. “If you need a place to stay, you are always welcomed here - okay?“

 

“Okay, thank you Soo.“

 

“No problem, Pooh.“

  
  
  


The way home was harder than he ever imagined it would be, but he felt an odd sense of calmness wash over him - Chaerin was either going to accept him or not. Worst case scenario was that she kicked him out and never spoke to him again, best case scenario was that she was understanding and wouldn’t dismember him on sight - most rational one was the case of something in between, hopefully. It messed with his head, but he needed to come clean - he couldn’t live on like that. 

 

The door fell shut behind him and he put his keys in the bowl next to the entrance and toed off his shoes. He could hear music from the kitchen and Chaerin singing softly - given the fact that it was Friday evening, Hanbin probably was out with Bobby until later and Jiyong realized that he was happy that his son wasn‘t here right now. He would also have to come out to his own son, much like he did a couple of months back, but he would do it on a different occasion after he talked with Chaerin. 

 

He didn‘t say a word as he watched his wife, he simply stood there in the doorway and watched her. She was cutting vegetables and threw them in a pot, still humming a familiar song, which Jiyong couldn’t remember right now. 

 

He tried to gather as many little details about this moments as he could - the way Chaerin‘s hair was done up, her make-up of the day, the comfortable clothes she changed into as soon as she came home (it was one of Jiyong‘s old shirts and right at that moment this little fact hurt him more than anything) and the way she was moving her hips when she started to dance slowly to the beat. 

 

“Chaerin?“, his own voice sounded weird to him, it was oddly monoton.

 

Apparently she hadn't realized he had come home, because he saw how she slightly jumped at his voice, but once she looked up she smiled at him - ready to welcome him home, but one look on his face and her own smile dropped.

 

“Could we talk for a moment?“

 

“Jiyong, is everything okay?“

 

If everything was okay? He didn't know, he couldn’t even say if it was or if it was not.

 

“Can we just talk? There is something I need to get off my chest.“

 

Chaerin simply nodded and he could see a flash of sadness and fear in her eyes and he hated himself so much for doing this to her, but he just couldn’t lie to her any longer. He watched her as she shut off the stove, apparently already sensing that this was going to be a longer talk, and put away the rest of the ingredients. The pair walked into the living room and sat down in the armchairs near the balcony - Jiyong moved them so they could look at one another; he just needed to see her face when he told her. 

 

His heart was going crazy and not in the good way - he felt as if he was about to throw up or go batshit or whatever else he could possibly go through right now.

 

But how should be possibly start this conversation? How should he possibly put in words what he was going through the past few months and -

 

“Whatever you want to say just say it, Jiyong. Your silence is killing me.“

 

Fuck it. 

 

Without missing a beat, he answered.

 

“I‘m gay and in love with a man.“ 

 

It was like a cruel joke, a dejávù gone wrong or right he didn’t know. It was like he could see the scene with Hanbin at their dining table from months ago flash before his inner eye, feeling as if he suddenly slipped into the role of their son and acted it out - but this was not a memory or some sort of out-of-body experience from an alternative universe, no. This was real life; his life, right at this moment and he felt like something was ripping him apart from the inside. It was anxiety, nervousness, relief and so much more - he could feel the numbness in his fingers, how they started to tingle and how his chest tightened at every breath and it got worse the longer Chaerin stared at him with a blank look on her face. 

 

“What?“

 

There is no way she didn’t hear him and they both knew it, but it was probably the only thing Chaerin could say right at this moment, because she probably felt a little bit like Jiyong did right now - his mind was completely blank and ridden with panic. 

 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled together all the strength he had inside of him, gathered it and concentrated it on his voice - but failed, it came out thin and insecure. 

 

“I‘m gay, Chaerin.“

 

It was as if the spell finally broke - Chaerin blinked once, twice, before she opened her mouth, closed it again, looked away for a moment, looked at him again and finally spoke up again. 

 

“Is this a joke?“

 

Tears filled his eyes. 

 

“No, it‘s not.“

 

Her facial expression changed so much within ten seconds - confused, angry, hurt, angry again, and then there were tears in her eyes and she just got up and walked through the room, pacing from one side of the room to the other until she stopped. 

 

“Then, tell me, what the fuck was all this?“, she gestured around the room and Jiyong knew exactly what she meant. It was something he was afraid she would ask, that she would question his commitment to his family and how much he loved them. Chaerin‘s body language changed again and she was back to anger - her eyes were filled with tears and they spilled down her pretty face as she marched up to him. 

 

“Tell me, you asshole. What was all this to you? Just some kind of cruel joke you played on me twenty years ago so you could get a kid out of me? We all know how much you love children so what, did you just use your best friend for this? Did you pretend to love me all these years, living one big lie? Did you ever think about what it would make me feel like you asshole?“, he rage switched to pain and Jiyong could see something break inside of her.

 

“Chaerin, please you have to believe me I-“

 

„ _ I  _ have to  _ believe you? _ I  _ believed _ for twenty years that you  _ loved me _ , why should I believe anything you say to me anymore? You used me so you could have this family fantasy of yours - I devoted years and years to you and this is what I get in the end? Fuck you, Jiyong. Fuck you for doing this to me - why the fuck didn’t you tell me all those years ago, huh? Was I not worth of knowing you? Did you not trust me? Did you think I was one of those homophobic pricks that would want to hang you? Do you really have such little faith in me?“

 

Jiyong felt like he couldn’t breath - all he could do was sit there and let Chaerin throw everything at him and he let her, he deserved it, she was right. He should have told her years ago, he should have told her - but there was still something that didn’t make him regret it.

 

Chaerin sat down on the couch, crying her eyes out - Jiyong slowly walked over to her and kneeled down in front of her, trying to look at her face, but she wouldn’t let him. Instead, he got slapped in the face. Hard. 

 

His cheek was burning and it made his eyes sting with tears, but as he looked back at Chaerin she was finally looking at him and he knew that look - she was seconds away from apologizing, but he didn’t want her apology. Fuck, he was the one that should apologize. 

 

“Don‘t.“, he quickly held his hand over her lips, stopping her from apologizing for slapping him. 

 

“I deserved it.“ 

 

He lowered his hand again, still kneeling in front of his wife with tears in his eyes and his left cheek burning. 

 

Jiyong took a shaky breath. 

 

“I want you to know that I don‘t regret any of this - of us. You are still my best friend and you always will be - I regret making you feel like this was just a joke, because it wasn’t. I  _ do  _ love you, but not romantically - but that doesn’t mean my love for you isn’t real, it‘s just different and I could never regret being with you. Over the past twenty years, you were the one who always picked me up, was there for me and who created so many unforgettable memories with me, I could never regret that. I could never regret you - or Hanbin. You have no idea how fucking grateful I am for being able to say that you are the mother of my child - you are such a strong woman and I admire you so much.“

 

There were still tears in her eyes and her lower lip started to tremble - she looked away, stared at the floor next to Jiyong. “I want you out of this apartment.“ 

 

Jiyong let go of her hands, falling back on his butt, too taken aback by her words. 

 

“I‘m not saying I don‘t want you in my life anymore, Jiyong. But this is hard, I need time to think. Please, pack your bags and go. I can‘t have you here right now.“

 

“Chaerin, I-“

 

“Go!“

 

Jiyong suddenly felt like a kid again that was getting kicked out of the classroom and shouted at by the teacher, or getting scolded by his father who always threaten to kick him if he didn’t behave - he pushed himself backwards until he finally managed to get up and stumbled out of the living room, into the bedroom. He couldn’t even see clearly what he was packing and stuffing into his duffle bag right now, he just simply opened the doors of his closet and put as much as possibly into it. Jiyong also grabbed his still packed bag with his laptop and everything else he needed for work and walked back out of the bedroom. He stopped in the hallway and casted on last look at Chaerin - she was sitting on the couch with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of wine in the other and the only time he had ever seen her cry this hard had been a few  weeks ago when she was sitting next to her sister in the hospital. Right now, he just wanted to run over to her and hug her tightly, but he knew that wouldn’t end well - when Chaerin hurt, she needed to feel the pain and work through it and the best way he could let her work through it right now was to leave her alone. 

 

His hands were still shaking and so were his legs and it felt as if he was carrying a ton of bricks tied to his chest, but at the same time it felt as if they had finally been lifted. He pulled the front door close behind him and Chaerin‘s cries finally stopped reaching him. It was bliss as much as it was pain, but Jiyong just tried to think of the positive side of this - he finally came out, he wouldn’t have to keep on living in a cage from now on. He took one last deep breath and walked down the stairs.

 

It felt weird. He had just more or less ended a big part of his life, just like that. One small confession and it was gone - at least the way he knew it. Chaerin hadn’t completely denied him and that gave him hope. She would need time to let Jiyong‘s confession sink in though, and he was willing to wait - he was willing to wait for a long time if that meant he wouldn’t lose her completely. 

 

His hands were holding onto his bags tightly as he walked down the sideway, back to his car when his vision started to blur again. It hurt, it hurt so fucking much to just walk away from Chaerin like that, but it was liberating as well. He put his bags into the back of his car, sat down in the driver seat and took more deep breaths and then he couldn’t stop smiling - shit. He just came out. 

 

After forty-five years of his father bullying him into believing that you could never come out as a gay man, that you could never live a free life as a gay man he had finally taken that step. In a way, Jiyong was glad that his father wasn‘t alive anymore, he didn’t know how he would react - probably grab the next heavy object and beat the gay out of him. He was smiling through his tears and as he looked up into the rear-view mirror he just stared at himself for a moment. 

 

He was still the same man as he always had been; the same brown, almond-shaped eyes, the same dark brown hair, the same nose which he was insecure about and the same lips. But somehow he felt as if he was someone else, someone new, someone different. He was still Kwon Jiyong the architect and father; the same kid at heart that was curious about the world as he had been since he was a child - but there was a new side of him that started to bloom. 

 

Up until now, he had denied himself all the small pleasures he had always been curious about, because it wasn’t manly or didn’t fit the stereotypical thinking of what a korean man should be like. But now he felt that wall crumble - he was finally allowing himself to experience every aspect of his being, maybe not yet to the fullest yet but there was still time for that. 

 

Forty-five years. 

 

How had time passed so fast? 

 

Jiyong‘s mind started to wander; to his childhood days, middle and high school, university - the times he had spent together with Youngbae, Chaerin and later SooJoo and Harin. He couldn’t help but wonder how life would have developed if he had come out back then - it would be different from the life he was living now, maybe he would have not felt as if he was living inside a cage? 

 

Still, he didn’t regret a single moment or the decisions he had made. If he had come out he would have never married Chaerin and they would have never had Hanbin and Jiyong just couldn‘t think of a world where his son didn‘t exist - a world without that bright smile and happy laughter and dumb jokes. 

 

He probably also wouldn’t have met Seunghyun. 

 

Jiyong rubbed his tired eyes, brushing away the tears. 

 

He really wanted to see the other man - it was as if it was hard-wired into his brain by now, but he felt too emotionally drained to talk to anyone so meeting Seunghyun would have to wait, because he knew the next time he saw Seunghyun he wanted to come clean, to confess, to tell him about the development of his marriage and ask him if he still felt the need to keep Jiyong away from him, or if he still felt the need to move on. 

 

But the only thing Jiyong wanted right now was to sleep and not wake up for at least fourteen hours. 

 

SooJoo‘s words echoed in his head and he started to drive.

 

The streets of Seoul were rainy and cold that day -  the city lights blurred as if someone had put a bokeh filter over it and it should feel depressing, but it wasn’t. Jiyong opened the windows of his car while he drove and inhaled the fresh rain scented air and tuned out the loud, unwanted noises. He stopped at a traffic light, watched as people crossed the street and he couldn‘t help but wonder - did any of them know what huge decision he had made earlier that day and basically flipped his whole life around? Probably not, but he still wondered. 

 

He thought about many things and nothing at all at the same time. 

 

Fifteen minutes later and he came to a stop in front of SooJoo‘s house - he parked the car, grabbed his bags and got out of the car. His feet suddenly felt heavy as he dragged himself to the familiar front door and knocked. He could barely hold himself up at this point - the stress and emotional drain finally caught up with his body and it felt numb. 

 

When SooJoo opened the door and saw him, she didn't hesitate for a moment, but pulled him into a tight hug and Jiyong had to laugh when his nose collided with her shoulder - damn her and her height. Jiyong absently registered her pulling him into the house, taking his bags from him and walked him into the living room. A few minutes later he had a glass of wine and a cigarette in each hand and was that tequila? 

 

“Are you planning to get me drunk, Soo?“

 

“Damn right I am! I also want to know what exactly happened, but I know you - if you are not drunk enough you will end up crying again and then I won‘t understand a thing you are saying so bottoms up and get drunk. Besides, what else would you rather do right now?“

 

She had a point, getting drunk seemed like a fantastic idea, but he couldn't help but be a little shit. 

 

“Seunghyun.“

 

SooJoo erupted with laughter, nearly knocking over her wine glass and spilling the content on the white fluffy carpet underneath their feet. “Oh my god, is that how things are going to be from now on? Cracking gay jokes?“

 

Jiyong snorted. It felt good to joke like this - light hearted and teasingly and SooJoo was right, he needed this right now. He didn’t want to think about Chaerin right now or how he broke her heart, he didn‘t want to think about the consequences all of this would have because he spent the last couple of months only thinking about that. 

 

He knocked back a tequila shot. 

 

Was it selfish that he just wanted to have some fun right now and not think about all of this? Probably, but he needed a break. He needed a break from everything and he would take this break right now, even if it only lasted one evening. Jiyong would take whatever the universe had to offer for him starting tomorrow.

 

As the shots got more and the wine got less Jiyong found himself care less about all the drama in his life right now and his mind started to wander to Seunghyun - the way he talked and gestured with his hands, his bright smile and his dimples, the way his mind worked and how the world had gotten so much more fascinating ever since he had met him. It was cheesy as hell, but it was true. Seunghyun helped him see the world in a different light - before it was mostly gray; the only splinters of color were moments with Hanbin - like his first day of school, the first time he broke his arm (in total it happened three times until now), and all the moments when Hanbin had been scared during thunderstorms and crawled up his chest - and some very happy moments with his friends, but now that Seunghyun had stepped into his life? It was like a color explosion - without knowing he had helped him gain so much confidence in who he really was, helped him jump over his shadow and become stronger. 

 

He wanted to give Seunghyun the world, if only he could afford it. The more alcohol fogged his brain, the more he wanted to see Seunghyun and talk to him, but even in his state he knew that he was way too drunk for that. Instead, he sat there on SooJoo‘s couch - the tiny tequila hat that always came with the bottle on top of his head - smiling happily and laughing with SooJoo about god knows what. 

 

“I‘m gonna talk to Seunghyun tomorrow.“, his words were already terribly slurred, but judging by the giddy smile from SooJoo she understood.

 

“I‘m gonna talk to him-“, hiccup, “-confess and win him over and then I am going to jump him for sure.“, he snickered at his own words as he stared down into his now empty tequila glass. 

 

“I‘m gonna make him fall in love with me all over again.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this one was hard to be honest - it kinda threw me back to my own coming out and I had legit tears in my eyes when I wrote this. Hope you guys liked this one!
> 
> Next update should be on Wednesday (:


	9. nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! 
> 
> Not much to say this time to be honest, hope you guys liked it!
> 
> Next update will be on Wednesday next week probably, since I am at a wedding all weekend long and not sure if I will be able to write the next chapter until Sunday!

The amount of times he has woken up with a pounding head after getting completely hammer the night before had steadily increased over the past few months and that probably should make him question his new life style — or at least his new found drinking habits.

 

He really needed to cut back on the alcohol he was no longer twenty and his body used every single opportunity to show him that he was forty-five and should not be drinking that much anymore. Jiyong woke up with a stiff neck and he couldn’t even turn it to the side because he slept funny and it hurt to move even just a little bit. As he finally managed to open his tired eyes the first thing he was was SooJoo, sleeping peacefully on the fluffy carpet, curled up with a blanket and one of the sofa pillows.

 

Suddenly his phone went off and he groaned as the ringtone got louder — he patted over the flat surface of the couch until he finally reached that damn thing and shut off the alarm he had forgotten to turn off.

 

SooJoo was still sleeping peacefully - god knows how she managed to do that.

 

It took him a while to get up from the couch, but he eventually bullied himself into the shower — nearly threw up in there — changed into a fresh set of clothes — which consisted of jogging pants and an old, torn shirt and fluffy socks — and dragged himself into the kitchen. SooJoo would probably offer him her guest room, but he was too tired to think about putting all his stuff away right now and just hugged the coffee machine in the meantime.

 

Fifty minutes later — he had fallen asleep at the counter, face pressed against the cool marble and body halfway draped over it — he got woken up rather rudely by SooJoo, who was preparing some kind of smoothie in a blender and Jiyong never wanted to murder someone even more than he did right at this moment.

 

“Good morning, sunshine!”

 

“How come you aren’t hangover..”

 

“I have no idea, but I never feel any pain or anything after drinking - not even a slight headache.”

 

“God, I hate you so much right now.”

 

SooJoo laughed. “You _love_ me and you will love me even more, because we will go shopping today if you want to or not!”

 

“And please tell me, why would I do something like that?”

 

“Because didn’t you say something about ‘making Seunghyun fall for you all over again’? I am not sure when you last looked into the mirror, but all your clothes are out of season and honey you really need to show off your legs a little more. You don’t have an ass, but those legs are to die for and we need to find you some clothes that will show off those nice collarbones of yours!”

 

“Okay, first of all - what the hell is wrong with my but? Secondly, my collarbones? For real?”

 

Jiyong didn’t know what to think of this or where this newfound motivation came from, but a very small part of him was actually happy to hear this. Part of growing up in the society he lived in was to ‘fit in’, the less you stood out the better you were, which meant he got all his clothes in the same boring shade of black, gray or brown —nothing too colorful and that would fit the image of an architect by korean standart. Over the years, he and Chaerin had every now and then went shopping to get something out of the ordinary — like when he was in New York. But he didn’t had the confidence to really wear the clothes he thought looked good (up to this day he still hadn’t worn that one Chanel suit in his closet out in the open) or explore the things he was curious about. Ever since he was little he had always watched his sister do her make-up and one time he tried to apply lipstick — Dami caught him and Jiyong had been so scared she might say he was a freak for doing that, but instead she was thrilled about it and started to use him as her make-up guinea pig. That was, until their father found out about it and chased Jiyong through the house with a leather-belt. Needless to say that was the last time he even so much as looked at make-up.

 

But now that he was out there was nothing holding him back anymore — at least his father wasn’t there anymore to beat him or threaten him. It still felt like there was this invincible power that scared him — it was irrational, probably, but after all these years fear about exploring this had manifested in his mind and wouldn’t let got so maybe having SooJoo with him would help him gain a little bit of confidence?

 

“Alright, fine —  can I at least take a shower and change into different clothes before you drag me from shop to shop?”

 

“Sure!”

  


Twenty minutes later he stepped out of the shower, freshly washed and feeling a little bit more like a human being than before. His stomach was still acting up a bit, but he couldn’t really tell if it was from the alcohol the night before, or if he was actually hungry.

 

He was about to change into the fresh clothes he had put onto the counter, when he caught a glimpse of himself on the full-length mirror SooJoo had placed next to the shower and his mind started to wander. What had SooJoo said? He didn’t had an ass? Jiyong stood sideways to the mirror and looked at himself — and she was right. He had never really given much thought to this specifically ever since he was a teenager, but now that the thought was planted in his head he was growing insecure again. When he was a teenager he had been teased for his baby face and chubby cheeks and how dangly and thin his legs and arms were — they also had teased him about his voice. It took him years to get rid off these insecurities — thanks to Chaerin. She had made sure that Jiyong felt comfortable in his own skin — it had taken years, but he had finally been confident.

And him liking a man shouldn’t change anything — but it did. Jiyong had no idea what men liked or if there were certain rules he needed to follow. Did men like big, round butts on other men as well? Did they like muscles and deep voices? The crushing realization set in that he had nothing of that - not even close. While his voice had dropped a bit, it was still high and thin sometimes and while he wasn’t overweight at all, the years where he had actually come close to something like a six pack were over. Jiyong tilted his head and started to observe his body again. Maybe SooJoo had a point about his collarbones? They did stand out a lot and he actually always liked the way they looked so maybe Seunghyun would like it too?

 

He spent another fifteen minutes with getting dressed and blow-drying his hair and when he finally stepped into the living room, SooJoo had already been waiting impatiently on one of the sofas for him. As soon as she spotted him, she grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the house and drove off to the nearest shopping mall.

  
  


“Do you really think this would fit me?”

 

“Absolutely, now go change! And try this one here, too!”

 

Jiyong felt even more insecure than before when SooJoo started to hand clothes to him, he would never dare to wear, but he also couldn't say no to her warm smile so he just shrugged and did as he was told to. The outfits were colorful and trendy and the complete opposite of what Jiyong was used to wearing — they were still more on the formal side, and nothing too crazy, but it still felt like a huge step for Jiyong. The shirts varied from t-shirts to button-ups - different patterns and cuts — and the pants, too. Jiyong couldn’t even remember the last time he had worn jeans — probably when he was in his twenties — but he had to admit that SooJoo was right; he _had_ nice legs, especially for his age and a tiny smile appeared on his lips.

 

His eyes travelled up and down his body and stopped when he saw his chest. Shirt he was wearing had a wide v-neck, not too much to be scandalous or something, but enough that his collarbones showed. Damn SooJoo and her eye for fashion, she was right.

 

“Did you change already? Come on, I wanna see it!”

 

He suddenly grew shy and slowly stepped out of the changing room — his left hand crossed over his chest, while her rubbed the back of his neck.

 

“I don’t know if this suits me — I‘m not in my twenties SooJoo. Maybe I should just-”

 

“You look amazing!”, SooJoo walked up to him and pulled his arm away to look at the whole outfit. “I knew you’d look good in a tighter cut of pants — look at your legs! I’m pretty sure when Seunghyun sees you the next time he will jump you for sure and don‘t give me that crap about not being in your twenties anymore — you still don‘t look a day older than thirty, which is both frustrating and impressive!.”

  
“Sssssh!”, Jiyong quickly covered her mouth and looked around. They were alone, thank god, but he still felt uneasy about the idea of him openly talking about his sexual orientation. Besides, it made him blush as soon as he thought about it. What would Seunghyun think of the new clothes? Would he like them? Seunghyun had only ever seen him in his business clothes which meant boring suit, boring shirt, boring tie — even when they met at the ballet he was wearing a plane looking suit.

 

He was about to tell SooJoo to fuck off, because she was looking at him with a smug smile on her lips, when his phone suddenly went off. “This isn’t over yet.”, he sneered at her, but had to laugh as soon as he turned around and picked up the phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Dad?”

 

Jiyong froze. A thousand thoughts suddenly raced through his mind - what had Chaerin told their son about him not being home? Had she told him that he was gay?

 

“Hey, Binnie. You okay?”

 

“I should be asking you - I came home last night to mom crying and you weren’t home and when I asked her what was wrong she wouldn’t tell me. Did you had a fight? When are you coming home?”

 

Jiyong closed his eyes and sighed, fleeting back into the small changing room and sat down on the chair in the corner. “It’s complicated right now, Binnie.”, he paused for a moment, trying to think about what he should say, “To be honest, I don’t know when I will be coming back home.” If he would come home at all - he hadn’t thought about it at all, but now he wasn’t so sure if he even wanted to go home to Chaerin. He wanted to be with Hanbin, that was for sure, but he also wanted to finally life his own life and that did not include living together with Chaerin as if they were still together like they had used to be.

 

He heard sniffing noises on the other line. Hanbin was crying.

 

“Are you gonna get a divorce?”

 

“I’m not sure. Chaerin and I haven’t really talked about anything yet and I think she will need sometime before she can speak to me again so I am not pushing it. I know, this is hard on you, but no matter what I am still your father and I love you so much, Hanbin - don’t ever forget that, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Hanbin was still crying, but he sounded a bit better — maybe Hanbin just needed to hear and feel that Jiyong was not going anywhere? Had he feared the worst case scenario that Jiyong just got up and left him behind like that? Certainly not.

 

“Hey, Binnie. How about we meet up tomorrow and go to Lotte World together? It’s been a while and I really want to spent some time with you — how does that sound? You can also bring Bobby if you want.”

 

“Sure, dad! I would love to! But I am not sure about Bobby, he said he and his mom planned something for tomorrow so he probably won’t be able to make it.”

 

“We’ll simply drag him along next time, how does that sound?”

 

“Perfect! Will you come and pick me up at - let’s say eleven?”

 

“Okay, see you then Binnie. I love you.”

 

“Love you too, dad!”

  


When Jiyong walked out of the changing room again, SooJoo grabbed all the clothes she had picked for him and dragged him towards the checkout and Jiyong was already hoping that this day would come to an end, but it was far from it actually, because SooJoo was also hellbent on him going to the hair salon and getting his hair dyed — or bleached. Whatever the terms were, Jiyong had no chance to do anything but say yes and after two hours, which had been filled with SooJoo discussing haircut and color for Jiyong with one of the hairdressers, he was finally done. His former dark brown hair had been a bit on the longer side, but after the hairdresser was done his hair was shorter — especially on the sides of his head and at the back, close to his nape — and lighter. It wasn‘t too extreme, just the right amount and Jiyong had to admit that he really liked it and it was actually the first time ever that he had died his hair. He marveled at how soft and nice his hair felt after the procedure and couldn‘t stop looking at his new hair color — it was a chestnut brown, mixed with a tinge of red; nothing too extreme and he could still pass as professional when doing presentations for his boss.

 

Plus he got really curious if Seunghyun would like it.

  
  
  


The next day was spent with his son — he picked up Hanbin in the morning (Jiyong waited in the car until Hanbin came out, it didn‘t feel right to just march into their apartment like that), drove with him to Lotte World and spent a small fortune on food, sweets and too many rides. It was the first time since Harin‘s accident that he had seen Hanbin laugh so freely — Bobby had done a fantastic job to keep him happy, but laughing until he cried while nearly doubling over? That he hadn’t seen in a while and Jiyong swore to himself that he would spent more time with making his son laugh and happy.

 

Hanbin also took way too many selfies that day — not that Jiyong complained, not at all. Actually he was happy about that since normally Hanbin didn‘t like to get his picture taken and was the one taking the pictures, but not today. Before and after rides, while they were goofing around — and especially when their food arrived at their table. It was endearing, but a small part of Jiyong suspected that Hanbin feared that if (more like; when) Chaerin and he would get a divorce, he would forget about Hanbin and just drop him. It probably had to do with the fact that Bobby didn‘t have the best relationship with his father, but that was only a speculation.

 

The sun was already setting and they were sitting on one of the benches in the outdoor area of the theme part — Hanbin was still munching on the oversized cotton candy he had bought him a few minutes ago, while Jiyong enjoyed a cup of coffee. It was a peaceful atmosphere and Jiyong enjoyed every second of it, since it wasn’t often that he had such a peaceful moment with his teenager son. Especially in the last few weeks.

 

He was about to ask if Hanbin was ready to go home, when his phone rang — Jiyong could tell by the song he picked that it was Chaerin and he got an uneasy feeling in his stomach.

 

“Hey mom-“, Jiyong couldn't hear what she was saying to their son, but Hanbin suddenly jumped up, dropped his cotton candy and exclaimed a “Oh god, really!?“ rather loudly, before he turned around to Jiyong with a huge smile on his lips.

 

“Harin is awake!“, he was still holding the phone and Chaerin was talking to him, but Hanbin wasn‘t listening — not really at least. He started to talk, but got shushed by an angry sounding Chaerin that probably scolded him for not listening. He got quiet again, but still smiled as he listened to his mother.

 

“Okay - okay, yes.“, a small pause, “Sure, I‘ll be there shortly!“, Hanbin ended the call and Jiyong couldn‘t help but stand up as well and within seconds he had an armful of his son crying happy tears. “She‘s awake, she is finally awake!“

 

Jiyong felt the wetness of Hanbin‘s tears on the side of his neck as he hugged his son tightly — tension was finally fleeting his body; a tension he hadn‘t even realized he still carried inside of him.

 

Hanbin pulled back from the hug, looking at his dad; “Mom said that we should come to the hospital! Harin seems to be in a really good shape and she said she probably would be happy with seeing us — can we please go?“

 

Jiyong suddenly felt a burst of warmth in his chest — as soon as Hanbin had said that Harin was awake, he had feared that Chaerin wouldn‘t want him there, but apparently that was not the case. He returned his son‘s smile and nodded.

 

“Sure, Binnie. Let‘s go.“

  
  


Thirty-five minutes later they entered the room where Chaerin was already sitting next to Harin — her eyes were red, but she looked happy and relaxed; at least until she saw Jiyong. Her shoulders tensed up, but she quickly tried to cover it up. Hanbin didn’t notice any of that though — the second he saw his aunt he made a beeline for her and hugged her tightly.

 

Jiyong walked further into the room with unsure steps — but as soon as Harin smiled at him he mentally said ‘fuck it‘; she was like a little sister to him and he wouldn‘t be awkward with her because of what had happened. He pulled her into a tight hug, before letting go and affectionately patting her head. Hanbin was already glued to her side again, held her hand and just started to ramble about random things — things she had missed, things he wanted her to know and as cute as it was, Jiyong knew that it was probably the best if Harin got some rest - she only woke up today, it was already a miracle that she was awake that long without feeling tired or exhausted.

 

But Hanbin still didn‘t want to leave her side so Jiyong gave up for the moment and sat back — his eyes roamed around the room from Harin to Hanbin to Harin again and finally to Chaerin. He caught her looking at him, but she quickly looked the other way and simply held onto her sisters hand. It hurt that she couldn't even look at him, but he told himself that he would wait and not push her.

 

Jiyong got up from his seat and stepped out of the room for a moment to get himself a cup of coffee — he didn’t want that Hanbin and Harin caught on the tension between him and Chaerin, this was supposed to be a happy moment and he wasn‘t going to ruin this for his son.

 

The hospital walls and floors were in the typical blank white and the uncomfortably bright light didn’t help either — everything smelled steril and Jiyong just wanted to get out; he had always hated that hospital smell and it always made him nauseas. He still didn’t know how he hadn’t thrown up when Chaerin had been in labor — obviously Chaerin was the one that was in more pain and agony than him, but normally he really couldn‘t inhale that smell for longer than an hour before he got sick, but he had been so high on hormones and serotonin that he apparently had been able to forget about that.

 

He stepped outside — the automatic doors closing behind him — and reached for his pack of cigarettes. Lighter, flame — and the cigarette was burning and he inhaled the nicotine; it calmed him down. Jiyong took out his phone and looked through all the pictures Hanbin had taken of them today (he had sent them to him via Line) and set one of his favourite pics as his background (it was one of the pictures where Hanbin was stuffing his face with Churros, chocolate sauce smeared on his lips and cheeks and was looking a bit surprised since that picture had been taken by Jiyong while he hadn‘t really been paying attention. On his head there was a headband with fluffy ears and a bow and he looked just like he did when he was five year old.)

 

Jiyong stretched his limbs — today had been such a good day. First, he got to spent his time with his son — having fun, laughing, taking pics and just bonding over their love for theme parks and rides. Secondly, Harin finally woke up. She was healthy — still a bit weak from being in coma that long - but healthy, and that was all that mattered. Things seemingly finally got a little bit better; Chaerin telling Hanbin that they both should come was a small sign that gave him hope, too. If she really hated him, she would have made sure that he wouldn‘t even be able to set one foot into the hospital let alone invite him to come over with Hanbin and see her sister.

 

As so often, he had to think of Hanbin in this situation. Nowadays the only two things he could think about were Hanbin and Seunghyun. When he and Hanbin had been sitting on the bench, looking at the sunset, he had been close to telling him what was going on between him and Chaerin and why he most likely would not come back to her — but then that phone call cut him off before he could even do so much as open his mouth. While he had realized that there really was no perfect moment to come out to someone, he did realize that being tactful was a huge factor still, which meant he couldn‘t do it now and he really would like to talk to Chaerin about it first, too, but that would probably still take some time.

 

He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose — this was frustrating. Especially since he still hadn‘t had the time to talk to Seunghyun. Whenever he planned to finally ask him if he had time to meet up, something would come up and it was driving him nuts. Jiyong quickly opened Line and decided to shoot Seunghyun a message, before something could come up again and stop him. It wasn‘t a long message, just a short ‘Hey how are you big guy? Wanna meet up tomorrow for lunch or after work? There is something I‘d like to talk to you.‘ and then he hit sent.

 

To his surprise the answer came within a minute.

 

Seunghyun [19:57]

 

hey, I sadly don‘t have much time tomorrow,

but if you want we could meet up after work?

I will have to leave early probably though,

but it has been a while since we last saw each

other and it would be good to see you again.

 

Jiyong could feel the blush on his cheeks - so Seunghyun had missed him? Did he read that right? It certainly sounded like he had.

 

Jiyong [19:59]

 

sounds good! I should be done around 5 pm,

wanna meet up at our usual café? mby

fifteen minutes later? would that work for you?

 

Seunghyun [20:01]

 

perfect, see you then (:

 

Jiyong pressed the back of his hand against his mouth, trying to cover up the big smile on his lips - he was going to see Seunghyun tomorrow. He was going to see Seunghyun tomorrow! The fact that he was busy and made time for him and that he wanted to see him sent a wave of butterflies through his tummy and filled his chest with warmth. Maybe the universe finally did play out in his favor — maybe starting tomorrow his life was going to get easier.

 

He put his phone away and lightened another cigarette.

 

Life was good.

  
  


Work was a nightmare the next day — meetings dragged on for hours, emails just got more and more and no matter how much coffee Jiyong drank he still felt tired and drained. Hanbin and Chaerin had stayed much longer than technically legal at the hospital thanks to Jiyong — Hanbin had used his puppy eyes on him truthfully speaking he had always been weak for those - because he had somehow managed to charm the nurses into letting them stay a bit longer (and prayed that none of the doctors would catch them and throw them out). In the end they stayed until Harin had fallen asleep again and Jiyong had driven them home — Chaerin didn‘t had a driver's license and no car and Jiyong really didn‘t want to let them both drive home by public transports that late. They had all been so tired that they hadn‘t said much during the ride home — Hanbin had even fallen asleep with his face pressed against the window. His son was the first to leave the car and Jiyong was getting ready to drive off when he suddenly felt a soft touch on his shoulder — Chaerin. She only said a simple ‘thank you‘ before she stepped out of the car, but it meant so much to Jiyong.

 

The only thing that made him push through this day was the fact that he was going to see Seunghyun later. He got so nervous about it that it started to fuck with his fine motor skills, because his hands just didn‘t want to cooperate — which sucked given the fact that he was an architect and needed to draw precisely when drawing the technical sketches — but his fingers just wouldn‘t hold still that day. He gave up in the end and drank another coffee - that was probably also why he was so jittery, he couldn't remember when the last time was that he had so much coffee in just one day (probably when he was still in university). It was a vicious circle — he couldn‘t sit still so he got up to get himself some coffee and to walk around the office a bit, but then he would sit down again to actually drink his coffee and get some work done and the coffee would kick in and he wouldn‘t be able to sit still so he would get up to get more coffee. It got so far that one of his co-workers, who was usually the one who couldn't sit still and drank too much coffee (and also had the biggest bags under his eyes Jiyong had ever seen), flipped at him because he couldn't concentrate on his own stuff if Jiyong was practically buzzing with nervous energy next to him.

 

When the clock finally said it was time to go, Jiyong was so fast out of the door. He could feel the eyes of some of his co-workers at the back of his head, but he really wanted to get out and he really,   _really_ did not want to get a last-minute assignment from his boss. He was so motivated to get out that he even took the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator, which was a miracle itself, since he usually avoided the stairs like the plague since his ankle surgery a few years ago.

 

He stumbled out of the building and five minutes later he was at the café — ten minutes too early, but he had somehow speed-walked to the place. The café was averagely full, but most people sat in the front and rarely at the back so Jiyong decided to walk to the back of the café. He didn‘t really want someone to eavesdrop on what he had to tell Seunghyun — it was private after all.

 

Minutes went by and he tried to busy himself with the menu until Seunghyun finally walked through the door — his hair was a bit of a mass, as if he had run his hands through it in frustration and he looked tired. Jiyong immediately felt bad for him as he remembered the new case Seunghyun was working on and as soon as Seunghyun sat down, Jiyong pushed the coffee he had ordered for him just a minute earlier towards the older man who gladly took it. He made the first sip of coffee and groaned.

 

“First coffee of the day and I really needed one.“

 

“First? Don‘t you normally run on coffee and cigarettes only?“

 

“That was before the coffee machine in our office broke down and Dongwook, my boss, decided that now it is forbidden to smoke in the office or even on the balcony, because his wife scolded him for smoking too much — especially thanks to this case.“, Seunghyun chuckled and took another sip of the hot beverage.

 

“So, I take that the case is really exhausting to work on? Do you still have a lot to do?“

 

“Yes, and no. This was probably the hardest one for our firm, since it was really difficult to prove our clients innocence, but we finally did it. Today was the final verdict in court and he was freed from all charges and allegations. It was a mess and I probably have more gray hair than before on my head, but it‘s finally done and now have the rest of the week off and the first half of next week, too and I can‘t tell you how much I am looking forward to sleeping in, cuddling my dog and just forming a symbiosis between me and my bed.“

 

Seunghyun looked adorable at the moment - his features were soft and sweet, his lips forming a warm smile and his eyes were shining and if Jiyong looked close enough he could swore that there was even a faint blush on his cheeks. God, he just wanted to cuddle and hug and kiss this man all day long (among other things, but baby steps, Jiyong, baby steps!).

 

“But enough about me and this boring case, what‘s new with you? I see you have dyed your hair — looks amazing if I might say, makes you somehow look even younger than you already look. I swear, whenever I meet you I feel like a grandpa — how come you are forty-five and look like thirty or something and I‘m just a bit older than you, but look like I belong into a retirement home?“

 

A surprised giggle broke through and Jiyong had to blush — this man was ridiculous.

 

“I just have a terrible baby-face and shut up! You don‘t look old at all - you look devilishly handsome, okay? I mean, you are more than just good looking, you have manners, deep voice and are tall. What more do you want? Compared to you I look like a baby sloth!“ Seunghyun shook his head while Jiyong spoke.

 

“If you are a baby sloth then I am an awkward giraffe. You can‘t change my mind that you look amazing, Jiyong and you are one of the sweetest people I know. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder — remember?“

 

Jiyong bit his lip — this man was driving him nuts on so many levels he couldn‘t even put it into words and he just wanted to reach out and kiss him.

 

“Seunghyun? There is actually something I wanted to talk to you about.“, he suddenly felt shy and his voice was small and his eyes darted nervously from Seunghyun‘s eyes to his coffee cup and back to Seunghyun, who was placing his own cup back on the table and looked at Jiyong.

 

“Oh, yes I remember. You mentioned something over text — is everything okay?“

 

“Well, actually I-“

 

Jiyong was a peaceful man — more or less, he knew he sometimes had a little bit of a temper, but overall he was a man that seeked out a peaceful lifestyle — but as Seunghyun‘s phone started to ring, he was close to homicide. What was it with cell phones and their bad timing? A lot of things were shit when he was younger, but he somehow actually missed the times when no one had a damn cell phone — especially in moments like this.

 

Seunghyun cringed as he reached for his phone and looked mildly alarmed and nervous as he saw the caller ID. “I‘m sorry, I have to take this one.“, he apologized once again, before he got up and stepped out for a moment and Jiyong was ready to rip his hair out. He couldn‘t really see Seunghyun when he was outside, but when he entered the café again he spotted him immediately.

 

“I‘m so sorry, Jiyong, but I mixed up dates and I need to go now pick up Yeonjun. Is it okay if I call you back tomorrow or so? I‘m really sorry, but this case has been messing with me and I completely forgot.“

 

Jiyong tried to not show his disappointment or the stab of jealousy he immediately felt. He simply smiled and nodded. “Sure, Hyung.“

 

Seunghyun offered him a warm smile, before he grabbed his things and ran out of the door.

  
  


The next day came and Seunghyun didn‘t call and not the day after either. Jiyong tried or play it cool, to be plausible about this and not feed into the thought that Seunghyun had forgotten about him and instead was maybe busy with — what was his name again? Yeonjun? But it didn‘t help and instead of ignoring the heavy feeling in his stomach he mopped around and even snapped at SooJoo when she asked what was wrong with him, which he felt bad about two minutes later and apologized and offered to pay for her drinks when they went out the next time. SooJoo gladly took that offer and in the end forced him to get dressed and go out with her to her favorite bar — Jiyong didn‘t mind; the next two days were public holidays after all so he wouldn‘t have to go to work.

 

The bar was reminded Jiyong a bit of what he imagined an Irish pub would look like and the drinks they offered were incredibly good and after the second he finally spilled what was bothering him.

 

“So he hasn‘t called yet?“

 

“Nope.“

 

“—and you haven‘t called him either?“

 

“Nope.“

 

“Maybe you should?“

 

“Nope, why? He said he would call, but he didn‘t.“

 

SooJoo sighed. “—and you don‘t know who that Yeonjun guy is?“

 

“I have no idea and it‘s annoying, because my first thought was that Seunghyun maybe has found someone who he likes and I just can‘t stand that thought. Especially not with the way he smiled at me when we met up for coffee the other day, you can‘t tell me that was just platonic.“, Jiyong rubbed his hands over his face, groaned and let his head fall on the table.

 

“Oh-oh..“

 

Jiyong‘s head snapped up.

 

“Oh-oh?“

 

“Ji, for your mental health it probably would be better if we would leave now, because—“, but Jiyong didn‘t listen. Instead, he twisted his head around in the direction SooJoo was looking at and nearly snapped his wine glass in half as he spotted Seunghyun — who was currently being nearly jumped by a twenty-something year old, hugging him tightly with a big smile on his face, before they pulled apart again and sat down in one of the booths. There were two other people as well, a woman and a men, who were probably around Seunghyun‘s age, but he couldn‘t tell. But what he saw clearly was how that young thing continued to be glued to Seunghyun‘s side and how the other two people smiled fondly at that and Jiyong could feel rage bubbling up in his stomach — maybe mixing whiskey on the rocks with Desperados and then wine wasn‘t the best idea.

 

SooJoo was saying something to him, trying to pull him away, but Jiyong wouldn‘t budge — instead he snapped at the bartender that was walking past them to get them more drinks and leaned back in his seat to watch the scene a little bit further. So, Seunghyun was fucking some twenty year old twink? Had he reached that age where he had a midlife-crisis? Jiyong snorted bitterly at his own thoughts as he knocked back the last of his wine. SooJoo had by now given up to try to get his attention and simply pushed the new drinks the bartender had got them in front of him and sighed.

 

Seunghyun couldn‘t see them since he had turned his back to them. Drink after drink and the twink didn‘t leave Seunghyun‘s side. Instead, he laughed at everything Seunghyun said and continued to touch his shoulder and he even went so far to fling his arm around his neck and took a picture with him on his phone.

 

As Jiyong saw that he nearly threw the tequila shot in his hand at that twink. How dare he touch Seunghyun like that and how dare Seunghyun not to push him away.

 

After sometime, Seunghyun got up and made his way over to the restrooms. Perfect — Jiyong shot up as well and stomped after him with a pissed off expression on his face. He vaguely registered SooJoo saying about ‘not causing a scene‘, but he flipped her off and ignored her.

 

Jiyong waited for a moment, before he followed Seunghyun into the restroom (he still held his full wine glass in his hand, but he didn‘t care) and found him standing at the sink — back to him — washing his hands. He simply waited for the other man to turn around and didn‘t say anything — he crossed his arms in front of his chest, with one hand holding up the wine glass, and thought about the best way to whoop this guy‘s ass (which would have been easier if he wasn‘t on the verge of being drunk).

 

When Seunghyun finally turned around a brilliant smile crossed his features along with a happy ‘Jiyongie!‘, but that quickly died down when he saw the other man‘s sour expression and felt the wine in his face.

 

“Having fun, aren‘t you?“, Jiyong didn‘t even try not not sound like he was pissed off, because he was and he wouldn‘t spare Seunghyun.

 

“Uh, actually yes. Jiyong — why are you so pissed?“

 

“I‘m not pissed.“

 

“You just threw your full wine glass in my face, I think that does indicate that you are pissed off, but I really do not understand why. What did I do?“

 

Jiyong had the biggest, tight-lipped, face smile on his face.

 

“Well, Seunghyunnie —“, his voice was sweet and low, “Why don‘t you ask your stupid date, huh? You just couldn't wait to find some twink to forget me, don‘t you!“, he threw the now empty glass into the trash can, “—and I was actually stupid enough to think that you would wait for me, but here we are! I come out to my wife, telling her that I am gay and in love with a man, so I can finally be with you and what are you doing? Find some twenty-something year old as a replacement!“

 

“Jiyong, no. Wait—“

 

“Oh, fuck you, Choi! Spare me with your excuses!“

 

Jiyong turned around and stormed out of the restroom — Seunghyun tried to grab him, but Jiyong ducked out of his reach and threw the door shut and hit him in his face. He immediately grabbed SooJoo, threw some cash at the bartender, and was out of the door and down the streets within five seconds.

 

“—iyong! Hey, wait a second!“, they had walked down a few blocks already as SooJoo finally made him stop. “Do I even want to know what happened?“

 

“Men suck.“

 

“Obviously, yes. I know that. What else is new?“

 

“I threw my drink in his face.“ — his rage slowly ebbed away and the jealousy started to face up again, leaving him hurt and vulnerable. “This asshole couldn‘t even wait one more week, before he found himself some stupid twink to fuck—“, he blinked away the tears. Damn — he knew he was a messy drunk and his feelings always were all over the place if he mixed too many different drinks, but he really did not need that right now.

 

“Okay, okay — ssh, please don’t cry, okay? He is an asshole so how about we go back to my place and just have some fun, take of your mind — how does that sound?“

  
  


Apparently, SooJoo‘s idea of fun involved a lot of make-up, high-heels and any clothes she could find Jiyong would fit in and — oh yes of course, a platinum-blond, long wig. It was probably an hour or so later and Jiyong found himself getting painted with make-up by SooJoo, already dressed up in high-heels, a pleated skirt that hit him right above his knees, tank-top and an awfully expensive looking faux fur coat. Jiyong had stopped asking SooJoo where she always got these things from when she started to shoot models for fashion magazines twenty-something years ago. She had modeled a bit on the side as well, but mostly stayed behind the camera and she had always wanted him to dress up in women‘s clothes, but he had always been too shy to do that — well, until now.

 

He had already given a mental middle-finger to his father and to the way he was raised, might as well do something as crazy (by his narrow standards) as dress up in drag and have a photo shooting in SooJoo‘s home studio. There were more drinks and it was fun and Jiyong really liked being in the spotlight like this — he had never had the opportunity to do so and now that he had he was going to give everything. It probably also helped that he was drunk, but he felt good — like really, fucking good. He hadn‘t felt this good in a long time and he couldn‘t help but strike poses whenever SooJoo told him to do so. Shoulders back, head slightly tipped backwards to jut out his chin, chest out — whatever SooJoo told him to do he did and she snapped away on her camera. — at one point he was pretty sure he posed almost like a porn actress on the cover of a Japanese magazine, but whatever. It was fun to mess around like that and he trusted SooJoo with his life.

 

It was so much fun, Jiyong didn‘t even realize how tired he was getting from posing until SooJoo told him that he could sit down on the couch now and that she would look through the pics on her laptop and pick the best. She asked for his phone and he unlocked it and handed it to her and three seconds later he fell asleep on the couch.


	10. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually managed to finish this chapter on my way home from the wedding I attended lol 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it! 
> 
> Comments are appreaciated like always (:

Birds were chirping, the sun was shining and Jiyong woke up with a stiff neck and a tongue that tasted worse than death — why did you always have to wake up like that when you had gotten drunk the previous day? The only thing that was a positive revelation was the fact that he, for once, was not hangover. His body hurt from sleeping wrong all night (one arm thrown over his head, while sleeping on his side with his legs spread wide and he somehow also laid half on top of the armrest), but other than that he was fine. His feet hurt and as he looked down he quickly realized why — he was still wearing the heels SooJoo had given to him. He was still amazed that she had shoes his size. 

 

Jiyong reached down with a groan and pushed them off his feet and placed them flat on the ground — oh boy that felt good. The muscles started to finally relax and he could swore it felt as if he was still wearing those damn heels, but the more he wiggled his toes and pressed the soles of his feet against the cool marble floor, the better it got. 

 

The wig he had been wearing last night had come off during the night and lay on the ground — blond strands spread out in every direction — and he nearly tripped over it as he slowly shuffled towards the bathroom. He heard SooJoo snoring in her room and he had to chuckle, but groaned the next second when his neck started to hurt again. Damnit, he had a perfectly comfortable bed in the guest room SooJoo had prepared for him, but he still fell asleep on that uncomfortable leather couch all the time. 

 

The first thing he did was nearly jumping out of his skin as he saw his reflection in the mirror — how much make-up had SooJoo smeared in his face last night? His eyelids were covered in black  _ whatever _ and smeared down his cheeks and wear those fake lashes? Jiyong took a closer look — leaning forward over the sink until his face was just a few centimeters away from the glass. His lips were colored in a bright red and the lipstick was completely ruined. He could also see that his skin was practically glowing — what was that called? Highlighter? Something like that for sure. Jiyong carefully reached up and pulled off the fake-lashes and nearly started to cry. How did girls put up with this kind of torture every time? This was terrible. 

 

During the next ten minutes he raided SooJoo‘s bathroom, trying to find something with which he could get rid off the make-up on his face and once he finally found what he was looking for he washed his face. To his horror most of the things SooJoo had used had been waterproof and were hard to get rid off — especially when he realized that she had also partly plucked and done his eyebrows. No wonder women always too so long to get ready, painting this on and getting it off again takes ages. He knew from experience that taking make-up off was a pain in the ass — he had done that for Chaerin every once in a while when she had gotten drunk and fell asleep before she could do it herself and even back then it had been frustrating. 

 

Once his face was more or less clean he brushed his teeth — and used the washmouth he had found, too to get rid of the terrible taste on his tongue — and jumped under the shower. Since there was nothing to do that day and SooJoo was still fast asleep he took his time. Jiyong washed his hair, massaged the shampoo into his skull and let it set in for a while, before he rinsed it out; then he grabbed the soap and washed his body, all while hot water continued to poor down on him and once he was done he simply stood under the stream and let the hot stream work out some of the kinks in his neck and back. It worked wonder and he finally felt himself relax. 

 

SooJoo had done such an amazing job with cheering him up the day before that he hadn‘t even had the time to be sad about the fact that Seunghyun had met up with that young thing, but now as he stood under the shower he couldn't help but think about it. He couldn‘t help but think about Seunghyun — he might have been a little bit drunk the day before, but he had seen how amazing the other man had looked like. Gone were the heavy bags under his eyes and he had worn a simple long-sleeved gray Henley shirt and dark jeans that hugged his ass. 

 

Jiyong felt himself stirr just at the thought at the other man and he hated himself for it, but he immediately gave in and reached for his hardening cock. He thought about the way Seunghyun smiled and how his dimples would form and how ridiculously cute he looked when he was laughing. He thought about how those strong arms felt around his own frame when they had hugged and Seunghyun had continued to hold him — his scent, how good he smelled and how weak he had gotten in the knees. He couldn’t help but fantasizes about what it would feel like to have his stronger body on top of his own, pressing him into the mattress while he kissed him senseless. Would his skin feel as soft as it did on his neck? Would he be sensitive? 

 

He reached with both hands to his cook; one hand circling his head, while the other one switched between massaging the base and shaft and touching his balls. It had been too long since he had been able to touch himself like that and with the images of Seunghyun on top of him Jiyong reached his high rather quickly and it left him completely breathless and dizzy. In the end, he had to take a second, colder shower to freshen up again. 

 

When he finally stepped out of the bathroom, fresh clothes and a towel around his neck with which he dried his hair, SooJoo was still asleep and Jiyong finally took a glance at the clock. It was only half past nine in the morning — he had woken up way earlier than he thought he had. 

 

He grabbed his phone from the couch and walked into the kitchen, starting to prepare some coffee while he switched the radio on and hummed along the song that was played right now — his phone started to buzz in his backpacked and he fished it out. Jiyong had just poured himself a cup, when he nearly dropped it onto the counter. 

 

Seunghyun had called and even left a few messages, but he really didn‘t know if the wanted to see the other man — partly, because obviously he had found someone to have fun with, and partly because he was a bit embarrassed that he threw a drink in his face. What was this, a k drama or his life? It certainly felt more like a k drama these days. 

 

Jiyong sighed and sat down at the coffee table next to the kitchen area, put down his mug and braced himself for what was about to come. He unlocked his phone and opened LINE to see what Seunghyun had texted him. 

 

He scrolled up and nearly threw his coffee mug. 

 

SooJoo, this bitch, had sent pictures of their photoshooting to Seunghyun — and from the looks of it she picked the most provocative ones and Jiyong immediately felt like crawling under the table and dying of shame. The poses hadn‘t felt this obscene. 

 

She had sent three pictures in total. 

 

In the first picture Jiyong was sitting on the floor of the studio, legs spread, chest and shoulders drawn back, while he was biting his lip and eye-fucking the camera; the skirt he had been wearing barely covered his private parts and he was suddenly really glad he had decided to wear the panties and not change into the thong SooJoo had proposed. The second picture wasn‘t much better — well, it was an amazing shot, but it still shot heat to Jiyong‘s face. In this shot he was Jiyong was laying on his stomach, with his hands holding his upper body up while SooJoo had taken a picture from above a little bit away from him — he was looking at the camera with an intense glare, while the coat he was wearing slipped off his shoulder and exposed his naked back. The skirt had been pushed up so it was nearly around his waist, right underneath his chest, and not on his hips where it should be. This way his ass was exposed and he didn‘t know if he had pushed his pelvis back or not, but he suddenly started to blush at the sight of his ass — it looked amazing. 

The next shot was just as obscene as the other ones. It was only a portrait so to say but  since it featured him licking whipped cream off a strawberry it wasn‘t less erotic as the previous two.

 

SooJoo had also sent a message with the pictures. 

 

_ This is what you are missing.  _

_ You still sure you made the right decision? xxx _

 

Fuck it, whatever Seunghyun‘s response to this was he would never ever be able to meet the other man again without blushing or dying because of embarrassment.  How could SooJoo do that? Was she insane? Probably. 

 

He still scrolled down to see what Seunghyun had sent to him.

  
  


Seunghyun [08:23]

 

Jiyong, what—

 

Seunghyun [08:23]

 

Oh my god.

 

Seunghyun [08:23]

 

Okay, this is it. We really need to talk, please? 

 

Seunghyun [08:24]

 

If I wouldn‘t be so turned on right now I‘d come over

right away, you — I can‘t even think. You are giving me 

a hard-on in public, do you know how bad this is?? 

 

Seunghyun [09:17]

 

You are probably asleep right now, but please, pick up 

your phone or call me back when you see this. Last night was

a huge misunderstanding and if you wouldn‘t have run away 

we could have cleared things up right away.

  
  


Jiyong looked at the clock. It was 10:31 right now, which meant Seunghyun had sent these while he had been in the shower — should he meet up with him? He felt hope bloom up in his chest as he read that it might have been a misunderstanding, but he also feared that Seunghyun might only be saying this to win him over after he saw the pictures. Also, he was so utterly embarrassed by the pictures he just couldn’t meet up with the older man — or could he? 

 

Jiyong [10:34]

 

I‘m so sorry. I was drunk last night. 

I‘m so embarrassed I don‘t think I am able to meet up with you. 

 

Seunghyun [10:35]

 

Please, I need to see you. 

  
  


Jiyong drummed his fingers nervously against the table and anxiously bit his lip. 

  
  


Jiyong [10:39]

 

..okay, fine. When and where? 

 

Seunghyun [10:40]

 

How about 12:00 at the park where we first met? 

Do you still remember where? 

 

Jiyong [10:41]

 

Of course. See you then. 

 

Seunghyun [10:42]

 

Can‘t wait. xxx

  
  


Jiyong put the phone down and tried to calm his beating heart — this was insane. Was he really going to meet up with him, even though he felt completely embarrassed by the pictures and just wanted to hide? He didn’t had more time to panic, because SooJoo finally shuffled out of her bedroom and into the kitchen and Jiyong nearly jumped her as soon as he saw her. 

 

“You idiot! How could you do this!“

 

She was still half asleep and obviously didn’t know what he was talking about. 

 

“What?“

 

He felt like he could strangle his best friend. 

 

“The pictures! Why did you sent them to Seunghyun?!“

 

“Oh, that.“, Jiyong felt as if a vein was popping in his head, “I thought it would be a good revenge, you know? You looked amazing and come on, why would he want to have that inexperience kid, if he could have you?“

 

“Well, that would have made sense if I actually were experienced! But I am not! I never had sex with a guy so your logic is invalid you moron — and seriously? I‘m so pissed at you and now he wants to meet up and-“

 

“Wait, he wants to meet you?“

 

“Yes, but that’s beside the point and-“

 

“So, it  _ did _ work!“

 

“SooJoo, no. This was not what this is about. This is-“, but SooJoo simply waved him off. “Shush, you can thank me later — when and where are you guys meeting?“

 

Jiyong rubbed the bridge of his nose. “At 12:00, at the park near my apartment. Why?“

 

His friend squealed in excitement and dragged him into his room, already going through his clothes to find the best possible outfit for him (without coming off as trying too hard of course). Jiyong had mixed feelings — should he hug or hit SooJoo? As she pushed him into the bathroom to change, he decided that that decision could wait. Right now, all that occupied his mind was Seunghyun and whatever misunderstanding he wanted to clear up between them. He just hoped the conversation would be over soon otherwise he would probably die of shame. 

  
  


It was fifteen minutes before they were supposed to meet up and Jiyong could already see Seunghyun sitting on one of the benches — was Seunghyun maybe as nervous about this meeting as he was that he showed up early just to make sure he wasn’t late? Normally, Jiyong was always fashionably late and the only reason why he was early now was 1) SooJoo dropping him off at the park 2) his nerves. 

 

He slowly walked up to the other man with silent steps until he was only a few steps away from him — heart in his throat. 

 

“Hey, Hyung..“

 

“Hey, Jiyong. Coffee?“ 

 

The older man extended his hand and held out a fresh cup of coffee — it was hot, did he get it just for him? He thankfully took the paper cup and sat down next to Seunghyun. The bench was wide enough for them to sit comfortably next to each other, but Seunghyun had taken a seat closer to the middle than one of the sites so their shoulders were touching. 

 

“So, I think we should talk about what happened yesterday and why I didn‘t call back when I told you I would..“

 

Jiyong‘s cheeks were burning and he groaned. “I‘m sorry, I shouldn‘t have dumped my wine on you — I wasn’t thinking, I was jealous and I was passed that you hadn‘t called.“

 

Seunghyun started to chuckle. “If you are already embarrassed by that it will be so much more embarrassing for you when I tell you who the guy was I was with — and I want you to know that I couldn't write back, because on my way to picking up Yeonjun I dropped my phone in a damn puddle and had it repaired until this morning.“ 

 

Jiyong felt all color drain from his face as Seunghyun reached for his wallet and took out a picture of him when he was younger (maybe twenty?) — in the picture he was sitting on a couch with his mom (he had already shown him pictures of his mom one day when they had talked a bit about their relatives) and next to him a young woman. Seunghyun was holding a baby — maybe a couple of months old and he was smiling brightly. Jiyong felt his heart melt at that sight. 

 

“Do you see the little one there? The one I‘m holding?“

 

Jiyong nodded. 

 

Seunghyun pulled out another picture — this time it was him in his probably thirties with a teenager on his back, they both were smiling at the camera and Jiyong started to realize that whoever the ‘twink‘ was, was someone close to Seunghyun‘s family. 

 

“Seems like you are finally putting pieces together, aren’t you?“

 

Jiyong remained quiet. 

 

“His name is Yeonjun and he is my sister’s son — my nephew. He was born when I was about twenty — my sister is five years older than I am and Yeonjun is twenty-seven now.“ 

 

Jiyong had to close his eyes for a moment as he buried his burning face in his hands. He had gotten this jealous over Seunghyun‘s nephew of all people. His  _ nephew _ . Jesus, what has happened to him? He had never been a jealous person — never, but now that Seunghyun had stepped into his life, everything seemed to change. Someone only had to  _ look _ at Seunghyun and he was ready to pounce, this couldn't be healthy. 

 

“I‘m so incredibly sorry.“, his voice was still muffled by his hands and Seunghyun started to laugh. “Don‘t be, it just showed me how much into me you are and that you really care — it was actually kinda cute seeing you this worked up, plus I got these amazing pictures of you and those are better than all the wet dreams I had of you.“

 

Jiyong groaned again and nearly curled into a ball of shame. Was this really his life right now? He peaked up at Seunghyun mentioning the dreams though. “You had wet dreams about me?“, he cracked a cheeky smile as he watched Seunghyun — for once — turn red (even his ears, god he wanted to grab them and kiss him). 

 

“Uh, well. I mean — you are pretty irresistible and you continued to flirt with me so — yes. Yes I did dream about you on several occasions.“ 

 

Jiyong leaned back and bumped their shoulders together. “You totally have a crush on me, don‘t you?“ 

 

Seunghyun laughed again, but it died down and he looked at Jiyong again. “Yes, and I am hoping this feeling is mutual.“ 

 

“It is.“, Jiyong felt the butterflies in his stomach go wild and the big smile on his lips just wouldn‘t disappear. “It is, and I am hoping that this could become something more, something permanent.“ 

 

“That depends.“, Seunghyun slowly reached for Jiyong’s hand and Jiyong took them, squeezing it affectionately, “Last night, you said something about coming out to your wife — is that true?“

 

“It is. It was shortly after the time you came over and more less gave me the ultimatum. I knew that it couldn't go on like that and I couldn't risk losing you for good — this dragged on long enough anyways and I am sorry that it took me so long to muster up the courage to come out to my wife and end it.“

 

“You don‘t have to apologize — I know how hard it is. Did she take it well? You are no longer wearing your ring, too. I assume you split up for good?“ 

 

Jiyong looked down at his right hand where once his wedding ring used to be — he had taken it off before he left to meet up with Seunghyun, it didn‘t feel right anymore and though it was odd to see his right ring finger naked and not covered in a silver band, he liked it better this way. “I think she took it relatively well? I mean, she kicked me out and we haven‘t talked since, but she also said that she needed time and I am giving her that — and I think she knows that whatever was between her and me is over. I mean, I am still Hanbin‘s dad and that won‘t change, not ever and I still see them both as my family in a way, but that part of my life is over and I am ready to start a new chapter and I really hope that you will play a big part in this.“

 

Seunghyun squeezed his hand and pumped their shoulders together. “I‘m really hoping that, too.“, another squeeze. “Hope you don‘t mind me asking, but where are you staying if your wife kicked you out?“

 

“I‘m currently staying at SooJoo‘s place right now but I will probably get a few more things from the apartment and then just drive to the house just outside of Seoul. It used to belong to my parents and we mostly only used it in summer when it is getting too hot, because it has a pool and all that. It will take me roughly one hour by train to get to work so it‘s not that much longer than getting through morning traffic whenever I drive to work now and I‘m actually kinda looking forward to getting out of the city a bit, too and you have to visit. It‘s quiet and I think you would like it.

 

“I‘d love to.“ 

 

Seunghyun continued to play with his hand and it made Jiyong swoon. 

 

“Have you also talked to your son?“

 

“Not yet, he wasn‘t home when I talked to Chaerin and the moment I wanted to tell him Chaerin called him, telling him Harin is awake and we spent the rest of the day in the Hospital — I haven‘t seen him since, he spends so much time with his boyfriend, I barely get to see him.“

 

“Young love, it‘s cute isn’t it?“

 

“As if we are too old for that — you certainly make me feel as if I am a teenager experiencing my first love.“, Jiyong bit his lip. Shit — had he said too much? They had just decided that they were going to be a  _ thing  _ and he was already talking about love. But as Seunghyun squeezed his hand and showed him the warmest smile he had ever seen grace his face, he knew it was the right thing. 

 

“You make me feel like that, too, Jiyong.“ 

 

Jiyong felt as if someone knocked the breath out of him. If they wouldn’t be in the middle of a park with so many people walking around, he would reach out and kiss him — but in Korea you don‘t do things like that out in public, not even straight couples showed affection like that when they were together in public. It made him miss New York, or other countries. If they would live somewhere else he could just reach out, grab him by his ears and kiss him stupid. 

 

Seunghyun seemed to be able to read his thoughts, because he held onto Jiyong‘s hand, pulled him up with a “come with me“ and dragged him through the park until they reached a vacant area — it was near the Han River, under a bridge. Jiyong vaguely remembered the place when he was young — he had often come down here to hide from his father and it made him melancholic for a moment, before Seunghyun came to an abrupt stop and faced him. 

 

“Tell me to stop if I am making you uncomfortable.“

 

Jiyong was confused for a second, but then Seunghyun cradled his face with both of his hands and pressed his lips against Jiyong‘s and everything was forgotten — all that he could think of was Seunghyun‘s soft lips, the way his big hands held his face, the thumbs that caressed his cheeks and he melted into it. He threw his arms around his neck and pulled him down a bit — he still had to stand on the tips of his toes, but he decided then and there that he  _ loved  _ that. He loved that Seunghyun was taller than him and that he had to stretch like that to kiss him. 

 

He felt strong arms wrap around his waist, securing him, pulling him flush against Seunghyun‘s chest while they continued to kiss — Seunghyun let his tongue slip between Jiyong‘s lips as Jiyong buried his hands in his hair and he couldn‘t hold back a breathy moan. His mind was in the clouds and his stomach wouldn’t stop making happy flips — he had never felt like this when kissing someone, anyone. Was this what it felt like to be in love? Truly in love? Jiyong could feel the deep rumble as Seunghyun groaned, depended the kiss and Seunghyun nipped at his lower lip with his teeth. His heart was beating so fast Jiyong was sure the older man could feel it hammering against his chest. Jiyong was so lost in the kiss that he didn‘t even realize at first that he was growing hard, but as soon as he felt the familiar tightness in his pants he pulled away from Seunghyun and stepped back — cheeks burning and panting heavily as he tried to cover the noticeable bulge in his pants, but Seunghyun just grabbed him again, placed his hands on his ass and pushed their groins flush against one another and Jiyong felt that he wasn‘t the only one getting hard. 

 

“You drive me just as crazy as I do you —- no need to get shy about what you want, Jiyong. If there is something you want, you just have to tell me and you can be sure that I would be more than just willingly to do it.“ 

 

Their faces were so close Jiyong could feel Seunghyun‘s hot breath against his cheek, their foreheads touching — but he suddenly started to feel shy. It was odd, over the past few months he had craved this man more than anything, had thought about him in every platonic and sexual scenery he could think off, but now that Seunghyun was offering he grew shy. What if he wasn‘t good? Seunghyun surely must have experiences with men — what if he wouldn‘t like what Jiyong had to offer? 

 

Seunghyun kissed the tip of his nose, his cheeks and then forehead — his hands wandered from his ass back to his jaw. “If you aren‘t ready for  _ this  _ yet, that‘s okay, too. I am never gonna pleasure you to do something you are not ready for, okay? I don‘t mind waiting and I want our first time to be as good as possible for you as I can make it.“ 

 

Jiyong has always been an emotional cryer and for some reason he felt tears swell up in his eyes, which Seunghyun brushed away as soon as he saw them drop.

 

“I‘m sorry — It‘s just, I have never — i have never done anything with a man, not ever and I guess I‘m just scared-“, he was too scared to voice his fears, but as he saw Seunghyun‘s warm and soft smile, he felt something tug in his chest. Seunghyun wasn‘t an asshole, he wouldn‘t make him feel bad about his body or what he had to offer or what not. 

 

“How about we start going on a few dates first? Just the two of us, get us to know a bit better in the romantic way. When it comes to dating, I am not someone that just jumps into bed with anyone right away. I know it‘s been years, but I am not really confident about my body, so I need some time until I feel secure enough to reveal that of me so if it is something body-related you are worried about, I really understand. We can take things slow and just see what happens — the typically getting to know each other when you first start dating.“ 

 

Jiyong kissed Seunghyun again — this time the kiss lingered, there was no tongue in valves and it was almost chaste and sweet compared to the make-out session they had a few moments earlier. It was full of emotions tho and Jiyong was so thankful to having met someone like Seunghyun. 

 

“Thank you, Seunghyun.“

 

“Never a problem.“

 

Jiyong giggled as Seunghyun continued to place chaste kisses across his face. 

 

“Then how about we go on a date right now? I love your new hair by the way, you look even younger than you already do — it suits you.“, Jiyong beamed. 

 

“Thank you.“, another quick kiss against the older man‘s lips. “-and yes let‘s go on a date. Anything specific you have in mind?“

 

Seunghyun simply smirked and pulled Jiyong after him. 

  
  


Seunghyun‘s idea of date consisted of many different things apparently — the first thing they did was grab something to eat at a restaurant Jiyong hadn‘t even know existed. It served many different types of food, but the best was probably the intestines Jiyong ordered. Seunghyun looked a bit mortified as he watched him eat, but Jiyong only had to smile at him, close-lipped, with a full mouth and Seunghyun was shaking his head with an equally big smile on his lips. 

 

The next thing they did was take a walk through the city, walking off the food a bit while talking about everything and nothing. Jiyong confessed that he was a huge fan of Kurt Cobain and the Bonnie and Clyde movie from 1967. He also confessed to being a huge romantic, even though he never really had the possibility to fully live out his love for it, because Chaerin was anything but and it also hadn‘t felt right. 

Seunghyun started to talk about how, even though he was still an adult, he still had some of the Bearbricks he had collected when he was younger and that even nowadays when he saw a Bearbrick he really liked he couldn't help but buy it. After annoying Seunghyun for fifteen minutes straight, he finally confessed how many he had collected up until now and Jiyong started to laugh uncontrollably as he heard the number — it were eighty-eight. Most of them were stored away in the basement, wrapped in bubble wrap and paper, but to Jiyong it was adorable still. Seunghyun only seemed like the put-together adult who was a always effortlessly beautiful and charming — while he was all that, deep down he was still a child and Jiyong loved that. He was just as much of a child at heart and it felt good to be able to finally confessed that he had an obsession with (mostly western) kids cartoons thanks to when Hanbin was little. (Though his currently favourite was a relatively new show featuring a blue cat, his adopted pet fish that got turned into a humiliated fish to fit in the family and the rest of his family — a blue temperamentally cat, her husband; a pink big rabbit and his little sister that happened to be a pink rabbit.) 

 

While they strolled through the city, Seunghyun got ice-cream for the both of them and being the kids at heart they were it didn‘t take long before one of them had ice-cream on their nose and cheek thanks to the other one pressing the cone in their face. It was fun and easy going and Jiyong felt like he had laughed more during one afternoon with Seunghyun than the last ten years with Chaerin. Seunghyun also had the magical ability to make him forget all his problems and worries — one soft swipe of his thumb over his ice-cream covered cheek and Jiyong immediately forgot how to think and breath. He also noticed that he had an similar effect on Seunghyun — 

 

Since the weather wasn‘t the best and they went to the Time Square Mall and went from shop to shop — Seunghyun watched Jiyong flaunt around the stores, looking at different clothes and trying them on and whenever he‘d wear tight pants, or a shirt with a wide collar, Jiyong could feel his heavy gaze on him. He would give him a once over, checking him out without holding back and Jiyong noticed how his eyes would linger when the reached his thighs or collarbones. Seems like SooJoo had been right after all — and Jiyong also realized how much he liked to tease Seunghyun. He would walk out of the changing room and walk over to the bigger full length mirror  _ to see if the fit was right  _ and then when he walked back into the changing room he would oh so conveniently reach for his pants on the floor while the curtain wasn‘t closed yet so Seunghyun had full view of his ass and Jiyong heard more than once Seunghyun‘s breath hitch — and it was a plus that he could see him stare at him, biting his lower lips, in the mirror.

 

They spent the rest of the day in similar fashion — just spending time with each other, having fun, goofing around and by the end of the day Jiyong‘s cheeks were already hurting from smiling so much all day long. Since Seunghyun‘s sister, nephew and the in-law were currently staying with him he sadly wouldn’t be able to meet up again tomorrow, but he invited Jiyong over to meet them Friday evening. He would cook for them. Jiyong said yes. 

 

It was already getting late and as much as Jiyong just wanted to spend the night with Seunghyun, they both knew they weren‘t ready for that yet (or at least Jiyong) which was why Seunghyun walked Jiyong back home — the night was quiet and peaceful and Jiyong slipped his hand in Seunghyun‘s coat pocket and held onto his hand while they walked to SooJoo‘s apartment. 

 

When they finally arrived at the apartment neither of them was ready to let the other one go just yet — they stood close; Jiyong‘s slim fingers playing with the fabric of Seunghyun‘s shirt by his stomach and Seunghyun practically looming over him. They were only a few centimeters away from one another. 

 

“I‘m glad we met up today and I really enjoyed spending time with you. I think I have never had so much fun on a date before — thank you.“

 

“You don‘t have to thank me for this, Ji, if all I have to thank you for saying yes to a date with me.“

 

Jiyong giggled. “Please, if we play that game I have to thank you for not getting mad when I threw my wine in your face.“

 

Seunghyun was about to say something, to continue this little game of theirs, but Jiyong shut him up by grabbing him by his ears and kissing him. The older one melted into his touch and back Jiyong up against the wall of the apartment complex — it was almost a lucky coincidence that the street lamps had broken right were they stood, because it gave them the secreticity of darkness and they could kiss each other in peace, without having to worry about people seeing them. 

 

Jiyong could feel Seunghyun‘s strong hands on his hips — thumb pressing against his hip bones, while fingers wrapped around the rest of his hips. He practically purred at that touch — his head was in the clouds as Seunghyun started to kiss him senseless and with a passion he has never experienced before. It made Jiyong feel breathless and he could just take everything Seunghyun did to him at this point and enjoy the moment. Their tongues swiping together, teeth biting lips and their panting. It was heated and Jiyong couldn't hold his hands still - his greedy fingers touching his stomach, chest, pecs, whatever could reach. He let his fingers wander upwards and as Seunghyun rolled his hips forward he buried his fingers in the short strands of his hair at the back of his neck and  _ tugged,  _ causing Seunghyun to grand and him to moan. 

 

They pulled away - cheeks flushed, breath labored and a deliriously happy smile on their lips as they stared at one another. 

 

Jiyong couldn't wait to see what it would feel like from now on to love this man. To date him, spend time with him and being loved in return. He had given up on experience love like this when he decided to marry Chaerin, but life has granted him another chance and he was going to do everything in his power to take this chance and now that he had Seunghyun here with him, kissing him senseless he felt as it he could take everything life threw at him. 


	11. eleven

To say that Jiyong was nervous about meeting Seunghyun‘s family was the underestimation of the century — what if they didn‘t like him? Were they supportive of Seunghyun being gay? Did they know about the incident of Jiyong throwing a glass of wine in Seunghyun‘s face? They probably did, since his sister, nephew and brother in-law were with him when it happened and he probably had to explain why he came back from the restroom covered in wine.

 

Jiyong tried to ignore the lump in his throat when he got dressed and when he did his hair. SooJoo tried to calm him down as well and talked him into applying the _tiniest_ bit of make-up to Jiyong‘s eyes. (It was barely noticeable, but just enough to make his eyes pop and SooJoo assured him that he looked utterly gorgeous so he just had to live with it). She also had helped with picking out something nice for him to wear — simple, black jeans and dress shoes. Black belt with a silver buckle and a maroon colored long-sleeved cotton shirt with a wide neck and on top of it a dark gray blazer. She also gave him a few rings, matching his outfit. Jiyong felt like it was maybe a little bit over the top, but SooJoo once again reassured him that he looked amazing and that he should be more confident when it comes to his looks.

 

He tried, but when he stood in front of Seunghyun‘s house, nerves were getting the best of him. His left hand held tightly on to the wine bottle and the right on the flowers he had gotten for Seunghyun‘s mom and sister — it was a bit old fashioned, but he felt weird just showing up without anything. He took one last deep breath, before he rang the bell — his heart was knocking hard against his ribcage and he tried to not seem to nervous, but as soon as Seunghyun opened the door with a big smile, it got so much worse. Jiyong was pretty close to being hysteric and Seungyhun just smiled as he pulled him into a tight hug, before closing the door behind him and leaning forward to kiss him, but Jiyong shied away.

 

“What if they see?“, he spoke in a low, hushed tone.

 

“Jiyong, I came out to my family a long time ago. They don‘t care — if it makes you uncomfortable I will keep my distance, but don‘t think you have to hold back because of me or my family. They ar thrilled to meet you, believe me.“

 

Seunghyun leaned down again, waiting for Jiyong to push him back, but it never happened — instead Jiyong placed the bottle and flowers on the commode right next to the entrance, stood on his tip-toes and kissed Seunghyun with his arms thrown around his neck. He smiled into the kiss, even more so when he heard the surprised gasp from Seunghyun, who then returned the kiss and even placed his arms around his waist. Jiyong slipped his tongue between Seunghyun‘s lips and moaned as he got to taste Seunghyun — he even tasted utterly delicious when they kissed.

 

He was about to deepen the kiss a bit more, when suddenly, he heard someone clear their throat next to them and Jiyong immediately let go of Seunghyun and jumped away from him as if burned, but the damage was already done. A woman, which he assumed was probably Seunghyun‘s elder sister, was standing in the doorway with a smug smile on her lips as her eyes darted back and forth between Seunghyun and Jiyong and Jiyong felt his cheeks heat up, even more so when he heard her chuckle.

 

“Seems like my baby brother is having fun, aren’t you _pumpkin_?“

 

“Pumpkin?“ Jiyong heard Seunghyun groan loudly as if in pain next to him and when he realized that that was actually a nickname for Seunghyun he couldn't stifle a giggle.

 

“Why are you still calling me that? You know I hate that stupid nickname — what did I ever do to you to deserve this mistreatment?“

 

“Well, for one — you are my baby brother, that was your first crime. Also, remember the incident with the frogs when you were five and hid them under my blanket? You triggered a life long phobia and I will pay it back by calling you embarrassing nicknames mom gave to you when you were a kid.“

 

“I hate you.“

 

“Aww, isn‘t he cute when he is getting all moody and broody?“, she walked over to her brother and pinched his cheeks — Seunghyun immediately turned away and rubbed his cheek. “Love you, too, _pumpkin_.“

 

Seunghyun continued to glare at his older sister and it was oddly endearing. Jiyong had an older sister as well so he knew all too well what it felt like to get teased like that — it didn't matter how old you were, older siblings would tease you until the end of the day.

 

His sister continued to ignore him and turned to Jiyong — a warm smile on her lips and she immediately pulled him into a hug. “It‘s good to finally put a face to all the stories Seunghyun has told us!“, she pulled away and looked at him for a second, “and he wasn‘t lying at all when he said that you were a handsome one. Seunghyun you picked good!“

 

Another groan from Seunghyun, but this time Jiyong stared at him with an endeared smile on his lips. “You think I‘m handsome?“

 

The blush on Seunghyun‘s face and ears was totally worth his sister‘s teasing.

 

“You guys are so cute! Come on — you have to meet the rest of the family! My husband had to leave for Busan so he couldn't join us today, but mom and Yeonjun are already looking forward to meet you!“

Jiyong sent one last smile in Seunghyun‘s direction and grabbed the wine and the flowers before he got pulled into the living room — Seunghyun just a step behind him. As soon as Seunghyun‘s mom saw them, a smile spread across her face and Jiyong immediately recognized some similarities between her and her son. She had the same dimples as her son.

 

“Hello, it‘s a pleasure to meet you Mrs.Choi.“, Jiyong bowed, but once again he got simply pulled into a warm hug.

 

“Just call me Seojoung, dear.“

 

Jiyong smiled at her a bit awkwardly, but was relieved. Seunghyun‘s family seemed to be really sweet and open-minded. It was probably the first time that he met someone older than him that wasn‘t completely repulsed by the mere _idea_ of two people ofthe same sex dating and it was so refreshing. He gave Seunghyun the wine — who had started to prepare dinner — and gave Hyeyoun and Seoyoung the flowers he had gotten for them. As soon as Hyeyoun got the flowers she cooed,

 

“Seunghyun! You‘ve got such a cute boyfriend, make sure to keep this one!“

 

Jiyong tried not to blush too hard at the term _boyfriends_ , but that was what they were now. Boyfriends. Jiyong had a boyfriend for the very first time in his life and it was Seunghyun. He didn’t know how he managed that, but whenever he thought about it he felt the butterflies in his stomach go crazy and a smile tugged at his lips.

 

They made their way over to the dining area when suddenly a young man, who Jiyong recognized immediately, stormed into the room with a huge smile on his face.

 

“Oh! Is Seung‘s boyfriend here already?“ Jiyong just stood there awkwardly and didn‘t really know what to do, but the kid just smiled brightly at him and shook his hand enthusiastically. “It‘s so good to meet you, finally! My uncle just wouldn‘t shut up about you — he was pining hard, you know? Oh, and when you threw your wine in his face? I laughed so hard! I mean, it is kinda funny that you thought that I was his boyfriend, but it was kinda cute, too if you think about it. He has been in love with you for so long, and now you are the one who got jealous and-“

 

“Yeonjun, that‘s enough!“, Seunghyun‘s deep voice boomed from the kitchen and the younger one finally let go of Jiyong‘s hand.

 

“Sorry, uncle dearest!“, he shouted back.

 

Yeonjun turned back to Jiyong with a shit-eating grin that only widened when he saw Jiyong blush. “Just saying, I haven‘t seen him like this with anyone else. Ever.“

 

“Yeonjun!“

 

“Okay, I won‘t say a thing anymore!“, but Seunghyun was already walking out of the kitchen rather fast with an angry look on his face and started to chase his nephew through the house, who started to shrike like a little kid. Within seconds Seunghyun had his nephew in headlock and dragged him through the living room. Yeonjun was already babbling out apologies, begging for his uncle to let him go, but all Seunghyun did was smirk and rubbed his knuckles against his nephew‘s head, messing up his hair in the process.

 

The rest of the evening passed in a familiar fashion — Yeonjun continued to tease Seunghyun and Jiyong both (turned out he was excellent at asking painfully awkward questions that are just too intimate to share with someone but your partner) and more often than not Seunghyun threw a napkin at his nephew or even a piece of salat. Seojoung had to make them stop before their bickering exploded into a full blown food fight, while Hyeyoun scolded the both of them.

 

It was probably the first time Jiyong saw a family, besides his own, being this open and honest with each other. The teasing, the way Seojoung dotted on her kids even though they were already adults, and how sweet their relationship was. Jiyong felt something tug in his chest for various reasons — the first reason was that Chaerin, Hanbin and he had been just like that as well. Having fun and just being a typical family and he really missed that aspect. He missed eating diner with Hanbin and hearing about his day and he missed all of them sitting together. The second reason was Seojoung — she was such a wonderful mom, sweet and caring and anything but the things his own mother had been like. She had mostly just stood by when his father broke out the belt and hit him, just watched when he broke his arm. She had always been cold, but seeing how sweet a mother could be to her son (even at his age) made him tear up. He always got a bit emotional when he saw parents taking care of their children — probably part of the reason why he more often than not had teared up whenever Hanbin had scraped his knee and Chaerin just took care of him with a warm smile and a gentle touch.

 

Jiyong never really had that type of bond with his parents, and while Seunghyun‘s father wasn‘t in the picture either, his mom made up for it. He mostly watched the scene unfold in front of him quietly, with a smile on his face.

 

They had just finished the main dish — Hyeyoun and Seojoung were preparing the dessert with Yeonjun trying to steal some cookies — when Seunghyun‘s hand landed on his thigh. Jiyong had felt Seunghyun‘s eyes on him all evening long, but didn‘t give in to the temptation because he knew once he did, Seunghyun would be all he could concentrate on. His hand was warm on his thigh and when Seunghyun started to draw small circles with his thumb on the side of his thigh, while the rest of his fingers dipped between his legs, dangerously close to his crotch, he couldn't help but squeeze his thighs together. He didn‘t push Seunghyun‘s hand away tho, if anything he pressed it harder against his thigh with his hands.

 

“Seems like you are enjoying the evening, aren‘t you?“ Seunghyun‘s breath tickled the side of Jiyong‘s neck and Jiyong quickly reached for his glass of wine. His boyfriend had scooted closer to him and his face was only a few centimeters away from his own and combined with his strong hand on his thigh he felt the familiar rush of arousal wash through his body.

 

He put the glass down again and smiled up at his boyfriend. “Yes, I am. You‘re family is lovely, Seunghyun.“ Jiyong didn‘t dare to kiss Seunghyun right now, because if he did he would probably jump in his lap and that wouldn't leave a good impression, not at all.

 

Yeonjun and the rest of the family joined them again and Seunghyun leaned back — his hand never left Jiyong‘s thigh though and it made him all giddy and the faint blush gracing his cheeks never left either.

 

Soon the wine was gone and Seunghyun‘s family all decided to go to sleep — Jiyong suspected it was their way of granting the couple a bit of privacy, which he was grateful for. The two of them put away the dishes, bumping their shoulders together whenever they passed each other and brushed their hands against thighs teasingly. There was a tension between them, the air getting thick and moist with heat and as they sat down on the couch in the living room it didn‘t take long until they were kissing. Seunghyun had made an awful pun about chairs and something Jiyong couldn‘t really remember, but he had laughed like an idiot and when he saw the pleased grin on Seunghyun‘s face he simply grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him into a heated kiss. They had been sitting next to each other and Jiyong quickly grew frustrated with the position and pushed Seunghyun back into the couch and sat down in his lap, one leg at each side of his hip and dived in for another kiss. Seunghyun gasped in surprise at Jiyong one second, but the next he leaned into the kiss, his hands grabbing Jiyong‘s hips with force and slipped down, grabbing his ass.

 

Jiyong felt as if he was flying — he loved the slight roughness in Seunghyun‘s touch, the desperation. It showed him how much the older man wanted him. His hands were everywhere — touching his cheeks, his neck, his shoulders, down to his pecs and he quickly undid the top three buttons on Seunghyun‘s shirt, slipping one hand between fabric and heated skin and he moaned out as he felt Seunghyun‘s fast heartbeat. His boyfriend couldn‘t seem to hold still either — his hands moved from his hips to under his shirt and Jiyong gasped when his fingers started to massage one of his nipples and played with them. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this turned on — or hard. His breathing was uneven and when Seunghyun thrusted his hips upwards, his hard cock rubbing against Jiyong‘s, he pulled back from the kiss for a moment and moaned out loudly. He quickly tried to muffle himself by burying his face in the crook of Seunghyun‘s neck, but Seunghyun reached for the back of his head, burying his fingers in his hair and tugged his head back and Jiyong swore he saw stars. No one had ever handled him like this, he had always been the one on top and while — technically speaking — he was on top right now, Seunghyun was the one in control and it felt mindblowing.

 

His boyfriend‘s lips found his neck and started to suck and bite lovebites into the tender skin, while tugging at Jiyong‘s hair again. Jiyong had to bite down on his own hand to muffle the moans that threatened to slip from his mouth — it just felt too good.

 

Seunghyun thrusted a few more times forward with his hips and let his short fingernails run across Jiyong‘s back and Jiyong was done — orgasm hit him hard and fast and he desperately rutted against Seunghyun as he rode it out. His abandon was twitching and he felt weak in his legs as he panted heavily against Seunghyun‘s neck.

 

Shit, he didn‘t know that petting could feel this good.

 

He moved his hips and slightly cringed at feeling cum sticking to his underwear — he had really just come in pants like a teenager. But he quickly noticed that Seunghyun was still painfully hard and by the way he was clinging onto Jiyong‘s hips with his hands he assumed that he really tried to hold back right now, but Jiyong wouldn‘t let that happen. With quick fingers he opened the fly of Seunghyun‘s pants — his fingers were trembling.

 

“Jiyong, you don‘t have to-“

 

But he didn‘t listen. He carefully pulled down Seunghyun‘s underwear and let his cock spring free — he licked across the flat of his hand and took Seunghyun in his hand. Precum was already dripping down the tip of his cock and made it easier to jack him off. At first, it was a bit odd — Jiyong was only used to touch himself like that, not another man so the angle was a bit tricky, but he quickly adjusted to it and a few seconds later he managed a good grip — his thumb massaging the slit on the tip — that made Seunghyun moan. It was as if someone sent liquid heat through him and something shortcut in his brain — he didn‘t know if he wanted to look at Seunghyun‘s face or cock more, but his mouth started to water when he saw his boyfriend‘s cock. He was big — bigger than himself — and Jiyong just wanted to take him into his mouth to see if he tasted as delicious as the rest of Seunghyun did.

 

He moved back a little, until he moved down from the couch, his knees hitting the floor and spread Seunghyun‘s legs so he could sit between them. Jiyong heard Seunghyun gasp and he smirked when Seunghyun leaned forward, looking down at Jiyong with disbelieve in his eyes — but that only encouraged Jiyong further. He took Seunghyun‘s cock in his hand again and licked against the tip. It was salty, in a way, but fuck he tasted good. He started to suck and lick at Seunghyun‘s cock — trying to figure out his weak spots and it was easier than he had thought it would be. Soon, his plush lips wrapped around the head and he started to bop his head up and down, taking more and more into his mouth every few seconds and the more he took into his mouth the more he started to love this. Jiyong felt Seunghyun grab his hair tightly and he moaned out, the vibrations causing Seunghyun to shudder and to grab his hair a bit tighter.

 

Jiyong slipped one hand down to his own crotch — he was getting hard again.

 

Jiyong moved his tongue against the head and the sensitive area right underneath the tip whenever he bopped his head upwards. One hand was wrapped around the area he couldn‘t reach with his mouth, jacking him lazily, the other one slipped down to his balls. He heard his boyfriend curse and slowly pulled off with a ‘pop‘, his eyes big and almost innocent as he looked up at his boyfriend — still licking the head and when he saw the utterly destroyed look on Seunghyun‘s face he took him in his mouth again and went to town.

 

It didn‘t take long and Seunghyun‘s thighs started to shake and abandon muscles twitched and he came inside Jiyong‘s mouth. Seunghyun had tried to push him off, but Jiyong had stubbornly continued to suck, wanting to taste Seunghyun and he wasn‘t disappointed. Some of the cum had spilled from his mouth and trickled down his chin and he could taste him on his tongue — it wasn‘t bad at all, he would even go so far to say that he loved to swallow. Jiyong was about to wipe off the cum, when Seunghyun suddenly kneeled in front of him, licking off the cum from his chin and kissed him with such intensity that Jiyong was being pushed back onto the carpet with Seunghyun on top of him. His boyfriend‘s hands were everywhere — touching his chest and pushing his shirt up to his armpits — and within seconds his lips wrapped around one of his hardened nipples and _sucked_. It was as if there was a direct line between his nipples and dick, because his dick twitched with every suck and bite and Jiyong fisted Seunghyun‘s hair while desperately moving his hips.

 

Seunghyun left kisses down his chest and stomach until he reached Jiyong‘s pants and undid them swiftly. Jiyong couldn‘t even fully comprehend what was happening, but suddenly Seunghyun took his cock in his mouth, sucked and just swallowed him down until his nose hit his pelvis and Jiyong felt like he was blacking out for a moment. Seunghyun‘s lips and tongue felt so good he even felt it in his toes. His fingers were still trembling, but this time not because he was nervous, but because he was so close and whatever Seunghyun just did with his tongue made Jiyong come so hard his eyes rolled back in his head.

 

It took some time until the nerve endings finally stopped buzzing, but his legs still felt weak and his breathing was uneven. His head lolled to the side, a well-spent, goofy grin on his face as he smiled at Seunghyun who had collapsed right next to him. They were both panting, drawing in air hungrily and then Seunghyun pulled Jiyong against him and breathed in his scent, while he buried his nose against Jiyong‘s throat.

 

Jiyong let his hands glide through Seunghyun‘s hair carefully, caressing the nape and letting his hands dip down so he could slightly scratch his nails up and down his back, right between the shoulderblades. Seunghyun hummed contently as he snuggled up against Jiyong.

 

“How on earth are you so good at this — I thought you never dated a man before?“, Seunghyun‘s voice was rough and deep and Jiyong smirked at how much effect he had on the older man.

 

“I haven‘t. This was my first time giving a blowjob, you know.“

 

“-and you‘re already the best, seems like I lucked out. I have a boyfriend that has it all, looks, brains, and a very talented tongue.“

 

Jiyong giggled.

 

“I think you are talking about yourself, baby.“

 

They continued to stare at each other for a few moments longer, before they started to kiss again — this time the kisses were slow and sweet, lazy strokes of tongues against one another and hands slowly caressing the other‘s skin.

 

Eventually, they had to get up and get dressed again though. It was more than just a bit uncomfortable to pull up the cum-stained underwear, but Jiyong would take a shower as soon as he got home anyways so he would just have to deal with it. As they got dressed, they continued to kiss and playfully smack each other and push each other — Jiyong‘s laughter filled the small space between them.

 

“Are you sure you don‘t want to stay? You can use my shower and borrow some clothes. It‘s already late and you did drink wine. It would be wiser you spent the night.“

 

“Are you sure you don‘t just want to seduce me?“

 

“Guilty as charged.“, Jiyong playfully hit his boyfriend‘s chest as he laughed.

 

“Are you sure you don‘t mind me staying?“

 

“I think you seriously underestimate how much I enjoy having you around.“, another quick kiss, “Come on, I‘ll get you some clothes so you can take a shower.“

 

Jiyong followed him quietly and thanked him when Seunghyun showed him to the bathroom and brought him a fresh set of clothes. He took a quick shower, while Seunghyun shut off the lights in the rest of the house, but his bedroom, and took a quick shower himself after Jiyong was done.

 

His heartbeat just wouldn‘t calm down — they had gotten each other off just an hour before, but for some reason Jiyong‘s heart was beating just as fast at the idea of sleeping next to Seunghyun for a night. Jiyong had already curled himself up under the blankets — dressed in an old oversized shirt and a pair of briefs from Seunghyun — when his boyfriend finally joined him.

 

Seunghyun didn‘t waste any time and pulled Jiyong closer to him — his head rested against the older man‘s chest and their legs intertwined. Jiyong moved one of his legs across Seunghyun‘s hip while his hand wrapped around him. Seunghyun wrapped his own arm, that Jiyong partly used as a pillow, around him and squeezed him a bit closer to him.

 

He took another deep breath and chuckled.

 

“Hm?“

 

“You smell like peaches.“

 

“I do?“

 

“Yes, I love it.“

 

Seunghyun chuckled in return. “How ironic, I am allergic to peaches — at least their skin. I love to eat them, but can‘t touch them.“

 

Jiyong placed a kiss on Seunghyun's jaw. “Well, good that you have me now — I will peel them for you whenever you want them.“

 

“Sounds like a fair deal to me.“

  
  
  
  


When Jiyong woke up the next day, he experienced another first. Well, not exactly a ‘first‘ per se, but something he hadn‘t experienced since he was younger. Morning wood. He unconsciously started to thrust his hips forward — he was still half asleep — and against Seunghyun‘s hip. Jiyong didn‘t even realize he was doing it, until Seunghyun suddenly flipped him on his back and kissed him.

 

Kissing quickly evolved from making out to frantically rutting against one another — Seunghyun pulled down their underwear and flinged them to the other side of the room, along with their shirts. It was the first time they were completely naked in front of each other and Jiyong couldn't help but stare at his boyfriend as he spread his legs for him and Seunghyun took both their cocks in his hand and jacked them both off.

 

If getting his dick sucked already felt mind-blowing, having Seunghyun‘s hard and aching cock pressed against his own pulsating dick was something different entirely. Jiyong wrapped his legs around Seunghyun‘s waste — digging the heels of his feet against his ass and kissed him hungrily. Their breaths mingled as they gasped for air — it was so incredibly hard to stay quiet, too. Especially when Seunghyun moved his hips along with the jacking motion of his hand and it felt as if Seunghyun was fucking him for good — he only managed to stay quiet by biting one of Seunghyun‘s pillows and soon his chest and stomach was covered in their cum and Seunghyun‘s full body pressed down on his. His boyfriend wanted to move away as soon as he realized he was crushing his smaller boyfriend, but Jiyong purred at the feeling of being pressed into the mattress like that.

  


When they finally managed to disentangle themselves from one another they took a quick shower, only to realize that Seunghyun‘s sister, mom and nephew had gotten up early that day to spent some time with friends from Seoul. While showering, Jiyong couldn’t keep his hands to himself, much like Seunghyun — it was almost comical, but Seunghyun had managed to turn him into a horny teenager once again. They soaped each other up, rinsed the soap off and made each other come once again with their hands. To think that Jiyong had been scared to reveal his body to the older man was weird in hindsight. Seunghyun never once made Jiyong feel uneasy or unattractive — quite the contrary.

 

They took their time with breakfast, too. Seunghyun quickly prepared some ham and eggs and coffee while Jiyong set the table. It was a slow morning and Jiyong was all smiles and warm cheeks all during breakfast and Seunghyun wasn‘t any different. Jiyong really didn‘t want to go home, but there were still a few projects he needed to finish until Monday and he needed to finally move his stuff from SooJoo’s place to the house and he knew that if he was around the older man he wouldn‘t get anything done at all. Seunghyun wasn‘t really ready to let him go just yet, too and ended up talking Jiyong into accompanying him home, saying he needed to get some groceries anyways and Jiyong said yes.

 

Seunghyun placed his hand on Jiyong‘s thigh again while he drove them home. It felt good to have the heavy weight of his boyfriend’s hand on his thigh, while he drove — it felt like he belonged to Seunghyun and he loved that. He also loved that he could feel Seunghyun‘s gaze on his skin, his whole body and as soon as he parked the car he reached over and pulled Seunghyun into a kiss.

 

“You know, if you continue like that, I will get addicted to your kisses.“

 

“Good. That‘s how I like you the most.“

 

“Clingy?“

 

“Addicted to my kisses.“

 

As much as Jiyong wanted to kiss Seunghyun until the end of time, he really should get home and get some work done. SooJoo was probably going to grill him for the next two hours about his date and the fact that he stayed the night.

 

They unwillingly let go of each other and exited Jiyong‘s car. He had parked two blocks away from the apartment — trying to find a parking spot right in front of the apartment was nearly impossible if you didn‘t have a parking lot and that one was already occupied with SooJoo‘s car so walking a few meters it was.

 

Not that Jiyong was complaining, not at all, because that meant a few more minutes with Seunghyun and just like during their date he slipped his hands into Seunghyun‘s coat pocket, holding his hand and squeezing it affectionately.

 

They eventually came to a stop in front of the apartment complex — the streets were mostly vacant during this time of the day, most people were having lunch with their family right now anyways and the complex was far away from any tourist attractions, too. The two of them were still holding hands, their touches lingering and Jiyong had to giggle.

 

Normally, Hanbin and Bobby were the ones that were this clingy. He had always teased them for being like that — whenever Bobby had to leave for the night and wouldn‘t be able to come over for a few days, because of tournaments or school, they would practically be attached at the hip and their ‘goodbyes‘ would take forever. But now he understood. Seunghyun still had some time off — until Tuesday — which meant they would most likely see each other again during lunch on Wednesday and today was only Saturday. That mean, including today, four whole days of not seeing Seunghyun and he hated that — now that he knew what it felt like to sleep in his boyfriend‘s arms he didn‘t want to miss it, but being this clingy right from the start wasn‘t good and he didn‘t want to scare off Seunghyun.

 

“I really enjoyed yesterday — and especially last night.“

 

“What about this morning?“, Jiyong giggled bashfully.

 

“I enjoyed that, too.“

 

A moment passed between them, lost in each other‘s eyes.

 

“When will I see you again?“

 

“Depends..“

 

“On what?“

 

“Well, I have to move my stuff from SooJoo‘s place to the house this weekend and depending on how fast I can get that done you can visit either sooner or later. I don‘t want you to see my place being a complete mess, you know.“

 

As much as he loved that old house, it was a bit of a mess — ever since his mother had passed away as well a few years ago, they only used it during summer when Hanbin had time off and they made good use of the pool, but even those times were over now. It simply was too much of a hassle for Chaerin and Hanbin to drive to Seoul so they rather stayed in their apartment in Seoul, than drive all the way to the house. Jiyong had always sulked at that — as much as he loved the city, he really enjoyed the peacefulness of living outside of Seoul and he absolutely didn‘t mind driving to work a bit longer. Whenever he took the train to work he would start to sketch again, abstract drawings, figures, or even landscapes — whatever came to his mind, while listening to music. It was his own therapy of sorts — it calmed him down and worked better than meditating for him and he had really missed that.

 

There were rarely any belongings of Chaerin and Hanbin in the house, since they had taken most their stuff back to Seoul when they stopped visiting as much and instead the house was full with old stuff Jiyong didn‘t want to throw away. Which meant that the basement alone was a hazard to society basically and the rest of the house wasn‘t any better. Not that it was old or something — Jiyong had renovated it six or so years ago and it was actually in a really good condition — it just was that no one lived in that house and you could tell. Dust had collected over the years on every surface, the rooms needed to be aired out and in generally the house needed some cleaning done.

 

Besides, now that he was moving into his old house again he finally would be able to decorate it the way he liked it — before, Chaerin had done most of the decorating, because it was the ‘job‘ of the woman to keep the house tidy and clean and pretty. The more he looked back on his own life, the more Jiyong realized how stupid this whole patriarchy bullshit actually was, but he wasn‘t going to think too deeply about that now, not when Seunghyun stood in front of him with hopeful eyes and a warm smile on his lips.

 

“Okay, okay. Will you call me?“

 

“Absolutely, don‘t think you will get rid off me that easily, mister. You are stuck with me from now on, remember that.“

 

It was like an invincible energy pulled him forward and Jiyong was too weak to fight it and he really didn‘t want to anyways. His hands slid over Seunghyun‘s broad shoulders and came to a stop at the sides of his jaw, softly gliding over his skin, before he stood on his tip-toes again and kissed him.

 

Up until now, they had never really kissed out in the open just like this — their first kiss was under a bridge, away from the public eye and their kisses in Jiyong‘s car were also mostly shut off — but kissing out in the open? That was something new completely and it felt oddly liberating to simply reach out and kiss his boyfriend like that. It was scary and exciting at the same time, but all his worries melted away when Seunghyun sighed into the kiss and leaned down to properly return the kiss.

 

When Jiyong pulled away, Seunghyun chased after him and started to place soft butterfly kisses across his face, causing the younger man to giggle.

 

“Hyung, no — that tickles!“

 

“Don‘t think you can make me stop just like that-“, Seunghyun kissed him again — smiling into the kiss, letting their nose brush together when they pulled away. Seunghyun looked at him with so much affection in his eyes that it made his head spin — how had he gotten so lucky to get a second chance like this? His fingers still cradled his boyfriend’s face and he placed another short kiss on his lips, eyes closed.

  
  
  
  
  


“Dad?“

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, originally I did not plan for this to get this long, because this chapter was supposed to be about  
> the events that will take place in the next chapter, but I just needed some GTOP fluffyness (and sexy times). 
> 
> Hope you guys liked it!


	12. twelve

Jiyong had been in many situations where he was scared —

His father chasing him with a damn leather belt, trying to hurt him, his classmates bullying him for being such a scrawny little kid, that one time he nearly got into a car crash and died or that one time he was walking home at night and someone mugged him. There were many more occasions where he went through a state of panic, but nothing compared to the moment he pulled back from Seunghyun and had to look into the eyes of his son, his own flesh and blood, looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Sheer panic flooded his system and he couldn't think, couldn‘t breath, couldn't react.

His blood ran cold.

“Hanbin, I-“

But Hanbin didn‘t listen. Instead it was as if he broke out of a trance, the fog that had been laid over his eyes like a veil vanished and within a span of a few seconds he went through several emotions, but eventually his features twisted into something angry, something hurt and before Jiyong could say anything his son turned around and dashed down the street.

Jiyong finally snapped back — his heart beating a mile per second and he vaguely felt Seunghyun supporting him. Had his knees buckled? If yes, he hadn‘t noticed.

“Jiyong? Jiyong, are you okay?“

Seunghyun sounded worried.

“I‘m so sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you. I was-“

“No, it‘s okay. It‘s not your fault. I should have talked to him.“, his words tasted like ash in his mouth and he sent a sad smile in Seunghyun‘s way — he was close to crying and the way Seunghyun looked at him didn‘t help.

“I‘m gonna go after him — he will probably go home and lock himself up in the room.“

“Still, I‘m sorry. I hope he‘s not too angry with you. Call me if you need anything?“

Jiyong absently nodded and pulled Seunhyun into one last tight hug, before he walked back to his car and started to leave. His heart felt heavy. Yesterday had been such an amazing day — he had spent it with Seunghyun, went out for a date and finally got a small taste of what he had been craving for months now, but now? Now his whole world felt like it was crumbling apart — the one thing he could not handle was Hanbin being angry with him — or worse, hating him for something he had no control over. Was that what Hanbin had felt like when he had ran off like that when Jiyong had ran off like that? Shit, he felt even more like an asshole.

His stomach turned and twisted and his body felt weird — his head hurt, his heart was still racing and he felt like throwing up. The symptoms got worse and worse that closer he got to his old apartment and when he finally reached the elevator he felt like he was going to die or soemthing. His hand reached down to his pocket and fished out the keys he still had and opened the door — the flat wasn‘t quiet and that made it even worse. Jiyong heard Chaerin talking loudly to Hanbin, but her words were muffled and he coudln‘t hear well — just that Hanbin wasn‘t reacting at all. He simply stood there in the hallway, knees weak, as he waited for something to happen. Jiyong wasn‘t sure what exactly he was waiting for, though. His mind was blank.

Suddenly, the door got yanked open and Chaerin stormed out with an angry and hurt look on her face. He tried to say something, but Chaerin cut him off — slamming the door shut.

“What the fuck did you do?“

“Chaerin, I‘m sorry — let me talk to-“

“What makes you think he wants to talk to you? He just stormed into his room and slammed the door shut and didn‘t react to a thing I said. Do I even want to know what you did to hurt him like that?“

Jiyong‘s heart sank.

“Chaerin, I‘m-“

“You want to know what he did?“, they both twisted around and looked at Hanbin who was now standing in the doorway with an angry scowl on his face. “You really want to know, Mom? Well, seems like Dad doesn’t really believe in being faithful to you! I caught him kissing a man — how could you do this to mom? You know how much she loves you and you go on cheat on her like a number one asshole? Is that really who you are?“ — Hanbin‘s voice was shaking and horse.

His eyes darted to his mother.

“Why aren‘t you saying anything? You husband cheated on you! How can you stay so calm?“

Jiyong looked over at his wife with tears in his eyes — Hanbin was right, Chaeirn was calm. Weirdly calm — there was hurt written all over her face, but she didn‘t flare up in anger like he did the last time he saw her.

“Hanbinnie, I think there is something you should know.“

“Wait, are you telling me you knew that dad was having an affair? Is that what you try to tell me?“

Jiyong felt sick.

“Hanbin, no — this is not what this is about. This is about something different and not something your father has any control over, much like you loving Bobby is not something you can just change like that.“

His eyes were still glued to his wife — did she really mean that?

“Bullshit!“

“Hanbin, please.“

“No, fuck you dad! You decided to cheat on mom and that is nothing like me and Bobby! How could you even compare that?“

“Hanbin, I‘m gay!“

Tears were streaming down his face and his voice was shaking while he screamed. The rest of the apartment fell silent — and all eyes were glued on him. Chaerin had tears in her eyes as well, but Hanbin looked confused. Confused, angry, hurt. His facial features apparently coudln‘t decide on one emotion and continued to switch between them. Eventually his eyes darted back to his mom.

“Why aren‘t you saying anything? Is this true?“, Hanbin scanned both their faces, before his shoulders dropped — all the tension melted away and he suddenly looked fragile.

“Did you know?“, his voice was small, “Mom, did you know?“

Chaerin lowered her gaze — looking at Hanbin for a second, before she averted her eyes and glanced over at Jiyong. “Hanbinnie, I-“

“You knew. You knew and you didn‘t tell me. You both knew about this shit and decided not to tell me — what do you think I am? A kid that can‘t handle the truth? What the fuck — do you trust me so little that you don‘t think I could handle it if you sat down with me and talked to me about it like adults? Instead, dad leaves without a single explanation, leaving mom crying and a mess and no one tells me anything and then weeks later I find my dad making out with some guy I have never seen before at the sidewalk! Do you think that is a better way of me fining out about this?“

Jiyong couldn‘t say anything — he was too shocked in a way, he knew he should say something — he was Hanbin‘s father after all and he shouldn‘t talk to him like that, but he couldn‘t. Instead, he felt Chaerin move besides him.

“Hanbin do not speak to your dad like that — yes, we should have told you and talked to you, but you can‘t blame him, if anything blame me. I was the one who kicked him out and he begged me to talk it out, but I coudln‘t.“

“Oh, please. I was with him the other weekend and we met up on several occasions, yet he never told me.“, he glared at Jiyong with so much rage it made Jiyong sick. Hanbin glanced at his partners one last time, before he grabbed his back and ran out of the door — slamming it shut behind him.

“Shouldn‘t we go after him-?“

Chaerin sighed. “He will probably go over to June‘s place. I will sent his mom a text, asking if he is alright and he should be fine, just let him be for the moment. You know how fiery he can get when he feels left out or hurt. He is like you in that way.“, she sadly smiled at him and Jiyong felt fresh tears gathering in his eyes.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm down, but fresh tears started to fall.

They simply stood there for a while, Chaerin staring straight ahead — her mouth opening and closing on several occasions, but she never managed to say anything.

“If there is something you want to ask, ask. I think it is overdue that I owe you an explanation for all this.“

Chaerin finally looked at Jiyong.

“How long and who?“

Chaerin didn‘t give any specifics, but he knew what she meant. She was asking how long he was seeing someone already and if she knew the man he was seeing. He gulped.

“Not long, we only really talked about, well ‘us‘, yesterday. He didn‘t want to interfere with my marriage.“

A thousand emotions flared up in Chaerin‘s eyes — but she remained quiet as tears fell.

“Who is it, do I know him?“

He took a deep breath.

“It‘s Seunghyun.“

Jiyong could see the muscles in her jaw shift as she closed her eyes, trying to remain calm.

“Please leave.“

“Chaerin, pleas-“

“No, Jiyong. Listen, I do wanna talk, but I just- I just can‘t. Not yet. Not when you already moved on with another person — I know this is different for you, but this hurts okay? I can‘t just stop loving you from one day to another you can‘t expect me to forget the past 20 years. I am angry, I am hurt, so just let me live through these emotions and I will come to you when I am ready to talk — you owe me that much.“

“Okay.“, Jiyong blinked away a few tears. Chaerin looked so small and fragile right now, much like Hanbin had just a few minutes ago — sometimes it was almost scary how many traits they shared. He reached down, playing with his fingers — a habit he had picked up when he had started wearing their wedding ring, but now that he no longer was wearing the ring he simply rubbed the area where it used to be with his fingers.

“Could you- could you tell me if Hanbin is alright, though? I get that you don‘t want to talk to me right now, it‘s just — I’m worried about him and he probably won‘t react to any of my calls or messages and even if he is staying with June now, I am still worried.“

Chaerin cleared her throat, before speaking up. “Okay.“

Jiyong exhaled shakingly. “Okay, thank you.“

She didn‘t say anything after that and Jiyong took that as his cue to leave. He shuffled back to the entrance door, looked back one last time, and then closed the door behind him.

 

As soon as he was home he let himself fall into bed — his whole body was tensed. Jiyong tried to relax as well as possible, but nothing seemed to work. Not a hot shower, not laying down in bed with his favourite book — nothing. He was restless and even though he had planned to move all his things to the house this weekend he wasn‘t sure if he could do it alone. SooJoo was out for the day, probably meeting up with some of her friends or out for work — maybe Youngbae? Jiyong quickly dialed his number, waited for him to pick up — but nothing. He tried to ignore the small sense of fear creeping up inside of him. Though he and Youngbae hadn‘t been able to meet up regularly over the past few months, they had still been close friends, but ever since the incident with Chaerin happened he wasn‘t so sure anymore, because Youngbae didn‘t pick up his calls.

Chaerin probably talked to him about this whole mess and Youngbae was religious. Shit, was that Youngbae‘s way of telling him that he was done with him? Even the thought of it hurt and Jiyong really didn‘t want to know what would happen if Youngbae really hated him — he rubbed his hands over his face. What should he do now? He sighed loudly and let himself fall onto the couch — the flat was awfully quiet without SooJoo around, she normally blasted music or was busying herself with work or whatever and it rarely was completely quiet like it was now.

His hand reached for his phone —

Chaerin had sent him a message.

  
Chaerin [15:09]

He‘s with June.

Give him some time, he will   
eventually come around again.

  
Jiyong had to smile a bit at that. He hoped she was right.

His fingers typed away on the screen, sending a quick ‘thank you‘ to Chaerin, before he opened his contacts and scrolled down to Seunghyun‘s number. He didn‘t hesitate and called him — Jiyong couldn‘t stand to be alone right now and Seunghyun was probably the person who understood him the most. Besides, he wanted to see the other man again — it had been only a few hours, but he couldn‘t think of anything that would cheer him up more than being in Seunghyun‘s arms right now — or to just hear his voice.

“Hey, Jiyong. How are you? You feeling okay? Do you need something?“, Jiyong has to smile at the concern in his boyfriend‘s voice — it‘s sweet and it really shouldn‘t be that easy to calm him down, but it is. He feels himself visibly relax already.

“I‘m okay- more or less. I don‘t know. I tried to talk to Hanbin when I reached the apartment, but he wouldn‘t listen — instead he exploded into my face and I was too shocked or whatever to react and he left. Chaerin was there too and she said I should give him some time to adjust to all of this.“, he fiddled with the hem of his shirt— suddenly nervous and unsure, “-which I know is all I can do right now, but the waiting is terrible and I‘m really scared that he might hate me now.“

The anxiety and fear he had tried to mask bubbles up inside of him again and he can‘t do much but bite his lip and try to hold back the tears, but he fails miserably and his breathing is uneven and he tries to stifle the noises he is making while crying, but he knows Seunghyun can hear him cry, which makes him feel even more like shit for some reason, but Seunghyun doesn’t even give him the chance to fall for his anxiety.

“How about I come over? If you want to be alone right now, I won‘t push for it, but I know how hard this situation is and-“

“Yes, please.“, Jiyong hates how small and thin his voice is right now, but that‘s all he brings out right now, before he starts sobbing.

Seunghyun only needs fifteen minutes before he is standing in front of Jiyong‘s doorstep and pulls Jiyong into a tight hug and Jiyong just melts into those strong arms. He melts into him and he‘s so embarrassed when he starts to cry, but Seunghyun doesn't seem to care at all. Instead, he wraps his arms tighter around his slim frame and guides him to the sofa in the middle of the living room and sits them both down — he moves them until Jiyong is lying comfortably on his chest, hands fisting the soft fabric of his shirt while he is still crying, and simply holds him. Jiyong doesn’t know for how long he holds him like that, how much time passes until he finally stopped crying and his breathing calmed down again, and he really didn‘t care right now either. He listens to Seunghyun‘s steady breath and his strong heartbeat and he finally manages to calm down.

His eyes are swollen and his head hurts from all the crying, but he can‘t help but smile when he feels Seunghyun brushing his hair out of his face and placing a small kiss on his forehead — the gesture is incredibly sweet and Jiyong almost wants to bury his head deeper in Seunghyun‘s chest, but instead he looks up at Seunghyun, who is already looking at him, eyes soft and full with affection.

“Hey, beautiful.“

Jiyong has to snicker.

“Beautiful? Really? I look like a mess right now — I bet my eyes and nose are all red and swollen and I‘m pretty sure you now have my tears and snot all over your shirt, you can‘t tell me that‘s beautiful.“

“Could be worse, already had different body fluids of you on my skin so..“, his words trail off and when Jiyong sees the smirk tug at the corner of Seunghyun‘s lips he snorts. His boyfriend was such a kid — okay, more like a perverted teenager and he lowkey loved it. “Besides, we are both fathers — we have been spit on, puked on, probably peed on as well — basically, we have seen it all. I don‘t think there is much that could shock me.“

The words were meant to cheer him up, a joke of some sorts, but instead he feels a painful tug in his chest — Seunghyun is a father, too and he lost his child. Not for good, hopefully, but still. He hasn’t been able to see his own kid for so long and Jiyong doesn‘t know how he managed to do that. Jiyong can see the small hint of sadness in Seunghyun‘s eyes — it is well masked, but still there. He knows that Seunghyun originally came over to cheer him up, to take his mind off the topic, but he wonders if maybe he still wants to talk about it, too. They hadn‘t had the chance to properly talk about this yet and Jiyong can sense that Seunghyun is hurting.

“Oh, don‘t look at me like that.“, Jiyong gets pulled out of his thoughts.

“Like what?“

“I can practically see the wheels turning in your head. Kids are a touchy subject right now — especially for you, which is why I want to be there for you right now. I won‘t lie, this is also affecting me, because I know what it feels like to fear that you lost your son, but I don‘t want to make this about me right now. This is about you, about you and your son.“

“But you are hurting, too.“, his fingers caress the skin under his jaw, “— and I want to be there for you, too. This is what relationships are about, aren‘t they? Being there for each other, to listen and so much more.“

Jiyong can see a small smile on Seunghyun‘s lips and he can see the emotions whirl in his eyes as he nods — it’s a small move, barely there, but still a nod and Seunghyun is tearing up. It makes Jiyong‘s heart ache again — why did he get the distinct feeling that this is something new for Seunghyun? Being this open about their fears and feelings? He worries even more when he can see tears in his eyes and Jiyong immediately sits up to push them away.

“I‘m sorry, I shouldn‘t be crying — you are hurting and yet-“, but before Seunghyun can go on Jiyong shushes him and leaves kisses all over his face and Seunghyun crumbles. “Don‘t ever apologize for crying, Seunghyun — why would you even apologize for that? We are both fathers, we have both experienced troubles with our children why—“

“It‘s not that — I mean, it is but not entirely.“, Seunghyun sits up as well and reaches for Jiyong’s hands, playing with them much like he did during the ballet play all those weeks ago. He suddenly looks a lot younger — almost like a kid, eyes unsure and big and Jiyong just wants to hold him and take all the pain away from him.

“Is it okay if I tell you a little bit about my last relationship? This is probably the worst timing, but I just — I think you should know a little bit about it. We don‘t have to talk about it, not now or ever if you don‘t want to.“, Seunghyun is rambling and he can now clearly see that it is a sign of insecurity. Jiyong leans forward and gently pulls his boyfriend into a kiss — their lips linger for a moment, before he pulls away again.

“Please do.“

Seunghyun‘s body relaxes at that — he nods again, to himself and exhales a shaky breath. His eyes are glued to their hands and this time Jiyong is the one drawing small patterns into his skin — a small sign of encouragement.

“I mentioned before that there was someone who played with me, someone who was married and didn‘t tell me anything about it — right?“, Jiyong nods, “Well, to be completely honest I was in the dark about him being married for a very long time. He had told me that he is traveling a lot for work, having to fly overseas a lot or to Japan or neighboring countries and I believed him — he was really good at telling stories and he always brought small things back home more or less as a proof that he actually was away. Small presents and all that — but anyways I think I should start from the beginning.“

“When I first met him, I was in a very dark place — it was a two years after the divorce and roughly two years after seeing Jiwon for the last time. I lost my job at the firm I had been working at for ages, because someone snitched to my boss that I was gay and apparently that was enough to throw me out. I hit rock bottom, I was depressed and it got so bad I rarely left my home, but one night I was all out of booze at home and didn‘t feel like going to the convenient store so late at night so I dragged myself to the nearest bar and that‘s where I met him. I was drunk, depressed and we spent the night — he was gone the next morning and I felt even more like shit. Time passed and I went to the same bar again, because I hoped he would be there — not because I was in love, but because I just needed some form of affection, even if it was only a one night stand that didn‘t mean anything — anyways, he was there again and we developed a routine. We‘d meet at the bar, get drunk and hook up — it was anything but healthy, but it helped me get through it — in a fucked up way. But only for so long — a few months into this, whatever it was, I needed more than just a few quick fucks. I craved intimacy, I needed someone who could be there for me in other ways than coaxing an orgasm out of me, I needed someone who I could open up to, to talk about my problems with and I tried him to be that one — but he refused.“

“Instead of helping me, he pushed me away and then I tried to find someone else — but he didn‘t like it. He got jealous and I confused his possessiveness as a sign of affection, I thought that if he was so jealous about me seeing someone else, there must be some sort of attraction beyond bodily, right? Well, I was wrong, but I just couldn’t see it — or didn‘t want to. Months passed and he slowly manipulated me into thinking I was in love with him and that he was the only one who would ever love me. Many friends had turned their back on me already thanks to the divorce and me coming out, which left him as the only person I had — or at least I thought I only had him and he used that fact against me and it wasn‘t long after that that he started to get physical.“ Jiyong‘s whole body tensed up at that — it had been tense ever since Seunghyun started to speak, but this? This made it so much worse. Seunghyun — sweet, loving Seunghyun in an abusive relationship? Both, mentally and physically?

“He started to get drunk a lot more than usually and more often than not he got angry — I still don‘t know what triggered it. It started with a slap in the face when I told him I needed more — that I felt like shit and wanted to talk, but he just got angry, saying that I was ungrateful and it escalated from there on. It peaked when we were walking home to my apartment — the elevator didn’t work and we were both tipsy and I don‘t remember anymore what exactly happened, but he kicked me down the stairs. It‘s kinda funny if you think about it — he was shorter than me and slimmer in built, but I still let it happen. He tripped me or something and I broke my nose and hit my head pretty hard, that is where I got this scar from.“, Seunghyun points at the small scar right above his eyebrow. “He even had the nerve to laugh at me and kick me when I laid on the ground and then I passed out. The next time I woke up I was on a hospital bed — I think one of my neighbors — Daesung — found me, because he was with me when I woke up and never left. He was there for me, helped me out of this mess and most importantly, he was my friend — I hadn’t even realized how much I needed a friend, but I did. He picked me up and even helped me when I decided to move — I just wanted to get away from that flat, away from those memories, away from my ex and he helped me. I blocked my ex‘ number and I didn‘t see him again until the gala happened — Dongwook, my boss, was talking about how there was this pain in the ass investor or something and that he really didn‘t want to talk to him or his wife so I tagged along and when I saw him there with his wife I felt like someone pulled the rug from under my feet.“

“I managed to stay calm, somehow — passive, professional. A skill you learn when you are a lawyer or otherwise you‘d probably end up crying in court — and I ignored him and the way his eyes were glued on me and soon after I left the party. He tried to approach me with a warm smile, but I didn‘t let him get to me and simply walked away and ever since that I didn‘t date — too scared to end up with someone like him again — but then I met you.“

“Gorgeous, sweet and intelligent you and I knew I didn‘t stand a chance. When I saw you crying on that bank I felt something shift inside of me and it snapped shut around you. I wanted to be there for you, to make you stop crying and it broke my heart when you told me what was going on, about your marriage, Hanbin — everything and when I saw you again at the exhibition I was so happy to see you, but at the same time scared. That was probably why I ran away so fast, but then you chased after me and I couldn‘t help but fall for you even more and now here you are — asking me to open up to you, to let you carry my burdens as well, to share them and — I never had that before, Jiyong. Even with my ex-wife. You are the first one to ever want to get to know me like that, to know me like that — to have an actual, mature relationship with and a part of me is so scared that I will just wake up and it will all be a dream, because you are amazing Jiyong and I love you so much, I can‘t even put it in words.“

Jiyong had started crying again — first, because he couldn’t believe that someone would do this to Seunghyun, but now he was crying for a different reason. He hadn‘t said it out loud yet, but this what Seunghyun had just said? Was the exact same thing for him.

“I love you, too.“, he took Seunghyun‘s face in his hands and kissed him with everything he had — he gathered up all the emotions he was feeling right now and poured them into the kiss, trying to make Seunghyun understand how me he understood what Seunghyun was trying to tell him.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.“

Jiyong pulled Seunghyun close to him — their foreheads pressed together and never breaking eye contact. “—and I know what you feel like. God, I know. Before I met you I was alone. I was married, but that wasn‘t anything like what I am feeling when I am with you. I never felt like this before, either, it‘s like I‘m experience my first love and in a way I think you are — my first true love and I want you to be the last one, too. I want to be with you, with everything you have to offer — I want to know what’s going on in your head when you are down, or when you are happy. I want you to share everything you are willing to share with me. I want to wake up to you next to me in the morning and eat breakfast with you and go on dates and just — I want everything you have to offer and I probably sound crazy saying this, but I love you so much, too Seunghyun. My life was like a roller coaster ever since I met you and I am so grateful for that — you gave me so much strength when I needed it and I want to give you just as much back, if not more.“, his voice was shaking and he just couldn‘t stop himself from spilling everything that had been bottling up inside of him for so long.

But one look at Seunghyun and he knew he said the right things and warmth spread through his body. Seunghyun pulled him against his chest again and just held him and it felt like coming home to a place Jiyong hadn’t known he needed, hadn’t known that even existed, but it did and his home was Seunghyun. He inhaled his scent again and it filled him with butterflies as he felt strong arms wrap around him and stroke his back. Jiyong felt lips on his neck, slowly trailing from his collarbone up, over his jaw until they reached his mouth and Jiyong dived into the kiss — he curled his arms around Seunghyun‘s body and sighed, that sounded more like a moan to his own ears. He pulled away for only a short moment, climbing into Seunghyun‘s lap again, placing his strong hands on his hips, and then kissed him again with urgency he didn‘t know he possessed, but all he knew was the he needed to be close to him right now, to feel his warm, strong body against his own and to feel his arms hold him.

Their moment got killed, when the front door banged shut and SooJoo cursed up a storm. “God damnit, Jiyong! How many times do I have to tell you to put your shoes away and not drop them right at the entrance! I nearly tripped over them and fell on my camera — do you wanna pay two thousand bucks to get me a new lense?!“

SooJoo wasn‘t really paying any attention to her surroundings right now — to busy with being pissed at Jiyong while carrying too many bags, before she dumped them on the coffee table not far away from the couch where Seunghyun and Jiyong were sitting right now — with Jiyong still on Seunghyun‘s lap, lips red and swollen from kissing and Seunghyun‘s hand under Jiyong‘s shirt and Jiyong‘s hand buried in Seunghyun‘s hand, frozen in place and then SooJoo finally looked up and froze as well.

“Oh..“

Something about the way she just deadpanned and the whole situation was just bizarre as it was entertaining — Seunghyun and Jiyong had just bearded their souls to each other, followed by a heated make-out session and then SooJoo just cockblocked them and — they burst into laughter. Jiyong could feel the heat rise to his cheeks as he saw the smug grin on SooJoo‘s face and tried to hide behind Seunghyun, but he poked him into his ribs, tickling him until Jiyong squeaked and fell on his butt, off his lap and SooJoo joined them.

“You must be Seunghyun, pleasure to finally meet you — Jiyong over there has talked a lot about you the past few months you know?“

“Oh, has he?“, Jiyong blushed again and suddenly felt a dejá vù hit him — just the other day it was the other way around. Seunghyun getting teased about talking too much about Jiyong. His cheeks felt warm and he dabbed the back of his hand against them in an attempt to stop himself from blushing but it didn‘t work.

“He has. He gushes about your good looks, manners and basically everything you do all the time! He is totally smitten with you.“

“SooJoo…“

“By the way! Did you like the pictures I took of Jiyong for you? He nearly killed me the next day, but he looks fantastic in heels and make-up, doesn’t he?“

If Jiyong was embarrassed before, he didn't had a word to describe how he felt right now and simply tried to hide behind a pillow, but still peaked through his fingers at Seunghyun to see what he would say.

“He does and I was wondering if you have more pictures of that shooting?“

Jiyong gaped at his boyfriend and swatted him on his chest. “Hyung! What the hell?“, he tried to sound angry, irritated even, but the big smile on his lips betrayed him and then he started to giggle when he saw the almost innocent expression on his boyfriend‘s face.

“What? I am a lover of art — you know that, and these photographs are excellent for my private collection.“

“Private collection of what?“

“Collection of Kwon Jiyong — already got a few pictures of him, but I wouldn’t say no to extending my collection.“

Jiyong giggled again.

“Wanna extend it now?“

“Now?“

Jiyong pushed Seunghyun back into the couch and cuddled up next to him as he fished out his phone and started to snap selfies — distinctly he heard SooJoo groan and fake-gag at them, saying something about hating couples, but Jiyong didn‘t pay her any attention. Instead he laid his head on Seunghyun‘s shoulder and smiled at the camera when Seunghyun took it from him and took some pics himself. In the first few they were pulling faces, docking around and then Jiyong couldn't stop smiling and his smile got wider and wider as Seunghyun took selfies of them while he kissed his cheek and nuzzled with his face against his.

“Are you two going to be this gross all the time? Because if yes, then I won‘t leave my room whenever you come around, Seunghyun — sorry, but not sorry.“

“Aww, don‘t be like that we are adorable!“

“In your dreams, Kwon.“

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain coudln’t decide which tense it wanted to use and I‘m sorry for that OTL 
> 
> Hope it didn‘t kill the flow lmao 
> 
> By the way, Young Blood will most likely have 25 chaps and not just 20 (if I can stick to my own plan and not add another five chapters that is)! Wish me luck that I will make it until the end haha


	13. thirteen

Jiyong had spent the rest of the weekend curled up with Seunghyun on the couch, binge watching all the Quentin Tarantino movies and shoving popcorn in each other’s mouth. They ordered take-out since no one was really motivated to cook anything, or to go grocery shopping that is and just lazed around. It was nice — it felt domestic and good to just spent time with each other, talking, cuddling and just being close to each other. When Sunday rolled around Seunghyun had to leave — neither of them really wanted that and tried to make their time last as long as possible, but Jiyong still had some work to do and he really needed to finish it before he‘d go to work tomorrow. SooJoo was the one who took matters into her own hands and more or less kicked Seunghyun out — not because she was annoyed, but because she knew that Jiyong wouldn’t get anything done unless Seunghyun would go home and they all knew it.

 

They kissed goodbye at the door and when Seunghyun was gone, Jiyong threw himself into work — it was a good distraction. He got so coughed up in his work that he didn‘t had the time to think about Hanbin or Seunghyun and it took some of the stress and tension out of him.

 

But that only worked for so long.

 

Monday passed, Tuesday as well, and by Wednesday Jiyong felt like going insane. It only had been a couple of days, but not hearing from Hanbin in that long felt like torture — normally they talked daily, were around each other most days and even when Hanbin had been away visiting his aunt for a couple of days he had called every other day or sent him pictures via Line, but this radio silence? It killed him.

 

He had promised himself that he would wait, that he would give Hanbin the time he needed to cool off and just wait until things calmed down a little, but he just couldn’t. Instead, he called Hanbin — once a day to see if he was going to pick up this time, but obviously he didn’t and his anxiety got worse and worse every day.

 

Seunghyun seemed to sense how tensed he was, because on Thursday Jiyong found a small present on his desk when he came to work that morning — it was a package from his favourite bakery filled with the most delicious chocolate pies in the world and there was a small note attached to it.

 

“Secret admirer, Mr. Kwon?“

 

Jiyong just smiled in return as Minji, one of his coworkers and somewhat by now friend, walked into his office with a few documents in hand and laid them onto his desk.

 

“Something like that, yes.“

 

He carefully took off the card and flipped it over — scanning through the text on the back, which made him smile even more. The writing was terrible, but he was used to correct Hanbin‘s homework since he was little and that boy had the worst handwriting on this planet so he somehow managed to read what Seunghyun had written down.

 

_Morning love,_

 

_I hope these can make you feel a bit better._

_Thinking of you,_

_Want to go on a date this Friday?_

 

_xxx — S_

 

“By the look on your face it must be someone special for sure — met someone new?“

 

Jiyong looked up at his colleague — he hadn‘t really talked to anyone about his situation, why should he? This was private and Jiyong was sure that if someone in the office knew of his sexual orientation, it wouldn’t go down so well. But Minji was different — he actually liked talking to her and she wasn’t as pretentious as most of his other colleagues were. Maybe it was because she was a lot younger than most of the other employees in their firm — she was open minded and supportive.

 

“So you know that me and I wife split, huh?“

 

“Well, not know, but I assumed, since you haven’t been wearing your ring all week and it was either that or that you lost the ring — but someone like you, who is borderlining to OCD, would never lose something as important as that.“

 

A bashful laugh bubbled up in his chest. “Yeah, you are right.“, he fiddled with the small cart in his hand, “I don‘t know how to explain it, but Chaerin and I came to an agreement I think? No, not agreement — I confessed and she kicked me out and she isn‘t ready to talk to me yet, but she and I both know that our marriage is over.“

 

“You sly dog, don‘t tell me you cheated on your wife?“, Minji stared at him, open mouthed with a hint of a smirk on her lips.

 

“What — no. I wouldn’t do that to her.“ Jiyong tried to ignore the small voice in the back of his head that there had been at least a small percentage of cheating one way or another, but he really didn‘t want to talk about that right now.

 

“Then what is it?“

 

He looked around his office — no one seemed to be coming over to him, but he wanted to make sure no one overheard anything they weren’t supposed to hear, which was why he walked up to his office door and closed it before walking back to where Minji was standing — right next to his desk and Jiyong half sat half leaned against it, trying to figure out how to put in words what has been going on in his life the past few months.

 

“Well, I _did_ meet someone. We meet a couple of months ago actually and then again a bit later at an exhibition and we grew closer. We became good friends and to be honest this friendship helped me realize quite a lot about me and what kind of life I want to have in the future.“

 

“But that‘s a good thing — isn’t it? I mean, you finding someone who you can be friends with, don’t tell me you fell in love with her, what‘s her name?“

 

“His name is Seunghyun.“

 

Jiyong heard a small gasp and for a second he was scared that he just fucked up big time, but then Minji‘s shocked expression turned into a bright smile and she practically squealed and swatted him against his shoulder. “So you're telling me that you are gay? Is that it? I knew it! Is that what you confessed to Chaerin? Come on, spill it! I want to know everything! What does he look like? Are you two dating? Come on, tell me!“

 

Minji just turned into this bubbly mess and Jiyong had to bite his lip not to laugh at her.

 

“Okay, okay — I will tell you, just calm down a bit so I can-“

 

“I am calm! Just tell me everything!“

 

“Okay! Jeez, you are like a hyperactive puppy.“, Jiyong pulled his chair from behind his desk to the front and mentioned Minji to grab the other one that was standing a bit away from his desk as well so they could sit down and talk a bit.

 

“As I told you, I met him again at the exhibition I went to a couple of months ago — we started to talk and eventually ended up in a small café not too far away from the gallery. We talked so long and got along so well that I didn‘t even realize how much time had passed, but then Chaerin called and she was _pissed_ to say the least — anyways we exchanged numbers and started to meet up every now and then. He flirted with me a lot, but as soon as I told him that I was married and that that wouldn’t change, he stopped — didn’t stop me from falling for him though, but that’s beside the point.“, he pointedly ignored the squeal and continued to talk, “A bit later he started to see someone and I got jealous and then one night we four accidentally met at a ballet play. He was there with his date, and I was there with Chaerin and we went out to get some drinks.“

 

“So, what happened did you kiss him and got caught?“

 

“No, his date kissed me.“

 

“What?“

 

“I know, it‘s crazy right? Anyways, Chaerin felt bad for him being more or less cheated on like that so she invited him over for dinner the next day.“

 

“So, let me get this straight — the guy you were in love with got invited over by your wife?“

 

Jiyong nodded.

 

“Wow, your life sounds like a drama.“

 

“I know! Anyways, that night he gave me an ultimatum more or less, saying that he would let me go and move on, because he doesn‘t want to wait forever and end up getting hurt and I panicked — a bit later I came out to my wife, telling her that I was in love with a man. She took it relatively well, I think, but kicked me out — I am staying at a friend‘s house right now, but will move into my old house soon so it‘s not that bad.“

 

“And how did things with Seunghyun go from then on?“

 

“We met up, I told him the truth and we have been dating ever since.“

 

“Wow.“

 

“Yeah.“

 

“Do you have a picture of him?“

 

“Sure, hold on.“, he reached for his phone and scrolled through all the pictures he and Seunghyun had taken by now and finally found one he really liked. It was from the day Seunghyun had come over to calm him down and they had watched all the movies together — Jiyong had lent him some clothes that were way too big for him and therefore fit Seunghyun perfectly. In the picture Jiyong was sitting on the counter with Seunghyun in front of him standing between his legs — they were both looking at the camera, Jiyong with an almost deliriously happy smile on his lips as he laid his head on Seunghyun‘s chest. SooJoo had snatched his phone and had taken the picture and it was probably Jiyong‘s favourite — his boyfriend had lifted his arm and pointed at the camera as if trying to warn SooJoo, but it was all in good spirits. Seunghyun only looked intimidating on the first look, but if you looked closer you could see the smile tugging at the corner of his lips and how his eyes sparkled with joy.

 

“Oh my god! Are you dating a model? He certainly looks like he could be a model — is he a model? He looks so handsome, wow — it really is true, all the good looking guys are either gay or taken, or in this case, both!“

 

Jiyong laughed again, shoulders shaking and he shook his head. this girl was amazing.

 

“How big is his dick?“

 

Nevermind, she was a lunatic.

  


  

“Are you taking me out for dinner?”

 

“No.”

 

“Another exhibition?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Theater play?”

 

“Nah.”

 

“The Zoo?”

 

“That late at night?”

 

“Hmpf.”

 

“Just wait until we get there.”

 

“The tower?”

 

“Nein.”

 

“What?”

 

“Means ‘no’ in german, now shush and wait until we get there.”

 

Jiyong groaned loudly. He hated surprises and his boyfriend just wouldn’t tell him where they were heading to — he had tried everything; acted cute, covered him in kisses, tried to seduce him so he would finally say where they were going to — but nothing worked and Jiyong was getting frustrated to say the least.

 

It was already dark outside as they drove through the city — what on earth could Seunghyun have planned for him? He nervously fiddled with his seatbelt and continuously stared at his boyfriend, as if he could glare it out of him, but the only thing that accomplished was Seunghyun laughing at him, grabbing his hand and placing a kiss on it. While that gesture was cute it was not what Jiyong wanted.

 

“Come on, just give me a hint!”

 

“— or you could wait a few more minutes and you would be able to see yourself.”

 

“You suck.”, he crossed his arms in front of his chest and sulked, but even that only earned him a small chuckle and Jiyong just gave up. If there was something he had learned by now then it was that his boyfriend could be as stubborn as a mule if he wanted to be — he had even tried to bribe Yeonjun into spilling something, but the kid didn’t had a clue what his uncle had planned for him. (Either that, or he was a brilliant actor).

 

“I think you will love it, actually, so stop being a brat.”

 

Jiyong sulked even more at that, but his interest was awoken yet again. “Come on, just give me a hint! Anything!”

 

“Okay, okay — remember the pictures SooJoo took of you?”

 

“I don’t think I could ever forget that — why?”

 

“Something like that.”

 

Now Jiyong was even more confused.

 

“Did you plan an erotic couple photoshooting or something?”, he talked in a hushed voice, hoping that the cab driver wouldn’t hear what he just said to Seunghyun, but the drifer was too invested into getting them to their destination while humming along the song that was played on the radio to really care.

 

Seunghyun just smirked and it made Jiyong feel on edge and groaned loudly as he continued to complain — vocaly.

 

“You are the worst, okay — you know I hate surprises!”

 

“I talked to SooJoo and even she said it was a good idea and that you would love it.”

 

“ _SooJoo_ knew about this?” Oh she was in so much trouble.

 

“Well, I needed to make sure that you would like what I planned — right? Couldn’t have you run out of the club screaming and cussing at me.”

 

“So—”, he drawed out the last letter of the world, peaking innocently up at Seunghyun, “We are going to a club? Really? Aren’t we too old for that?”

 

Seunghyun shook his head and remained silent. Damn him — but at least Jiyong knew where they would go to now. More or less — and it suddenly made so much more sense that SooJoo had picked a rather extravagant looking outfit for him for the night. But what kind of club was he talking about? If it was just a normal club he wouldn’t have tried to keep it a secret like that.

 

They arrived roughly ten minutes later — Seunghyun opened the door for Jiyong as soon as he got out of the cab and paid the driver — and Jiyong suddenly felt nervous. What was the plan? Just to get drunk in some club to take off his mind? Not that Jiyong wouldn’t be up to that, especially with Seunghyun with him, but the secretive behavior was just too suspicious for him to just relax. They walked down the street until they came to an stop in front of what seemed to be a club entrance — there was a neon sign, glowing brightly in the dark and Jiyong could hear music from within the club. The windows were covered and you couldn’t really see through them anyways.

 

Seunghyun reached for his hand and Jiyong was happy — he was nervous about what they would see when they went inside. While Jiyong wasn’t really a stranger to getting drunk in bars and occasionally in clubs, he suddenly felt like a teenager smuggling himself into a peepshow.

 

“We can go as soon as you want — okay? I promise you don’t have to be so nervous and I think you might really like it, but we can always leave — okay?“, as if to show him he meant his words, Seunghyun squeezed his hand and Jiyong had to smile.

 

“Okay — as long as you don’t drag me down some weird place and sell my organs I think I will be fine.“

 

“Damn, and I thought I’d finally get rich and sell you off to some billionaire.“

 

“Oh, shut up!“

 

The pair finally walked inside — and Jiyong was surprised to find a normal seeming bar. At least on the first glance, at the second glance he realized that it was not indeed a normal bar — there were a lot of men standing close to each other, talking and laughing, women too; all of them wearing outfits in different colors and shapes and many of them were wearing makeup as well. They walked further into the space, towards the bar, and Jiyong remained glued to Seunghyun’s side at all times. He vaguely registered that his boyfriend got drinks for them — he was too busy with watching the other guests and he started to blush when he saw that two men started to kiss and turned away, holding onto Seunghyun’s arm. He wasn’t used to open affection like that, especially not between a same sex couple — but it also made him smile up at Seunghyun and took the drink he was offering.

 

“You really took me to a gay bar?“

 

“That I did — but it is not all. The show should start any minute now.“

 

“Show? What show?“, but Jiyong got ignored once more and instead of answering Seunghyun took him by his hand and walked him to the stairs right next to the bar. A few people had already walked down before them and when they finally reached the lower floor Seunghyun could see that there was a stage at the end of the room that was extended by some sort of catwalk that ended nearly at the other side. They continued to walk until reached the tables on the left side of the stage and Seunghyun gestured to him to sit down in one of the booths. As he sat down and pulled Seunghyun onto the comfortable leather, Jiyong continued to scan the room — it was relatively well lit as more and more people came down the stairs and took their seats as well and then suddenly the lights went out and the crowd started to cheer as the lights dimmed.

 

Suddenly light flooded the stage as someone stepped out from behind the curtain and Jiyong could only gap — the person wore high heels, tights and a night gown made out of silk and faux fur. Underneath it looked like there was some sort of corset with a see through belt and too many straps to count, but that wasn’t necessarily what made Jiyong gasp — it was the makeup and the wig. Jiyong had heard about drag shows and drag queens and vaguely remembered seeing something about the first Drag Parade in South Korea last year, but seeing someone in full drag up close like this? Never happened before, but he was intrigued.

 

Music started to blast from speakers and the performer on stage introduced herself as Kuciia Diamant and started to sing and dance and Jiyong could only stare — the outfit was amazing and the crowd started to cheer her on as she walked down the catwalk and started to flirt and dance with the crowd and Jiyong felt a huge smile spread across his lips and before he knew what was happening the song was over and another drag queen appeared on stage next to Kuciia and started to goof around on stage, act out different scenes and made everyone laugh in delight — he was so absorbed into the show that he didn’t even notice Seunghyun looking at him, he only realized his boyfriend was watching him more than the show when he placed one big hand on his thigh and Jiyong looked his way.

 

Seunghyun was leaning with one elbow on the desk, propping his face up on his hand as his eyes remained glued on Jiyong with a gentle smile on his lips and his eyes shining. Jiyong let out a short laugh, close-lipped and a bit embarrassed and his cheeks startet to redden.

 

“I take you like this and it was a good idea?“

 

Jiyong leaned over against Seunghyun’s shoulder and groaned — he didn’t really know why he was so embarrassed right now, but he also didn’t really feel bad about enjoying this so much. It probably was because he was here with Seunghyun — anyone else would have probably made fun of him, but not his boyfriend.

 

He lifted his head and kissed him deeply. “Yes, thank you for bringing me here. I love it.“ Jiyong felt warm and a familiar tingle in the pit of his stomach — Seunghyun had really tried his best to cheer him up and this had worked perfectly. He loved the music, the show, the outfits — everything and the queens on stage were nothing but wonderful and hilarious.

 

The show continued and the drinks got more and more and by the fifth drink Jiyong felt an all too familiar buzz. By now Seunghyun had laid one arm across Jiyong’s shoulder and pulled him against his chest as they leaned back — his cheeks warm and spirits high. He still watched the show with great enthusiasm, giggling and laughing out loud, nearly spilling his drink on Seunghyun’s chest, but as the time went on he got more and more distracted by how good Seunghyun smelled and by the end of the sixth drink he straight up nuzzled his face against the crook of his boyfriend’s neck and started to leave heated kisses on the side of his throat, licking and bitting him there too and he giggled even more when he felt Seunghyun tense up and jump underneath of him.

  
“You really think this is a good idea to start _now_ , baby?“

 

“I don’t know what you mean, my love.“, Jiyong’s voice was low and sweet as honey as he looked up at Seunghyun with big eyes and an innocent smile on his lips — the smile remained as his hand started to wander and he let it wander up Seunghyun’s thigh until he grabbed his crotch and caressed him through his pants.

 

The arm around his shoulder tensed up even more and so did the rest of his body, but Seunghyun didn’t push him away or told him to stop and Jiyong took that as a good sign — but instead of going further he cuddled up against his side again, his hand never leaving Seunghyun’s dick though and he smirked when he felt how hard he got.

 

“You are evil you know that?“ Seunghyun’s voice sounded breathless and his boyfriend suddenly let his head fall back against the cushioned leather of the booth and groaned deeply — Jiyong could feel the vibrations and as a reward he rubbed just a little bit harder.

 

Jiyong continued to watch the show as if nothing was going on at all, even switched hands so he could pick up as drink and take another sip, while touching his boyfriend under the table — Seunghyun’s hand had slipped from his shoulder down to his waist and the side of his hip and his fingers were digging into it. The grip was strong enough that it would probably leave bruises, but Jiyong didn’t mind. If anything, he _loved_ it to the point that he felt himself getting all hot underneath the collar as well.

 

He heard Seunghyun’s breath hitch several times and the hot hair whenever he breathed out tickled his ear and it was getting harder and harder to pretend that he was ignoring Seunghyun and watching the show.

 

Suddenly, Seunghyun moved even closer — his lips nearly touching his ear and his voice thick and deep as gravels and it sent shivers down Jiyong’s spine. “Are you sure you want to tease me like that? What if I just drag you to the bathroom and we play a bit?“

 

As if his voice wasn’t effecting him enough, Seungyhun started to bite and nibble at his ear and neck and Jiyong tensed up — shit, he hadn’t even thought about Seunghyun taking revenge and his heartbeat picked up immediately. Without missing a beat he pulled back his hand and got up from the booth, quickly walking over to the restroom — it was a small door next to their booth, stairs leading down to a corridor and Jiyong nearly ran down the stairs as soon as he heard the door fall shut behind him. He went inside, quickly checking if the stalls were empty and just as Seunghyun stumbled into the room, he grabbed him by his shoulders and pulled him into the stall at the back. The light was dim and just enough to see and the walls were in a dark, deep red — posters everywhere, but Jiyong didn’t really pay any attention to them. Instead, he pulled Seunghyun inside the stall and backed him up against the door as soon as it fell shut behind him and locked it. His lips dived into his and he nearl shoved his tongue down his mouth and jumped him, but then Seunghyun grabbed him by his wrists and turned them over — pressing Jiyong against the door and effectively trapping him beside the cool material behind his back and his own hot body, his erection pressing against his lower stomach.

 

They dived into each other with raw hunger and suddenly Seunghyun’s hands were everywhere — his sides, his ass, his thighs — caressing him, while he sucked Jiyong’s lower lip between his teeth, making him moan out. The music was still audible from upstairs, even when if it was muffled.

 

Jiyong pulled his hands down from above his head where Seunghyun had placed them before, greedy fingers immediately going for the fly of his pants, opening it quickly and taking him out — his hands closed around Seunghyun’s cock, smearing the precum down the shaft, making it easier to touch him and then Jiyong pulled back from the kiss, shooting one last cheeky grin at Seunghyun, before he dropped down to his knees and left kitten licks on the head, then circled it with his tongue and dipped it into the slit. He smirked even more as he felt his boyfriend’s thighs starting to shake and saw how his eyes had turned almost black.

 

He finally took the tip into his mouth, suckling at it until he felt Seunghyun getting impatient — thrusting his hips forward in order to get his dick deeper inside Jiyong’s mouth and Jiyong let him. With his eyes still trained up at Seunghyun, he placed his hands on his ass and even pushed him a bit forward, signaling him to continue and Seunghyun was too far gone to do anything but do as Jiyong said. He pushed himself further into his mouth and Jiyong started to relax his jaw and throat, his neck and even his shoulders — he pushed until the head of his cock pressed against the back of Jiyong’s throat and the pressure made him tear up, but he didn’t pull away. He liked the heavy feeling of a cock in his mouth, pressing against his tongue and cheeks as he hollowed them and sucked — liked the taste and how it made it hard to breath, too and then Seunghyun started to move in earnest. Thrusting into his mouth over and over again — each time a little bit deeper and Jiyong continued to press against his ass — he wanted him to go faster, to go harder, to fuck his mouth and Seunghyun understood.

 

He grabbed Jiyong by his hair with both hands, tilting his head a bit and then started to fuck his mouth — tears swelled up in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks and Jiyong felt himself grow fully hard in his pants. Seunghyun looked so fucking good like this — eyes dark with lust, eyebrows twisting into a glare and strong hands holding him in place. He liked to be on his knees even if all he could do was groan and moan and _take_ what his boyfriend had to offer — his hands made quick work of his own fly, freeing his aching erection and started to pump in time with Seunghyun’s thrusts. He heard the low groans and knew that Seunghyun wasn’t far from coming — his movements were getting erratic and he could feel his dick throbbing in his mouth, could even taste it — more and more precum spilled. It was getting hard to breath and his vision got blurry, but he held on — he wanted to be good for Seunghyun, to see him shatter and he wanted to taste him on his tongue —

 

Seunghyun thrusted one last time into his mouth — his nose almost touching his pubic hair — and came, groaning out profanities. He left his mouth wide open and stuck out his tongue  as Seunghyun pulled back and continued to jack himself as cum spilled from him in long, thick robes — landing on Jiyong’s tongue, on his lips and trickled down his face. Jiyong collapsed back against the door — breathless, gasping for air, as he continued to touch himself. He felt Seunghyun’s intense gaze on his skin as he looked down on him — what pretty picture must he be right now? Legs spread, pants undone, cock out and face and mouth covered in his cum as he tried to get himself off.

 

“Seunghyun, I —“, his voice broke off into a moan as Seunghyun dragged his foot against the insides of his thigh and pressed the tip slightly against his balls and Jiyong’s hips jumped at the contact, rutting forward for extra pressure.

 

“Look at you down there, all desperate — who would have thought you’d get off like that to me pushing you around, hm? Do you like it?“, Jiyong’s blood was on fire and he could only nod, whimpering as sparks of pleasure erupted inside of him and he suddenly came with a silent scream on his lips — back arching like a bow as the orgasm rolled through him and then he collapsed backwards once more. His thighs were shaking and his knees felt weak, even though he was already sitting — Seunghyun was immediately by his side, wiping away the drying cum from his face and helping Jiyong getting himself properly dressed again. When their eyes met they froze for a moment, before erupting in giggles.

 

“Did we really just do this at a public place?“

 

“I think we did — yes.“

 

“Oh god, I just hope no one heard us.“

 

As if on cue they both stopped moving for a second, trying to hear any outside noises from other visitors, but all they could hear was the loud music from upstairs and the crowd still cheering. Jiyong exhaled the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding and a few seconds later he got pulled up by Seunghyun — he still felt weak in his knees and held onto him for better support.

 

Seunghyun slowly opened the door and peaked outside, to see if anyone was in the restroom, and pulled Jiyong out of the stall when no one seemed to be inside. Jiyong walked up to the sinks with wobbly legs and immediately held on to the edge. He really couldn’t remember when he came this hard — was this really his sex life from now on? Getting better and better with everything they tried and did? He had to giggle again at that thought and even more when he saw the concerned look on Seunghyun’s face.

 

“Are you okay?“

 

Jiyong couldn’t even form words, just laughed harder and just nodded.

 

“What, don’t tell me I accidentally literally fucked your brains out.“ There was something about how Seunghyun had deadpanned that made Jiyong nearly fall over with laughter — it was stupid, to be this happy and high on endorphins and all the other semiochemicals.

 

“No, you didn’t don’t worry.“ — his voice was soft and a bit thin and Jiyong had to clear his throat a couple of times to properly speak again. A side effect of his boyfriend fucking his mouth apparently.

 

“You sure? Should I try again?“, there was now a smirk on his lips and amusement in his voice.

 

“I mean, we could do that again when we are at your place..“

 

Jiyong finally looked into the mirror and nearly didn’t recognize his own reflection. His lips were red and swollen, eyes still a bit glassy from crying and his hair a total mess — he quickly reached up to calm his hair, pressing it down — and then he felt strong arms around his hip and Seunghyun’s face nuzzling against the back of his head and kissing his nape.

 

“I wouldn’t mind if you spent the night, actually.“

 

He grinned again — bumping out his ass and playfully nudging Seunghyun with his behind.

 

“I see, you just want me for my oral skills — that’s how it is.“

 

“Well, what can I say — you _do_ have a very talented tongue.“

 

Jiyong turned around in his embrace and pulled him down — their noses touching for a moment as Jiyong stroke Seunghyun’s cheek and kissed him, both of them smiling into the kiss.

 

“— and I have a boyfriend with a great cock and a deep voice so I guess it’s a win win for the both of us.“

 

“You like my voice that much, huh?“

 

Jiyong bit his lips, cheeks getting a bit red.

 

“Yes.“

 

“Good to know — .“ Seunghyun leaned down and placed another kiss on his lips.

 

“For future references and so on.“, he cheekily winked at Jiyong and Jiyong swatted his chest — grinning up at him. “Gosh, you are terrible!“

 

“I have heard that quiet a lot today already, but I actually think I am pretty good don’t you think?“, he dragged his thumb across Jiyong’s bottom lip and smirked at him again and Jiyong pushed him away, groaning, but still smiling.

 

“Oh, shut up. Come on — let’s go back to see the show, thanks to you we probably missed most of it by now.“

 

“Thanks to me? You were the one that started to grope me —“

 

“Seunghyun?“

 

“Yes?“

 

“Shut up.“

 

They shared one last kiss before they finally made their way up to the stage again and sat down in their booth. Seunghyun ordered another drink for the both of them and one extra glass of water for Jiyong — his throat still felt a bit sore and he nearly gulped the glass down in one go.

 

In the end, the show only lasted ten or twenty more minutes, before the drag queens started to leave the stage and the light got turned back on again — Seunghuyn had his arm around Jiyong’s waist again as they walked up the stairs, letting it drop down lower and slipped into the back pocket of his pants and Jiyong couldn’t help but do the same with Seunghyun.

 

It took them a bit longer to find get a cab this time, but they finally managed and after twenty five more minutes they finally walked into Seunghyun’s flat and only then did Jiyong realize how tired and drained he actually felt — the muscles in his neck were stiff and his eyes got heavy and he couldn’t stifle the yawn that broke through his lips.

 

“Tired?“

 

“Mhm..“

 

“Come here.“

 

He took Jiyong by his hand, walking him into his bedroom and pulled out some clothes to sleep in for him and he gladly took them — without thinking twice he stripped down naked and slipped into the oversized shirt that hit him right above his knees and wordlessy crawled into Seunghyun’s bed and collapsed into the soft pillows.

 

“Might I say that you have a fantastic ass, especially when you crawl like that in front of me on all fours?“

 

Jiyong grinned and lifted his hips a bit, waggling his ass from left to right, before giggling against and turning around a bit so he could see his boyfriend better.

 

“Yes you might.“, he watched as Seunghyun changed as well and his mouth watered at the sight — he loved his long legs, his strong chest and his shoulders. — as well as his dick, but that he had already told him. His boyfriend changed into underwear and a longsleeved shirt and crawled into bed next to Jiyong.

 

“If I had any say in this, you would be naked all the time. It’s a shame that you always wear long sleeves and hide your beautiful body like this.“ Seunhyung pulled Jiyong back against his chest, spooning him from behind.

 

“Well, stay over more often and we can work on me being naked all the time.“

 

Jiyong felt Seunghyun press another kiss to his nape and he pulled Seunghyun’s arm tighter around his waist.

 

“Sounds good, baby.“

 

A soft chuckle.

 

“Goodnight, love.“

 

 

“Goodnight.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me forever to finsih. 
> 
> Tbh I am a bit stuck with my writing since the last chapter - not because I struggle with the plot,   
> but because I just can't properly write, almost as if I am blocked and it's bugging me so much   
> because I want to write good chapters, but I feel like they don't come out as the previous ones.
> 
> Meh. I hope this passes.


	14. fourteen

Jiyong woke up earlier than usually on weekends — the sun hadn’t even fully risen yet, but he was already awake. It was still way too early though to get up and be productive and Seunghyun was still sleeping peacefully next to him so there wasn’t much he could do right now anyways — which was why he simply took his time to look at his boyfriend a bit. 

 

He always had been a bit envious of how good Seunghyun looked, but he more and more fell in love with the way he looked to the point that he didn‘t even feel envious. It also helped that Seunghyun showered him in compliments, making sure he knew how much he liked the way Jiyong looked and that was a huge ego boost.

 

With careful hands he pushed down the blanket that was still covering Seunghyun, who was sleeping on his back, and exposed his chest and stomach. Jiyong slowly started to push up his boyfriend’s shirt until he had free range over his chest and stomach and Jiyong had to bite his lip — Seunghyun looked utterly delicious. He just wanted to lick and bite every millimeter of skin and cover him in hickeys. Jiyong carefully crawled in Seunghyun‘s lap and smirked when he felt the other one stirr underneath of him — his eyelids moved and before long Seunghyun opened his sleepy eyes and smiled when he saw Jiyong in his lap. He pushed his arms aside and stretched, groaning in pleasure as his muscles tensed up for a moment before going slack again and Jiyong can‘t help but stare at the way his boyfriend‘s muscles moved. 

 

“Good morning — seems like someone is up early?“, as if to underline his words Seunghyun thrusted his hips upwards, brushing his crotch against Jiyong‘s and he immediately felt himself growing hard. Seunghyun just smirked up at him and before he could do anything, he was on his back, pinned to the bed with his boyfriend looming over him, trailing hot kisses down his neck. His mouth fell open and breathy moans slipped from his lips as Seunghyun started to suck and lick at his nipples, drawing them into his mouth and only stopping when they were hard and erect. Waves of pleasure erupted from his nipples and rolled through his body — with every nip at his nipples he could feel his dick twitch in interest and within seconds he was a moaning mess. 

 

Seunghyun pulled back for a moment, staring at Jiyong and a shiver ran down his spine — Seungyhun‘s eyes were dark and playful and god he wanted to just grab him and kiss him senseless. 

 

“I want to try something —“, Seunghyun‘s hands caressed his thighs, “—will you let me?“

 

Excitement filled him and without even knowing what Seunghyun wanted to do to him he nodded — to eager to please him. Seunghyun smiled down at him, grabbed his hips and manhandled him until he was turned around, kneeling on his hands and knees. Seunghyun let one hand move along Jiyong‘s spin — until he reached the place between his shoulder blades and pushed him down, face first, into the mattress. Jiyong curled his arms against his chest and tried to look at Seunghyun, but he got pushed down again — stopping him from moving around to much. He felt strong hands on his thighs, pushing them, spreading them apart a bit and Jiyong suddenly felt shy — this pose was new to him and having himself be presented like that was embarrassing to say the least, but there was also something awfully thrilling and exciting about being spread out like this for his boyfriend. 

 

“If you don't like what I am doing, say ‘stop‘ and I will — okay?“

 

“Okay.“

 

He could feel his nervous heartbeat everywhere — what was he planning to do? Seunghyun continued to grope his butt, kneading it with strong hands and Jiyong couldn’t help but moan at the feeling. He loved it when Seunghyun touched him like that, rough and possessive — it made him feel wanted. 

 

His hands grabbed his cheeks and the Seunghyun spread them and Jiyong was going to ask what he was planning to do when he suddenly felt something wet and soft and hot prope against his entrance — it whirled around, circled his rim, before dipping inside and it made Jiyong‘s toes curl. He fisted the material of the bedsheets in his hands, held onto them. “Seunghyun, what —“, but his voice broke off into a moan as his tongue started to lick and suck on his rim. 

 

Jiyong had heard about this years ago when he was younger, but he had never really paid much mind to it let alone felt the desire to do this to anyone, with anyone, but now here he was — spread open with Seunghyun‘s head between his cheeks, eating him out and he silently cursed at himself for not asking for this sooner.

 

“Do you want me to stop?“

 

“Don‘t you dare!“, Jiyong felt his cheeks burn as Seunghyun chuckled darkly and lowered his lips back down, kissing and sucking his skin into his mouth and then — finally — slipped his tongue inside again and Jiyong saw stars. His tongue was pliant one second, massaging his walls delicately and then he’d push it all the way inside digging the tip of his tongue against his walls and made him scream. 

 

He had never thought that something could feel this good. 

 

Jiyong whaled and sobbed tried to thrust back into Seunghyun‘s face, to get him even deeper inside of him. He was too lost in the pleasure to realize anything else that could possibly be going on, but then suddenly, he felt a wet finger alongside the tongue circling his rim and he spread his knees just a bit further apart to show Seunghyun he wanted more. 

 

Seunghyun started with one finger, shoving it carefully inside of him — testing to see if it was okay with Jiyong to add another one and as Jiyong didn‘t voice any disapproval he did. He twisted them around a bit, to get Jiyong to loosen up a bit and when he was seemingly relaxed enough for his boyfriend’s taste, Jiyong got turned around again so he was laying on his back — looking up at Seunghyun with big, glassy eyes, already panting harshly. 

 

“I want to see your face.“ — his voice was deep and he had that look on his face again, the one that made him feel as if Seunghyun would just jump him and eat him up at any given moment and he smiled up at him, dazed and mind fogged with lust. Jiyong immediately wrapped his legs around Seunghyun‘s middle and his arms around his neck, pulling him into a deep kiss — one hand took the hand that had been inside of him again and pushed it between his legs. 

 

“Come on, fuck me some more.“

 

He could see how much those words affected his boyfriend — nostrils flaring, eyes widening and the muscles in his jaw worked as he stared down at his smaller boyfriend — Jiyong just bit his lower lip, smiling up at him with one of his innocent smiles and then, finally, Seunghyun pushed his fingers inside again. But this time he started to curl them upwards, dragging them against his walls and Jiyong knew what he was looking for — he spread his legs a bit further, leveraging his weight on his heels and pushed up his pelvic, moving it against Seunghyun‘s hand to help him find the angle he craved and it didn’t take long at all. 

 

His fingers were a bit longer and thicker than Jiyong’s and that small fact made this better than what he vaguely remembered from his drunken call when he was in New York City — it felt a thousand times better anyways, because now he finally had Seunghyun here with him, touching him, between his legs, looking down at him as if he was the most delicious meal he had ever consumed — and then he curled his fingers just right and Jiyong‘s eyes rolled back in his skull.

 

He didn’t hold back any moans or curses — instead he continued to roll his hips, fucking himself on Seunghyun‘s fingers as his own digged into his boyfriend‘s shoulders and forearm. 

 

Seunghyun didn’t spare him a second to calm down — instead he slipped down between his legs, leaving a trail of marks down his chest and stomach and dipped his tongue into his belly button, and then took him into his mouth and everything got a little bit too much. They way his fingers spread him open and rubbed him in all the right places, the way he could feel Seunghyun‘s hot breath against his skin or his hot mouth sucking at his dick, his tongue circling his head and sensitive vein right underneath of it — Jiyong let his fingers run through the thick mess of Seunghyun‘s hair frantically, brushing through them over and over again, until he finally grabbed them harshly and pushed Seunghyun all the way down on his dick and combined with the way his fingers curled up inside of him he came. Thick ropes of cum filled his boyfriend’s mouth and then he want slack — nerve endings buzzing and he felt the afterglow rushing through his body, a happy and spent smile spread across his face as he tried to get air back into his lung. 

 

“I assume you liked what I did?“ — Seunghyun‘s voice was low and teasing as he smirked down at Jiyong. He was still kneeling between his legs and Jiyong could see how painfully hard his boyfriend was — he pulled himself up and pushed himself forward until he was sitting in front of him, playfully stroking him through the fabric of his underwear. “I really did, Hyung.“, he slightly let his nails run over the heated skin and Jiyong smirked when he felt Seunghyun shudder under his ministration. 

 

“Want me to do something about this?“ His fingers continued to play with Seunghyun‘s cock and one look from his boyfriend was enough to tell Jiyong want he wanted — he smirked up at him, before he grabbed him and positioned him to sit at the edge of the bed and sank down between his spread legs. He let his fingers run along the muscles in Seunghyun's strong thighs and watched him as he slowly, oh so slowly removed his underwear and pulled off his shirt until Seunghyun was completely naked in front of him — his cock was hard and swollen and Jiyong placed kisses on the tip of it. 

 

“Come on, Hyung.“ — a few licks before he opened his mouth, took him all the way inside and released him with a loud smacking noise. “ — I want you to fuck my mouth again.“ 

 

And Seunghyun did. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later they finally managed to disentangle themselves and Seunghyun chased Jiyong into the kitchen — swatting his butt playfully until he bullied him against the fridge to kiss him once more. 

 

“— and now go sit down while I prepare breakfast for us.“ 

 

“Okay, okay!“ 

 

He quickly sat down on the bar stool at the kitchen isle as he watched his boyfriend work his magic in the kitchen — only wearing a shirt, just like himself, but it wasn’t too big on Seunghyun. They hang down low, but not low enough to cover his perfect ass or cock — even when soft his dick looked good and he couldn’t help but stare. Jesus, since when was he so dick oriented — apparently he was way gayer than originally planned, but now that he had Seunghyun he really didn’t mind. 

 

Jiyong was about to drift back into his x-rated fantasy world while staring at Seunghyun‘s dick when he heard his phone ring at the other side of the room. He quickly walked over to it and picked up at the third ring. 

 

“Hello?“

 

“Hey, dad.“ — Jiyong nearly dropped his phone.

 

“Hanbin? Is that you? How are you — is everything okay?“

 

“Yes — actually uh, I was wondering if we could like, you know — meet up? To talk? If you aren‘t busy that is and—“

 

“No! No, I am not busy — we just got up and I‘d love to meet up and talk. Whenever you are ready just say the word and I will be there.“

 

“‘We‘? Are you staying at someone‘s place?“ He stopped in his tracks, suddenly nervous to say something. “Well, technically I am staying with SooJoo at the moment, because I want to move into my old house you know — the one where we often spent summer, but I hadn‘t had the time yet to really move things.“ 

 

It almost seemed as if Hanbin wanted to ask more questions, but kept quiet. “Okay, how about we meet up after I drop Bobby off at training about two thirty? At the park?“

 

Jiyong smiled — apparently all big events were more or less drawn to that park. Where he first met Seunghyun, where they finally made up and now where he hopefully would make up with his son again. “Yes, sounds perfect. See you then?“

 

“Yeah, see you. Bye dad.

 

“Bye Binnie.“

 

His fingers were shaking as he ended the call and his heart was beating a mile per second. He felt nervous already, but Hanbin had sounded calm — a but curious, too and he probably did have a lot of questions. Jiyong sighed and put down his phone again, walking back to Seunghyun who had quietly watched him from behind the kitchen island. “Are you okay?“ 

 

Jiyong‘s eyes snapped up to his boyfriend and smiled weakly. “I think so? Hanbin wants to meet up and talk and I think I will have a lot of explaining to do and I‘m just nervous I think. I mean, what if we talk and he decides that he doesn’t like what he hears?“ 

 

Seunghyun pulled the pan away from the stove, put everything aside and walked round the island — he took Jiyong's hands in his and kissed each knuckle. “Hanbin called you — he called you. That‘s already a good sign, isn‘t it? I know it is easier said than done, but just try to keep calm and when he starts asking questions try to explain everything as best as you can and don‘t rush it. From what you told me I can tell that Hanbin is such a sweet kid and he knows what coming out is like and how hard the situation can be — one way or another.“, he placed another sweet kiss on his forehead and Jiyong had to smile at the soft touch of his lips on his forehead.

 

“I think you will do amazing — and now, before you can worry too much I want you to eat something.“, before he even could do so much as think about protesting, Seunghyun took him by his shoulders and whirled him around and guided him to the table and sat him down. Within two minutes the table was set and after some encouraging words from his boyfriend, Jiyong really did start to eat — his stomach was twisting a bit uncomfortable since he was nervous, but it was better to have some food in him than to not eat until he was going to see Hanbin and that was something he had to accept as true. Besides, Seunghyun‘s food always tasted delicious so that was a plus, too. 

 

 

 

 

When the time finally rolled around for him to get dressed Seunghyun gave him some of his clothes again, since Jiyong hadn't really packed anything — a long sleeved shirt that was a bit too big on him, underwear and socks. Using his boyfriend‘s pants wasn’t really an option because for one his legs were a lot longer than his own and he would have to roll up the cuffs and that would look stupid, and for another Jiyong‘s legs were also slim and not as muscular as Seunghyun‘s were so it would look extra weird on him and he didn‘t really want Hanbin to realize within 0.2 seconds that he was not wearing his own clothes, because he had spent the night with his boyfriend while they were talking about this whole mess. His own pants from the day before — a dark pair of jeans — were thankfully still good to wear. The only thing Jiyong took as well was an old hoodie he had found in Seunghyun‘s wardrobe — the printed logo on the front was already fading, but the material was soft and nice and it smelled like Seunghyun and he knew that Hanbin would realize that it was not his own, but he couldn’t resist, because this way he had something with him he could snuggle with when Seunghyun wasn’t around that smelled like him. He was just weak like that — plus he could always say that it belonged to SooJoo who had taken it with her after a photoshooting.

 

Seunghyun just smiled as he saw his boyfriend freshly showered and in his clothes — Jiyong more felt than saw Seunghyun doing a once over and checking him out and he smirked. “Like what you see?“

 

“You, wearing my clothes and looking adorable after spending a night with me? Absolutely not, how dare you think I like that sort of thing.“, his voice was completely emotionless, but the happy smile that tugged at his lips said more than a thousand words and Jiyong quickly walked over to him and kissed him. “Good.“

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jiyong arrived ten minutes early — Seunghyun had dropped him off near the entrance of the park, reassuring him with calm, sweet words and kissing him while they were still in the car. He also gave Jiyong a scarf he had always kept in his car and when Jiyong asked for what Seunghyun simply smiled and smugly said ‘nice neck‘ and he mildly panicked and looked into the mirror — Jesus there were hickeys on his neck and as he pulled down the collar of the hoodie he saw that there were even more on his collarbone. It was like he was a teenager, just worse and now he couldn’t stop the pleased and lazy grin that spread over his face — with a careful touch he stroke over the purple and red spots. He liked the way they looked on his skin — he really did, but he was grateful that Seunghyun gave him the scarf. He had scolded Hanbin more than once to cover up or told them to at least place them where not everyone could see them — what would it look like if he suddenly was the one with hickeys on his neck? Definitely not a good role model. 

 

Seunghyun kissed him one last time, before driving off and Jiyong was on his own — he watched the car until it rounded a corner and disappeared from his sight. Okay, now was the time to focus and find Hanbin. 

 

The park was relatively empty — there were a few kids with their parents and siblings, playing on the playground a few meters away, right next to the entrance and Jiyong had to smile when he walked past them. More than once had he come here with Hanbin after work or on the weekends — Hanbin had lost his first tooth at the slide when he was little and had his first scraped knee, for which he got scolded for by Chaerin because how could this happen if you were right next to him all the time! 

 

He walked a bit further until he reached a familiar bank — it was the same he and Seunghyun had sat on all those months ago and like a moth drawn to a flame he sat down on it, and waited. Hanbin hadn’t exactly said where they would meet, but the bank was more or less in the middle of the park and was probably the best place to sit at when you wanted someone to find you — and he didn‘t have to wait long. Five minutes before time, Hanbin appeared next to him with a nervous smile on his lips. 

 

Jiyong‘s first reaction was to jump up and hug his son, but as he saw how nervous Hanbin was he stopped himself and smiled at him instead. 

 

“Hey, Binnie.“

 

“Hey, dad.“

 

There was an awkward pause. 

 

“Do you maybe want to walk around for a bit?“

 

“Uh, sure!“

 

Jiyong stood up and started to walk — this awkwardness was terrible and he just wanted to be over with it and be able to talk to his son again like he always had, but starting this conversation was harder than he had anticipated. 

 

Hanbin fell into step with him. 

 

“Okay then — I don‘t know about you, but I feel a bit awkward. I know you have a lot of questions so instead of this painful silence just ask what you want to ask me. You can ask me really anything you want, I think I owe you that much.“ 

 

Hanbin played with his fingers — the same habit Jiyong had when he was nervous — and continued to look at the ground as their walked. He could practically see how his son was mulling things over in his head, probably trying to figure out how to ask what he wanted to know. 

 

He stopped in his tracks and so did Jiyong. 

 

“Are you really gay?“

 

Jiyong had to smile a bit — “I wouldn‘t ruin my marriage with Chaerin if I wasn‘t.“, Hanbin still looked at him with uncertain eyes. “Yes Hanbin, I am gay.“

 

Something flared up in his eyes, but Jiyong couldn’t really pinpoint what emotion it was so he kept quiet as Hanbin simply nodded. 

 

“If you are gay then why did you marry Mom? I mean, why play pretend — I just don‘t understand it. I could never be with a girl, let alone pretend for so long to love her and even marry her and have kids.“

 

Jiyong sighed. “You never really knew your grandfather or grandmother — I tried to keep you sheltered from the damage they could do to you and up until this day I don‘t regret keeping them away from you, Bin. You see, my father wasn‘t exactly the most tolerant person. He drank a lot, gambled, all that stuff and whenever I had done something he didn‘t like he‘d simply take his belt and beat me — one time, I was still a kid, I found Dami‘s make-up and played with it. Like kids to — they find something they think looks nice and play with it, and I had seen Dami use it and I thought it looked good so I tried as well, but when my father saw he didn‘t like it at all and that was probably the worst beating I ever got.“

 

“He hit me over and over again, saying that I should never do something like that, because it was something only ‘faggots‘ did and he told me that he didn‘t raise his son to be one — that if I would turn out like that, that I wouldn’t see the sun rise ever again. He said that queer people were ‘abominations of god‘. Back then, I didn‘t even know I was gay — but once I realized that I didn't like girls the way I should, I panicked. I panicked and tried to compensate — I went out a lot, picked up girls, did everything I could so people would never associate the word ‘gay‘ with me. I was too scared of my father — and my mother wasn‘t much of a help either. She shared her husband‘s opinion on gay people and they weren‘t the only ones.“

 

“I still remember that someone in the small town my cousin grew up in came out so to say — he was caught kissing some other guy from out of town — and basically the whole town treated him like a monster. His parents even locked him up for a while and when he went out to get groceries, because his parents gave him the ultimatum — either he would give up the gayness or starve — they would throw him out of the store. My cousin even threw a can at his head — he told me himself and was even proud of what he did.“

 

“In the end, the kid hanged himself, and he wasn't the only one. Whenever I thought maybe the times were getting better, I heard that some kid got beaten up or killed themself because they liked the same sex, instead of the opposite. I already told you when you came out that I was worried about you and that wasn‘t a lie —— I grew up in a different time and coming out was basically a death sentence back then. I‘m sure that I am not the only one who tried to hide their sexuality.“

 

Hanbin had just stayed quiet, listening to what his father was telling him and the more he spoke, the more scared and hurt Hanbin looked — by the time he was done there were tears in his eyes and he swallowed heavily and brushed away the small drops of tears. “Okay, I get that part — I really do, but you could have just marry her and not have a child? I don‘t know it‘s just that I fear that you didn‘t actually want me and-“ 

 

It broke Jiyong‘s heart that Hanbin could even think about something like that, but it broke his heart even more as he saw the fear in Hanbin‘s eyes that it could be true — that Jiyong only got a child with Hanbin to protect himself and that having a child just happened. He didn‘t even let him finish, but instead, pulled his son into a tight hug — and Hanbin crumbled. Tears started to fall and he cringed onto Jiyong and Jiyong simply held him, not letting him go. 

 

“Hanbin-“, he pulled away a bit to look at his son, “- I always wanted to have a child. Me being gay doesn‘t change that — you are my son and I love you, I am so happy that I have you in my life. When Chaerin told me she was pregnant with you I started to cry — growing up the way I did I had always feared that I wouldn‘t be able to become a father, let alone be a good one. I thought that I would fuck up like my old man had, but then I had you and you are the best thing that ever happened to me, Bin. I am so proud of you and I am proud to say that you are my son and that will never change — not Mom and me separating, not me finally coming out as gay, nothing. You are my son and I love you and you are wanted.“ 

 

“I love you too, dad.“ — this time it was Jiyong‘s time to cry; he hadn‘t realized how much he had needed to hear these words, to know that his son didn‘t repudiated him, that he still cared for him and that he was still wanted as a father. 

 

It took them quite a bit to calm themselves down and Jiyong was grateful that Seunghyun had made him take a pack of tissues with him, because otherwise the both of them would have been a total mess. Hanbin took the tissues and blew his nose, drying his tears and when they were both done they even smiled at each other again. 

 

 

 

 

 

“So, you and this guy — are you two serious?“ 

 

Jiyong had taken them both to an ice cream shop not too far away from the park and got them both a huge cup of ice cream each — he didn’t he would nearly choke on it, though. 

 

“Uh, what?“

 

“The guy you kissed the other day, are you guys serious?“

 

“Uhm-“, he suddenly felt his cheeks heating up — for Christ’s sake he was an adult he shouldn’t react like a teenager being asked about their first boy- or girlfriend by their parents; hell, he was the parent.

 

“Yeah, we are.“

 

“Oh, good.“, Hanbin took another bite of his ice cream. 

 

“Good?“

 

“To be honest, when I first saw the two of you I didn‘t recognize you. I wasn‘t wearing my glasses like you always tell me to or my contacts, so I only saw the silhouette of two guys playing around, tickling each other and kissing and thought it was really sweet — you don‘t really see this kind of affection a lot here, especially between adults and I don‘t know. I walked closer and the guy just looked at you like you were the sun and the moon and it was the same look Bobby gives me sometimes — so yeah, it‘s good that you two are serious. You seemed really happy and the way you laughed was really carefree, too — when I realized it was you I kinda blocked it all out, too shocked, but in hindsight I can say that you truly looked happy.“

 

Jiyong had to swallow the lump in his throat — he knew that Hanbin was a softie, he was just as bad, but hearing this made him smile. It was so sweet.

 

“Thank you, Bin. Really.“

 

“No problem.“, he continued to poke at his ice cream with his spoon.

 

“So, when will I meet him?“

 

Jiyong stopped eating his own ice cream and stared at his son. “You want to meet him? Really?“ Up until now he hadn‘t even thought about the possibility of Seunghyun and Hanbin meeting; he had been too busy with freaking out about anything else. 

 

“Sure, I mean — he is your boyfriend, right? You got to meet Bobby, it is only fair that I get to meet your boyfriend, too. What‘s his name?“

 

“Seunghyun — and sure, if you want I can arrange that.“

 

Hanbin suddenly smiled at him, stared at him and Jiyong knew that look — it was the look Hanbin gave him whenever he wanted something. He looked at him just like he had when he was five and wanted to get a pony. 

 

“Yes, Hanbin?“

 

“Come on, call him!“

 

“Wait, as in right now?“

 

“No, as in the day after tomorrow — of course now!“

 

Jiyong sighed — he knew his son and he also knew that if he had something he wanted to do or an idea he liked he would cling onto it and do anything in his power to achieve it and that there was no way he wouldn’t be able to get his way. He faintly felt bad for Bobby right now, that poor sot probably had to put up with a lot of things Hanbin made him suffer through, just like when he had been twelve and had been totally obsessed with that one stupid show Jiyong had to watch every season of it, because Hanbin just wanted to talk about that show and that show alone. 

 

“Why are you suddenly so eager to meet him?“

 

Hanbin only shrugged. 

 

“Jesus..“

 

“Just tell him you want to see him because after meeting with me you are emotionally drained and in need of support or something — or do you not want him to meet me? Or me to meet him? Is he not a good guy, is he not treating you well? Are you guys using protection?“

 

“Christ, Hanbin!“

 

“What — it is important!“

 

Jiyong just wanted to crawl under the table. 

 

“Okay, fine I will call him him — just don‘t ask any embarrassing questions okay?“

 

Hanbin just grinned at him, not saying a word as Jiyong called Seunghyun. 

 

 

 

 

Twenty minutes later they stood in front of Seunghyun‘s apartment. Jiyong was torn between being nervous and amused by his son‘s behavior. As soon as they had started to walk to Seunghyun‘s place, Jiyong had been bombarded with questions — Seunghyun‘s job, where they met, if they had gone out on dates already, what his boyfriend did in his free time and what his favourite movie was, stuff like that. 

 

The door got opened and Jiyong was treated by the worried face of his boyfriend — Hanbin stood a bit to his left. 

 

“Jiyong are you okay? Did it not go well-“, Seunghyun immediately was up in his space, hands grabbing his hands and shoulders as if to make sure that he was alright and Jiyong tried his best to suppress a smile.

 

“Well, what can I say-“, he reached over to Hanbin and Seunghyun‘s eyes finally darted to the side as he pulled his son next to him. “- it went well and someone was actually quite eager to meet you?“ 

 

Jiyong bit the insides of his cheeks, praying that Seunghyun would forgive him to just show up with Hanbin in tow like that — when he had called him, he had simply asked if he could come over for a bit and Seunghyun had immediately said that it was totally fine, not really asking any questions, but just telling him to come over. 

 

“Hi!“, he could practically feel Hanbin smiling — or smirking? — next to him. Seunghyun went through several emotions within the span of 0.3 seconds — shock, panic, a bit of happiness and then a little more panic again, but then he let go of Jiyong and smiled at his son. 

 

“Hey, it‘s good to meet you — uh, do you want to come in?“

 

“Sure!“ 

 

Seunghyun stepped aside and smiled warmly as he let Hanbin step into his flat — it was sweet, but Jiyong could also see the panic he tried to mask behind that smile. Hanbin toed off his shoes and slowly walked into the living room, looking around a bit. 

 

“I am so sorry — he just, I don’t know! We talked and he started to ask questions and he suddenly said he wanted to meet you and he is just very persisting when he wants something and I should have told you but-“, he spoke in a hushed, but rushed voice — hoping that Hanbin wouldn’t hear him, while he toed off his shoes as well.

 

“Jiyong, it‘s fine. Really — you caught me a bit off guard, but better this way as we decide to meet some time later and I have more time to beat myself up about it and panic even more.“ 

 

“Really?“ He took a closer look at his boyfriend again — there was still tension in his body language, but not was bad as it been a few seconds ago and the panic in his eyes had been replaced with nervousness and then Seunghyun send him a warm smile and squeezed his hand again. 

 

“Yes, really. I am actually quite happy that I get to meet him — we haven’t really talked about it yet with all that has been going on, but I always wanted to meet your son so stop panicking — you are making me feel nervous again and I am the one who meets your son, not the other way around.“ 

 

“Okay — okay, yes I know you are right, but still. I shouldn’t have dumped this on you like that and-“, he was about to apologize another twenty times when Seunghyun suddenly placed a warm and sweet kiss on his lips and he finally felt himself relax as well. 

 

“Are you feeling better now?“

 

“Yes, thank you.“

 

“Well then, come on let‘s go and let‘s not keep him waiting for too long — that‘s kinda rude.“, there was a smirk tugging at Seunghyun‘s lips.

 

“Oh, and showing up unannounced just like that isn’t?“

 

“Shush, now go.“

 

Jiyong laughed again as he got grabbed by the shoulders, turned around pushed into the living room — maybe this was going to be more fun than he had thought it would be. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, writing two chapters a week is more work than anticipated and it's slowly getting hard to stick to my schedule. I fear that I will have to change it to only updating once a week, meaning I'd update every Sunday. (but I'll try to stick to my current schedule for as long as I can, I just don't want to push too hard bc then it would kill the fun of writing this.)
> 
> Anyway, new chapter and I hope you enjoyed it!


	15. fifteen

Seeing the scene unfold in front of his own eyes was a bit weird to Jiyong — up until now these had been two different realities. His life with his family, Chaerin and Hanbin — the life he had lived until a few weeks ago at least. That was one reality; a reality in which he was happy with his son, his own flesh and blood, but felt as if he was trapped in a cage — unhappy to the bone and unsatisfied with his own life, where he had to pretend to be strong.    
Then there was Seunghyun — the second reality. The man that had made him realize so many things about himself, about what he wanted in life and how he wanted to live it. He was his save space, the space where he could relax and just be himself without being judged, where he could lean back and show his vulnerable sides as well.

 

And now here he was; sitting in Seunghyun’s living room on the couch with Hanbin next to him while Seunghyun got them something to drink — coffee for Jiyong (just how he liked it, with just a dash of milk, no sugar) and for Hanbin chocolate milk, because (according to him) there was nothing worse than coffee, to which Jiyong replied with a dry “you’ll get used to it once you have to, not because it tastes good”. 

 

So here they were — sitting on the couch with Seunghyun in front of them sitting in an armchair; Jiyong had feared that there would be an awkward silence, something that would be hard to break, that would stretch out for ages and only resolve in short, punctionorted answers — but no. Jiyong sometimes forgot how Hanbin had the tendency to just ask what came to his mind, that his brain to mouth filter was something he probably traded as a kid for being able to eat anything he wanted without getting sick, or gaining weight. 

 

Instead of awkward silence, they got awkward questions — about ten each second and once Hanbin had started he just wouldn’t stop. He had already asked Jiyong most of these questions, but for some reason he seemed to be hard pressed on making Seunghyun suffer through them, too. 

 

“When is your birthday?”

 

“4th of November.”

 

“So you’re a scorpio?”

 

“Yes.” — Jiyong groaned, Hanbin had an unhealthy obsession with zodiac signs and everything related to it and he just  _ knew in his bones _ that this would get awkward.

 

“Ah, so you are probably quite possessive and jealous, too. Probably pretty sexual too?”

 

This time, Jiyong choked on his coffee and nearly spilled everything on himself and the couch, coughing up everything that had went down the wrong pipe. “Jesus, Hanbin! What is wrong with you, you can’t go around and ask things like that! You don’t see me poking around in your sex life like this.”

 

“So you admit that you  _ do  _ have a sex life.”

 

He just wanted to strangle his son

 

“Could we move on to other questions, please?” 

 

“Okay, okay.” — Seunghyun had by now gotten both Jiyong and himself a glass of red, this kid really knew how to ask questions that were awkward, but in a weird way his curiosity was adorable. At least Jiyong hoped that Seunghyun thought so too, but from the way he saw his lips curl into a lopsided smile it couldn’t be that bad. 

 

“So, tell me again — how did you guys meet and what was the first impression of Dad you had?”

 

Jiyong took a pillow and hugged it against his body — slowly sipping on his wine now while looking over at Seunghyun out of the corner of his eyes, trying to not make it too obvious that he was staring at him. While he had told Hanbin the story of how they met already, it would be nice to hear what Seunghyun’s first impression of him was. Was it good? Bad?

 

“Well, it was after you came out — I was taking a walk to clear my head a bit. Work had been stressful and back then my son’s birthday had been a few weeks before and I was still a bit troubled about that.” — Hanbin looked at him as if he wanted to ask him more about that, but stored the question away for a later time — “It was a bit cold so I was walking faster than normally and was about to head home when I saw someone sitting on a bench, crying. I didn’t see the person’s face, but I felt bad. I wanted to help them and cheer them up a bit, because if you cry like that there must be a lot going on with you and I just — I have been in a similar position before, so I thought back to what I would have needed back then and someone offering me to talk to them without being judged would what I would have needed the most.”

 

He paused for a moment and looked up from Hanbin to Jiyong. “I walked up to him and when he looked up at me I forgot how to breath for a moment, I know it’s cheesy as hell, but I saw him and just wanted to make his worries disappear. He looked a lot younger than he actually is — he still does — so I was really surprised that we were so close in age, but that made him more attractive to me in a way.”, he looked back at Hanbin and Jiyong felt blood rushing to his cheeks. “We started to talk and he explained everything to me — it is often easier to talk to strangers about what is bothering you than to people close to you — and the longer he talked, the more I felt this strong urge to help him, protect him and be there for him and I think the attraction was instant. Not only because I think he looks amazing, but also something about the way he spoke about everything he had went through, about you and everything related to this whole — not issue, but situation.”

 

“It reminded me so much of what I went through, too and I guess that always makes someone more attractive to you in a way, be it platonic or not — when you find someone who shares the same struggles or interests or anything you are more likely to like them and I quickly realized that Jiyong all had these qualities. He seemed like an open-minded person with a warm heart and that won me over.”

 

Jiyong was positive that his face was just as red as his wine right now, but he didn’t dare to look up. He could hear Hanbin silently laughing at him and his smile only grew bigger as he felt Seunghyun’s eyes on him, too. 

 

“So, what exactly did you guys talk about? You said it was shortly after I came out? How do you know about that?”

 

“Well, when I approached him he told me about it. He told me that his son just came out to him and that he didn’t know what to do and that he felt helpless because of it. We started to talk some more and he told me about what it was like to grow up with homophobic surroundings and that he was afraid that you would have to suffer like that, too — he didn’t even feel the full force of homophobia, because he never came out, but even then it was bad. He said that he wanted you to be happy, but that he also knew how hard it would be for you and that he didn’t want you to suffer like he had —  he didn’t want you to have to hide and pretend to be someone you are not, but he also didn’t want you to get bullied or assaulted simply because of who you love.”

 

This time, Jiyong did look up. He and Hanbin had already talked about this, too. How it was like for Jiyong to grow up and how he had to hide that part of him all his life. But it always felt different when someone else told you the same thing again, but from their perspective and he could clearly see how much these words affected Hanbin this time around, too. 

 

Jiyong was about to walk up to his son and hug him, but Hanbin spoke up again before he could do anything. 

 

“Was it hard for you, too?”

 

“In a way yes and no; yes —  because my father wasn’t exactly the most open-minded person either, but also —  no, because once my parents decided to get divorced we moved to Seoul, away from small towns and suburbs and my mother always has been an open-minded person. I felt more like myself when we moved here with my sister, but it still took me a few years and one failed marriage to realize that I was gay.”

 

Hanbin leaned back in his seat with a heavy exhale, puffing his cheeks as he seemingly thought about something —  but instead a small smile started to appear on his face.

 

“Okay, we can talk about depressing background stories another time, but for now I just want to say that after Dad talked to me and told me about his upbringing and how you seemingly struggled as well and even married a woman, too, I feel really happy about you two finding each other. You survived all my awkward questions, unlike my dad,” he shot him a pointed look for which Jiyong wanted to throw a pillow at his face, “and you seem like a really sweet guy. You also helped my dad a lot with his fears and struggles and okay, I am still angry and sad about my parents getting a divorce, but … I can’t even think about marrying a woman and yet you still did out of fear and all that so I kinda do understand. Besides, he seems really happy these days —  not that he wasn’t happy at home, but this is different. I can’t really explain it without making it sound like a cheap romance novel where a teenage girl falls in love with her first boyfriend, but then again it kinda fits. — Anyways, I just want to say I approve of you too and that I am happy that my dad is happy. I know you don’t need my approval l know, I just think it was important to say that.” — Hanbin was fidgeting with one of the pillows near him, pulling at the soft ends and nervously looking about the room, but never at them. Finally a glimpse of his nervousness broke through and now Jiyong was the one who had to silently laugh at his son — after making the both of them uncomfortable with these questions it was now his turn to blush and it was utterly adorable.

 

“Thank you.” 

 

Jiyong’s eyes were back on Seunghyun, silently observing again. His posture had changed; while he had tried to seem relaxed while Hanbin had asked them all those questions there had still been tension in his shoulders, but that all had washed away and there was also a softness around his eyes now. 

 

“Actually, it does mean a lot to me that you are okay with this relationship, too. You are Jiyong’s son and wanting the approval of a new relationship is definitely a big thing. Many kids and teenagers and even adults don’t react good to their parents meeting someone new so I don’t take that for granted.” 

 

Hanbin shyly nodded at them both, shrugging his shoulders sheepishly instead of saying something and Jiyong felt himself finally let out a relieved sigh. This could have gone a complete different direction as well and he slowly felt the tension melt between all of them. 

 

Maybe some small talk could help them relax a bit, too. He wanted Seunghyun and Hanbin to get to know each other after all. 

 

“Hanbin has a cute boyfriend, by the way.” he smirked at his son who now looked at him as if he was the one who wanted to smother him with a pillow. “You should have seen him when he told me about him, it was absolutely adorable and when he brought him over for the first time his boyfriend was even more nervous than him, if that is even possible.”

 

“Daad!”

 

“But it’s true!”

 

Hanbin buried his head in his hands and groaned loudly —  his cheeks were red when he finally looked up again and Jiyong heard Seunghyun chuckle next to him. He slowly leaned over and let their shoulders touch, leaning into him a bit. It was comfortable to be like this. 

 

“His name is Bobby and uhm, yeah he is my boyfriend we have been dating for, well, close to a year already.”

 

Another shy smile on Hanbin’s lips and Jiyong just wanted to pinch his son’s cheeks, he was too adorable. 

 

“Bobby? Is he american?”

 

“Oh, no. ‘Bobby’ is his nickname, because he really doesn’t like his real name. He said it was because of a show he watched as a kid with his dad; something about a bobcat named ‘Bobby’ and since then he goes by that name.” Jiyong suddenly felt Seunghyun tense up next to him —  he could feel the muscles in his arm jump and his posture suddenly felt stiff. His son didn’t seem to notice the subtle change, but Jiyong did and he looked over at his boyfriend, trying to understand what just happened, but Seunghyun just sent him a quick smile, before he relaxed again and continued to listen to Hanbin babbling on and on about his boyfriend Bobby. 

 

Huh, strange. Whatever, he could always ask Seunghyun what that was about afterwards when they were alone again. 

 

He leaned back into the couch, paying attention to the conversation happening in front of him. Their topic had shifted again —  from Bobby and Hanbin’s subtle crush on the older boy, to family-related topics again. Hanbin whined about being an only child when he really wanted to have a little sister, or older sister —  Seunghyun told him that he should be really happy that he was an only child, because he did have an older sister and life with her had not always been easy. 

 

They slipped into easy conversation — Hanbin suddenly curious about all their childhood anecdotes of him and his sister that most of the time ended with him getting chased by said sister with a towel, a stick or one time with a fork. (At least now he knew where the little scar above Seunghyun’s eye came from —  and he had to chuckle out loud at the mental image of Hyeyoun chasing poor little Seunghyun through their old house.)

 

“If you think that is hard, one time when I was five my aunt Harin and I were hiking or something and she told me not to run, and I obviously did, and then I didn’t see her and she didn’t see me and I ran straight into her and cracked my knee-cap.”

 

“How is that worse than getting chased by a furious sister with a fork?”

 

“I don’t know, okay! I just really wanted to add a cool story.” —  Seunghyun and Jiyong both snorted at that. Hanbin had this childish innocence in him that made him really lovable, Jiyong knew that all too well. 

 

“Alright, alright —  you win.” Seunghyun got up from the couch, taking their now empty wine glasses with him. “Is anyone else by the way hungry? I could order us some pizza or something if you two want to stay a bit longer that is.”

 

“Did I just hear free pizza?”, Hanbin was on his feet immediately with a big smile on his face.

 

“Sure, just tell me which one you want an-”

 

“Thank you!”, Seunghyun hadn’t even been able to finish his sentence before he had an overly excited Hanbin hug him so tightly Jiyong saw how he wheezing for air at one point, before letting go again. “Could I get a pineapple pizza?”

 

Seunghyun seemingly was stuck in a kind of shock moment from Hanbin hugging him that he just nodded — his son quickly walked back to the couch, while Jiyong joined Seunghyun in the kitchen who was still standing there.

 

“I maybe should have mentioned that food is the way into my son’s heart, especially pizza. Even though his choice of pizza is always a bit weird.”, he placed one hand gently on Seunghyun's shoulder who finally snapped back to reality, cleared his throat and just nodded.

 

Jiyong stepped a bit closer, his hands carefully cupping Seunghyun’s face. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah, it’s just —  Jiwon always did that, too when he was a kid. He would get super excited about something and just hug me out of nowhere. I didn’t expect it, is all.” He could clearly see the sadness that washed through Seunghyun’s eyes, even though he smiled. Damnit, he hadn’t thought about that. Maybe bringing Hanbin over just like that hadn’t been such a good idea after all. 

 

“No, don’t gimme that look. I’m  _ fine _ , okay? I’m glad that you are here with Hanbin today, I wanted to see what your mini-me is like anyways, though it’s more of a maxi-me in your case. How come you are so short and Hanbin is so tall?”

 

Jiyong scoffed at that and playfully hit his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Oh, shut up. We can’t be all be 180-something centimeters tall. Some of us have to be shorter than you giants.”, he placed a chaste kiss on Seunghyun’s lips, savouring the moment. “And you are sure you are alright?”

 

“Yes, I am.” Another kiss. 

 

“Good.” 

  
  
  
  


Forty-five minutes later their pizza had already arrived and mostly eaten and the three of them were now sitting on the sofas in the living room — too full to move immediately, though Hanbin had told them that he would go home after eating. But the kid had not only finished his own pizza, but also the rest of the pieces Seunghyun and Jiyong had not managed to eat and now he was regretting his life choices.

 

“I’m never gonna eat anything again, I swear.”

 

Seunghyun chuckled at that. “Wait another thirty minutes and I am sure you will be hungry again.”

 

Another groan from Hanbin and Jiyong couldn't help but laugh at his son. Really, how often did this happen? He had lost count by now and he was sure that this time wasn’t going to be the last time, too. 

 

“I see what you are doing there —” Hanbin theatrically threw his arm in the air, “You are trying to get rid off me so you can have my dad to yourself. I knew it, you are too nice. This is your evil masterplan!”

 

“Shit, you’re right. I planned this —  you meeting up with your dad and using my invisible mind altering superpowers so you decide to come over to have this really awkward talk about your father’s and mine dating life and  _ then  _ order pizza that you willingly eat. You got me.” Seunghyun somehow managed to make his voice sound completely flat, but the grin on his lips betrayed him and after five seconds of silence they suddenly broke into a fit of giggles.

 

“No, don’t make me laugh my stomach already hurts!”

 

“Not my fault if you say I am an evil mastermind, evil masterminds do that —  you know? Making you suffer? That is my ability.”

 

Jiyong couldn’t help but laugh as well — his boys were really stupid sometimes, but he loved them both. 

 

The laughter slowly died down and the only noise in the room was the TV and whatever show was on right now. No one was really paying attention —  it was comfortable, until Hanbin broke the silence again.

 

“Dad?”

  
“Hm?”

 

“How long do you think this divorce thing will take? I mean, how long do these kinds of things take before they settle down?”

 

Jiyong sat up a bit straighter than before. “Well, first me and your mom will have to talk and then we will see —  I don’t know how long divorces usually take, tho. I think it depends from case to case, but I am no expert. Why?”

 

“I was just curious. I mean, this is probably the wrong moment to ask, because I really had fun this afternoon and I don’t want to drag down the mood, but do you think that you and mom can be friends someday? I mean, obviously not best friends, but that you can get along?” 

His voice suddenly sounded small and Jiyong got up from the couch to sit back down next to Hanbin, taking his hand. “Binnie, I am sure that your mom and I will be able to work it out one way or another. Just give your mom some time, okay? This is hard for her and it will take some time before we can be friends —  if it makes you feel better, Chaerin still is one of my best friends and that hasn’t changed and I still want to have her around, not only for your sake, but because she has been such a big part in my life that I would really miss her.” 

 

He saw tears slip from Hanbin’s eyes and then his whole face crumbled and Jiyong pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fuck this up —” Hanbin pulled back from the hug and looked over at Seunghyun, “I’m sorry this must be really awkward for you, too. I mean, I’m crying like a kid about wanting my parents to get along when we just talked about how happy I am that my dad has you and-”

 

“Hanbin, you still  _ are _ a kid. You are Jiyong’s kid and that will never change, you are also your mom’s kid and you love them both so obviously you’d want them to get along.” Seunghyun got up and stepped closer, offering Hanbin some tissues for him to dry his tears, “besides, I have met Chaerin. She is a wonderful woman and I get why Jiyong wants to stay friends with her —  I only met her twice and I want to stay friends with her, too if it is possible.”

 

“Really?” 

 

At that moment Hanbin looked like he was six years old again as he looked up at Seunghyun.

 

“Yes, really.”

 

And suddenly warmth spread through his chest. Maybe all of this wasn’t an ending after all, maybe all of this could be the beginning of something new? Much  like he hadn’t dared to envision Hanbin and Seunghyun together, he had also not dared to envisioned Chaerin accepting them as well, but maybe it was possible? Jiyong felt his own eyes tear up and all he could do at that moment was smile at Seunghyun and his son. Maybe they all could become a big family in a way —  maybe Chaerin would also be able to find someone new and they all could be there for Hanbin. Maybe all of this didn’t have to be painful all the time.

 

Hanbin quickly dried his tears and some of the happiness he had seen earlier came back. 

 

“Are you and your ex-wife still friends, Seunghyun?” 

 

Jiyong’s stomach suddenly clenched —  his ex and son were a difficult topic and right now Hanbin had these illusions and hopes about all of them being happy together, one big family so maybe talking about how badly things had ended with Seunghyun and his family wasn’t the best thing. He quickly looked over at Seunghyun with pleading eyes, to say something different, to lie, but he knew it was no use —  Seunghyun was a terrible liar and he hated lying in the first place and Jiyong saw the way he looked at him. 

 

“The situation with my ex-wife is a bit difficult and really different from your situation.” he sat back down on the couch and Jiyong closely watched his son as his boyfriend spoke. “She grew up with really strict parents and they more or less internalized homophobia in her and the second I came out, she grabbed our son and ran. I never had the chance to properly talk with her about it and she wouldn't even listen. Chaerin is different — she accepts homosexuality, unlike my ex, and even supports you so I doubt that she could possible ever hate Jiyong like my ex hates me. I think my ex is possibly the worst example you can choose for this, while I think Chaerin is the best example.”

 

“Wait, you have a son?”, Jiyong visibly exhaled —  today certainly was a roller coaster emotional-wise. 

 

“Yeah, I have —  he should be around your age now, actually.” 

 

“Should be? Wait, are you not close to your son?” 

 

Jiyong bit the insides of his cheeks. This was getting dangerous.

 

“No, but not because I want it to be like that. My ex made sure that I wouldn’t be able to see him until he is an adult. If I would have had a say in this, he would live with me —  here — and not with her.”

 

He absently held onto his son’s arm. They were really going to talk about everything today, weren’t they? Jiyong looked over at Seunghyun again, trying to send him as much of positive energy or support or whatever as possible. 

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

 

“No, it’s okay. You would have heard about this sooner or later for sure, so in a way I am glad you asked.” there was that sad smile on his face again and Jiyong just wanted to kiss it away.

 

Hanbin must have seen it, too, because he could tell that his son was feeling terrible right now and thinking of a way to twist this awkward conversation around to make it less unpleasant. 

 

“What’s his name?” 

 

Seunghyun laughed and some of the tension ebbed away again.

 

“Jiwon.”

 

Maybe talking about all of this was good for Seunghyun after all —  he rarely mentioned his son and Jiyong knew that it was because it hurt Seunghyun too much to think about all of this for more than five minutes at a time. A smile spread across Jiyong’s face and he wanted to encourage Seunghyun to talk a bit more about his son, when suddenly Hanbin’s body froze and he dug his fingernails into Jiyong’s hand —  what was that about?

 

“Baby pictures..”

 

_ What? _

 

“What?”

 

“Do you have baby pictures, or any pictures of your son?” Hanbin’s voice suddenly was unrecognizable low —  what was this about? Seunghyun looked at Jiyong with a confused expression on his face, but absently nodded.

 

“Yes, of course I have some-”

 

“Can I see them?”

 

“Yeah, sure. Hold on.”

 

And then something finally clicked in Jiyong’s brain and he felt like someone knocked the air out of his lungs. How come he hadn’t thought about that sooner? It made sense and it would fit —  they are around the same age after all and he vaguely remembered Hanbin saying something about ‘Jiwon’, but he had been too stressed to fully grasp what was going on and it would fit, everything. How Jiwon’s dad just up and left as he was a kid and it suddenly also made sense why Seunghyun had tensed up like that when they talked about that kids show.

 

Seunghyun came back with a thick book and handed it over to Hanbin, who frantically opened it with shaking hands, before his rapid movements suddenly stopped and he let out a shaky breath. 

 

“You asshole..”

 

Jiyong’s whole frame crumbled —  he needed to do something, now. 

 

“How could you just leave him like that.”, his voice was still uncharacteristically quiet and Seunghyun’s eyes darted over to Jiyong, helplessly.

 

Hanbin forcefully shut the book, pulled out his wallet and took out one of the many polaroids he always carried with him, before he got up and was in Seunghyun’s face within a second —  pushing the polaroid in his face. 

 

“Your son  _ Jiwon _ is my boyfriend you asshole!”, Jiyong froze, unable to move, while his heart frantically knocked against his ribcage. 

 

Hanbin’s voice broke and was thick with tears again. “He needed you, you asshole and what did you do? You left him! Do you know how much that tore him up? You left, what, twelve years ago and Bobby still isn’t over it — he can’t even talk about his father without clamming up and—”

 

Jiyong was screaming in his head, he needed to do  _ something _ ,  _ anything _ to stop this situation from going down hill completely —  but what could he possibly do?

 

There was movement in the room again and suddenly Seunghyun stood up from the couch as well and stepped closer to Hanbin —  shit he was not going to punch Hanbin, was he? Jiyong jumped up from the couch, ready to jump between the two of them, when he finally saw Seunghyun’s face. He was crying. He was crying but had a huge, desperate smile on his face.

 

“How is he?”, his voice sounded just as wrecked as Hanbin’s did and Jiyong forgot how to breath. “Please, how is he? Is he good? Is he still in school? What’s his favourite tv show? Does he still snore and fall asleep in the most random positions? He once fell asleep head down the couch with his legs on the armrest —  you know and does he still love basketball? He scraped his knee the first time he tried, but he still loved it and we played so often and does he still hate brussels sprouts?”

 

“Wait, wait, wait —  why do you even care? You  _ left _ him! Why would you care about all that?”

 

“He is my son, Hanbin and it wasn’t my choice to go. I told you, if it would have been my decision I would have taken him away from his mother and he would live here with me.”

 

Hanbin stepped back, lowering his hand holding the picture. 

 

“If you miss him that much then why don’t you call him? I mean, hell, you are crying from me just mentioning him, you obviously miss him, then why don’t you call him? He misses you so much and he just wants to have his dad back.” 

 

Seunghyun tried to brush off some of his tears, but as soon as the old ones were gone new ones came. “I am legally not allowed to —  not until he is eighteen. His mother made sure of that when she took him from away from me.”   
  


The lump in Jiyong’s was still there, but now for a different reason. First, it had been out of fear that this situation would escalate, but now it was because he only knew bits and pieces of how bad the situation with his ex-wife actually was. Jiyong stumbled back onto the couch and Hanbin sat down again, too, their eyes still fixed on Seunghyun.

 

He sighed. “When I came out to Bom, she got angry. I told you how she was brought up, right? Well, her opinion didn’t change, especially not when her then husband announced that he was gay. I told her that I wanted a divorce, but that I wanted for us to still be a family in a way. I was so scared, but I just couldn’t live like that anymore — it got worse and worse and I started to become depressed, too so I told her. I knew there was a chance that she would react badly, that she would take Jiwon away from me, but I just didn’t want to believe that she could actually do that, you know? She and I had been friends for such a long time back then. I thought, that if I sat her down and calmly explained it to her that she could maybe understand, but she didn’t. Instead, she threatened me, screamed at me and threw things at me until all I could do was grab a few things and go. I wanted to take Jiwon with me, but he was staying with friends that night —  sleepover birthday party or something — and I also did not want him to see this fight so I stayed in a hotel for the night and called a lawyer. It took me a week to even find a lawyer that would take my case, because most of them told me to fuck off and die and that I didn’t deserve a wife in the first place or to have a child.”

 

“Eventually I finally found someone that would help me, but when we showed up in court Bom had already talked to the judge and everyone involved and told them that I was gay and that was basically the final nail in the coffin. They didn’t even let me speak, they didn’t ask Jiwon what he wanted, they just took him away from me and told me that if I would so much as dare as talk to my son, that they would make me regret it. I didn’t think much about that threat so I picked Jiwon up from school the next day, more like, tried to pick him up. Apparently Bom had already talked to the teachers and told them that I was gay and that there was no way I would ever be allowed to pick up Jiwon, no matter the circumstances and the sad part was that all of his teachers seemed to agree on that.”

 

“I tried to meet him another time, but then Bom somehow got wind of that, too and the next thing I know is that I had to pay a fine of 10.000.000 Won and as if that wasn’t shitty enough it got even worse. I paid the fine, used up everything I had saved up, and went to work the next day —  just that she apparently also talked to my boss and he fired me, saying that he didn’t want a faggot like me around and then I hit rock-bottom.”

 

Jiyong swallowed hard —  he remembered all too well what happened then, Seunghyun had told him, but coupled with everything that happened prior to that made it so much worse. This shit just wasn’t fair —  not to Seunghyun, not to Jiwon, to no one and it made him furious that someone would go to that extend just because Seunghyun liked men. 

 

He felt Hanbin next to him move again and slowly get up from the couch to walk over to where Seunghyun was sitting — his movements were slow and careful, as if he wasn’t sure what to do or say. Hanbin could be a bit of a hot head sometimes, but he often also regretted what he said or did during these moments.

 

He watched as Hanbin sat down next to Seunghyun, his eyes trained in his own knees and he bit his lips, trying to figure out what to do or say. The polaroid picture was shaking, because his hands were  _ still  _ shaking, too and Jiyong could clearly see how hard he tried to fight back his own tears. 

 

Hanbin finally turned towards Seunghyun, a sad smile on his lips. “Here” — he held out the polaroid picture of him and Bobby, “I have way too many of them anyways, and yes he still hates brussels sprouts with passion. I tried to cook them for him once and he behaved like a kid, even kicked his leg like one when I tried to get him to eat them.”

 

Seunghyun carefully took the picture into his own hands and started to cry eben harder.

 

“No, no —  please don’t cry! I’m sorry I said these things earlier, I sometimes don’t really use my brain and I got so angry, because I know how hurt Bobby is and I didn’t even think of the things you told me like half an hour earlier. I am an idiot like that— “

 

Seunghyun snorted at that. “No, that’s not it. I’m not angry at you, I get why you reacted like that —  it’s just, this is the first time in twelve years that I am seeing his face. He looks exactly like he did when he was eight, but at the same time he has grown up so much.

 

Jiyong carefully got up and sat down next to them, watching them a bit more closely —  his eyes darting between the picture of Bobby and Seunghyun. “Now that we know about this, I can clearly see the resemblance between you two, you know? That jawline alone should have been an indication that you two are related. Plus, you both have a pretty deep voice. I should have made the connection sooner.”

 

Hanbin suddenly started to giggle. “This is insane.”

 

Seunghyun agreed, still staring at the picture —  his tears had finally stopped and he looked happy, really happy. 

 

“It is.”

 

“Then how about we do another insane thing and call him over? I mean, come on you haven’t seen each other in so long and if he finally knows what happened I am sure he will be more than happy to meet you and welcome you back in his life.”

 

Seunghyun sighed, “Sadly, it is not that easy. I am not allowed to contact him in any way, I can’t even meet him and even if I would run into him on the street I would have to keep my distance.”

 

“But, didn’t you say that was only until he is 18? I didn’t mix that fact up, did I?”

 

“No, you are right about that.”

 

“Well, his birthday is in three weeks and he will be 18 then. Did you plan anything for that?”

 

“Actually, I tried to find him for a long time, but since Bom managed to cut all ties and never let me know where they moved or which school he attended I couldn't really plan anything. I mean, in my head a version of me just drives to his school and picks him up or something, but up until now I didn’t even know where he lived or whatever so that really wasn’t an option.”

 

“Then how about we throw him a birthday party,” Jiyong chimed in “We could use the old house for that —  invite a bunch of his friends as well and all that. The house is big enough that everyone could sleep over and we could even make it a BBQ party.” 

 

“Oh, that would be awesome! I can ask the rest of the boys if they want to come —  Jinan would even help to grill everything so dad wouldn’t have to do everything. I’m sure he would love that —  especially because he normally doesn’t really like to celebrate his birthday — oh, and it’s on a friday this year so we could really all stay over and maybe if things go well, turn it into a nice weekend?”

 

“Guys — I’m happy about the enthusiasm, but are you two sure that Jiwon would actually really want to see me? I mean, Hanbin you said yourself that he doesn’t really like to talk about me —  what if he doesn’t want to see me at all, what if he hates me-”

 

“Are you insane? Of course he would love to meet you! Okay, he is hurt by what happened, but he still has that stupid, stinky pooh-plushy you gave to him shortly before you left. Come on, he picked ‘Bobby’ as his nickname because of you and he still has your super old leather jacket and wears it. His mom hates it, but he puts up with her crap, because there is no way he would ever let go of that jacket. If the legal situation wouldn’t be as shitty as it is I would call him up immediately and drag you out to meet him.”

 

Seunghyun still looked unsure, but Jiyong knew that Hanbin had managed to convince him already. He could see the fine lines under his eyes more prominently now as he tried not to smile and his eyes were filled with hope — Hanbin had that special talent to make you believe in the most insane things sometimes and right now that ability was desperately needed. 

 

“Alright, let’s plan this birthday party for him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot I had half the chapter done anyways and since I desperately needed a break from studying for my finals, I decided to finish it and post it. 
> 
> The next update will still take a while (probably July, sometime after Seunghyun is being discharged), because of my exams, BUT I will (hopefully) post a new GTOP oneshot when Seunghyun is being discharged. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter — there was a lot of dialogue, but I think it was important for this story. Please, leave a comment if you liked it!


	16. sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Split this chapter into two because it's twice as long as the usual chapters and I didn't want to have one that was extremely long in contrast to the other ones haha

They discussed a few more things after that — nothing major. How many people would be invited, if they were allowed to drink or not (since it was Bobby’s 18th birthday and most of their friends were already 18 as well and come on, dad. You know me, I won’t drink much and I will make sure that all the other guys are responsible, too).

 

(In the end, they both gave their okay, but only if they could stick around and make sure that nothing escalated.)

 

There were still more than three weeks left for them to come up with more ideas about what they should do or what they had to buy and prepare for the party so there was no pressure. especially since Hanbin declared himself to be the one in charge.

 

Neither Jiyong nor Seunghyun had any objections to that.

 

What they did not talk about yet was the whole “Seunghyun-and-Bobby-would-meet-for-the-first-time-after-a-decade-again-” thing, and Jiyong wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not. A small part of him feared that maybe the birthday party and the meeting between the two would be a little bit too much, but maybe that was just him being paranoid — they still had time to figure everything out.

 

The door fell shut behind Hanbin after he said goodbye to the both of them and Jiyong walked back into the living room, where Seunghyun was still standing. He couldn’t see his face, but what he could see was the tension in Seunghyun’s back, how stiff his shoulders looked, and he immediately felt bad. This whole afternoon had been insane; Jiyong finally saw his son for the first time after coming out and they talked things out, then Hanbin wanted to meet his boyfriend for the first time and as if that wasn’t enough this whole Seunghyun being Jiwon’s dad thing happened as well.

 

Speaking about taking it slow.

 

He walked up behind his boyfriend and pulled him into a tight hug — Seunghyun’s back to his own chest, with his chin on the other man’s shoulder. Jiyong could feel how his boyfriend started to relax at the touch and sunk back into the embrace while letting out a heavy sigh. They were quiet for a moment — Jiyong continued to hold Seunghyun, his arms wound tightly around his middle with his fingers drawing small, soothing patterns onto his skin. Seunghyun laid his own on top of Jiyong’s, reaching for his hands and squeezing them.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Another squeeze.

 

“I don’t know actually. This is a lot to take in and I feel like I can’t just concentrate on one thing — I mean, I’m incredibly happy, but also scared shitlessly. What if I actually get to meet Jiwon again after all this time and he doesn’t want to see me and I end up ruining his party?”

 

Jiyong sighed — he had already thought that something like that would plaque the other man. Something he had realized by now was that Seunghyun sometimes had the tendency to get stuck on his own head and Jiyong would have to pull him out again; distract him until the worries would wash away, or talk with him about all his worries until he finally realized that they weren’t as big and evil as he had thought they would be. He carefully turned Seunghyun around so he could finally look at him — his hands reached up to cup his face and he pressed their foreheads against one another, still looking him in the eyes.

 

He hated how he saw fear in them — he wanted to chase it away and make Seunghyun happy.

 

“It’s not exactly the same situation as I have been in, but when Hanbin wasn’t talking to me and I feared that I would have lost him forever, you were there for me and helped me through it and I will do my damnest to help you through this, too.”, he took a deep breath, before he continued to talk. “This whole thing must be scaring you — but keep thinking about what Hanbin said; he still has that plushy you gave him before he was taken away from you, he even has that leather jacket of yours, even though his mother hates it and he would do anything to keep it save. That is not the behaviour of a son that doesn’t miss their father and doesn’t want him around anymore. I have met Bobby, and he is such a sweet kid and he really misses you. I didn’t know that you were his dad, but whenever I spent time with him he was so eager to show how much of a good son he was, too. Besides, Hanbin would never lie about something like that — he might sometimes talk before thinking, but he has a big heart, too and he would never make you hopeful about something he wasn’t absolutely sure of. They have been dating for a year now, give or take, and they know each other inside and out — it’s cute, really.”

 

Jiyong could finally see some of the tension bleeding away — his eyes started to shine again and he could feel how Seunghyun started to smile while Jiyong talked — his hands still on his cheeks.

 

But there was still a frown on his face.

 

“But what if I am not the father Jiwon hoped I would be, I mean — what if we meet and he decides he doesn’t like me or something.”

 

“You know, the thing about that is that it is not about liking or not liking someone. Jiwon desperately wants his father back, I am sure of that, and even if he would think that there are one or two things he doesn’t like about you that is not the end of the world. I’m not sure if I am making sense, but you are his father. A father that went through hell to be with his child and would do anything to have him back in his life. A father that wants to be part of his son’s life and wants to share his own life with him too — do you know how happy I would have been if my father would have been a little bit more like you? — and I am sure that Bobby will be grateful, especially once you two had the time to actually sit down and talk about everything that happened. I know it is easier said than done, but please try to focus on the things Hanbin has told you and push away the bad thoughts. You have three more weeks ahead of you until you can legally meet him — it would do you no good if you spent the next three weeks in your own head, worrying over things you don’t really have any control of.”

 

Seunghyun sighed again and closed his eyes — he hugged Jiyong closer to his body and Jiyong immediately returned the hug, soaking up the warmth that radiated off Seunghyun's body. Jiyong could feel how Seunghyun’s shoulders dropped and how he pressed his face against the side of his neck, simply enjoying to be held like that.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Instead of answering, Jiyong pulled Seunghyun’s head away from his neck and placed a lingering kiss on his lips. “Come on, you can use some distraction right now.”

 

He took his boyfriend’s hand in his own and started to pull him down the corridor until they reached the bathroom — it didn’t take long for the water to heat up enough so they could both step under the hot stream of water. Jiyong pulled his boyfriend in again — their naked bodies colliding as they simply held onto each other, while enjoying the hot water on their skin. Their movements were slow, but sensual in a way — gentle touches, caressing heated skin until their lips finally met again. Jiyong let his tongue sweep playfully along Seunghyun’s bottom lip, drawing it between his own and then deepened the kiss. He couldn't help but smile when he heard Seunghyun sigh happily into it and pressed their bodies closer again.

 

His hands started to touch Seunghyun everywhere — they slid down his broad shoulders, over his pecs and his fingers played with his nipples for a moment, before they slid lower again, caressing his stomach and eventually grabbing his butt, kneading it until he could feel Seunghyun’s breath hitch. Jiyong tried not to think of how he started to grow hard, but instead concentrated fully on Seunghyun — his boyfriend needed distraction, needed to be supported right now and he was more than willing to take his boyfriend’s mind off of things.

 

Seunghyun’s hands started to wander as well — they touched Jiyong with such care it made it hard to breath; but the longer they touched each other, the more desperate they grew. He could feel Seunghyun’s hard cock pressing against his own flushed body, could feel Seunghyun grinding his hips against his own and it would feel so good to just lean back and let Seunghyun do all the work, but this time around, Jiyong wanted to Seunghyun to be the one who got all the attention.

 

Jiyong turned them around and pressed Seunghyun against the wall — his eyes ranking over Seunghyun’s body hungrily and all of a sudden butterflies exploded in his stomach as he saw how utterly ruined his boyfriend looked at that moment. His hair was a mess, wet strands standing up in every direction possible, his cheeks flushed in a deep red, wet skin and panting. He dived in — kissing every inch of skin he could reach. He loved how sensitive Seunghyun was, he loved how responsive he was and how easy it was for him to make his boyfriend plaint like that — that was a new side of him he hadn’t been able to see before, but he decided that he loved it. Jiyong left hot kisses down his throat and sucked on his skin, his nails scratching over his hot skin hard enough to make Seunghyun moan out for more.

 

His lips wandered down to his nipples, twirling his tongue around them until they were hard and sucked them into his mouth. Jiyong smirked when he felt Seunghyun suddenly thrust his hips forward  whenever he would drag his teeth over his nipples and he got drunk on it — drunk on how much power he had over Seunghyun in that moment, that for once he was the one who would make him moan out loud and become almost submissive.

 

Jiyong carefully pulled back. “Turn around.”

 

His boyfriend nodded, pupils blown so wide his eyes were almost pitch black and cheeks a deep red.

 

As soon as Seunghyun turned his back towards him Jiyong started to leave kisses on his skin — drawing patterns on it with his tongue, slowly wandering down his body until his hands grabbed both of his cheeks and spread them. Jiyong slowly let one of his fingers slip between his cheeks, waiting to see what Seunghyun’s reaction would be — but when he started to push his hips back, pushing himself into Jiyong’s touch, he dropped down to his knees and dragged his tongue slowly over his rim.

 

His hands grabbed his cheeks again, massaging them and pulling them back so he had more room to work with when he continued to lick and suck at the rim, trying different things to see what would get the best reaction. Ever since Seunghyun had done this for him, he had wondered what it would be like — the taste, the feeling, if he would like it if he was the one doing it — and yes, he loved it. He loved how Seunghyun just lost it, how he pushed his hips back, while begging Jiyong to go _deeper_ , to just _fuck him_.

 

One of his hands slipped down from his cheeks and instead reached between his boyfriend’s legs — immediately taking a hold of his balls and playing with them until the second hand joined the first one. He twirled his tongue around, pressing the tip of it into the rim again and again until it was easy as sin to let it slip inside and he couldn't help but moan at the feeling as well.

 

Seunghyun’s thighs were shaking by now, curses left his mouth between heavy panting and loud moans and if there was anything better than this, Jiyong didn’t know what it was. He pushed his tongue even further inside, pressing it against the clenching walls over and over again — his hands still touching him everywhere were he could reach him and not even five seconds later Seunghyun suddenly tensed up; his breath hitched and he couldn’t help but moan out loudly as orgasm washed through him. Jiyong could feel how his rim tightened around his tongue, nearly pushing it out or how his hips tirelessly worked, pushing himself back on Jiyong’s mouth until the sensation got too much to handle and he collapsed against the wall. His knees gave out and Jiyong immediately pulled him against his chest.

 

Seunghyun was still panting heavily and Jiyong couldn’t stop smiling as he looked down on his boyfriend who was now sitting between his legs, with his back pressed against his chest.

 

The warm water was still pouring down on them, but Jiyong didn’t mind and apparently neither did Seunghyun, because he pushed himself closer against Jiyong, throwing his head back so it could rest on the other man’s shoulder — a dopey smile on his lips.

 

At least for now it seemed as if he had been able to take off his mind.

  
  


In the end, Jiyong spent the whole weekend at Seunghyun’s place — SooJoo teased him about it, telling him they should just move in together into the big house if they were going to be attached at the hip like that anyways. He just rolled her eyes at her, but he couldn't help but grin stupidly at that idea. It was _way_ too soon to think about to even think about something like that, but he couldn’t deny that at least the idea of having Seunghyun around more often was nice.

 

The next few days passed in a blur again — Seunghyun was mostly busy with a new case and Jiyong was swamped with work as well. There suddenly was so much to do that they couldn’t properly meet up for lunch and while that sucked, they made up for that with long phone calls when they were both finally home, or went out to grab dinner together.

 

Just like that, and it was thursday — work was still as stressful as always and Jiyong felt like smashing his head against his desk. Why did all of his colleagues had to dump their projects on him when they were sick? Why couldn't they give it to someone else? — Then again, everyone else was incompetent to the bone and if he wanted their firm to have success he had to do it. Didn’t mean that he wouldn’t be complaining.

 

He was halfway through another ridiculously long email, when there was a knock at his door and his concentration broke. Jiyong sighed heavily, reading the whole mail again would be a pain in the ass, but at least it would be the last of the day and he had worked through all the big, terrible ones so the last day of the week shouldn’t be as stressful.

 

“Yeah?” — the door opened and Jiyong suddenly felt a wave of panic flood through him.

 

There, right in front of him, stood Chaerin. She must have just gotten off from work, because she was still wearing one of her suits and high-heels and her hair was done up in her usual “I am at work, don’t fuck with me” hairstyle and Jiyong had never felt smaller in his whole life.

 

“Hello, Jiyong.”

 

“Hey.”, he hated how thin his voice sounded, but then again it was understandable. This was Chaerin, his ex, and still best friend. Within a second he was thrown back to when he came out to her — how hurt she must have been and he immediately felt like shit again.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Chaerin nodded and closed the door behind her. She walked up to his desk and took a seat in front of it, sighing heavily as she did. “I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to talk — if you want to. To be honest I wanted to do this sooner, but I really didn’t know how to. Even now I don’t know — I spent twenty minutes in front of your office complex before I had the balls to go inside and another fifteen minutes convincing myself to finally get inside the elevator.”

 

Somehow, this confession felt like a suckerpunch. “Is it really that bad to see me?”

 

Chaerin finally looked up; she looked as unsure and scared as Jiyong felt.

 

“No, that’s not it. It’s just — this whole situation is-”, she tried to find words, but as she couldn't think of any she sighed again and Jiyong understood what she meant.

 

“Yeah, you’re right.”

 

They were silent again.

 

“I’d really like to talk though, so if there is anything you want to know or what you want to ask me — go for it. I’ll answer every question. I owe you that much.”

 

Chaerin nodded again — “Okay.”

  


“When was the first time you noticed that you liked men?”

 

“When I was sixteen, I think.”, Chaerin didn’t say anything, just continued to look at him as if she wanted him to talk a bit more about it.

  
“During that time all the guys in my class started to talk about girls and how they wanted to take them out on dates or kiss them or have sex with them and — I don’t know. I never really had thought about that before — I tried to think about myself with a girl, but somehow it didn't fit. I didn’t know why and then one day I saw a picture of an actor I really liked — he was posing in gym shorts, with no shirt on — and then it kinda hit me. I felt terrible after that, because once I realized this small thing it was as if I couldn't stop thinking about it and it made me feel sick. I beat myself up for another two years until we all graduated and went to college and then we started to go out a lot and the more I drank the easier it was to pretend that I was something else, someone else, someone _normal_. I started to convince myself that I liked girls — and I _did_ like girls, just not sexually, but I ignored that fact and continued to pick up one girl after another. I wanted to not only convince myself, but everyone else that I was straight and I was so paranoid about someone finding out the truth that I just pushed myself to the point where I somehow managed to bury everything and just let it be.”

 

Chaerin closed her eyes for a moment, before she opened them again and then blinked a couple of times as if trying to hold back tears. “Could you maybe talk a bit more about all of this? I just, I really want to know what this was like for you — this is a side of you I never knew and while it fucking hurts, I really want to see this other side of you, too.” — her voice started to shake.

 

Jiyong swallowed hard. “When we started to date, I really thought that my feelings were of romantic nature, you know. You were the only person that knew, really knew, what was going on with my parents and I always enjoyed being with you — you were my family, even back then and I didn’t think about that part of my anymore. I had successfully buried it and I didn’t even really think about it for a very long time.”

 

“What changed?”

 

“Hanbin came out.”

 

There was a sad smile on his lips. “That was why I reacted the way I did — suddenly all these repressed memories and feelings came back and it felt as if the universe was playing a cruel joke on me, you know. I had already accepted that I would never date another man and I was okay with it — I had you and Hanbin and that was all I could ask for. I knew that there was a small part of me that was still unhappy, that wanted change, but I always managed to suppress it again. But then Hanbin sat in front of me and all of them came crashing back and I felt like I couldn’t breath — I didn’t even dare to look at you, because I was so scared that you might read something in my face or see right through me and then all the things my father always had done and said to me came back, too and I just bolted. I needed to get out, I needed a moment to think and that was possibly the worst timing ever, because I ended up hurting Hanbin and that was something I never wanted to do.”

 

Jiyong needed a moment to breath —  talking about this to his wife was harder on him than he had anticipated. His chest hurt and his eyes burned and he hated how emotional he got; but Chaerin didn’t seem to mind at all. She pulled out a few tissues —  two for herself, two for him. “Was that when you realized that you..that you couldn't do _us_ anymore? It’s just that after that we were good, really good. Almost like it had been when we first got together —  we didn’t fight as much as we had and we went on dates again and it felt good. If Hanbin’s coming out affected you this much, how were you able to be so into me again?”

 

Jiyong’s chest tightened again. “When I ran outside to think .. that was actually the first time I met Seunghyun. I was sitting in the park on one of the benches, sobbing my eyes out and he came over, gave me a tissue and offered me that I could talk to him. I did —  he helped me calm down, told me about his own experiences and gave me some tips regarding Hanbin; telling me that I should rather think of Hanbin now than myself, because my son needs me right now and that I could always figure things out later and for the following weeks I did that. It felt good to be there for Hanbin and to see him be this happy and free and even though a small part of me was envious in a way, I also was proud of him. Time passed again and I met Seunghyun again by chance at the Murakami exhibition and we talked for a long time and he flirted with me —  but then I told him that I was married and he backed away. I told him that I just had friendship to offer and he was okay with that and respected it. But meeting him messed with me —  ever since I saw him for the first time in the park the small voice at the back of my head grew louder and louder and I tried to compensate again, much like I had when I was younger and first started to have sex with random girls. I felt guilty for how I started to feel about him, I felt guilty for betraying you like that, for doing this to you. I had sworn myself that after all the bullshit you went through as a kid as well, that I would never dare to hurt you —  yet here I was, falling for a man.”

 

Tears were finally falling from Chaerin’s eyes, rolling down her cheeks and messing up her make-up. It killed him inside to see her like that, but he had promised that he would be honest —  he didn’t want to have any secrets anymore and if she was willing to listen he would tell her everything.

 

“After a couple of weeks I couldn’t ignore it anymore and I had a breakdown. When I was in New York it really hit me, I drank and cried for days —  I felt like shit and I talked to SooJoo for a long time and I really thought about everything and what would be best and came to the conclusion that coming out was something I had to do. Even if it hurt you —  I felt that continuing to lie to you would be even worse.”, he took a moment to let those words settle in, “Then I came home and Harin was in the hospital and I just couldn’t dump that on you, too. I just wanted you to be happy again so I ignored it and I just _needed_ you to be okay, to be there for you and Hanbin and that was my number one priority for a long time.”

 

“But something changed again, didn’t it? You and Seunghyun..”

 

“Yes —  while that small part of me still wanted to come out, a bigger part of me wanted to support you and was scared to hurt you. But then the evening with John and Seunghyun happened and then you invited him over. I was screaming on the inside all night long and after you went to bed, Seunghyun gave me an ultimatum more or less.”, he bit his tongue for a moment, “Turns out that he had been in love with me for a long time, but he never wanted to come between us or ruin a marriage or become someone’s dirty little secret. We weren’t dating —  he had been trying to work things out with that John guy after all —  but he told me that he couldn’t do that anymore. He couldn’t be close to me and be friends with me and just not have me at the same time, because there was something between us, yet we partly ignored it. I told him that I just needed a little bit more time, but he didn't want to hear it. He told me goodbye and left. That night was when you heard me cry under the shower.”

 

“Time passed again, I rarely saw Seunghyun and instead tried to be there for you and Hanbin the best I could, but things were getting hard and I felt as if I couldn’t breath. I told myself that I would come out after Harin woke up, that it would be better after that —  but then there was also the possibility of her never waking up. It was a morbid thought, but the possibility was there and then I had to think of how Seunghyun had said that I was just looking for excuses and while I didn’t really use it as an excuse he did have a point. There would never be a perfect opportunity for this, because let’s be honest, no matter what, you would be hurting. It wouldn’t matter when I would tell you, the damage would always be the same and I still hate myself for hurting you like that, but I just couldn’t live a lie anymore. I didn’t want to lie to you anymore either, you didn’t deserve that and I knew that so that was when I finally came out to you.”

 

Chaerin was still crying — she hadn’t said a thing; just let him talk. Jiyong could easily see how much it was hurting her, but there was no turning back now. He waited patiently for her to calm down a bit, to let the words settle in —  for her to digest them.

 

It felt like hours before she spoke again, her voice was still thick with emotions.

 

“You and Seunghyun, when did that start. Not the flirting, but, when did it become more than that. Did you ever-?” — _cheat on me?_

 

“We only started to date after I came out to you. Before that, all we did was flirt.” Okay —  he could tell her a lot of things, most things that had happened, but he couldn’t  do that to her. What should he tell her, that he and Seunghyun more or less had one-sided phone sex when he was in New York? Definitely not.

 

He didn’t dare to look away —  her eyes were sharp, yet soft at the same time, almost as if she tried to figure out if he was telling the truth or not, but eventually she nodded again and looked down at her hands. She was fiddling with her tissues, sniffing every now and then.

 

She was silent for a long time again.

 

“I’ve loved you for so long now that I think it would be impossible for me to hate you, you know, even after you hurt me.” She bit her lips, trying to find words again, but she was struggling and Jiyong felt terrible for that. “It’s just that — I don’t know how to approach this. You are my best friend, too, Jiyong and for some reason while I _am hurting_ I also can accept all of this pretty easily. I mean, we have been together for so long, hurt each other, too, but we always managed to move on from that and —  shit, you have been my best friend since I was a kid, I don’t want you out of my life, even if this shit hurts like hell.”

 

She was crying again, but somehow managed to collect herself again and all Jiyong wanted to do right now was to hug her.

 

“At the same time, I feel like shit, too. Because you are _gay_ and you had to sleep with me all these years and I feel disgusted with myself that in a way I forced you to be with me — “

 

“Chaerin, no that was not— !”

 

“and I just —  I am sorry, too. I have never told you that, but in a way I always knew that you had some interest in guys I think. I didn’t want to acknowledge it, obviously, but there was always something that made me wonder if you liked maybe both, but didn’t want to admit it to yourself and in the end that was what made me feel so insecure all the damn time, why I always got so jealous and why I was so possessive with you. I think I always sensed that in a way you weren’t mine and I should have realized that sooner.”

 

Jiyong felt as if he just kicked into the stomach —  he tried to stay calm, but he suddenly felt an uncomfortable twist in his stomach.

  
“Then there was also that time when we met Seunghyun and John — I could see how good you two got along and I tried not to think about it too hard, but then we went out for drinks and all that happened with John kissing you and Seunghyun for some reason was pretty okay with that and instead took care of you. You blacked out so he had to carry you to the car after we made sure that you were okay and then you just curled up in his embrace and didn’t let go — not even when he placed you on our bed and, I don’t know. Something shifted. Then John called me a few days later and told me about how Seunghyun had gotten drunk one night, because of a phone call —  it was during the time you were in New York.”

 

Now he felt even more like throwing up.

 

“He didn’t say exactly what it was about, but that Seunghyun got drunk and just wouldn’t shut up about you and that he told him over and over again that he was in love with you and that he was so confused because you were giving him mixed signals and that he couldn’t live with all the flirting anymore. —  I didn’t want to believe anything John said and told him to fuck off, but after I ended the call I started to think about everything that happened. How you always seemed so happy whenever you would meet up with Seunghyun, how often you met him, how well you got along, how you two behaved when you were together, but I didn’t say anything. I thought, maybe I was being paranoid or something — but then after the night Seunghyun visited us, something was different. You seemed as if something inside you broke and you rarely talked about Seunghyun anymore and I just knew something was up, but you didn’t tell me and a few weeks later you came out.”, she took a deep breath, “When you told me you were gay one part of me was relieved; up until that moment I had all these crazy fears about you and this lack of knowing what was going on nearly killed me. You finally coming clean and telling me was a relieve, because I finally knew what was really going on, but at the same time it tore me apart, because one of my biggest fears was exactly that. That you were gay, found someone else and would leave me.”

 

She swallowed hard, but still managed to smile at him. “I spent the last few days and weeks thinking about all of this, about how we could possibly go on from now and I don’t know. Moving on from you will be the hardest thing in a way —  you were always so sweet and even though your stubbornness sometimes drove me up the wall, you were still the best man I have ever been with. But then again, a big part of me already accepted this — that you are gay and that there is nothing you can do to change it and while it still fucks with me on an emotional basis and probably will for a long time, I am willing to move on from that.”

 

If Jiyong hadn’t been close to tears before, he surely was now.

 

“I don’t want to cast you out like Seunghyun was thrown out and cut off from his family. I could never do that no matter how much it hurts. You are Hanbin’s father and that will never change and I don’t want Hanbin to go through the pain of his parents hating each other — I know all too well what that feels like and I don’t want to do this to him, nor to you, too.”

 

Right as she stopped speaking Jiyong got up from his seat, walked around the desk and pulled her into a tight hug — almost burying his head in neck. This was too much, he didn’t deserve Chaerin —  period. Tears started to fall and just wouldn’t stop and the moment Chaerin returned the hug he crumbled. He held onto her, trying to stifle his sobbings, but it got worse when he felt the soft touch on the back of his head of Chaerin’s hand.

 

“It’s okay, let it all out.” —  her voice was soft, but he could clearly hear that she was crying, too. He squeezed her tightly one last time, before he carefully pulled away. Jiyong could feel how swollen his eyes were already and that his cheeks were probably red as well from all the crying, but he really didn’t care right now.

 

“Thank you, Chaerin. I don’t know what to say, I don’t — “, but she simply lifter her hand, gesturing him to stop talking.

 

“You don’t have to say anything, let alone thank me. Okay? I know our society is shit, but I want you to know that I support you. I’m not gonna lie, I still love you, Jiyong. I can’t just go back to being friends just like that, but eventually it will be okay — just give me more time.”  
  


“Sure, yes, whatever you need.” —  he had to bite his tongue not to say more. But he knew that for now that talk was over and they simply smiled at each other for a moment, before Chaerin seemingly remembered something and started to go through her back.

 

“Oh, right. Uhm —  this is maybe a bit straight forward, but during the last few weeks I talked to a lawyer and asked —  generally speaking —  about what we would have to do if we wanted a divorce. She told me many things and wrote this out and everything —  I am just giving this to you so you can look it through. I thought that it would be better if we would do this quick, rather than drag it out you know, like ripping off a band-aid? I hope this isn’t an asshole move or whatever, but I didn’t think that you..that you would want to stay married.”

 

Jiyong had to chuckle at her sudden awkwardness — it always came out whenever she felt unsure. “It’s not too straight forward”, he took the document in his hands, “and I will look this through once I am home tonight. We could make an appointment with that lawyer of yours, if you want to, too once I am done looking through this?”

 

He could see how Chaerin visibly relaxed and finally gave him an honest smile —  it probably was the first one ever since she stepped inside his office.

 

“So, we good?”

 

“Yeah, we good.”

 

“Oh, thank god.”

 

Chaerin suddenly bursted into a fit of laughter. “Thank god?”

 

“Do you know how scary you can be when angry?”

“I have a faint idea, yeah.”, Chaerin was still laughing and the awkward atmosphere suddenly disappeared in thin air.

 

It was funny, in a way. When Chaerin had first stepped into his office he hadn’t even been able to properly look at his soon-to-be-ex-wife, but now something had shifted between them —  he could no longer see fear or uneasiness in her body language and instead it felt a lot like when they had been kids. It was comfortable, like meeting your best childhood friend again after losing contact for years, only to realize that they are still the same person they had been when they were younger.

 

In the end, she stayed for a little bit longer and they even started to joke around like they had when they were little — Chaerin even teased him about being gay, but not in an insulting way. It was the type of teasing you would normally receive from your siblings and that fact made him feel calmer —  Chaerin really did accept him the way he was. She really did, and he hadn’t realized how much that had meant to him as well.

 

Jiyong finally collected his things and put them in his back — they were still talking; Chaerin was complaining about one of her clients being an utter dick and it was fun.

 

“— and then Bae was being his usual sarcastic, salty self and you know what he said? ‘Go print the Avocado formula then’ who does he think I am? Is he an idiot? I should have fired his ass then and there, I swear.”

 

Jiyong cackled at that. “So, seems like you and Youngbae are getting along well these days, huh?” — it wasn’t jealousy he was feeling, not at all. It just was that ever since he had come out to Chaerin, Youngbae hadn’t really been answering any of his messages and he tried not to be too paranoid about it, but it was still nagging at him. Youngbae was one of his oldest friends after all.

 

“Yeah, well — he knew that I wasn’t doing well and now he is basically like a mother hen, you know how he can get sometimes I mean he is probably all over you, too.”

 

“Uh, actually no.”

 

“Wait, for real?”

 

His stomach dropped at that. “No, ever since I came out to you actually. He hasn’t really talked to me ever since. I texted him a few times, even called, but he didn’t reply.”

 

“Oh, this overdramatic idiot.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I might have..told him..that you came out to me.”  
  


“You what?”, his stomach dropped even more. Youngbae was one of his oldest friends, but also strictly religious and he basically had no idea how Youngbae felt about this whole ‘gay’ thing in the first place. Chaerin immediately looked ridden with guilt.

 

“I’m sorry, it slipped. I was drunk and he came over and we talked and he wanted to know where you were and why I was feeling like shit and it slipped. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I wasn’t thinking.”

 

Jiyong slowly dropped everything into his bag —  so that was the reason why Youngbae was ignoring him.

  
“But please don’t think it’s because of that—”, Jiyong gave her an humorless smile.

 

“What else could it be?”

 

Chaerin got up from her seat in an instant. “You know how easily he snaps and how petty he can be — he has a gay cousin who he loves so you can’t tell me that he would hate you for being gay. You wanna know what I think? I think he is just being an petty idiot about you not telling him that you are gay. You have been friends for so many years now.”

 

“Oh, sure. That is why he has been ignoring all of my texts and never called back.”

 

“This is Youngbae we are talking about —  don’t you remember how he didn’t talk to you for a month straight when you were kids when you accidentally ate the last chocolate pudding?”

 

Jiyong was silent after that —  maybe she _did_ have a point.

 

“Okay, you know what I will call him right now and we will settle this.”

 

“What, no— “


	17. seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DOUBLE UPDATE! This chapter got longer than the others so I split it in two - this is the second part.

But there was this thing with Chaerin, once she had a plan there was no going back. That was how they all ended up at SooJoo’s place — Chaerin cackling at Youngbae who was now so embarrassed about this whole thing that he just wanted to hide under the couch or something. SooJoo was laughing at him too, but Jiyong was simply grateful that he hadn’t lost Youngbae either.

 

It was odd to sit there with his friends and his ex and simply laugh together, but at the same time it really wasn’t. It felt a lot like when they all started college — He, SooJoo and Chaerin had always dragged Youngbae out to parties he really didn’t want to go to and now it was a similar situation. They all teased him about something, he got embarrassed and just wanted to hide —  much like in the old days.

 

“By the way Ji, are you going to be staying at Seunghyun’s place this weekend?” —  he immediately felt all eyes on him.

 

“Uh, well. Normally I’d say yes, but I really need to move a few things into the old house so I am not too sure if I am going to be able to, why?”

 

Before SooJoo could answer, Youngbae chimed in. “Do you need help? I mean, I am free this weekend and I could get the truck so it would be easier to carry your stuff to the old house if you want.”

 

“For real?”

 

“Yeah, I could also ask Daesung if he could help. He is a rather buff guy and really nice, too I am sure he would love to help you out.”

 

That name sounded familiar. “Wait, as in _Kang_ Daesung?”

 

“You know him?”

 

“Yeah, he's a friend and co-worker of Seunghyun..my..boyfriend.” —  he tried to play it cool but his cheeks were on fire and it got worse when he heard SooJoo cackle at him. Jiyong wasn’t sure if it was okay to talk this openly about Seunghyun in front of Chaerin, but as he looked at her she was smiling —  so maybe it wasn’t too bad after all.

 

“Wait, your boyfriend is _Choi Seunghyun_?”

 

“You know him?”

 

Youngbae laughed. “Yes, I do! I have met him a few months ago when Daesung dragged him along and he seemed like a really nice guy —  why don’t we all meet up tomorrow and help you move your stuff? That way, Chaerin finally has enough space in the closet for all her shoes and-”, she punched him in the side for that and Jiyong had to laugh.

 

“Yeah, if they all have time that would be awesome.”

 

“Alright sounds like a plan!”

 

They all fell into comfortable conversation again and Jiyong simply leaned back for a moment to enjoy it. If someone had told him a few months ago that this was what his life would be like he would have laughed at them —  funny how fast things could change.

 

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone vibrated —  a message from Seunghyun.

 

Seunghyun [18:22]

 

hey, how was work? I miss you a  
lot, do you think we could maybe  
facetime later? - xxx

 

Jiyong [18:24]

 

I miss you, too and I’d love to!  
Right now Youngbae and Chaerin  
are still over —  Chaerin came  
over earlier and we talked. She  
also gave me a mock up for our  
divorce papers and I think we  
are good —  no hard feelings  
and all that..but I can tell you  
more about that later. By the way,  
there is a big chance that either  
Youngbae or Daesung will call  
you in a few to ask you if you  
want to help me move my stuff  
from the old apartment to the  
new house..

 

Seunghyun [18:25]

 

Woah, what? I leave you alone

for a day and so much happens?  
and you know Youngbae?

 

Jiyong [18:27]

 

I know it’s a bit crazy I think  
I now know how you felt last  
weekend ..

 

Seunghyun [18:34]

 

Yeah…….and..you are sure  
that you won’t regret leaving  
Chaerin?

 

Jiyong [18:36]

 

Of course I won’t.

What is this about Seunghyun?  
Are you..jealous?

 

Seunghyun [18:39]

 

…. maybe. I mean, she is

your ex after all. I know that it

shouldn’t make me feel bad,

but .. I don’t know, I think I am  
still a bit sensitive. Too much

on my mind.

  


Jiyong couldn’t hold back the big smile on his lips — he wanted to see his boyfriend, now. He didn’t want Seunghyun to feel jealous; he understood where he was coming from, but he really didn’t want him to feel bad, especially not right now. Not after the weekend he had. He wanted to make him realize how much of an idiot he was being for even feeling the smallest big of jealousy.

 

“Sorry guys, but I have to go.”

 

“Oh-ho, booty call from your boyfriend?”, Jiyong nearly toppled over when he realized Chaerin was the one who had said that —  especially when he saw the shit eating grin on her face.

 

“Uhm, yes and no. I just —  I really need to see him and if you guys don’t mind, I’d go pack a few things and go now?”

 

He didn’t expect all three of them to wolf whistle.

 

Damn them.

 

“Ugh, why am I even asking.” —  he quickly turned around, trying to hide his way too prominent blush and grabbed a fresh set of clothes, his toothbrush and another few things he would need and dumped them all in his duffleback and not even five minutes and a few more cat calls later, he finally left the apartment and drove off to Seunghyun’s place —  traffic was hell, as it usually was during that time in Seoul and in the end he needed twenty five minutes longer to reach his destination, but once he was there he practically flew up the stairs and as soon as his boyfriend opened the door he threw his arms around his neck and pulled him close.

 

He could hear a deep chuckle and felt Seunghyun’s strong arms around his smaller frame. “If I would have known you would come over I would have cleaned up a bit.”

 

“Oh, shut up and lemme kiss you.” —  they both smiled into the kiss and Jiyong sighed happily when he felt Seunghyun’s hands comb through his hair and he practically melted at the touch.

 

“How come you came over? I thought you’d enjoy your night with the others-”

 

“Well, I didn’t want you to feel neglected and I’d rather spent my free time with _my boyfriend_ , you know?”

 

Jiyong didn’t miss how Seunghyun started to smile at that.

 

“Well then, come inside.”

 

He followed his boyfriend, toed off his shoes right at the entrance and simply watched him for a moment. Seunghyun was wearing checkered pj pants and a long sleeved shirt — his hair was an adorable mess and as much as he enjoyed seeing his boyfriend like that, he could also tell that he felt exhausted. There was also something in the way he was looking at him — uncertainty. And Jiyong knew that it probably came from him meeting up with Chaerin earlier.

 

Jiyong pulled off the hoodie he was wearing and followed Seunghyun into the kitchen, who was busying himself with food preparations and as much as he loved Seunghyun‘s culinary skills, right now he wanted to make sure that Seunghyun knew that he didn‘t had to worry about anyone — not his ex-wife, not anyone.

 

He let his hands slip to the older man‘s hips, twisting him around until they were looking at each other. “Hey.“ — he smiled up at Seunghyun, brushing their noses together. “I‘ve missed you today, you know? I was so swamped with work the past few days I missed our daily lunch breaks.“

 

“Yet you were able to meet up with Chaerin.“

 

Huh, so Seunghyun really was jealous. Normally, Jiyong wasn‘t a big fan of jealousy — Chaerin had more than once lost her shit about _whoever_ that it had started to annoy Jiyong, but this was _Seunghyun._ The man he had pined over for months and months, who he had to watch date another man and who he couldn‘t call his for a very long time.

 

“I was about to leave when she suddenly showed up at my workplace — I didn‘t plan this whole thing. I was as surprised as you were when she suddenly stood in front of me.“ — Seunghyun seemingly relaxed at the low tone of Jiyong‘s voice. “Besides, we both knew that sooner or later she and I would have to talk — and I am glad it happened because I was able to finally come clean and tell her about everything — about us, about _you_. I think I spent most of the time talking about how I fell in love with you than about anything else. She asked me a few questions, and I answered honestly. I told her how when I first saw you I just knew that something was about to change and that coupled with Hanbin‘s coming out it was too much — that you made me realize that I just couldn’t live this lie anymore and that I finally wanted to be free.“

 

“—and are you free?“

 

“With you, I am — yes.“

 

For some reason his heart started to pound heavily in his chest as Seunghyun suddenly started to smile — cheeks dimpled, adorable crow-feet underneath his eyes and eyes full with so much love and affection that Jiyong forgot how to breath for a moment. His fingers cradled his boyfriend‘s face and then he finally pressed their lips together. He felt the change in Seunghyun immediately — his shy touches grew bolt and possessive, his strong hands grabbed his hips and pulled him closer and he kissed him as if it had been years since their last kiss. Eventually, they had to stop kissing in order to breath and when they parted Jiyong was dizzy from the kiss. He chased after Seunghyun‘s lips and whined when his boyfriend played hard to get, with a huge grin on his face — but eventually gave in and kissed him again.

 

“God, I love you so much. I know it‘s ridiculous to get jealous like that and I am sorry. This whole thing with Jiwon just threw me off a bit, but having you here really helps calm me down and I _know_ there is no reason to be jealous about you and Chaerin so I will try to not let it get to me ever again.“

 

Jiyong chuckled. “It‘s not like I hate it, baby. It‘s cute in a way and I like how possessive you can get.“, another quick kiss, “but I just really want to make sure that you know that Chaerin and me are nothing but friends anymore. She even gave me a mock-up for our divorce papers today and told me to look them through when I have the time, because she wanted this all to be over and done so we can move on from that.“ His hands played with the fine hair at the back of Seunghyun‘s neck.

 

“After that, she called Youngbae and we all met up at SooJoo‘s place — Youngbae had been ignoring my texts ever since I came out to Chaerin so I thought he hated me, turns out he was just sulking because I never told him in person and the more time passed the more he was embarrassed by his behavior and was too scared to call me back.“ — Seunghyun hummed in acknowledgement, chuckling at Jiyong‘s friend‘s behavior.

 

“And then we agreed that we all — You, Youngbae, Daesung and I would pack the things I still have at the old apartment and move them into the house and Youngbae will take the few things Chaerin still has at the house with him so I won‘t have to sleep in SooJoo‘s guest room anymore.“

 

“Well, you know that you could always sleep here right?“

 

Jiyong giggled. “Well, from now on we can also stay at the house — there is a beautiful garden, no annoying neighbours and a pool. I am sure you would like it there and getting out of the city every now and then works wonders — I promise.“

 

“No neighbours you say?“ — Seunghyun‘s voice suddenly got playful as his hands wandered from his hips to his ass, squeezing it and massaging it and Jiyong couldn’t help but laugh and bury his face in his boyfriend‘s neck.

 

“Exactly — we could do whatever and no one would notice.“

 

“Hmm, you mean like blasting music until 2 am in the morning?“

 

“Yes.“

 

“Swimming naked in the pool?“

 

“Among other things.“

 

“Oh, did you have something specific in mind, Mr.Kwon?“

 

“Oh, I don‘t know Mr. Choi. Maybe stargazing? Playing chess? Drinking wine and going to bed early like the old people we are?“

 

He felt hot lips on his neck that stretched into a smirk and his mind went blank as Seunghyun started to trail kisses up and down his throat, sucking and licking at the skin there and Jiyong clawed his fingers into his boyfriend‘s chest. Seunghyun‘s hands still held onto his ass, pressing their groins against one another and Jiyong couldn‘t do anything but helplessly rut against Seunghyun‘s thigh like a dog in heat. It was almost scary how easily Seunghyun was able to make him weak in the knees and hornier than he had ever been in his whole life with just a few simple touches — his eyes nearly rolled back as his boyfriend found a specifically pleasant spot on his neck and within seconds Seunghyun picked him up and carried him into his bedroom with quick steps.

 

They were all over each other, pulling on clothes until they were finally skin to skin — Jiyong on top of Seunghyun with his legs wrapped around his hips and his hands clawing desperately against the younger one‘s back. They were so close that they breathed each other‘s air, lips colliding, their skin slick with sweat — making it so much easier for Jiyong to roll his hips forward again and again, their hard cocks trapped between overheated skin, making them curse and moan out loud.

 

“I love you so much, Seunghyun.“ — his voice was breathless, just as breathless as when Seunghyun told him, he loved him, too. He picked up the speed — thrusting harder until he finally grabbed their leaking cocks in one hand and jacked them both. It was a tricky angle, but Jiyong made it work and from the sounds Seunghyun was making and how he was trashing from side to side, helplessly thrusting into Jiyong‘s closed fist around them, he was doing everything right.

 

His chest suddenly felt tight as he watched his boyfriend fall apart — he loved seeing him like this. He loved it more than anything else — how carefree he looked and how utterly beautiful as he cursed and moaned his name. His cheeks were flushed red, as well as his neck, and his hair was sticking to his forehead.

 

“Jiyong, please I— “, Seunghyun didn‘t need to say anything. Jiyong knew what he wanted — his lips immediately finding his again, kissing him with everything he had and that was enough to make Seunghyun come. His body tensed up in the most beautiful way possible, his back arched and he held onto the bedsheets with both of this hands as Jiyong fucked him through his high. It didn‘t even take ten more seconds and he came as well — robes of cum splattering against their chests and stomachs and Jiyong collapsed on top of Seunghyun, breathing heavily. His body felt like jelly and it felt like ages before the nerve-endings in every millimeter of his body stopped buzzing and he carefully rolled off his boyfriend.

 

He wanted to go and get up to grab a towel or something to clean them both, but Seunghyun simply grabbed his old shirt, wiped them down and pushed Jiyong back into the sheets and used him as his pillow.

 

“Too lazy to get up?“

 

“Mhm.“ — Seunghyun nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent and then he sighed happily, almost purring like a cat making Jiyong swoon all over again. He placed a few kisses on his boyfriend‘s forehead, the side of his face and nose, before he cuddled closer to Seunghyun. Their legs intertwined with Jiyong hooking one leg over Seunghyun‘s hip and Seunghyun curling his arms around his waist.

 

They spent the rest of the evening in bed, cuddling and kissing until they both eventually fell asleep.

  
  
  


When Saturday finally rolled around Jiyong was meeting up with Youngbae, Daesung and Seunghyun at his old place. Chaerin was still out with friends, saying that she really didn’t want to stay around to watch them all accidentally destroy the whole apartment as they carried a few of Jiyong‘s belongings out the door and down the stairs. — and she was right, it was harder than anticipated and Jiyong was finally really happy that his friends and boyfriend helped him out. Even Hanbin helped carrying a few boxes, before he had to leave for another date with Jiwon (and sending a warm smile and a thumbs up to Seunghyun. This kid was impossible.)

 

In the end, they needed Youngbae‘s and Daesung‘s car to get everything to the house — Jiyong hadn‘t even realized how much stuff he had until he packed everything into boxes and once they had managed to drag them all into the house he felt utterly exhausted. He was thankful for Youngbae‘s help, gathering all the things Chaerin had told him to get for her on his own — he only needed help with a few smaller things where he wasn‘t too sure if he should leave them or pick them up, but that was quickly solved, too.

 

Seunghyun, bless his soul, had been the one that plucked in the electricity, made sure everything worked and had put actual food into the refrigerator. They all collapsed onto the couch in the living room — cold beer in hand and barely moving after carrying boxes for hours and working in the garden as well. Daesung had made it his personal goal to make the garden look as amazing as humanly possible in just a few hours.

 

“Who would have thought that moving would be this exhausting.“

 

They all groaned in sync.

 

“We are getting old, for sure.“

 

“Shut up, Dae.“

 

“It‘s true, don‘t deny it Bae. The time where we were young are officially over.“

 

Jiyong had to snort at their friends. They were all being over-dramatic, but he was thankful to them. Thanks to them they had managed to move all his stuff within a day and he didn’t had to live on SooJoo‘s couch any longer and this new part of his life felt so much realer now if that was even possible.

 

For the rest of the day they all sat in the garden — as a thank you Jiyong had promised to throw a mini BBQ party and who was he to say no to that? In the end, they all helped him to prepare the food anyways so it was only half as bad as he had feared it would be and they had an amazing evening.

 

He even offered the rest of the boys to stay over, but they all decided to drive home instead — too much in a need for a shower and their own bed it seemed. The only one who Jiyong managed to convince to stay over was, oh what a surprise, Seunghyun. They slipped into the freshly made bed — Seunghyun wearing one of Jiyong‘s old shirts that were too big for him and soft cotton pants — and fell asleep nearly immediately. Today had been exhausting and they needed the sleep.

  
  
  
  


Too bad that they couldn’t sleep in the next day, because around 9 am Jiyong‘s phone went off and he silently cursed himself as he reached over to the nightstand where he had placed his phone the night before.

 

“Hello?“ — he was still drunk on sleep and his voice was thick with it, too.

 

“Morning baby brother! How are you? I‘m back in Seoul since last night and wanted to know if it would be okay to drop by later? I have missed you guys so much during my stay in Japan — how are you? How is the little one and Chaerin doing? I have been so busy the past few months, I am sorry that I couldn’t visit more often.“

 

Jiyong was awake immediately. “Dami — hold on. Not so many questions at once.“, he yawned while rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

 

“First of all, I am not in the apartment anymore — moved out yesterday actually so I am now living in our old house.“

 

He heard a gasp at the other end of the line. “Did Chaerin kick you out? Are you okay?“

 

“Yes, she kinda did, but —“

 

“What the _hell_? Why didn’t you tell me? Are you okay — should I come over right now?“

 

“Dami, _calm down_. Yes I am fine — it‘s a bit complicated, but everything is okay.“

 

Jiyong looked down at Seunghyun, who was now looking up at him with tired, but curious eyes and mouthed ‘ _Who are you talking to?_ ‘.

 

‘ _To my sister, Dami_.‘

 

“— I am on my way, Ji. I should be there in about twenty minutes.“

 

Jiyong‘s attention snapped back to the phone call with his sister.

 

“No, you can‘t come over now!“

 

“Why?“ — shit. The thing is, he _loved_ his sister — so much,  actually. But they hadn't been close since their mother had died a few years ago — Dami had actually packed her things and left for Japan after that and even though it hurt Jiyong had understood why. The way they had been brought up had left more marks on Dami than Jiyong since she had always tried to protect him and her just wanting to get away from everything was understandable. — which was why she had no idea about the current developments of his life; including his sexuality, his divorce with Chaerin and his new boyfriend, Seunghyun.

 

He looked down at Seunghyun with a panicked expression on his face.

 

‘ _What‘s wrong?_ ‘

 

‘ _My sister wants to come over!‘_

 

_‘So?‘_

 

_‘What do you mean ‘so?‘? She doesn’t know about me being gay, or about you, yet!‘_

 

_‘..you could tell her now?‘_

 

Jiyong sighed. Damnit — but Seunghyun was right. If Dami was back in Seoul and she wanted to rekindle their relationship it would only be fair to be honest right from the start — plus he wouldn’t have to worry about her not knowing and finding out later; he would know if she accepted him right away.

 

“Dami — there is something you should know.“

 

“Oh my god, you are dying aren’t you? That’s why you moved out, because you don't want your family to see you dying — Jiyong, I—“

 

“No Dami, I am _not_ dying! Christ, let‘s just meet up, okay? I will tell you then.“

 

“Okay, I will be at your house in a few — we can talk then.“

 

“Dami — hold on a second, will you?“

 

His eyes darted back down to Seunghyun — his hair was adorably messy and he was using Jiyong‘s thigh as a pillow, snuggling his face against stomach. He patted his head, making his boyfriend look up at him.

 

‘ _Dami wants to come over, she said she would be here in a few — I am not sure what her reaction will be or how she would react to you, what do you think?‘_

 

_‘Let her come over, it won‘t be as bad as you think it will be.‘_

 

_‘What if she charges at you with a kitchen knife?‘_

 

Seunghyun simply shrugged. _‘I did karate and jiu-jitsu as a kid, I think he will be fine.‘_

 

Jiyong snorted at his boyfriend — since when was he the optimistic one of the two of them? “Alright, you can come over.“

 

“Perfect, because I am kinda like — already parking in front of your house.“

 

“You are _what_?“

 

His thoughts were running wild and he jumped up from the bed, ignoring Seunghyun‘s whining as he probably, maybe, most definitely accidentally knocked his knee against his ear — he nearly fell over his own legs as he stumbled over his own legs and ran up to the window; only to realize that yes, his sister was already parking outside with her car — cigarette in one hand and phone in the other one.

 

“ _Shit._ “ — he bit his lip.

 

“Okay, just gimme a second. I am not dressed yet and then I will let you in, okay?“

 

“Sure, baby brother.“

 

He hang up, frantically turned around and nearly dived into his wardrobe head-first, trying to find anything that was good enough to wear and that would cover the hickeys from last night. “Seunghyun — get up! My sister is downstairs, _get dressed_ and stop looking at me like that! Your puppy eyes won’t help you right now.“

 

“But your bed is so warm, and soft and —“

 

Jiyong jumped in front of his boyfriend, his face only a few millimeters away from his own. “Seunghyun, baby, _I love you_ , but I swear to god If you are not dressed within the next two minutes, I _am going to beat your ass_ — now please, get up!“

 

He didn’t wait for an answer, but put on his pants — one leg at a time, hopping around until he finally did up the fly and threw on the only turtleneck shirt he owned to cover all the hickeys from last night. “You can wait here until I have told her, okay? If her reaction isn’t good I will only get you if she is causing a scene — if everything will turn out just fine, I will get you.“

 

There was some uncorrehent mumbling coming from his boyfriend, but Jiyong was too preoccupied with freaking out that he just couldn’t listen to whatever Seunghyun was complaining about right now. He darted out of the room, nearly tripping again, but this time down the stairs as he made a beeline for the entrance door — he abruptly stopped in front of it, taking one last breath before he opened the door; his smile a mixture between earnest and fake.

 

“Jiyongie!“ — his smile brightened when he suddenly felt his sister‘s arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. She only let go when he stepped back a bit, motioning her to come inside. Only now did he realize how much he had missed his sister in the past few years and he couldn't help up tear up, but he quickly blinked them away. Now wasn’t the time for tears and he knew that Dami would tease him until the end of time if she saw him sobbing about her visiting him.

 

The siblings walked into the living room — “So now tell me, baby brother. Why did you move out of the apartment and what happened that caused you and Chaerin to break up after, what, almost more than 20 years together?“

 

Jiyong had come out three times by now — first Minzy, then Chaerin and then Hanbin, but that didn’t mean he was any less nervous than during those three times. The only difference now was that he knew that he had people around him that loved and supported him — but it didn’t take away the fear that his older sister, who he had always looked up too, might hate him. It nearly hurt as much as the idea of Chaerin hating him, but he quickly pushed that thought away — he and Chaerin were good now and Dami would _never_ hate him.

 

At least he hoped so.

 

He folded his hands in his lap, before he changed Position on the couch again. Drawing his legs up to his chest, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, biting his lower lip — coming out would never _not_ be stressful.

 

“Well — I met someone. Someone new — and we hit it off immediately and I started to realize a few things about myself; things I had known for a long time, but had never been able to admit to myself, not until a few months ago anyways.“ — his gaze nervously flickered up to Dami and he forgot how to breath for a moment. She was smiling at him — an actual smile, not a fake one. It was warm and he saw how it slowly itched into a smirk and Jiyong had no idea what it meant.

 

“Well? — Go on, tell me about that special someone. If they left such a big impression on you and helped you realize things about you they must be someone amazing.“

 

His heart squeezed at that in the most endeared way possible. “Yes, _he_ is.“

 

Just like that — he had come out to his sister, too. The only remaining part of the family grew up with, someone who had been more of a mother to him than his own mother had ever been, someone who had been there for him through thick and thin, before he built his own life. Someone who he loved deeply.

 

Just like that.

 

He tried to breathe evenly — to stay calm, but his heart was going crazy in his chest, knocking against his ribcage and he felt how his fingers started tremble.

 

— but then Dami was squealing, slapping him against his shoulder and grinning like a maniac. “I _knew_ it! I just knew! Ever since you started to steal my clothes and my magazine‘s I just knew that you weren’t straight — and your obsession with that one actor was way too prominent and long lasting for it to be just a boy admiring someone! Tell me — who is the lucky guy? Are you two dating? Is he good looking?“

 

Jiyong was so baffled he didn’t even know how to respond, let alone breath. “Dami, I —“

 

“Is it safe to come out, yet?“ — his head was still spinning as he snapped it around, looking in the direction the deep voice was coming from and Jiyong was close to tears right now. Seunghyun had stuck his head in the room — a shy smile on his lips as his eyes darted from Jiyong to his sister and back to Jiyong again.

 

“ _Ohmygod_ — that is him?“, Dami swatted his shoulder again and now Jiyong was crying for real — his sister was openly gaping at his boyfriend, the smirk never leaving her lips as she jumped up from the couch and ran over to Seunghyun, who was already shuffling into the room. He was still tired, Jiyong could see that easily and his hair was still a complete mess, but the smile on his lips was earnest as Dami pulled him into a tight hug and Jiyong couldn’t stop the tears.

 

This was too much — in the best way possible. Dami was the last person who was on his ‘coming out‘ list, even though he had to admit that he hadn't thought much about coming out to her in the past few months, with everything that had happened — but now that he had finally done it he only realized how fucking much it meant to him that his sister supported him. That she wouldn’t hate him. That she would still love him.

 

Hot tears were spilling down his cheeks and he couldn’t even see what was going on in front of him, but then he felt a warm hand on his cheek and Seunghyun telling him that everything is alright and there was another presence right next to him — Dami. She was pulling him into a tight hug, petting his head while Seunghyun held his hands in his own. “I—I‘m sorry, it‘s just — it‘s—“, but he couldn’t finished the sentence as another sob ripped from his throat and he just let everything out, crying into his sisters shoulder.

 

He didn’t know how much time had passed since he first started to cry, but eventually he calmed down. Jiyong was embarrassed by his reaction and wanted to hide in his bedroom as soon as possible, but then he saw the way they were both looking at him and he felt at ease. There was nothing to be embarrassed about, especially with Seunghyun sitting next to him, squeezing his hand affectionately.

 

“You are still the same crybaby you have always been.“ — a sudden laugh escaped his lips as he heard his sister‘s teasing voice. He shook his head — his sister was still the same, always teasing him for being the emotional one of the both of them.

 

“If you think this is bad, you should see him when we watch one of his dramas—“

 

“Seunghyun—!“

 

“What? It _is_ true! Remember when we watched that drama two weeks ago? You were sobbing within the first five minutes!“

 

Before Jiyong could say anything he heard Dami‘s laugh — it was a full blown body laugh, her head thrown back and all that and Jiyong could only smile with a blush on his cheeks. He felt Seunghyun squeezing his hand again, even placing a kiss on his knuckles.

 

He had come out to his sister and the world hadn’t — today was a good day.

 


End file.
